Online affair getting over it

[Shiftingworlds]

Hello... i’m So lost right now.. hoping to find some shift of some kiind I guess. I had an affair. An online one to be exact. Me the person who thought she was above it all and who fell irremediably in love with her husband 15 years ago, got married and had two kids. I consciously made a decision for over two years to communicate online with a man who was not my husband.

 

I’m not proud of that far from it. It was low, selfish and self destructive. It was the cliche tacky predictable case of feeling lonely in my marriage, feeling abandoned by my husband and looking for some solace in chat rooms kind of like now. It was just about talking to another human being about something else than kitchen towels and who’s turn it was to do the washing up. I talked to a few people about music books etc . Whenever they would turn sexual I’d walk away.

 

Then M came along and he was funny, surprising and he kept it low key. The first day we talked he disappeared mid conversation and I didn’t expect to hear from him ever again. But he showed up the day after and the day after and most days after for two years. Eventually the conversation turned sexual. Eventually we shared pictures. I was naive, I was stupid . I knew he was a dead end he lived on the other side of the world! Even if by miracle he turned out to be who I thought he was and even if by miracle we met and fell for each other then what ? We both had responsibilities and we both had commitments... so I knew nothing good would ever come of it... so I rationalised. Maybe we can remain friends after all he said isbdone, maybe in a few weeks months i’ll Just walk away. It will be easy. He is just an escape. A fantasy.

 

Fast forward two years down the line... the highs were highs... but inevitably every time there were some pretty deep lows. I ended the sexual side of things over the summer... but we continued talking.. once again rationalising that he was a friend I had gotten to know and cared for. Recently ( after I pushed very hard for an answer) he admitted that he ne his ex wife had been talking about getting back together... suddenly the last two years completely fell into focus and it was like I had gotten gut punched.

 

A) I realised like me he was probably married from the get go ... a lot of things that didn’t make sense before started to fall into place, b) for months he had been trying to patch things up with his ex and still talking to me flirting with me trying to go back to your sexual ways... and c) I realised how badly I had Messed up the last two years ... he asked for us to remain friends. He is rationalising it all .. saying he never meant to lead me on, it was a dick move not to tell me about getting back together with his wife.yes it was because I would have come to the same realisation sooner had he told me. But really... it doesn’t matter. I don’t like the person I have been for the last two years I won’t know that person and I don’t want to be her. I have enrolled to see a therapist and finally decide what I want to do with my marriage. And yet my mind keep going back to him. Can we be friends? I don’t think we can.

 

I think it’s easy to fool myself into thinking we can Just be friends. But I can’t seem to cut him out of my life completely. We communicated via a an anonymous text platform and although I logged off and not responding to his texts I know he is texting. But I can’t seem to cut him out completely and delete the app... I’m just looking for insights.. kick up my butts...to prevent me from showing even less self respect than I have until know.. help me stay strong and put this behind me

Edited October 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[carhill]

Welcome to LS

1. It sounds like the 'affair' was with a stranger you never met nor talked with on the phone who apparently lived on the other side of the planet. Is that right?

 

2. How long ago did the texting on the anonymous platform end?

 

3. Does your husband know or suspect? Any changes in his behavior?

 

4. Do you still love your husband? Why?

 

5. Have you ever suspected or known your husband to have had an affair?

 

Easy to say delete the app and forget about the guy. In practice it's not so easy. However, the more closely you naturally bind to your spouse over time, the other stuff will just fade away and be forgotten. Part of human nature and love. Seen it happen a lot with MW's. Pretty amazing actually.

[Shiftingworlds]

Hi,

Thanks for your response.

We never met no. We voice called on Skype or the app. When I said I wanted to end this, I had the first face time call since we met. Twice in one night.

 

It truly ended Friday. Don't get me wrong part of me knew it was doomed from the get go.. As cliche as it sounds I got carried away. I realised a while ago that he was not the guy I thought he was and that's when I initiated a retreat in August. Then i fooled myself thinking we could be friends. Because St the end of the day it wasn't the sex talk or the flirting that made me go back day after day. It was the high of being connected to someone And we had very platonic conversations for a month until I pushed on a topic that had been nagging me for a while. Was he married? Don't ask me why but when he said him and his wife had been talking about getting back together since the summer, it was like I was waking up from a two year daze. The fantasy we had created just evaporated and all that was left was just foolishness and embarrassment.

 

He is starting to know me well because the next words he texted were please don't disappear on me (which was my very first instinct.) We can still be the same friends we been bla bla bla bla I didnt not there and then. We talked for two more days and he was more available than he had been in months. But in the back of my head I knew it was time for an exit so I didnt get in touch on Sunday and Monday I told him I needed to back off. I have deleted all his means to contact me and locked down my Internet presence bar for that one text app I haven't logged back on... But I know he's been texting...

 

For my husband... The most honest answer is I don't know. I don't know if he knows, I don't know if I want us to stay together, I don't know if we should... I love him yes. But I've grown resentful and angry way before I ended up on a chat plarform and that's not the most healthy of relationships. I've started to see a therapist solo to try and figure out where to go from here.

 

I don't think my husband has cheated and part of me wishes he had.. At least then I could understand his total lack of interest in me sexual or otherwise since we had our kids 8 years ago.

 

I think the online thrift was simply a way to escape what was going on in my marriage. This kick in the butt is forcing me to face the music..

