Is this normal

[Jordan's thoughts]

Hello love shack long time reader first time poster and will try and keep it brief..

I guess this is where the common phrase is used “ WHERE TO BEGIN”.....I guess a bit of back story is necessary...I Met my ex-girlfriend on Facebook when she reached out to comment on a photo and me being a Hormone charged 19-year-old was only too eager to respond.....Things started out slow with me asking her how her day was and her asking how I was coping with exam pressure...To my surprise she was an anime fan and she was in to light novel plus manga, this was beyond rear considering the country we’Re from (Zimbabwe in Southern Africa) oh not mention she is a beautiful green eyed red head..this was basically too good to be true ( if only I had listened to that statement perhaps I could’ve save myself from immense pain ) by the way I am not white but she is..(it’s relevant to the story trust me)

 

Anyway for about two years we were chatting on social media ,I was in and out of relationships (told her about them) but for some strange reason she never mentioned her relationship or anything of the sort (should of been a sign) even when I asked her about them she would just brush it off or find someway to cleverly not answer my question...After all our chatting She pushes for us to meet and finally put an actual face to the name and not just pictures, the first time I see her it’s like I forget to breath....there she is green eyes,red hair and she was wearing a one piece t-shirt(an anime show we both watch)..Conversation flows effortlessly between us so we Decide to watch a movie and have coffee afterwards so that was our first date.....As one would expect texting starts to be more flirtatious , Communication is constant and eventually we are sending Sexy pictures to each other. At the point she passes a comment saying “we’re basically dating without the official definition “ and I asked her do u want us to have a Definition and she responds by saying “took you long enough”...The beginning of the relationship was amazing, we talked all the time

Spent every waking moment together ,we even had our little anime inside jokes about things but as the relationship progressed I noticed she would not let me meet her family.... By the 8th month I had to really push to meet them but she would always brush it off or find an excuse not to meet, I had to stop her and tell “I want your family to know you are safe with me” I was tired of being treated like some guilty pleasure, she just stared at me for five seconds the said “alright”..

 

The first of her family I met was her grandmother, a sweet elderly lady who made us apple pie for breakfast..She was impressed by my wanting to get to know her family and even commented “ I wish more of the younger generation were is chivalrous As you”....I won’t lie this gave me “BIG WINGS” and a boost in confidence ,then a Month later I met her mother and kid brother at a braii( barbecue event ) and they seemed to like me well enough but to everyones surprise her father showed up, apparently he’s only in the country once or twice a month and is mostly gone due to work so his presence was unexpected ....The man takes one look at me calls his wife and daughter side For a chat, they talked for what seemed longer then necessary And at the end voices were being raised, Then he said a comment that poured ice water on the whole event which was “NO DAUGHTER OF MINE IS GOING TO BE IN AN INTERRUPTION RELATIONSHIP”...you can imagine the awkward silence And I took that as my cue to leave but not until she came back to check on me...About 4 days later I got an unexpected call from her grandmother who invited me for lunch (to be honest I always look forward to her grandmother’s home cooking) she apologized For her son’s behavior and even went on to mention “he was never really there for his kids like his father was never really there for him”...I told her she had nothing to apologize for And that some people just need time....

 

Things gradually go back to normal but then she started acting distant ,her messages became one word answers and she would get pissed if I asked her for a sexy picture( was a major red flag but as usual I couldn’t see it)..I figured it was just her dad issues and she needed time...The push forward to the month of February As my birthday is two days before Valentines So I am assuming that this is going to be one of the best weekends ever....The day of my birthday comes around and she is nowhere to be seen, my sister ends up calling her from her phone only to hear music, laughter and dancing in the background.. she tells me not to invest too much into this girl but this is a bad sign (damn I why didn’t I listen) but me with my Love goggles on Simplicity couldn’t see she was wrong But then come valentines my ex-girlfriend tell she doesn’t celebrate that day and made plans with her friends (again red flag but love goggles Make u blind) the two weeks later my grandmother who was suffering from cancer passed away and the whole she said nothing to me...After the burial I phoned her yelling asking her “What kind of girlfriend doesn’t comfort her boyfriend in his hour of need, hell if u have no words of comfort at least distract me from my pain “... She was silent the whole time Then she dropped bomb on me at one of the worst possible times, she said in a soft voice “I won’t lie to you I cheated on you with my best friend(a girl by the way)” ...In that moment it was as if the world stood still and I simply cut the call....

 

The following week we arrange to meet for coffee at the very same place we had a first date And of course the first question I asked is “WHY” to which she responded by saying “most men would be happy about this” to which I said “I DONT WANT TO SHARE YOU”....she just looked at me with a short pause the said

“I AM AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT”....I stare at her and barely recognize the person in front of me....Like seriously who is this person because it sure as hell Isn’t my girlfriend....

