Sexless Affectionless Marriage for Many Many Years

[amarriedguy]

He won't divorce her due to no sex. He will divorce her due to her wanting to stay in the victim state forever and doing nothing to fix herself and the marriage. If he does divorce her and he keeps her as a friend he visits sometimes, I don't see it as a deal breaker. I would appreciate it if lets say once a month he would call her or visit her to ask if she needs anything. It would show he is a decent man who respects his own choices.

 

 

You've got it right. No sex is the symptom; the problem is being frozen in this marriage. And I know that my choices--not confronting her, for one--helped lead to this point. I doubt she would want to be friends if/when I leave her; she would feel betrayed. She has complained that recently I seem "different"--that would be from when I finally admitted to myself that I was in a dead marriage--and I see that as the only opening I have to discuss my unhappiness. Were I to say I've been unhappy about no intimacy for 15 years she could reasonably ask why I never said anything. It's misery no matter how I look at it...

[Rayce]

It sounds like you have made decision... It's ok... wishing you peace as you bring one chapter to a close and start a new one.

[giotto]

She has complained that recently I seem "different"

 

Next time she complains, just tell her the reason... tell her what you've told us here. See how she reacts. Badly, probably, but at least she will know your real feelings, which is the honest thing to do, in my opinion. WARNING: this will probably damage your marriage irreparably.

[SummerDreams]

Next time she complains, just tell her the reason... tell her what you've told us here. See how she reacts. Badly, probably, but at least she will know your real feelings, which is the honest thing to do, in my opinion. WARNING: this will probably damage your marriage irreparably.

This is not a marriage, this is a friendship, and not even that in my opinion. The OP says his wife cares for him but I doubt it. It was not his fault this terrible thing happened to her but it seems with her lack of actions she punishes not only herself but the OP as well.

 

 

OP please don't let time go by anymore. You are very young and you have many happy moments ahead of you. You have suffered enough. Continue the therapy, start caring for yourself and make your way out.

[pepperbird]

op,

If you choose to go, go. If you choose to stay, stay. Just make sure that whatever choice you make, you do it in a way that is right for you. Only you know what that is. We can give you advice until the cows come home, but in the end , the only ones who will have to live with the fallout are you and your wife.

 

 

 

Ask yourself what, if it were possible to have your future you wished, what would it look like? Is that something you realistically feel you can achieve given your current life/ people in it. If your answer is "no", then what's the best (not necessarily the easiest) way for you to get there while still being true to who "you" are?

 

Figure that out and you'll be moving forward.

[elaine567]

A couple were keen hikers and one day one of them fell down a rocky slope causing them physical damage and a crippling fear of heights.

They never went hiking again and the undamaged one seemed to be OK with that, but 15 years later the undamaged one was seeking divorce due to the fact hiking was off the table after that fateful day...

 

That is the main issue here that will cause the upset.

Not the fact he needs sex, but the fact he wasted 15 years of her life lulling her into the false sense of security that a no sex marriage was fine by him...

 

She told him to leave her before, but he stuck around...

[amarriedguy]

This is not a marriage, this is a friendship, and not even that in my opinion. The OP says his wife cares for him but I doubt it. It was not his fault this terrible thing happened to her but it seems with her lack of actions she punishes not only herself but the OP as well.

 

 

OP please don't let time go by anymore. You are very young and you have many happy moments ahead of you. You have suffered enough. Continue the therapy, start caring for yourself and make your way out.

 

 

I think she does care--just not in the ways expected in a marriage. I hope that before too long I do figure out how to care for myself...it's not easy for me, not a new revelation.

I appreciate your suggestion that I'm very young--this might be easier if I was--but 60 is getting awfully close in the window...

[giotto]

She told him to leave her before, but he stuck around...

 

She did... it was only one year after the event, though. Yes, he stuck around and left it too long and now he is in an impossible situation... at least in my marriage I complained all the time... Still, not happy that I had to leave either. Sometimes, I regret it, sometimes I'm happy... overall, it's terrible. Too bad to stay, too bad to leave...

[amarriedguy]

That is the main issue here that will cause the upset.

Not the fact he needs sex, but the fact he wasted 15 years of her life lulling her into the false sense of security that a no sex marriage was fine by him...

 

She told him to leave her before, but he stuck around...

 

 

I certainly have waited too long... but as for when she suggested I leave her, that was soon after her incidents and she was very depressed. I don't believe that at the time she really meant it, I think it was more a reflection of her pain--also I just wouldn't abandon her at such a terrible moment. I had no way of knowing then that this would continue for years and years--but the endless waiting is on me: I should have said something years ago.

[giotto]

The OP says his wife cares for him but I doubt it. It was not his fault this terrible thing happened to her but it seems with her lack of actions she punishes not only herself but the OP as well.

 

Yes, but you have to remember she's been traumatised. He left it too long. I didn't complain about the lack of sex life for 5 months (let alone 15 years) and my wife assumed I was ok with it...

[amarriedguy]

Ask yourself what, if it were possible to have your future you wished, what would it look like? Is that something you realistically feel you can achieve given your current life/ people in it. If your answer is "no", then what's the best (not necessarily the easiest) way for you to get there while still being true to who "you" are?

 

Figure that out and you'll be moving forward.

