feeling pain

[itsjust me]

I am a married woman in my 40s.

 

 

You guys will probably laugh at me, compared to some of the much bigger infidelity issues on the forum....

 

I have been married for 20 years with kids, and happily for the most part.

 

This relates to when we were dating and not living together. We were together for about 5 months, sleeping together and in our 20s. We said we loved each other, I did a lot for him, I was generous with time, heart, money and I trusted him. He had met my family and he was seen as a possible future son in law by them.

 

So month 5 in the our relationship he met up with his ex from years back, one he had not seen in many years, I think instigated by his mother, as the mother saw the ex at the shops and they swapped numbers. I found out soon afterwards eg month 7, as I found a card in a drawer from her talking about when they met up but no details. I confronted him and he said he was sorry, they met at a restaurant, nothing happened, and he was wrong. I let it go as I believed him.

 

Years later after we were married and had a child, I found out by accident from his mother that in fact the date with the ex ending in her spending the night over at his house, the subject had come up and I told his mother I already knew everything and she let it slip out, not realising he had told me the non-stay-the-night version. I again confronted my husband and he said yes that happened, but he slept on the couch.

 

This time I did not believe nothing physical happened and I seethed about it on and off for years. Each time she was mentioned, I bit my tongue. If I asked him, he was silent and just said not to mention it. I do not know if I had a mental crisis or what but he mentioned her in a situational way recently eg, I went to this place when I was dating ex, and I exploded, and said I know you slept with her!!!! He then admitted to it, said he felt awful at the time, knew if he told me at the time, then I would have broken up with him, he never saw her again (I could tell from the letter that he did not see her again). He said he realised he loved me and he was weak, he said she was all over him and it happened. She didnt know he had a GF so I dont blame her obviously.

 

This has been a slow burn thing of discovery. I appreciate his honesty, albeit late. But because I heard it for the first time just now for sure that he did do it - I feel betrayed and raw, like it just happened. I feel if I had known at the time, before engagement, I would have broken up with him. However that would mean I would not have this life and kids, and so I am glad he did not too. I feel I was lied in to a false life and I had the right to know, and also a few of his family knew she stayed overnight, which hurts. It feels the meeting needed planning by him, he needed to arrange it by phone as she lived far away and at any point he could have stopped and backed out, he says she invited him out not the other way round, After he slept with her, she called and he told her it was better not to see each other and then she wrote a letter in desperation, pretty much asking why and saying she wanted to meet again. I believe those things to be true.

 

I had the idea he was better than this, more loyal and now I question my trust in him. I have no evidence he did any other mishaps, but I know he did it that once. Also he never told me anything until cornered with evidence before. Of course this last time, I had no evidence but he confessed, so there seems to have been a change in attitude, maybe he was tired of lying or maybe he thought honesty was best, He says we should be stronger and more honest and build on it from now on.

 

he said after it happened, as soon as it happened he knew it was me he loved and he would commit to me. He chose me but I guess he wanted to check out an old flame and decide between us, especially as his mother was pushing it, as she liked the ex and had not met me yet. I thought we were committed then though, this would have been a deal breaker and he knew it...

 

Its a long time ago, before we officially committed,so why do I feel in knots every day, crying and in grief. It has ruined my beautiful memories of us, of our first year, and it scars my feelings about the whole marriage.

 

 

My logic tells me to forget, my body is acting different, I feel like I love him less now. It would break his heart if he knew this. He keeps seeking reassurance, which I am giving, but I am also snapping at him. Things are triggering me, eg a TV infidelity storyline, there seem to be countless ones every day, and I will make a barbed comment at the TV, aimed for him.

 

 

It sounds silly but all these years, I knew someone staying over meant something probably happened, but I hoped it was less than full sex. I am not sure why he told me the truth, albeit framed in it being the exes instigation which I am not sure I believe. I wanted details, he says he cannot remember, but somehow he knows he used protection, so he remembers. I partly hate him. I wanted the truth and now I feel I was better off not knowing.

Edited October 9, 2019 by itsjust me

[Caauug]

I am so sorry this has gone on for so many years for you. Infidelity, when ever it happens is no laughing matter, and does affect all involved. It really does bring out the worst in people.

