Author Watercolors Posted October 11, 2019 Author Share Posted October 11, 2019 (edited) I agree with this. Watercolors, a friend tells you the truth. I disagree with you and basil67. I don't know if you think I owe her an apology because you disagree with *me* that her comments were insensitive. If that's the case, I think you are both missing the point of my post, which is, when a friend does/says something and doesn't apologize for it, what is the best step to take; to call them out, or leave it and move on. She could have chosen to express empathy or sympathy with me, but she chose not to. She chose to make dismissive and insensitive comments to me which hurt my feelings, then refused to apologize (which would have shown me that she respects my feelings as her new friend, but she didn't do that, did she). You and basil67 can disagree with me that her comments weren't mean, but that's just your opinion. I am not going to apologize to someone when I did nothing wrong in the first place. All I did, was set a boundary by telling her that her choice of words were hurtful. She chose to ignore my feelings with her response. A good friend doesn't act that way. So, she's not a good friend. Edit to add: The two times we went out in small groups, she just left me hanging by leaving the venue without telling me. She didn't even say goodbye to me in person, or text me that she was leaving. Again, showing me that my friendship isn't much of a priority for her. Edited October 11, 2019 by Watercolors Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 Im not even sure that there is a friendship here, other than just being acquaintences. Perhaps you have read more into this friendship than she has. Personally, I have no friends who are "mean" to me. If they are mean to me, they arent my friend, and I wont continue to push a friendship. I just dont understand why you continued to pursue a friendship with someone who has been "mean" to you over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watercolors Posted October 11, 2019 Author Share Posted October 11, 2019 Im not even sure that there is a friendship here, other than just being acquaintences. Perhaps you have read more into this friendship than she has. Personally, I have no friends who are "mean" to me. If they are mean to me, they arent my friend, and I wont continue to push a friendship. I just dont understand why you continued to pursue a friendship with someone who has been "mean" to you over and over. You may be correct that she's just an acquaintance and I thought we were actually friends. My friends aren't mean to me either, so this was definitely a new experience for me. I thought she would change, that's why I remained in touch with her. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 I agree with Basil, this wasn't a mean thing she said to you. She has nothing to apologise for. Your situation with this "roommate" woman is not optimal, but perhaps you need to address that, rather than take your frustration out on your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watercolors Posted October 11, 2019 Author Share Posted October 11, 2019 I agree with Basil, this wasn't a mean thing she said to you. She has nothing to apologise for. Your situation with this "roommate" woman is not optimal, but perhaps you need to address that, rather than take your frustration out on your friend. I have nothing to apologize for. I didn't "take anything" out on this woman. She made a rude comment that hurt my feelings and refuses to apologize for it. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 I understand that her comments weren't what you were needing or looking or looking for, but they certainly weren't mean. She was just being a bit chill about it all and contemplating what the other woman was going through. She certainly didn't deserve to be told that she was cold, insensitive and mean and so her second response was quite correct. If anyone owes an apology here, it's you. Wow, sorry, but I gotta agree with Basil too. Her comments were not mean or insensitive and I don't think she deserved to be told she was mean and cold. To me her comments did show empathy. It sounded like she was saying that the lady you live with has some deep issues that have nothing to do with you and so you should not take her actions personally. Like what is mean or insensitive about that? It sounds like she isn't even a friend in real life, just an online friend whom you only talk to online. It's very difficult for some people to convey emotion through texting or messaging. She was probably shocked at how you responded to (what sounded to me) a reasonably understanding and fair minded comment. She could very well be on another forum right now saying "can you believe how this online acquaintance responded to my comment regarding her roommate? She hasn't apologized to me so what should I do? Should I end the friendship?" You two obviously don't share the same needs or view regarding friendship and so you should probably just move on and stop talking to her. You are not getting what you want out of her and I doubt she is enjoying being told she is mean and cold. You are both bad for each other. You are not more right than her, you just see things differently. Not a good friendship match. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watercolors Posted October 12, 2019 Author Share Posted October 12, 2019 I did not start this thread to defend myself. I started this thread to ask a question about what to do when a friend won't apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 Right, well I think everyone answered that. If you aren't getting the apology you think you deserve then just end the friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 I did not start this thread to defend myself. I started this thread to ask a question about what to do when a friend won't apologize. I know you didn't start the thread for that reason, but when there's disconnect, we also have to examine our part in the situation. For starters, I don't think she'd be aware that you're expecting an apology. And if she was aware, I'm not sure what she would apologise for doing. In all truth, she's probably walked away from that discussion wondering what on earth just happened. While you didn't get the acknowledgment of feelings you'd been hoping for, let's look at the other things she didn't say. She didn't say you were being silly. She didn't criticise you. She didn't tell you that it's all in your imagination. The only thing she did was join you in commenting on the way this woman is behaving. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 I did not start this thread to defend myself. I started this thread to ask a question about what to do when a friend won't apologize. I think it is easy to go off at the deep end about things people say, on SM or IRL Here you expected her to sympathise with you, and no doubt join in in a b^tchfest about how awful this woman is. You were on a rant. You wanted her "on side" and to join in on the rant, she instead took a more balanced and rational view. That upset you as you expected different. She did not attack you, she was not mean. She has nothing to apologise for... Mentally ill people, do what they do, they rarely do things to upset or cause trouble for other people, they are usually just so focused on their own issues, that other people fade into the distance. You are taking y our roommate's actions personally, but they are not done deliberately. When a friend will not apologise then it is often time to seriously step back and look more objectively at the situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watercolors Posted October 16, 2019 Author Share Posted October 16, 2019 I just realized that my thread is really about how my friend invalidated and minimized my feelings and won't apologize for doing that, because she just doesn't care about my feelings. So, no, I don't owe her an apology at all. https://drjamielong.com/validation-5-things-not-to-say/ Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts