Sexless Affectionless Marriage for Many Many Years

[elaine567]

You are attracted to the affair option as none of the other options sound like fun. They require confronting your wife and as no doubt you are conflict avoidant, then the work required (and the courage required) to carry out those tasks you outlined is more than you can bear to face.

As you have no desire for your wife, then how much better off after all that are you likely to be?

Built up resentment over many years will also be difficult to shift.

 

Instead chatting up some woman, getting to know her and sleeping with her behind your wife's back is going to be invigorating, fun and exciting.

It is why affairs are so common.

Hard, mentally exhausting path with perhaps little hope of success, versus a happy path, fun and laughter, validation and sex... no brainer.

 

BUT affairs tend to have huge stings in their tails... much unhappiness for all involved the longer they go on...

 

My personal feeling is that it is too late to "fix" your marriage, you either stick with it as it is, or you make preparations to leave.

[Mr. Lucky]

And I admit...my lack of decision, lack of courage makes me fantasize about having an affair.

 

That would make about as much sense as attempting to resolve a problem with migraines through DIY brain surgery.

 

You should fantasize about a life governed by healthy choices. Not there yet...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spiritedaway2003]

And I admit...my lack of decision, lack of courage makes me fantasize about having an affair. But I won't. I would never do that--even if I had the faintest idea of how I would go about that--it's just not me.

 

There is no possible advice to create courage or decisiveness; I am merely expressing my current state of mind.

 

Thanks for your honesty. It seems like you know what you need to do.

 

Drum up your courage to have that conversation, because the alternative is that you would still be unhappy years down the line, wishing you had said or done something before. I urge not to even fantasize the affair route. It brings heartache and all sorts of new issues that you are probably not equipped to deal with, if you can't even face this issue directly. If your relationship is no longer working, fix it or leave it. It's really as simple as that. Don't make it any more complicated than it needs to be (and don't drag another person into it).

 

You owe it to your wife to have that conversation that you're unhappy about the sexless, affectionate situation and how it impacted you over the years. Because you hadn't said anything, she didn't think it's even an issue or that it bothered you. So SAY something.

 

I wish you the courage to be authentic with both yourself and your wife. You both deserve that.

Edited October 23, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[amarriedguy]

Drum up your courage to have that conversation, because the alternative is that you would still be unhappy years down the line, wishing you had said or done something before. I urge not to even fantasize the affair route. It brings heartache and all sorts of new issues that you are probably not equipped to deal with, if you can't even face this issue directly. If your relationship is no longer working, fix it or leave it. It's really as simple as that. Don't make it any more complicated than it needs to be (and don't drag another person into it).

 

You owe it to your wife to have that conversation that you're unhappy about the sexless, affectionate situation and how it impacted you over the years. Because you hadn't said anything, she didn't think it's even an issue or that it bothered you. So SAY something.

 

I wish you the courage to be authentic with both yourself and your wife. You both deserve that.

 

 

Thank you for that.

The affair route is truly just a fantasy--it's not something I would actually consider, more along the lines of an erotic fantasy. I know that it would be a disaster waiting to happen.

Though I haven't had the courage to say anything, she seems to have some awareness of the problem: every year on Valentine's Day she asks me if she's a "good sweetie." I always say yes. I can't be sure.... but I think she's alluding to the absence of sex or affection on a "romantic" day.

Every day I think I've got the courage to say something--and then I don't--and I pray every day that I can find the strength to speak. One of these days, hopefully before too long...

[elaine567]

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by speaking your truth.

He may have "everything" to lose, that is probably why he has put up with the situation for so long and said nothing.

[amarriedguy]

Until then your marriage is a farce with untruths as its foundation.

 

 

This seems like an overly simplistic view of my marriage, in every way.

 

 

The foundation of my marriage is severely damaged, perhaps beyond repair, but I'll tell you what the foundation was: mutual respect, admiration, and friendship. The original foundation had no untruths--very much the opposite.

 

 

 

Without that as a foundation--which I believe are the essential characteristics of a committed relationship--I would have left 15 years ago.

 

 

My marriage is a mess; I don't deny it, and accept my responsibility--including my culpability in not taking action, not speaking up. But a farce founded on lies? I'm sorry, but you seem to be writing about someone else's marriage, not mine.

[DKT3]

You seem to avoid even answering tough questions here...so the idea that your marriage is lacking a solid foundation maybe valid...to a degree.