 

The part that bothered me was the role your MIL played.... She had to go out of her way to play match maker for her son even though they had broken up. WTF, it is his life let him live it with who he wants to!!! She should be shouldering a good part of the blame for all this.

[schlumpy]

Silly?

 

Not silly at all. Very tragic.

 

You have a long road to recovery in front of you. The betrayed spouse can take up to five years to "get over it" as the cheaters like to say. Easy for them. To them it was 20 years ago and to you it was last week.

 

I think it's very rational and reasonable for you to want to continue on with your marriage. The amount of time that has passed and the emotional investment in your relationship points in that direction.

 

But you said it yourself - you feel like him less.

 

That feeling can grow and gnaw on you until the place in your heart where your husband resides becomes hollow. So face up to the fact that your marriage is not the same now. He is not he person you thought he was. He is a cheater with the typical behaviors of "trickle truth" and "only admitting to what he thinks you already know" taken right from the cheaters handbook.

 

It certainly is normal for you to be considering if this was his only foray outside your marriage.

 

What is lacking in my opinion, is remorse on his part. By telling you not to mention it he is in effect saying, "get over it all ready. It was 20 years ago." That is typical cheater speak and you shouldn't put up with it.

 

He created the situation and it will take you as long as it takes to get over it. He should be moving heaven and earth to get you to a safe place in the marriage so that you can trust him again. If he isn't, then that's a big problem.

 

I will again say that I think your instincts to save your marriage are reasonable but if he doesn't take steps to restore what you thought you had I don't see you in a good place two years from now.

 

Go to marriage counseling. See if the counselor can get your husband to understand what he has to do. You can't do it by yourself.

[Mr. Lucky]

I partly hate him. I wanted the truth and now I feel I was better off not knowing.

 

First off, kudos to you for so clearly articulating the pain of infidelity and how it can be the gift that keeps on giving. Really, the timing means very little, as I recall a recent thread where, similar to your situation, a wife slept with an ex during courtship, was discovered and 'forgiven', and now the husband is struggling with the same issues you are 20 years later. It seems to matter more that it happened and less when the deed was done.

 

Go to marriage counseling. See if the counselor can get your husband to understand what he has to do. You can't do it by yourself.

 

Agree that this is probably the only way forward and it may be a wake-up call to your 'just don't mention it' husband that his rug sweeping approach isn't going to work. Lots to unpack here, and a good counselor can help you sort it out.

 

There is a chance your marriage won't survive this as you come to accept the validity of your feelings. I will offer this - had you discovered the cheating at the time and still gone ahead with the marriage, you would have asked of him that he be a good and faithful husband, committed to you and your family. It sounds like he's done that, and perhaps down that road forgiveness can be found.

 

Keep posting, lots of support to be found here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[itsjust me]

Thanks for the comments.

 

 

The MIL part, I do not hold against her, I did not get the impression it was personal towards me as she did not know me then and probably wanted the best for her son with this other girl. I neither liked nor disliked the MIL, she did not interfere with our relationship once it got going and she met me, and she is dead now anyways.

 

 

It can take 5 years, wow? I do not know if this is a too long or short time. As right now, I know we can build more happiness aside from this but I doubt this will ever go away for me, it cannot, it is a historical fact and a scar. Each thin he says about the old days involves it somehow, that year, his old house, photos. I guess the scar lessens in time though but I do not think it will go away, or maybe I am overthinking it.

 

 

About him trickling info, yes I agree, he says it is because he did not want me to know. I would have been hurt and there was no need. I get that point of view too I guess.If I put myself in that position, eg I did something that would have consequences, maybe not infidelity, maybe some other dishonesty, would I tell? My honest answer is no, not unless forced to - hypocritical.

 

 

He says he has not done anything since. Problem with one lie is that I just do not know. He is not the type in terms of working away, staying out late, he has no real red flags that I can think of. I have never had any bad gut feelings regarding anyone he knows.

 

 

He says this one-off was because it just sort of happened, he was curious to meet her again, and he did not necessarily know that he and I would be together longterm, as I was very young, he was my second BF and I still lived with my parents at that stage....