I stood paid for the coffee and left so thus was The end of my relationship so I thought ....

 

Throughout the following months she tries to message me saying good morning and what not but to which I never reply but after three months she phones me crying saying that the girl she cheated on me with is pregnant With the baby of their high school bully...After listening I cut the call and have myself a DAMN GOOD AND WELL DESERVED LAUGH...and we have no contact for another 7 months when she video calls me to say she’s getting engaged and that she’s happy in my first response that is why would you tell me.....

 

Please help me understand is this normal behavior for women or is this one a special case

[MsJayne]

It's nothing to do with her being a woman, playing stupid mind games is something that both sexes do. My question is why did her father refer to her relationship with you as an "interruption relationship" - what does that mean? As far as contacting you months after your break-up to tell you she's getting married, my guess would be that she wanted you to be jealous. Likewise with the cheating with her best friend thing, comes across as stupid attention-seeking to me and I doubt whether it's even true. The whole saga reads like she was very insecure and didn't feel important to you so wanted to hurt you. If she has a weak relationship with her father she may perceive all men as cold and uncaring, or may even feel a need to punish men.

[mark clemson]

Think interruption got auto-corrected - was actually "interracial".

 

OP, think you guys are young? It sounds like she's just doing whatever is fun and so the bi cheating was just fun for her. She wasn't thinking about how you'd take it. You could have been a little less cold/abrupt about cutting ties, but I guess you were pretty hurt. No one would blame you for this response, really.

 

I wouldn't give this "engagement" much of a chance unless she's a lot older than she sounds, but you never know. You don't seem overly upset about it, so no worries.

 

I think this is "normal" for a young person who's still discovering and experimenting with relationships. Not particularly considerate, but think that things like this are fairly commonplace, especially with "casual" relationships among younger people.

[Jordan's thoughts]

Ms Jayne I meant to say "interracial relationship" auto correct was responsible for that..And yes her father hasn't really been much of a presence in her life andwhen he is around The relationship seems estranged, from what she has told me as a child into her teenage years she would only see him twice a month due to the nature of his job and majority of those times He seemed stressed out and frustrated So Quality time with him looked more like a chore than actual bonding

Edited October 27, 2019 by Jordan's thoughts

[Jordan's thoughts]

Think interruption got auto-corrected - was actually "interracial".

 

OP, think you guys are young? It sounds like she's just doing whatever is fun and so the bi cheating was just fun for her. She wasn't thinking about how you'd take it. You could have been a little less cold/abrupt about cutting ties, but I guess you were pretty hurt. No one would blame you for this response, really.

 

I wouldn't give this "engagement" much of a chance unless she's a lot older than she sounds, but you never know. You don't seem overly upset about it, so no worries.

 

I think this is "normal" for a young person who's still discovering and experimenting with relationships. Not particularly considerate, but think that things like this are fairly commonplace, especially with "casual" relationships among younger people.

 

Maybe you are right and I could've been a little less cold but the idea of her giving herself to another while still being with me really took the air out of my lungs plus possibly doing so while I was burying my grandmother was like a double betrayal.....I just couldn't see her the same way after that...Oh and to answer your question we're both 24 but we broke up when we were 23 (don't know if that counts as young)

[preraph]

Sorry it all went wrong. I put it off to youth. I mean, you were both so young you were all into anime. If you had been maybe six years older, by then, maybe she would have stood up to her dad as an adult instead of still having to be his child and obey him. You really don't have a good chance for a mature lasting relationship until you're old enough to stand up to your parents, and that means you are independent and supporting yourself.

 

Also, if she weren't real young, she'd perhaps have her sexual preferences worked out, but she's still in the process of experimenting and finding out. So you got caught up in all that. You sound like a nice person and her family except for her dad sound nice too, so it's a shame. One bad apple spoils the bunch. But really, it wouldn't have if she had been a few years older and living on her own.

[Marc878]

Your sister is right. Why are you wasting your time on this?

[mark clemson]

Yep, no one blames you for feeling how you felt. Agree that walking away from this is the think to do (and you've already done it, it sounds like).

 

What's "normal" is hard to say in a way. People are very different and even the same person may act very differently at different times in their life.

 

Cheating, particularly prior to marriage when the consequences are lower, is apparently very common. However, I don't think anyone would say it's normal. At least in the US these days, it's contrary to what's expected.