 

You two have apparently made an unspoken pact, there is little honesty there. Why? Because you dont agree, rather you simply went along and hide behind your wifes unfortunate experiences. If there were more honesty this wouldn't have happened. Secondly if were a great friendship your wife would have empathy for you and understand that you cant live without intamatcy. So one has to ask, does she even care or does she not empathize with the situation you've been forced into? Neither speaks well of the foundation you claim your marriage is based on.

[amarriedguy]

You seem to avoid even answering tough questions here...so the idea that your marriage is lacking a solid foundation maybe valid...to a degree.

 

You two have apparently made an unspoken pact, there is little honesty there. Why? Because you dont agree, rather you simply went along and hide behind your wifes unfortunate experiences. If there were more honesty this wouldn't have happened. Secondly if were a great friendship your wife would have empathy for you and understand that you cant live without intamatcy. So one has to ask, does she even care or does she not empathize with the situation you've been forced into? Neither speaks well of the foundation you claim your marriage is based on.

 

I'm not sure which tough questions I've avoided answering; I've tried to be honest and complete in my responses.

I take your point about the foundation of my marriage. I believe it began as I described it, at least I think so, but it certainly isn't true anymore. But maybe I've been fooling myself; it's possible that the admiration, respect, and friendship were all one-way; I really don't know.

Your description of an unspoken pact is painfully accurate, I hadn't thought of it that way. You've given me a lot to think about...

[DKT3]

Tough questions? You've been asked several times throughout your 10 pages does or has your wife broached the subject of being sexless for 15 years.

 

I say its tough because your a smart man, and answering the question would force you to realize just how screwed up this all is.

 

I cant imagine that even she believes that it's ok, so as I stated in my pervious post either she doesn't care how this all has impacted you or she cant understand how this has impacted you.

 

Also, is it possible that she believes you have been going elsewhere for physical intamatcy, could that be another unspoken agreement that she made that you missed?

[elaine567]

Seems to me a lot of women, do not view sexual "intimacy" ie having sexual relations with the same degree of importance as apparently many man do.

I think it is perfectly possible for a woman in a long term relationship to love the bones of a man and never consider having sex with him as being a prerequisite.

Here sex was rarely/never discussed after the traumatic event, so I do not see her actions as lack of care, merely an acceptance of the way things panned out.

Sex was/is no doubt a trigger, I guess few would want to keep picking the scab off that wound.

She had found a man who accepted her for who she is, she gave him an out early doors, and he is still sticking around 15 years later, why would she want to rock that boat and rake up the past? Especially a very painful past.

Why would she want to bring up something that no doubt from her end has not changed?

[amarriedguy]

Tough questions? You've been asked several times throughout your 10 pages does or has your wife broached the subject of being sexless for 15 years.

 

I say its tough because your a smart man, and answering the question would force you to realize just how screwed up this all is.

 

 

I completely misunderstood your intent about tough questions... I thought you meant tough questions asked of me here on the forum which I was avoiding, rather than the tough questions between me and my wife. Please forgive my confusion.

I think it's almost certain she hasn't asked because she imagines everything's OK since I haven't said anything, doesn't want to be reminded of what happened to her, maybe doesn't miss having sex, and is frightened that my silence is hiding something else.

As for me, not asking tough questions has allowed her to believe everything's OK, I don't want to remind her of what happened to her, and I'm afraid of the potential outcomes of asking those questions.

And...I'm afraid that my cowardice will result in this situation continuing for the rest of my life.

[pepperbird]

op,

I'm going to make some suggestions. Feel free to tell me off if they miss the mark.

 

Have you ever told your wife how important a sexual relationship is to you and how you feel without one? I know it may feel like she instinctively ought to know this, but she may not.

 

Let's face it. society, especially in the western world, is often very sexualized. As the saying goes, "sex sells", and it's all over the place, portrayed as little more than fun and recreation. The unintended effect of this is that it removes the important bonding aspect of a sexual relationship. It gets left in the dust.

 

In your shoes, I would steel myself, sit her down and have a very frank discussion about what all of this has done to you. Give her a chance to have her say as well. Whatever you do, don't have an affair. That's just self medication, and it's no different than self medicating with alcohol or drugs. It won't make the problem go away, and it just creates a whole set of new ones.