 

 

It is not the same as if it had happened later or if married. But it still hurts me, as in fact I was the youngest and most beautiful I would ever be, and I can tell you I could have had my pick of BF in those days, so why, I just dont get it. It was not like we were not having sex, and in fact I must have slept with him days after, as we saw each other a lot. It took care to cover it. If no card from ex had been found, there would have been no inkling and none of this would have come to light, why he kept the card I do not know.

 

 

He is trying to be extra good to me, and he has always been this way anyway, always says how much he loves me. I know he feels some of the hurt I feel, as I cried and told him my feelings several times, each time we talked it out, a few days went by and my mood darkened again, triggered by something. But he does not want to be beaten over it forever, as to him, it really was just a stupid thing he did. He is being and been punished by all these questions and pain I feel, however he had the fun and I got the pain, where is my fun from this scenario. I do not know if he regrets it or regrets being caught. He is trying though for sure. I am his wife and mother of his kids and I have been good to him. He should feel almost as crappy as me, but somehow I doubt it.

Edited October 9, 2019 by itsjust me

[mark clemson]

Don't rush processing this. See where you are a month, two months, six months, a year, and two years out. It sounds like you want to address this so that you can continue with the marriage (albeit somewhat changed from your ideals), so don't rugsweep - instead do what you need to do to fully address it. IMO, this aids processing it fully.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am his wife and mother of his kids and I have been good to him. He should feel almost as crappy as me, but somehow I doubt it.

 

I'd drag him kicking and screaming to MC, many benefits in your situation. He gets to really hear you, a counselor could help him understand the damage he's caused and you could agree on a healthy way forward.

 

IMHO, sitting back and waiting for this to just go away while he indicates his displeasure over your questions and feelings won't work. You could easily be here posting the same thing five years from now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

It sucks but you have to look at it a bit more logically to get past it. In his 20s, 2 decades ago when you 1st started dating your then immature BF did a dumb thing lied about it. Over the course of your marriage if he has otherwise been a good husband with no missteps, find a way to forgive the past indiscretion by judging his adult actions as your husband.

[vla1120]

I highly recommend MC. Whatever guilt he may have felt was resolved for him many years ago. It's very new for you. If he continues to try to sweep it under the rug or minimize your pain, it will continue to resurface and bite him, so it is in his best interest to go to MC with you while you navigate through and process your feelings. It is important for him to understand all of this.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Keep posting out here. It is very helpful to verbalize those (understandable) emotions you are having. I have hope that your marriage will be saved, with work from both of you, together.

[Lotsgoingon]

You can get past this in marriage counseling. Take you ten sessions max ... what you can come to ... is letting yourself truly feel his love right now ... and trust it ... The whole "he slept with someone else" thing can really get in our heads and take over your mind ... to no good logic ... no good benefit.

 

You don't need to rest your value on how hot you were when you were young ... or that you were the only person he slept with. But ... don't dismiss your hurt and insecurity and anger ...

 

Seriously this one can be easy to solve in marriage counseling. There might be some things in the marriage that you don't want ... or you want more of ... or have never gotten. MC can help you take the marriage to a new level of satisfaction ... and your brain will so not be on what happened one night 20 years ago. You want to get in the rich flow of life that is happening NOW!

 

There are probably a few things that are bugging you in the marriage and this issue is holding space for those things ... Get to those things ... dream of what more you want in the marriage. Ask for those things. This is actually harder than it looks as we can become accustomed to assuming "I can't have X because he" ... or "because she" ...

 

Good luck.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Itsjustme, yours is a really sad story. When I say that I mean it is sad for you but also very much so for your husband. I would think Donnivain has summed it up neatly. You have to put things in perspective and I think for the most part you have. You have realised that you now have a lot invested in this marriage and in your life as it currently stands. However, this does not minimize your emotional trauma which, in of itself is very real and which has the capacity to put a spanner in the works as far as your relationship with your husband goes.

 

A number of posters have suggested MC and I would also second that opinion. I would also suggest that before you go for MC that you and your husband try out IC as this may help pin point those fault lines in each of you, which are causing this churning within you and the reasons which have kept your husband from being upfront with you in those early days. I guess it finally boils down to whether there is enough love and trust left in your relationship to see you through this crisis. Hope this helps. Warm wishes.

[schlumpy]

There is one plot point here that hasn't been mentioned and I'm a bit surprised. Her husband did keep hold of a card his old girl friend sent him which is what put her on the trail in the first place.

