Sexless Affectionless Marriage for Many Many Years

[giotto]

I think the problem here is not that they haven't had sex for 15 years, but that he is not attracted to his wife anymore. That's a much more difficult conversation to have...

[DKT3]

Yes, and I asked him about that...if he isnt sexually attracted to her any longer I dont understand what he thinks he will get out of this whole thing. I believe it's time for him to move on..but I get the reluctance to do so.

[spiritedaway2003]

I think the problem here is not that they haven't had sex for 15 years, but that he is not attracted to his wife anymore. That's a much more difficult conversation to have...

 

Legitimate question. So let's say you had that difficult conversation with your spouse, and your spouse hypothetically says, "Ok, let's try to change things up and we'll try to do more of x or y more frequently." Would that affect your decision to leave or stay? Or has the resentment festered for so long (15 years) that it's too late to save the marriage, even if the spouse is willing to bring back the physical intimacy now. Do you think that the attraction COULD come back? If it doesn't, it doesn't. I guess I just wonder what the endgame here is.

Edited October 25, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[giotto]

Do you think that the attraction COULD come back?

 

I don't think so. I think the OP doesn't just mean physical attraction, but attraction to a person as a whole. There is too much resentment there.

[pepperbird]

In the end, none of us can know what's going through his wife's mind. Only she knows that.

[DKT3]

What shes thinking is irrelevant really, she has made a unilateral decision to take sex off the table. What matters here is how OP will respond since what he has been doing is not working for him. She doesn't seem to be concerned with how its impacted him I dont really think what she thinks at this point should have any effect on his next move.

[elaine567]

Could it be seen as a decision? Should it be seen as a decision?

Seems to me mental illness and physical illness tend to dictate the outcome, the individual may have little say in the matter.

[SummerDreams]

Could it be seen as a decision? Should it be seen as a decision?

Seems to me mental illness and physical illness tend to dictate the outcome, the individual may have little say in the matter.

 

 

When it's a mental illness you can fix or take medication to make it have less impact in your life and you decide to do nothing about it, then this IS a decision.

[elaine567]

When it's a mental illness you can fix or take medication to make it have less impact in your life and you decide to do nothing about it, then this IS a decision.

But is it a conscious decision?

One needs to be of sound mind for a decision to be legit.

If one isn't of sound mind can they be held responsible for the decisions they make?

I don't think they can.

[SummerDreams]

But is it a conscious decision?

One needs to be of sound mind for a decision to be legit.

If one isn't of sound mind can they be held responsible for the decisions they make?

I don't think they can.

 

This particular person is a successful business woman. She can't be that out of her mind and not know that after a traumatic event you need to have therapy until you feel better. ..

[giotto]

This particular person is a successful business woman. She can't be that out of her mind and not know that after a traumatic event you need to have therapy until you feel better. ..

 

My wife has serious mental issues, but you wouldn't know. She has learnt to manage them over the years. She has a full time job and we have raised a few children... we also had may relationship issues, because she can't communicate with me properly. It's her illness. She doesn't want to face it, but it's not her fault. These are tricky situations and I believe the OP has made the mistake of not intervening sooner and make his voice heard.

[elaine567]

I believe the OP has made the mistake of not intervening sooner and make his voice heard.

 

I agree.

IMO, we really cannot blame the victim here for the decisions she made to try to cope with a hugely traumatic event.

The OP needed to decide whether the fall out and the sequelae of that event were acceptable to him.

Obviously at some level he could accept, but now he finds he can'i.

Unfortunately "Now" is all he has, he cannot turn back time, the past is history.

 

The question as I see it is...

"Can he continue to live in a sexless marriage or not?"

I see no point in trying to force or pressure or shame his wife into "changing".

The time for that, if there even was a time for that, was at least a decade ago...

[pepperbird]

When it's a mental illness you can fix or take medication to make it have less impact in your life and you decide to do nothing about it, then this IS a decision.

 

 

She did try and do something about it. The op states himself that she tried counseling, and it didn't seem to make much of an impact. It's not like turning on a light switch.

 

 

I understand where the OP is coming from. For him to be able to process what's happened and move forward, he needs to feel as if he has explored every avenue and found no other way but ending his marriage. That's actually good, as it may well make it easier for him if and when he finally decides to pull the plug. There won't be as much of the "if only I had done x, y or z, things may have worked out".

