Sexless Affectionless Marriage for Many Many Years

[elaine567]

I believe the OP has made the mistake of not intervening sooner and make his voice heard.

 

I agree.

IMO, we really cannot blame the victim here for the decisions she made to try to cope with a hugely traumatic event.

The OP needed to decide whether the fall out and the sequelae of that event were acceptable to him.

Obviously at some level he could accept, but now he finds he can'i.

Unfortunately "Now" is all he has, he cannot turn back time, the past is history.

 

The question as I see it is...

"Can he continue to live in a sexless marriage or not?"

I see no point in trying to force or pressure or shame his wife into "changing".

The time for that, if there even was a time for that, was at least a decade ago...

[pepperbird]

When it's a mental illness you can fix or take medication to make it have less impact in your life and you decide to do nothing about it, then this IS a decision.

 

 

She did try and do something about it. The op states himself that she tried counseling, and it didn't seem to make much of an impact. It's not like turning on a light switch.

 

 

I understand where the OP is coming from. For him to be able to process what's happened and move forward, he needs to feel as if he has explored every avenue and found no other way but ending his marriage. That's actually good, as it may well make it easier for him if and when he finally decides to pull the plug. There won't be as much of the "if only I had done x, y or z, things may have worked out".

Edited October 28, 2019 by pepperbird

[LuckyM]

Now that you are in your fifties, what sort of sex did you have in mind? WHat are you two capable of doing that brings you pleasure or joy? WHat makes you think that she is physically capable of this enjoyment? Is she still attracted to you? How often would you do this?

This is not a matter of therapy as I see it. It's a stock answer at best. WHat acts of sex and affection will or will not engage her? Maybe this is all a moot point. Her personality is not going to change and it may get more unpleasant or annoying..

 

 

Need a vacation?

[amarriedguy]

I agree.

IMO, we really cannot blame the victim here for the decisions she made to try to cope with a hugely traumatic event.

The OP needed to decide whether the fall out and the sequelae of that event were acceptable to him.

Obviously at some level he could accept, but now he finds he can'i.

Unfortunately "Now" is all he has, he cannot turn back time, the past is history.

 

The question as I see it is...

"Can he continue to live in a sexless marriage or not?"

I see no point in trying to force or pressure or shame his wife into "changing".

The time for that, if there even was a time for that, was at least a decade ago...

 

 

It never occurred to me that this would be a permanent "disability" (I use the term very loosely). It seemed to make sense for a while to say nothing; I guess I just got used to it. I acknowledge my tendency to always put my needs last--and yes, I am trying to address that in my own therapy.

 

 

 

I would never try to force or pressure or shame her into have sex--that sounds like rape to me. But discussing it openly and honestly...yes, that should have happened years and years ago. As for a sexless and affectionless marriage...no, I can't continue that way.

 

 

I have, with great difficulty, admitted to a couple of friends (male and female) what has been going on all these years. Big surprise: their first question is "why haven't you divorced her?" I don't have a good answer.

 

 

I continue to feel completely stuck and hope for a "deus ex machina" which will resolve the situation for me. Cowardly of me...

[Mr. Lucky]

Cowardly of me...

 

Well, yes it is. And it also robs you of the chance to begin to make healthy choices as you move forward it life.

 

amarriedguy, from where I sit, you're a relatively young man. Hate to see you leave your fate up to this:

 

Mattel Magic 8 Ball

 

The original Magic 8 Ball is the novelty toy that lets anyone seek advice about their future! All you have to do is simply “ask the ball” any yes or no question, then wait for your answer to be revealed.

 

Mr. Lucky

[amarriedguy]

Well, yes it is. And it also robs you of the chance to begin to make healthy choices as you move forward it life.

 

amarriedguy, from where I sit, you're a relatively young man. Hate to see you leave your fate up to this:

 

Mattel Magic 8 Ball

 

The original Magic 8 Ball is the novelty toy that lets anyone seek advice about their future! All you have to do is simply “ask the ball” any yes or no question, then wait for your answer to be revealed.

 

Mr. Lucky

I hadn't thought of using a magic 8 ball; sadly mine was relegated to the dump heap many decades ago...

All I can say at this point is that my realization--my admission to myself--about my marriage is quite recent. I understand now how I got into this mess, but I don't want to make any hasty decisions--even though the path seems quite clear to me now.

Maybe I'm just procrastinating, but I believe that after so many years of marriage I must be thoughtful, scrupulous, about how I proceed...