 

I find if very significant that he kept that card and I believe the OP does also.

[mark clemson]

It's definitely significant, but at what level? A memory for the shoe box or something more?

 

My guess (in this case) would be not anything more. Still, given the situation, IMO if it will help OP heal to have him get rid of it, if she asks he should do it.

[Mr. Lucky]

He should feel almost as crappy as me, but somehow I doubt it.

 

Well, you can't undo the past.

 

What specifically would you like to have happen now? What steps need to be taken so you personally can move forward?

 

If you can't answer this, not sure how realistic it is to expect him to know...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

I think Mr. Lucky is right. You cannot move forward until you know exactly what it is that you want and what you think the end result should be. Without that you would be floundering around in the dark and your husband would be none the wiser. Try and articulate the outcome you desire. Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

The outcome she wants is for it all to go away and for it never to have happened...

Trust is gone. Memories ruined. Triggers everywhere.

She was young beautiful, in the middle of the "honeymoon" period of dating and he still slept with his ex...

How many others have there been?

She doesn't know, that is why cheating is so devastating and damaging.

One big lie, implies there are many more.

 

itsjust me,

Go to IC (individual counselling) first. Talk it out, find out what it is YOU want.

MC is often about saving the marriage at all costs, and that can mean the BS is "supposed to" bite their tongue, let it go, get over it, for the sake of the marriage, whilst the WS gets off seemingly scot free...

Some BSs feel MC is more about rug sweeping, than it is about helping them get over the trauma, that is why you need IC.

[BTDT2012]

I find if very significant that he kept that card and I believe the OP does also.

I found out soon afterwards eg month 7, as I found a card in a drawer from her talking about when they met up but no details.

THe card was found before the marriage.

[schlumpy]

THe card was found before the marriage.

 

hmmmmm…… now I understand why no one has mentioned it. Could be I was only on my first cup of coffee when I scribbled that off.

[itsjust me]

Thanks for the replies.

 

 

He does not want MC, he understands how it hurt me, but does not think it is something that needs sharing, of course it did not happen to him, so it does not hurt him in the same way. Also he mentions stuff I have done over the years which hurt him, I take his point, but they were not in the infidelity field, they were arguments or the way I was indifferent to his family and more and so on, thing is, he did stuff like that too anyway, so it is not a competition. The not wanting MC, I think it is maybe embarrassment. I kind of feel the same about that part actually, I do not think I want to go, and in all honesty the MC cannot solve it for me, as they would have to erase my mind. I accept that I will always be hurt and will not forget, he thinks I should forget it now, we both decided we should not keep discussing it, as we talked and argued about it for weeks. The bottom line is I do not want to push him in to breaking up over it, but I want him to understand he was a **** and no excuse will do. I told him I will always hate what he did, but I do not hate him.

 

 

He swore on his kids he never did anything else after. 99% of me believes this as he gave me his reasoning about how he realised when he did it that he was wrong, did not want to tell me, took his vows seriously and loves me. the 1% is maybe this is BS but a MC will not be able to tell me if it is BS or not, and I am not a pushover to just give him the 100% I believe you line - I told him it is what it is, and your punishment is the little piece of love it took away and he wants me to love him 100% but he cannot have that, as I cannot give it.

 

 

Only a mind eraser or time machine will change the above! But I do feel better already as I am exhausted talking, and I know there is not much more to say. what is done cannot be undone.

 

 

 

I have had some odd secret feelings though. Like I want to tell him little lies or keep things from him that would hurt him. Not as far as having an affair, but smaller flirtations or something online IDK! Stuff I would never have thought to do before, but now I think why not, all bets are off - it would level the playing field in my mind and I could not then say he did such and such, as I am a bit deceptive too and kept it to myself. I doubt I will do t, but I cannot say it has not given me a sense of satisfaction, that I can if I want.....oh well..

 

 

I do not want to get in to debates on MC, I agree it is a good idea for some and I appreciate you hearing me so much, I will continue to read this forum and help if I can. I just am not sure MC is for us for this particular issue.

Edited October 18, 2019 by itsjust me

[schlumpy]

Only a mind eraser or time machine will change the above! But I do feel better already as I am exhausted talking, and I know there is not much more to say. what is done cannot be undone.