Edited October 28, 2019 by pepperbird

[LuckyM]

Now that you are in your fifties, what sort of sex did you have in mind? WHat are you two capable of doing that brings you pleasure or joy? WHat makes you think that she is physically capable of this enjoyment? Is she still attracted to you? How often would you do this?

This is not a matter of therapy as I see it. It's a stock answer at best. WHat acts of sex and affection will or will not engage her? Maybe this is all a moot point. Her personality is not going to change and it may get more unpleasant or annoying..

 

 

Need a vacation?

[amarriedguy]

I agree.

IMO, we really cannot blame the victim here for the decisions she made to try to cope with a hugely traumatic event.

The OP needed to decide whether the fall out and the sequelae of that event were acceptable to him.

Obviously at some level he could accept, but now he finds he can'i.

Unfortunately "Now" is all he has, he cannot turn back time, the past is history.

 

The question as I see it is...

"Can he continue to live in a sexless marriage or not?"

I see no point in trying to force or pressure or shame his wife into "changing".

The time for that, if there even was a time for that, was at least a decade ago...

 

 

It never occurred to me that this would be a permanent "disability" (I use the term very loosely). It seemed to make sense for a while to say nothing; I guess I just got used to it. I acknowledge my tendency to always put my needs last--and yes, I am trying to address that in my own therapy.

 

 

 

I would never try to force or pressure or shame her into have sex--that sounds like rape to me. But discussing it openly and honestly...yes, that should have happened years and years ago. As for a sexless and affectionless marriage...no, I can't continue that way.

 

 

I have, with great difficulty, admitted to a couple of friends (male and female) what has been going on all these years. Big surprise: their first question is "why haven't you divorced her?" I don't have a good answer.

 

 

I continue to feel completely stuck and hope for a "deus ex machina" which will resolve the situation for me. Cowardly of me...

[Mr. Lucky]

Cowardly of me...

 

Well, yes it is. And it also robs you of the chance to begin to make healthy choices as you move forward it life.

 

amarriedguy, from where I sit, you're a relatively young man. Hate to see you leave your fate up to this:

 

Mattel Magic 8 Ball

 

The original Magic 8 Ball is the novelty toy that lets anyone seek advice about their future! All you have to do is simply “ask the ball” any yes or no question, then wait for your answer to be revealed.

 

Mr. Lucky

[amarriedguy]

Well, yes it is. And it also robs you of the chance to begin to make healthy choices as you move forward it life.

 

amarriedguy, from where I sit, you're a relatively young man. Hate to see you leave your fate up to this:

 

Mattel Magic 8 Ball

 

The original Magic 8 Ball is the novelty toy that lets anyone seek advice about their future! All you have to do is simply “ask the ball” any yes or no question, then wait for your answer to be revealed.

 

Mr. Lucky

I hadn't thought of using a magic 8 ball; sadly mine was relegated to the dump heap many decades ago...

All I can say at this point is that my realization--my admission to myself--about my marriage is quite recent. I understand now how I got into this mess, but I don't want to make any hasty decisions--even though the path seems quite clear to me now.

Maybe I'm just procrastinating, but I believe that after so many years of marriage I must be thoughtful, scrupulous, about how I proceed...

[SummerDreams]

I do agree that you should not make hasty moves. I suggest you talk and plan about your "exit" with your therapist so it goes as smoothly as possible. I mean, you have lost 15 years, what is 6 months more?

[princessaurora]

I'm going to share something with you i rarely talk about because i think it may help you.

 

I developed a condition about 7 years ago called interstitial cystitis and it made my love life go into a dormant status overnight after 13 years of marriage (its a painful bladder condition that makes you lose all interest in anything involving your private area because you're always hurting down there. ) My husband understood for the first year or so and as I found medicines to help me heal and learn to control it, having sex was just something i no longer desired because i associated it with pain and didnt want to risk it acting up. We still kissed and hugged but nothing more than that and he never pushed the issue because he didnt want to hurt me. . This became our new normal and after about another year of me thinking this was an ok way to live, he came to me one day and said he cant keep going on like this without sex and that even though he felt awful for my situation, it just wasn't fair to him. Then he said something to me that really hit me hard. He said" i dont even see you as someone sexual anymore. Its like we're roommates now. I dont even have the desire to have sex with you anymore" That stung me to the core because him thinking i am incredibly sexy was always such a turn on to me and I know i still am because i get hit on all the time, but my husband is the only person i care about viewing me that way and suddenly he didnt anymore. That was my come to jeesus moment and I knew i had to act fast. I loved him and didnt want to lose him. I admit i was a little resentful when he said those things, but it put things in perspective and I thought of how i would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. We went to marriage counseling, and slowly started getting back in the groove ( first with oral and eventually penetration) Now i will admit we will never have marathon sex due to my condition, and there are still times where i cant do anything at all due to flare ups, but whenever we can we do. It did take alot to get my sexuality back. I self pleasured alot and i started writing erotic short stories to bring back the girl i knew who was still in there, and sometimes i use him to get some inspiration to write which he is more than happy to partake in. lol