 

 

As for the future... we've had general retirement plans for a few years now. While I was making dinner last night (I love to cook) she said "when we retire we'll get you the kitchen of your dreams."

Aside from my uncertainty about the future of my marriage--that just felt very weird...

[giotto]

While I was making dinner last night (I love to cook) she said "when we retire we'll get you the kitchen of your dreams."

Aside from my uncertainty about the future of my marriage--that just felt very weird...

 

My wife wanted the rent a house abroad for the two of us...

[elaine567]

While I was making dinner last night (I love to cook) she said "when we retire we'll get you the kitchen of your dreams."

...that just felt very weird...

 

Why weird?

She obviously has no clue that you are thinking of leaving.

[amarriedguy]

Why weird?

She obviously has no clue that you are thinking of leaving.

 

 

I don't know, it felt kind of patronizing...

[elaine567]

I don't know, it felt kind of patronizing...

 

You are feeling aggrieved and are discontented and angry regarding the no sex and no doubt a bit frustrated by the fact if you leave she will maintain her higher salary, whilst you will be "slumming" it.

She is "in control" of the sex and the money... not fair in your eyes. You are in the "lesser" position and you do not like it. BUT she did not choose to be assaulted and she could hardly refuse her salary just because you cannot match it, could she?

 

On the face of it the new kitchen was a kind gesture and what normal married people discuss regarding the future, but you, in your state of mind are looking for bad stuff to hurl at her, so you can justify leaving her...

[mark clemson]

It may feel patronizing, but it shows she's committed to the marriage and thinking of the future etc. Under normal circumstances it would be positive.

[giotto]

I don't know, it felt kind of patronizing...

 

It's not patronising... as the others have said, you are in your realisation state and feel that you are living a injustice... I felt the same. When my wife suggested the rented house, I should have been happy, instead I was full of resentment...

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't know, it felt kind of patronizing...

 

It indicates, absent change, she's content to live out her years this way.

 

As has been the case for a long, long time, next step up to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SummerDreams]

I appreciate your suggestion that I'm very young--this might be easier if I was--but 60 is getting awfully close in the window...

 

 

My mom is close to 60 and she is having the best time of her life. We are searching for a new house to buy for her and my step father, she has a job she loves doing in the summers, she is a woman full of love and willing to give. You are not old. You are just scared of what you will face after leaving the comfort of your routine. Well, I won't lie to you, you may face some loneliness or some frustration at times, but you will have the hope that this may change if you try to meet new people and have new hobbies etc. Right now you are already feeling the same loneliness and frustration only if you stay in this marriage you have no chance (other than a miracle) that your situation will change. I am sure you will make the right choice for you.

[pepperbird]

op,

I can understand why it may have felt hat way, but it really sounds to me more like she sees you two being together for the long haul, and she was simply pointing out how, when you're retired, she would like for you to have something she thinks you really want.

 

Honestly, I think you have come to a crossroads. If you stay, you will need to be by her side when and if she finally faces what happened to her. She may never be able to do that. Even if she does, do you feel you are in a a place where you can be there for her? She will need it.

 

If you don't think you have it in you to stay in your marriage even if she were to suddenly change, then it makes sense for so many reasons, to end it sooner than later. Every day you stay, it's tacitly telling her you are okay. That's not fair to her at all, and in the end, it may well leave you feeling worse.

 

For some people, divorce requires that they feel that have turned over every last rock trying to find a way to make their marriage work. If you are that way, what do you have to lose by sitting down with her and having an honest conversation about how you have been feeling? Don't hold back and let her know all of it, even if you think it will hurt her.

 

Once you feel you have laid it all out, take a minute and see where you stand. at best, you and she may be able to find you way back to each other. At worst, you'll divorce. Either way, you will have done your due diligence.

 

btw, you haven't mentioned it before. was the person who did this to her brought to justice in any way?

[elaine567]

...she's content to live out her years this way.

 

Who could blame her?

Nothing has changed in 15 years in that direction...

If the OP chooses to leave her, she will be blindsided

[Beendaredonedat]

I put my life on hold for years to care for her, so I think I have been very supportive.

Have you discussed codependency, losing yourself in others with your therapist? If you don't have a therapist that you trust to bring that fact (above) up with her/him then pls consider getting another that you can delve with into YOU and what you are about. This is about you and your issues as to why you stay, not about your wives issues and what she will or will not do if you leave her.

[mark clemson]

Indeed - IF. The announcement could be "honey, I want to change some things" rather than, "sorry, but I want to leave". Of course that requires a commitment to actually try to change things, putting forth real effort etc which might or might not be successful. And a risk, as SHE might wish to end things as a result (probably not, but one never knows).

 

Clearly no easy answers here.

[amarriedguy]

Thank you all for your advice and opinions--this has been very helpful, as I had hoped it would be.

I am indeed at a crossroads, and which direction I take from this point on is unclear right now--but hopefully I will know what to do before too long. I feel that getting a better understanding of why I take care of others rather than myself may be a key to making a decision--and if I do end up leaving, I would want to no longer be stuck in that way of being.

[carhill]

The first step is the hardest, additionally difficult if this is the first time that step has been taken. IME, MC helped a lot getting over that hurdle. In my case my exW had been down that road a couple times so the road (to divorce) wasn't a big deal to her, rather a business transaction. I found that instructive. Good luck!