 

I doubt I will do t, but I cannot say it has not given me a sense of satisfaction, that I can if I want.....oh well..

 

It's not a time machine but it may get you to that level of satisfaction that you desire and allow you to move on with your marriage.

 

It's called a polygraph.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have had some odd secret feelings though. Like I want to tell him little lies or keep things from him that would hurt him. Not as far as having an affair, but smaller flirtations or something online IDK! Stuff I would never have thought to do before, but now I think why not, all bets are off - it would level the playing field in my mind and I could not then say he did such and such, as I am a bit deceptive too and kept it to myself. I doubt I will do t, but I cannot say it has not given me a sense of satisfaction, that I can if I want.....oh well..

 

I kind of feel the same about that part actually, I do not think I want to go, and in all honesty the MC cannot solve it for me, as they would have to erase my mind.

 

If no MC, then you should seriously consider IC for yourself.

 

The fact that you effectively argued both sides of the same point above indicates the degree to which you're still conflicted over this. And while there's not a guaranteed fix, it's pretty certain doing nothing and hoping this all goes away won't ease your pain. A counselor could help you see the healthy options within the marriage you're fighting for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

I'm sorry he did something and lied and it was so hurtful. I'm also sorry his stupid mother pushed him into it. What is wrong with her?

 

It was up to him to tell her he had a gf, but I guess he just had to find out if the spark was still there. I have no idea if it's possible she ever tried to see him again. Seems likely is she was carrying a torch for him. Have you done a background check on her to find out if she's married and where she lives and how many kids? It might ease your mind some. Or even just looking at her social media.

 

It's bad he lied, but young people do stupid things and make mistakes. People under 25 don't even have a fully developed brain yet. The part that is still under construction is the part that is able to foresee consequences of their actions.

 

If you have no suspicion that he has ever been lying to you since then and strayed -- and I think you would have a feeling, don't you? -- then think of it like this. If he wanted to be with her, he'd be with her. Nothing to stop him. He was still wanting him. He rejected her in favor of you.

 

The biggest danger is really if he would seek her out for flattering validation, but 20 years later, she's probably all but forgotten about him and having a life of her own.

 

He did choose you.

[mark clemson]

Be real cautious with this revenge affair urge. It's understandable in a way, but it IS possible for things like this to go from flirtations, to actual feelings, to actual very strong feelings, to an actual physical affair. It can become a slippery slope and if you end up with genuine strong feelings for someone else you may do (or even write) something you genuinely regret. Also if he finds out about it, even just online flirting, then you will have that mess to deal with.

 

Overall it's probably not worth whatever satisfaction you might get out of it.

[anika99]

Don't bother blaming his dead mother, you don't even know what she had to do with it so that would just be blame shifting. Don't bother looking up his ex gf or doing some sort of background check on her. That would just be weird and it will only feed the negative emotions you are already experiencing.

 

I see two problems that need to be addressed. The first is that your husband continued to lie to you all of these years everytime the subject came up. I had a longterm relationship with someone who lied to me early on. It ate at our relationship the entire 8yrs we were together. I'd forget about it for extended periods but then something would come up that would remind me and I'd ask him again and he'd lie again. The thing is that if he had told the truth at the start I doubt I would have broken up with him over it. We likely would have had a big argument or two about it and then it would have been forgotten while we found new things to argue over, lol. But because he continued to lie that thing became a thorn in our relationship for years. We broke up for many reasons but that lie that he wouldn't let go of taught me how a lie in a relationship can fester and eat away at it.

 

The second problem is the attitude your husband is giving you now. Bringing up minor wrongs that you have done to justify his deceit. This is invalidating your feelings and making you feel worse, not better. It's why you are now entertaining little revenge fantasies.. What you need from your husband is for him to admit his wrongs. It was wrong for him to sleep with his ex, it was worse that he continued the lie all these many years. He needs to take full ownership of that without deflecting or justifying. He needs to show that he understands why you are hurt and show some remorse for hurting you. A marriage counselor could help with that. It's funny to me how people who have never been to counseling always dismiss it as being useless.

[BTDT2012]

Its a long time ago, before we officially committed,so why do I feel in knots every day, crying and in grief.

 

 

My suggestion is that you pursue IC for yourself.