Sexless Affectionless Marriage for Many Many Years

[princessaurora]

Princessaurora, Seems to me, he put up with your illness and then pressured you into having sex again by taking a sledge hammer to your self esteem.

He then pushed through YOUR pain threshold both metaphorically and literally... albeit with your permission, but permission gained in not a very nice way.

 

I know you love him and did not want to lose him, but his actions to get sex do not sound very loving and caring to me...

 

 

This is not the princess aurora show. Im just trying to help the guy out. I missed the sex just as much as he did and he knew that. He did what he had to do to pull me out of my despair. He wasnt getting anything out of our marriage. I wasnt making up for it with kindness. I turned him into a villain instead of accepting the support he tried to give me. I was downright horrible to him,and our children ask anyone who knows us. They all said i deserved to be left for how i treated him. Having a pain condition does not give someone an excuse to make them your own personal punching bag and thats what i did to him. We worked this all out in marriage counseling.

 

Amarried guy, i recommend you dont let this little side convo distract you. Tell her the truth and be ready for whatever she throws back, but hopefully it will be her wake up call to make a positive change in your marriage. If not start making your preparations for your departure because you cannot spend the rest of your life being miserable for something you had no control over.

[pepperbird]

Nah. If he can't love me for better or for worse then he's not right for me.

 

 

That's not always practical in real life, although it certainly is something to aspire to. I'm like P. Aurora on that sex can be really painful for me, as I have health issues that affect my skin, hands, heart, eyes, lungs, kidneys, etc. I've even had to have all my teeth removed. I'm also in pain a lot of the time. For my husband of and I, sex is often not even an option.

 

This being said, he and I have been seeing a counselor together ( he has combat related PTSD) and one thing the therapist has said on sevral occasions is the importance of communication. even if it;s hurtful. So long as it's coming from an honest place and isn't meant to be hurtful, it's so important.

 

The OP can't read his wife's mind, nor can she read his. Common sense should tell her that going without sex for all these years has hurt he husband,but for whatever reaosn, she hasn't picked up on that.

 

If there ever was a time for him to lay it all on the table, it's now.

Edited November 3, 2019 by pepperbird

[giotto]

Sadly when one spouse decides unilaterally, for whatever reason that sex is off the table its almost certain that the other will eventually lose attraction. It happened with OP who is no longer attracted to his wife and the example a few posts back.

 

It never happened to me. It's nearly 2 years of no sex, but I still desire my wife. I'm pretty sure we could resume our sex life easily if she wanted to. We would have to cancel the separation first, though...

[Mr. Lucky]

Nah. If he can't love me for better or for worse then he's not right for me.

 

There are a lot of ways this dynamic could be turned around on you - mental illness, drug addiction, financial dishonesty, emotional abandonment, etc. - that would test your belief in this principle...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lily blue]

I am so sorry to hear that in both part....

This might slund pretty stupid but...

I too have been rape 2 times when I was young teenage years...got beaten and stuff and I hated men and had trust issue....

Time went by, I fall in love and got married...my view of men changed because of love...I attended church.

I know, men who loves me, protect of me will not hurt me the way other rapist did and sex was good...not hurting....than he cheated so end of my marriage.

I am in love with another men and Inwant sex because I love him and want to feel everything.

I recovered ..still remember that rape but I know it wasn’t men I love so...its different.

I understand she is having hard time and it is nightmare but you didn’t do that to her...she is kind of being selfish to me....

She should at least try or even hand job, oral sex...if she loves you or cared.....

15 years is long time and if she truly care about you, she should ask for a divorce sake of your happiness because she cannot fulfilled you sexually....but like she is punishing you for what happened to her...in my opinion and how much longer she want you to just stand by her like this?

Sorry...

Edited November 11, 2019 by Lily blue
Left out things