 

At any rate, you know how you feel. Hopefully the next woman you are with remains loyal. Letting her know (gently but firmly) up front that cheating is a dealbreaker for you may lower the chances of it happening again (although nothing can ever be 100% certain for that).

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Your sister is right. Why are you wasting your time on this?

 

Agreed.

 

I went through something similar in my college years. I chased and dated this girl. I kept getting mixed signals and she was flakey. I asked her roommate if this girl is always this flakey with guys. Her response was "Yes", so I let the relationship die a natural death. Just move on.

[Jordan's thoughts]

Sorry it all went wrong. I put it off to youth. I mean, you were both so young you were all into anime. If you had been maybe six years older, by then, maybe she would have stood up to her dad as an adult instead of still having to be his child and obey him. You really don't have a good chance for a mature lasting relationship until you're old enough to stand up to your parents, and that means you are independent and supporting yourself.

 

Also, if she weren't real young, she'd perhaps have her sexual preferences worked out, but she's still in the process of experimenting and finding out. So you got caught up in all that. You sound like a nice person and her family except for her dad sound nice too, so it's a shame. One bad apple spoils the bunch. But really, it wouldn't have if she had been a few years older and living on her own.

Thank you for your words of support they help me put lot of thinks in to perspective...

[Jordan's thoughts]

Think interruption got auto-corrected - was actually "interracial".

 

OP, think you guys are young? It sounds like she's just doing whatever is fun and so the bi cheating was just fun for her. She wasn't thinking about how you'd take it. You could have been a little less cold/abrupt about cutting ties, but I guess you were pretty hurt. No one would blame you for this response, really.

 

I wouldn't give this "engagement" much of a chance unless she's a lot older than she sounds, but you never know. You don't seem overly upset about it, so no worries.

 

I think this is "normal" for a young person who's still discovering and experimenting with relationships. Not particularly considerate, but think that things like this are fairly commonplace, especially with "casual" relationships among younger people.

it's strange but I believe you are onto something in terms of her "engagement"

Here is a bit of an update

Recently a Mutual friend of ours (female) had a birthday celebration and had invited me to come but informed me my ex would be there,so to avoid any awkwardness I decided not to go but promised to make it up to her (AND OMG I AM SO Glad I DID)..I proceed to have an uneventful evening home alone then first thing in the morning my phone is bombarded with messages of details of the party mostly from the mutual friend.....Apparently my ex showed up with her fiancé (probably to show him off) but her behavior seemed strange like she had

Taken more then just pre party drinks and was making things awkward for her fiancé.

 

 

I am told after she took quite a few shots of tequila she sat him down hugged him then said "I missed you Jordan (my name)"..I heard he at first didn't pay much attention to it because he didn't know my name but as her statements kept coming out that all changed, she then went on to reminisce about an evening I took her out dancing, about how I helped her pick a red dress and after all that went back to my place and watched anime....But what blew his top was her last statement.....

She said "can't we go back to that,we were so happy together"

My friend tells me her fiancé basically threw her off him and this action seemed to pull her back to reality as her apologized and said the tequila made her say things she didn't mean but he pressed her for details about my identity and contact information (which she refused it seems)...

 

Now here is the think her fiancé is a private pilot working on becoming a commercial pilot plus he is the same race as her dad ( they both white) and he is a bit older it seems so by all accounts she should be happy that she is with a guy her father accepts so why would she self sabotage like this......And if the fiancé does find what do I say to him......

[mark clemson]

..And if the fiancé does find what do I say to him......

 

 

Well, apparently she misses you. That DOESN'T mean she'll actually come back to you, necessarily.

 

She sounds very not ready for marriage IMO. She probably knows this at some level and may be sabotaging things (possibly unconsciously).

 

Unless she contacts you stating she wants you back (IF you'll actually have her) tell the fiancee there's nothing to talk about, you're done with her and any questions should be directed to her. It's their relationship and THEIR issues to sort out.

 

If she comes to you independently looking to reconcile, you'll have to decide if you want that and then decide what to do from there.

 

I have to again echo Mark878's thought:

 

Why are you wasting your time on this?

 

Many, many men in this world have a beautiful girl from their past who it didn't work out with. Don't bother clinging to this memory (unless you really think you wish to try to win her back and have a shot at it). Beautiful young women have LOTS of options in the dating world and it will be easy for her to start fresh. You already saw how easy it was.

 

Just move on and find a new GF is the best thing IMO.

[Jordan's thoughts]

Thank you all for your insight and kind words......I would never take her back cheating is a big No NO for me, I can forgive but can’t get back with her and if her fiancé Does contact me I will be civil and respectful and not hide anything ..

Edited November 12, 2019 by Jordan's thoughts