[SummerDreams]

I do agree that you should not make hasty moves. I suggest you talk and plan about your "exit" with your therapist so it goes as smoothly as possible. I mean, you have lost 15 years, what is 6 months more?

[princessaurora]

I'm going to share something with you i rarely talk about because i think it may help you.

 

I developed a condition about 7 years ago called interstitial cystitis and it made my love life go into a dormant status overnight after 13 years of marriage (its a painful bladder condition that makes you lose all interest in anything involving your private area because you're always hurting down there. ) My husband understood for the first year or so and as I found medicines to help me heal and learn to control it, having sex was just something i no longer desired because i associated it with pain and didnt want to risk it acting up. We still kissed and hugged but nothing more than that and he never pushed the issue because he didnt want to hurt me. . This became our new normal and after about another year of me thinking this was an ok way to live, he came to me one day and said he cant keep going on like this without sex and that even though he felt awful for my situation, it just wasn't fair to him. Then he said something to me that really hit me hard. He said" i dont even see you as someone sexual anymore. Its like we're roommates now. I dont even have the desire to have sex with you anymore" That stung me to the core because him thinking i am incredibly sexy was always such a turn on to me and I know i still am because i get hit on all the time, but my husband is the only person i care about viewing me that way and suddenly he didnt anymore. That was my come to jeesus moment and I knew i had to act fast. I loved him and didnt want to lose him. I admit i was a little resentful when he said those things, but it put things in perspective and I thought of how i would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. We went to marriage counseling, and slowly started getting back in the groove ( first with oral and eventually penetration) Now i will admit we will never have marathon sex due to my condition, and there are still times where i cant do anything at all due to flare ups, but whenever we can we do. It did take alot to get my sexuality back. I self pleasured alot and i started writing erotic short stories to bring back the girl i knew who was still in there, and sometimes i use him to get some inspiration to write which he is more than happy to partake in. lol

I'm not trying to compare her trauma to my sudden disability beacuase i can't even fathom what yall have been through, but I just wanted to show you that laying it all on the line for her may make her wake up and realize if she wants her marriage to survive she needs to act now. It was a rough start getting back into intimacy ( many times i pushed him away because i associated sex with pain) but looking back now i'm so glad i was able to overcome this hurdle and bring back the love and bond that was slowly diminishing before my eyes and I didn't even realize it till he spoke up. I was too caught up in my own despair.

 

I know its tough love when you do the poop or get off the pot approach, but it may just be the push she needs to do something about your situation. And don't leave the part out about not being attracted to her anymore (of course you're not, you haven't been intimate in 15 years). She needs to hear it all so if there's any part of her that wants to change your situation, it will surely awaken her. If she still refuses to do anything to save your marriage, well then you have your answer and can walk away knowing you did everything you could with your head held high.But she seems to really love you and I have a strong feeling this is going to give her the reality check she needs. Good luck and I'll be pulling for you, no matter the outcome.

.

[SummerDreams]

princessaurora I am happy things worked out for you but to be honest if I were in your shoes I don't think I would be able not only to forgive my husband for the hurtful things he said and the fact that he wanted to leave me when he knew my condition, but also reward him for it by bringing sex back to the table.

 

 

Nah. If he can't love me for better or for worse then he's not right for me.

[princessaurora]

princessaurora I am happy things worked out for you but to be honest if I were in your shoes I don't think I would be able not only to forgive my husband for the hurtful things he said and the fact that he wanted to leave me when he knew my condition, but also reward him for it by bringing sex back to the table.

 

 

Nah. If he can't love me for better or for worse then he's not right for me.

 

 

He never said he was going to leave. He just didnt see me as as desirable anymore and that bothered the heck out of me. I think he probably would have stayed but been miserable like op is. But mine went on for about 4 years not 15. And i became very mean during my flare ups screaming at him all the time and fussing at him if he brought me home something i couldnt eat by accident because it would burn the heck out of my bladder. I was basically an evil person and took all my anger at this condition i was cursed with on him. So to treat him that way and not even offset it with some physical intimacy was an awful thing for him to endure. Even our marriage counselor said alot of men would have walked out and never came back. Im all for better or for worse, but everyone has a threshold.

[elaine567]

Princessaurora, Seems to me, he put up with your illness and then pressured you into having sex again by taking a sledge hammer to your self esteem.

He then pushed through YOUR pain threshold both metaphorically and literally... albeit with your permission, but permission gained in not a very nice way.

 

I know you love him and did not want to lose him, but his actions to get sex do not sound very loving and caring to me...

[Marc878]

Which just says divorce was the best path.

