Just an update at 20 days NC-support please

[francis]

its funny, the message he wrote would indeed have seemed heartfelt and considerate if you had been together...but because these words are coming from the very person who needed space from you, the words seem almost hypocritical.

 

it makes me angry that he thinks he has the right to just throw you an email like this. ok, so he may still care, but if he had any thought for your feelings he would respect the fact that he was the one who demanded space and that you may be hurting and confused by receiving this message from him.

 

Any form of contact from him should be about reconciliation. Either that, or he should leave you the hell alone.

 

There is no NEED to contact him. Why put yourself at his mercy?

 

If he persists with his 'small talk' IM's over a lenthy period of time, and simply doesnt seem to want to mention his feelings or your relationship, just stick to very simple replies, do not to divulge info about what you are doing, what your plans are, how you are feeling etc. Do not initiate contact with him.

 

He should be the one to take the initiative. But you should not be the one waiting around for that, dangling on his piece of string.

 

I am sure you have too much self respect for that. You are a powerful woman!

 

I can't help but think about that old saying...'if you love someone let them go, if they come back then you know its for real'.

 

Perhaps this experience will show the true depth of your love, and his for you. And perhaps you will discover if your relationship was really worth fighting for. Because unless you both wanna fight to save it, it is best for you to find someone who thinks you are worth it.

[georgiagirl76]

Francis

Thanks for your encouraging words. I really have no intention of contacting him. I don't want him to see that I am still hurting. I don't want to be lured back in only to be hurt again. I don't think he would do it intentionally but there is always a risk. No Contact is the only way I will be able to heal.

 

I think it is great that you find me powerful- all day I have felt like a scared little girl all alone- not sure how to get home. Well that may be a bit drastic, I haven't been devasted just feel like I am in a haze. If after all the work I did for the past 3 weeks- one contact from him can send me here I know I am not ready for any kind of constant contact. I am proud of myself because as I have posted before- I have no family to talk with about things and so I have done a lot of this emotional growth on my own. I believe in sunnier days and I know that love is powerful and I have a lot to give-thus one day I will find someone who will appreciate it.

 

I will only begin dialogue with him if he directly refrences our situation. I will not cater to his grief by small talk and letting him know that I am ok. This is now my pain and my situation- he created it and he has to live by the rules of his creation.

[Zoey]

I don't get it. Why don't we "broken-hearted ones" want the "one-that-got-away" to know that he can of us back?

What if this IM is his way of trying to come back?

How do you differentiate testing the waters from just cannon-balling back in? Should you have to?

 

I'm just saying this because I think there are plenty of people who end relationships amicably and in a way that leaves open the possibility of getting back together...so what makes everybody think that this IM is not just his little way of testing the water to see if wants to take the plunge again? Not everyone just bares their sole right away and says, take me back right now! Getting back together is like the initial dating process, only a lot more cautious...everyone is watching out for his/her heart just a little more.

 

I haven't been following your story from the beginning, but I think he misses you. It's natural for people to miss the person they loved, especially if they think they *may* still love that person, but are a little unsure. I guess that you should probably not respond until you have faced the fact that he may never come back to you...but, if you think enough time has passed and that you can handle it, I don't see why you couldn't have a friendly conversation. I mean, whether or not you are together romantically right now, does not negate the fact that you still care about each other.

 

The whole NC thing is about taking care of your heart and head. If it makes more since for your heart and your head to hear from the boy every once in awhile, then do that. There is no right answer when it comes to relationships, but ultimately, the only WRONG answer is the one that makes you feel bad. Listen to your heart and head above all else.

[francis]

" I will not cater to his grief by small talk and letting him know that I am ok. This is now my pain and my situation- he created it and he has to live by the rules of his creation. "

 

These words touch my heart, turn me cold and are so poignant. I will return to these words every single time I weaken and have the urge to contact him.

 

Because you are totally and completely right. Remember these words.

[georgiagirl76]

Francis

I jumped in the shower after I read your post- and had more clarity. I started to realize that although I do love him and want to see him again- it isn't really fair for him to "just check in to see that you are ok." I mean he gave up the right to see how I was doing when he decided that the stress in both of our lives were too much right now and that he wanted space.

 

I knew he still loved me when he walked out- he even said so. I knew he would miss me. What I don't understand is why people just can't be honest and say "I have been thinking about you and I don't know what to do. I don 'tknow if I made the right decision but I am afraid to get back into a relationship if I don't really have my stress taken care of. Also, if you don't want to move every three years it is pointless since I have decided to make a career out of the military." That is a lot more helpful than- I hope you are doing well.

 

Also, he has to be testing the waters- he im was pointless. I knew that his army ten miler was this weekend. I orignially talked with him about dropping out of the show in order to go and volunteer in DC for the event. I mean we just broke up 3 weeks ago it isn't like something major has just come up that he wanted to share.

 

I am also thinking that maybe he is trying to test the waters before Oct 25. We live in Georgia but have tickets to see U2 in Detroit for that day. It was kind of a gift for taking the bar this year. Anyway- who knows- but I am going to stay strong. If he contacts me again and actually says something of substance I will reply- but not before posting here lol

[JS17]

Hey GG, just got back from the hospital and haven't been able to read the whole thread but I read a couple of your posts. Sorry girl, we all have those lonely times, make sure that after you take some time apart (more than 20 days) you examine whether it is him that you miss or having a relationship/boyfriend. It'll get better

[georgiagirl76]

Thanks JS

Actually I have thought about that a lot and I have determined that I am very happy alone and that I don't miss a boyfriend per se- I do miss him. For the first time in my adult life I am very happy wiht my life and how things are going and so I am not having difficulties being alone. I am just going to buy into the "time heals all wounds" and just allow it to do so and also actively process things as well. I have made it 3 weeks now- there isn't any reason why I won't make 3 more.

I hope all is well with you. If you get a chance read the posts- especially the one with his im I would be interested to hear your take.