JustGettingBy Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Okay, so most people here, if they remember me, would know that I struggle with finding a romantic relationship or job in my field (still working full-time but would like to improve) and that I have aspergers, which I hold partially responsible for my struggles. I have been able to maintain strong friendships, but struggle with being someone's top 2 or 3 friends. So ending this before a pity party starts and getting to the point: has my solution to my aspergers traits, being to afraid to speak my mind, been what's holding me back. It would explain a lot. Being the inoffensive reasonable person who nobody hates might make me someone's fifth or sixth favourite in a group of 10 (tolerable and likable, but not 'loved') wouldn't win me a job interview or partner, but would get me into friend groups. Should I be less afraid of taking risks? Being more 'fun', 'energetic' and 'personal' in an interview for example, and not be super serious to the point of near robot levels 100% of the time (note, this doesn't mean I'm going to stop being professional in an interview). Maybe talk more about hobbies and personal stuff with women to find common ground at the risk coming off as 'weird'? Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Maybe talk more about hobbies and personal stuff with women to find common ground at the risk coming off as 'weird'? I'll start with this bit. If you normally avoid discussing the things you do for fun or personal goals/interests, then you're going to come across as one-dimensional. If you try too much to please everyone, you end up pleasing no-one as you're not being genuine. Don't worry about being weird. To quote Dr. Seuss: "People are weird. When we find someone with weirdness that is compatible with ours, we team up and call it love." To the right person, it won't matter. The only way you'll know the weirdness is compatible is to share it, and see what happens! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 I don't know anything about aspergers. What struck me in your post is that you are trying to decide how to act, as if who you are is arbitrary. I think that describes a chameleon. I vaguely remember posts by other people with Aspergers, saying "maybe I should just be this way or that way". So maybe a chameleon tendancy is not uncommon. However I always thought people with aspergers have their own unique ways and can't help being different. This seems to be the opposite of a chameleon who has no true identity. I don't understand this contradiction. Anyway, the upshot is that it's hard to make friends when you have a vague identity. People want what is genuine, and they can tell when it's an act, when you show them only an exterior that you constructed. Don't underestimate people's ability to pick the genuine. People want that comfortable feeling of knowing someone well, of being able to predict what their best friend will say, of knowing all their buddy's quirks. These all bring closeness and bonding. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Should I be less afraid of taking risks? Being more 'fun', 'energetic' and 'personal' in an interview for example, and not be super serious to the point of near robot levels 100% of the time (note, this doesn't mean I'm going to stop being professional in an interview). Maybe talk more about hobbies and personal stuff with women to find common ground at the risk coming off as 'weird'? Being warmer & more personable is generally a good thing. If you can be charming rather then robotic in both your personable & professional life that would be a benefit. People like people who help them feel more comfortable. Anybody who has hobbies about which they are passionate is committed & interesting, not weird. Even if the person you are talking to doesn't share your interest, they should be impressed by your commitment. Plus it will help you weed out people with whom you are not compatible so you can find somebody who shares your interests. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Yes, be more energetic in personal relationships, definitely, and talk about your interests, but remember not to go on and on about your interest if the other person has no interest in it. So you first ask them what they do for fun and talk about their interests or see if you have common interests. And then maybe you say, I also like to go rafting (or whatever) and see if they are curious about that or say something like "I'm a terrible swimmer" or something else indicating no real interest before you would go into details. In job interview, you should never bring up personal stuff unless asked. You should never bring up your hobbies at all unless they ask (no one would ask that). It might be on an application, but usually it is in the context of "other interests or special skills." That doesn't mean tell them about your stamp collection or anime interest. That means something that would be useful to the job, like knowing CPR. No personal at job interviews. They may ask if you have kids, or they may not. If they do, it's probably because they want assurances you won't always be leaving work on account of them. Once hired, then you be friendly to everyone, but mostly in the polite and professional context, and eventually you might make a friend or two there to talk about yourself. You mentioned you often in the top 2 or 3 as far as someone's friends. I have to tell you, except maybe in about 3rd grade, dissecting where I ranked in the friend group would never have occurred to me. Those dynamics ebb and flow from day to day, and you should stop measuring that. That is extremely insecure and needy looking to do that. Just accept that you have a group of friends, and count yourself lucky to have them and realize one day you'll have more time with one than another day. Most of my life I only had maybe 3-4 close friends and then sometimes I had a wider circle of nonclose friends I didn't usually do one-on-one things with but talked to when out and about. Everyone has their role in a group of friends, and one isn't better than the other. You need to stop focusing on that because if you cling and act needy, you will lose friends. Just, like you are talking about, focus on being more fun and entertaining and natural. All friends want is to hang with someone who is fun and easy to talk to and entertaining, not intense and heavy and worried and jealous. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustGettingBy Posted October 19, 2019 Author Share Posted October 19, 2019 Okay, everyone thanks for the advice. In job interview, you should never bring up personal stuff unless asked. You should never bring up your hobbies at all unless they ask (no one would ask that). It might be on an application, but usually it is in the context of "other interests or special skills." That doesn't mean tell them about your stamp collection or anime interest. That means something that would be useful to the job, like knowing CPR. No personal at job interviews. They may ask if you have kids, or they may not. If they do, it's probably because they want assurances you won't always be leaving work on account of them. I thought I had said personal stuff more so for dating, but thanks, best to avoid faux paux before they happen, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 Yes I think you are playing this well, you have been a people pleaser as such in-order to fit in,taking things at your own pace. but now you want more than that, yes develop opinions on things and do not be afraid to express them, create a bit of character and identity about yourself, that will make you more interesting. people at the end of the day want to know what the other person is all about. a yes man becomes simply boring. Link to post Share on other sites
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