[Marc878]

I hadn't thought of using a magic 8 ball; sadly mine was relegated to the dump heap many decades ago...

All I can say at this point is that my realization--my admission to myself--about my marriage is quite recent. I understand now how I got into this mess, but I don't want to make any hasty decisions--even though the path seems quite clear to me now.

Maybe I'm just procrastinating, but I believe that after so many years of marriage I must be thoughtful, scrupulous, about how I proceed...

 

Nothing wrong with that but there is a fine line between thinking it through and avoiding a decision

[DKT3]

So, when did being honest become so wrong. I assume he told his wife how he felt, just as most are saying OP needs to do.

 

Sadly when one spouse decides unilaterally, for whatever reason that sex is off the table its almost certain that the other will eventually lose attraction. It happened with OP who is no longer attracted to his wife and the example a few posts back.

[princessaurora]

Princessaurora, Seems to me, he put up with your illness and then pressured you into having sex again by taking a sledge hammer to your self esteem.

He then pushed through YOUR pain threshold both metaphorically and literally... albeit with your permission, but permission gained in not a very nice way.

 

I know you love him and did not want to lose him, but his actions to get sex do not sound very loving and caring to me...

 

 

This is not the princess aurora show. Im just trying to help the guy out. I missed the sex just as much as he did and he knew that. He did what he had to do to pull me out of my despair. He wasnt getting anything out of our marriage. I wasnt making up for it with kindness. I turned him into a villain instead of accepting the support he tried to give me. I was downright horrible to him,and our children ask anyone who knows us. They all said i deserved to be left for how i treated him. Having a pain condition does not give someone an excuse to make them your own personal punching bag and thats what i did to him. We worked this all out in marriage counseling.

 

Amarried guy, i recommend you dont let this little side convo distract you. Tell her the truth and be ready for whatever she throws back, but hopefully it will be her wake up call to make a positive change in your marriage. If not start making your preparations for your departure because you cannot spend the rest of your life being miserable for something you had no control over.

[pepperbird]

Nah. If he can't love me for better or for worse then he's not right for me.

 

 

That's not always practical in real life, although it certainly is something to aspire to. I'm like P. Aurora on that sex can be really painful for me, as I have health issues that affect my skin, hands, heart, eyes, lungs, kidneys, etc. I've even had to have all my teeth removed. I'm also in pain a lot of the time. For my husband of and I, sex is often not even an option.

 

This being said, he and I have been seeing a counselor together ( he has combat related PTSD) and one thing the therapist has said on sevral occasions is the importance of communication. even if it;s hurtful. So long as it's coming from an honest place and isn't meant to be hurtful, it's so important.

 

The OP can't read his wife's mind, nor can she read his. Common sense should tell her that going without sex for all these years has hurt he husband,but for whatever reaosn, she hasn't picked up on that.

 

If there ever was a time for him to lay it all on the table, it's now.

Edited November 3, 2019 by pepperbird

[giotto]

Sadly when one spouse decides unilaterally, for whatever reason that sex is off the table its almost certain that the other will eventually lose attraction. It happened with OP who is no longer attracted to his wife and the example a few posts back.

 

It never happened to me. It's nearly 2 years of no sex, but I still desire my wife. I'm pretty sure we could resume our sex life easily if she wanted to. We would have to cancel the separation first, though...

[Mr. Lucky]

Nah. If he can't love me for better or for worse then he's not right for me.

 

There are a lot of ways this dynamic could be turned around on you - mental illness, drug addiction, financial dishonesty, emotional abandonment, etc. - that would test your belief in this principle...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lily blue]

I am so sorry to hear that in both part....

This might slund pretty stupid but...

I too have been rape 2 times when I was young teenage years...got beaten and stuff and I hated men and had trust issue....

Time went by, I fall in love and got married...my view of men changed because of love...I attended church.

I know, men who loves me, protect of me will not hurt me the way other rapist did and sex was good...not hurting....than he cheated so end of my marriage.

I am in love with another men and Inwant sex because I love him and want to feel everything.

I recovered ..still remember that rape but I know it wasn’t men I love so...its different.

I understand she is having hard time and it is nightmare but you didn’t do that to her...she is kind of being selfish to me....

She should at least try or even hand job, oral sex...if she loves you or cared.....

15 years is long time and if she truly care about you, she should ask for a divorce sake of your happiness because she cannot fulfilled you sexually....but like she is punishing you for what happened to her...in my opinion and how much longer she want you to just stand by her like this?

Sorry...

Edited November 11, 2019 by Lily blue
Left out things