[SummerDreams]

Me and my husband are together almost 10 years, living together for 8. I am the only cook in the house. Often I put tomato in our toast in the morning and I have been doing so for 8 years. Last week I took the tomato out of the fridge but I forgot to put it in the toast, so when I handed it to my husband I said "OMG I forgot the tomato, hold on" and he said "no it's ok, I don't like tomato in the toast". And I was stunned. After 8 years I never knew that he didn't like it. And I said "why the hell didn't you ever tell me?" and he said he didn't know, I guess he was appreciative I was doing all the cooking so he didn't feel the need to tell me he didn't like this particular thing.

 

What I want to say is, you haven't expressed your dissatisfaction regarding your marriage so your wife assumes you are ok with how it is. Does she ever doubt that you are happy? Maybe, but then she assures herself everything is alright because the changes she has to make if things are not alright are too hard and maybe painful for her.

 

How do you expect her to know you are not ok with something when you have never told her?

 

Other than that, given the circumstances I don't think that even if you tell her she can change. I think you need to leave as I have said.

[DKT3]

Let's be honest here, most men in your situation would have "acted out" and forced his wife to make a decision......That is why more women file for divorce. OP, I dont believe you understand the level of strength you have actually shown over the past 15 years that you haven't acted out. I'm really concerned with your wifes lack of acknowledgement about the situation. Maybe it's like you said and it's a dont ask dont tell thing for her..

[giotto]

I think the problem here is not that they haven't had sex for 15 years, but that he is not attracted to his wife anymore. That's a much more difficult conversation to have...

[DKT3]

Yes, and I asked him about that...if he isnt sexually attracted to her any longer I dont understand what he thinks he will get out of this whole thing. I believe it's time for him to move on..but I get the reluctance to do so.

[spiritedaway2003]

I think the problem here is not that they haven't had sex for 15 years, but that he is not attracted to his wife anymore. That's a much more difficult conversation to have...

 

Legitimate question. So let's say you had that difficult conversation with your spouse, and your spouse hypothetically says, "Ok, let's try to change things up and we'll try to do more of x or y more frequently." Would that affect your decision to leave or stay? Or has the resentment festered for so long (15 years) that it's too late to save the marriage, even if the spouse is willing to bring back the physical intimacy now. Do you think that the attraction COULD come back? If it doesn't, it doesn't. I guess I just wonder what the endgame here is.

Edited October 25, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[giotto]

Do you think that the attraction COULD come back?

 

I don't think so. I think the OP doesn't just mean physical attraction, but attraction to a person as a whole. There is too much resentment there.

[pepperbird]

In the end, none of us can know what's going through his wife's mind. Only she knows that.

[DKT3]

What shes thinking is irrelevant really, she has made a unilateral decision to take sex off the table. What matters here is how OP will respond since what he has been doing is not working for him. She doesn't seem to be concerned with how its impacted him I dont really think what she thinks at this point should have any effect on his next move.

[elaine567]

Could it be seen as a decision? Should it be seen as a decision?

Seems to me mental illness and physical illness tend to dictate the outcome, the individual may have little say in the matter.

[SummerDreams]

Could it be seen as a decision? Should it be seen as a decision?

Seems to me mental illness and physical illness tend to dictate the outcome, the individual may have little say in the matter.

 

 

When it's a mental illness you can fix or take medication to make it have less impact in your life and you decide to do nothing about it, then this IS a decision.

[elaine567]

When it's a mental illness you can fix or take medication to make it have less impact in your life and you decide to do nothing about it, then this IS a decision.

But is it a conscious decision?

One needs to be of sound mind for a decision to be legit.

If one isn't of sound mind can they be held responsible for the decisions they make?

I don't think they can.

[SummerDreams]

But is it a conscious decision?

One needs to be of sound mind for a decision to be legit.

If one isn't of sound mind can they be held responsible for the decisions they make?

I don't think they can.

 

This particular person is a successful business woman. She can't be that out of her mind and not know that after a traumatic event you need to have therapy until you feel better. ..

[giotto]

This particular person is a successful business woman. She can't be that out of her mind and not know that after a traumatic event you need to have therapy until you feel better. ..

 

My wife has serious mental issues, but you wouldn't know. She has learnt to manage them over the years. She has a full time job and we have raised a few children... we also had may relationship issues, because she can't communicate with me properly. It's her illness. She doesn't want to face it, but it's not her fault. These are tricky situations and I believe the OP has made the mistake of not intervening sooner and make his voice heard.