Edited October 10, 2019 by Shiftingworlds

[mark clemson]

IMO your marriage should stand or fall on it's own, without the influence of romantically attached (or detached) "friends".

 

At least then I could understand his total lack of interest in me sexual or otherwise since we had our kids 8 years ago.

 

This doesn't sound promising.

 

I think the online thrift was simply a way to escape what was going on in my marriage.

 

 

Agree. You made it easier for yourself to tolerate your bad marriage.

 

The IC should hopefully help with figuring out what your next steps should be. There may be potential to reinvigorate your currently bad marriage. Do you sleep in the same room? Consider instituting morning cuddling (not necessarily sexual) IF you can get your husband to do that. That would be one of many steps that might help.

 

If your husband simply hates you now (for whatever reasons) it may not be worth attempting to reinvest in the marriage?

[Shiftingworlds]

IMO your marriage should stand or fall on it's own, without the influence of romantically attached (or detached) "friends".

 

 

Mark you are spot on.

 

 

We do sleep in the same room we even have sex from time to time...very detached sex almost like he is scratching an itch... no eye contact, no tenderness... he doesn’t talk to me at all during the act and generally turns his back on me afterwards. That’s how he sleeps. His back to me at the other side of the bed.

 

Hate me? I don’t think so. Indiffferent? Potentially. There are many times where I think he just stays with me for the kids. And then times when the kids re not with us and we get to go out where I think there’s hope... and the next day we revert back to indifference and it is the same crushing pain every time.

[vla1120]

Hopefully, the IC will help you determine where you want your marriage to go. As hard as it may be, I hope you will block any and all communication with the online guy and try to put him out of your head. That's the only way you'll truly be able to evaluate your own feelings and in what direction you want to move.

 

Once you start to feel better with IC, it would be beneficial if you and your husband could attend MC together. If you do determine that you do not want to stay together, don't stay just for the kids. That is what I did with my first husband. We both refused to leave. We stayed married for 32 years "for the kids." Meanwhile, because we showed our daughters a toxic relationship, all three of them have had nothing but toxic, unfulfilling relationships of their own. Oh how I wish we had ended it so much earlier. Maybe my girls would have had a chance to see us in happy, healthy relationships. At least they would not have seen the very poor example we set for them.

[mark clemson]

Ok, well I can't claim to be an expert on this sort of thing but at some point, presumably when you're a bit farther along in your IC, you'll need to start joint MC to bring him in and work on communication as well as other things. It's very hard to say on a message board what's driving this, but a professional that works closely with both of you (and presumably with him alone at some point) may be able to figure this out and hopefully do something about it. I wouldn't quit the "duty sex" (unless you actually give up on the marriage) however unsatisfying it may be for you. Consider starting the cuddling (if he's amenable) but I'd actually ask your IC about that suggestion before trying that.

 

 

It's hard to say why this is so far gone. It could actually be worse (at least he does desire sex with you, and you have some decent days) but clearly there's a LOT of room for improvement. Possibly he has depression? I don't know, but a pro presumably could help.

[mark clemson]

Sorry VLA, crossed posts...

[vla1120]

Sorry VLA, crossed posts...

 

No worries!! (Great minds....)

[Shiftingworlds]

Meanwhile, because we showed our daughters a toxic relationship, all three of them have had nothing but toxic, unfulfilling relationships of their own. Oh how I wish we had ended it so much earlier. Maybe my girls would have had a chance to see us in happy, healthy relationships. At least they would not have seen the very poor example we set for them.

 

That is precisely what I want to avoid... My parents had a horrible marriage and stayed together for us kids... We all wish they hadn't... I always told myself my kids would get to see a marriage of love and partnership... Its probably one of the most difficult things about the current situation with my husband... Kids old enough to pick up on things now and if there is no way to go back to who we were... Or to find a better us... Then it's time to leave all considerations aside and part ways...

 

Thank you all, I posted here expecting a major backlash and I'm humbled by the advice and insight I'm reading.

[Buffer]

That is precisely what I want to avoid... My parents had a horrible marriage and stayed together for us kids.

I always told myself my kids would get to see a marriage of love and partnership... Its probably one of the most difficult things about the current situation with my husband...

Thank you all, I posted here expecting a major backlash and I'm humbled by the advice and insight I'm reading.

 

I don’t want to be too harsh.

Unfortunately the apple dose not fall far from the tree.

You are distant from your husband and have been since you made the conscious decision to commence a online EA.

I haven’t seen any signs of affection mentioned towards your BS. So far I see all about me, me, me, nothing really about your #1 and that is the children.

 

Does your BS know, most likely he does, he is depressed, probably feeling he has lost you to another, Hence sleeping with his back towards you subconsciously pushing you away. Why put in the effort when you text OM daily, constantly checking in case he has messaged.

 

Now what do you really want to do? Actively seek out the other party which you have stated numerous times isn’t viable, R and try to build the trust that has been have lost, building the respect you have denied him. Or D and move out and start anew.

 

Your BS has the right to know what his relationship is based around. So he can make the decision either to remain with you or take the children and set up in a relationship with a spouse who has his best interest at heart.

 

If you only do one thing, cut this OM out of your life. Why care he maybe texting you. Delete the all contact apps. OM has been having sexting with you and then going and acting out those fantasies with his wife.