I'm not trying to compare her trauma to my sudden disability beacuase i can't even fathom what yall have been through, but I just wanted to show you that laying it all on the line for her may make her wake up and realize if she wants her marriage to survive she needs to act now. It was a rough start getting back into intimacy ( many times i pushed him away because i associated sex with pain) but looking back now i'm so glad i was able to overcome this hurdle and bring back the love and bond that was slowly diminishing before my eyes and I didn't even realize it till he spoke up. I was too caught up in my own despair.

 

I know its tough love when you do the poop or get off the pot approach, but it may just be the push she needs to do something about your situation. And don't leave the part out about not being attracted to her anymore (of course you're not, you haven't been intimate in 15 years). She needs to hear it all so if there's any part of her that wants to change your situation, it will surely awaken her. If she still refuses to do anything to save your marriage, well then you have your answer and can walk away knowing you did everything you could with your head held high.But she seems to really love you and I have a strong feeling this is going to give her the reality check she needs. Good luck and I'll be pulling for you, no matter the outcome.

.

[SummerDreams]

princessaurora I am happy things worked out for you but to be honest if I were in your shoes I don't think I would be able not only to forgive my husband for the hurtful things he said and the fact that he wanted to leave me when he knew my condition, but also reward him for it by bringing sex back to the table.

 

 

Nah. If he can't love me for better or for worse then he's not right for me.

[princessaurora]

princessaurora I am happy things worked out for you but to be honest if I were in your shoes I don't think I would be able not only to forgive my husband for the hurtful things he said and the fact that he wanted to leave me when he knew my condition, but also reward him for it by bringing sex back to the table.

 

 

Nah. If he can't love me for better or for worse then he's not right for me.

 

 

He never said he was going to leave. He just didnt see me as as desirable anymore and that bothered the heck out of me. I think he probably would have stayed but been miserable like op is. But mine went on for about 4 years not 15. And i became very mean during my flare ups screaming at him all the time and fussing at him if he brought me home something i couldnt eat by accident because it would burn the heck out of my bladder. I was basically an evil person and took all my anger at this condition i was cursed with on him. So to treat him that way and not even offset it with some physical intimacy was an awful thing for him to endure. Even our marriage counselor said alot of men would have walked out and never came back. Im all for better or for worse, but everyone has a threshold.

[elaine567]

Princessaurora, Seems to me, he put up with your illness and then pressured you into having sex again by taking a sledge hammer to your self esteem.

He then pushed through YOUR pain threshold both metaphorically and literally... albeit with your permission, but permission gained in not a very nice way.

 

I know you love him and did not want to lose him, but his actions to get sex do not sound very loving and caring to me...

[Marc878]

Which just says divorce was the best path.

[Marc878]

I hadn't thought of using a magic 8 ball; sadly mine was relegated to the dump heap many decades ago...

All I can say at this point is that my realization--my admission to myself--about my marriage is quite recent. I understand now how I got into this mess, but I don't want to make any hasty decisions--even though the path seems quite clear to me now.

Maybe I'm just procrastinating, but I believe that after so many years of marriage I must be thoughtful, scrupulous, about how I proceed...

 

Nothing wrong with that but there is a fine line between thinking it through and avoiding a decision

[DKT3]

So, when did being honest become so wrong. I assume he told his wife how he felt, just as most are saying OP needs to do.

 

Sadly when one spouse decides unilaterally, for whatever reason that sex is off the table its almost certain that the other will eventually lose attraction. It happened with OP who is no longer attracted to his wife and the example a few posts back.