Need to avoid becoming an OW

[June]

Hi all

 

I have attended a drama group since the start of the year. I am single and in my forties. Gradually it has become very clear that one of the (married) teachers is attracted to me. I have mostly ignored him, but unfortunately I am attracted to him too.

 

These days I only attend the group fortnightly due to another commitment, but now he makes sure that he comes to the pub after the group whenever I am there. I mostly sit next to other people in the pub and thankfully I am rarely alone with him for more than 30 seconds (while someone else goes to the toilet).

 

I know he is attracted to me as since the start of the year there has been 1)unnecessary touching 2)endless compliments 3) prolonged eye contact. He is married with a four-year-old son.

 

I have been looking for someone unattached myself to have a relationship with. In real life I have only met inappropriate or married people. I guess I am going to have to return to online dating, which I despise - but then again I know three women my age who have found life partners through it.

 

I am aware that an affair with this drama teacher can only lead to catastrophe:

• loss of my self-respect
  
• strong likelihood of discovery in our town
  
• ruining his marriage
  
• ruining his son's life
  
• ostracism in our close-knit town
  

 

I think that between me and this guy there is not only a sexual, but also a romantic attraction. But I also know on so many levels it's not worth moving forward with.

 

When he is in the same room as me, however, it's like I have a different 'app' installed - more short-term, more prone to eye contact and flirting.

 

I think the best thing I can do for myself is get out there dating systematically for the distraction it would offer. Unfortunately I have not had many good relationships in my life and tend to be a bit pessimistic about meeting the right person. I am certain this is the nub of why I am attracted to someone unavailable.

 

Luckily the set-up of the drama group means we are always with other people... it would only be in the pub or after the pub that there might be 30 seconds of talking alone or him trying to offer me a lift (I have always walked home or taken a lift from a female friend).

 

Please could you all persuade me of how awful it is to be the OW? I think that would really help me.

 

Thanks very much

June

[carhill]

Doesn't sound like you're in an affair or remotely involved with a committed partner, rather you think a married guy is attracted to you. Is this the first time you've experienced this? I'm old and have seen married guys hitting on women for decades. It's pretty pedestrian. The lady says no you're married and he moves on. If he doesn't get the message then she tells his wife he's hitting on her. That'll shut him up.

 

 

 

Welcome to LS!

[June]

Hi Carhill

 

Actually now I think back there have been three times in my life previously when a married men has hit on me. The first I distanced myself; the second one I was naïve but refused to go to bed with him when he suggested it, and then the friendship ended; the third when I realised his agenda I told him I was unavailable for that. So I do have a good track record at avoiding these things.

 

I guess what's different this time is that I really would like to be in a relationship (although I am very good at being single); and the current guy yes I am attracted to. It is partly the context of the drama class - we get to be creative and that was a side of myself I suppressed for many years. I really really really need to get dating, don't I?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Quit the group and join another one if you have to.

 

You know this would only lead to catastrophe.

[Veronica73]

Don’t do it. Any guy that would cheat on his wife is not a catch. And eventually he’d probably cheat on you as well. You can do much, much better. And just read some of the other woman threads on here. It sounds awful to be the other woman. Seems like women’s self esteems take a HUGE hit when they are relegated to the other woman role.

[June]

I would really miss the drama group if I stopped going as it's an integral part of my community. Although I now go only half as often as previously.

 

In fact one thing which is off-putting about becoming involved with him is that it would really shake up that group... and I love that group.

 

I must say it is motivating to think that I can show greater self-respect by resisting than by giving in. I am fairly emotionally stable compared to how I used to be, and I like the thought of preferring my self-respect and stability to anything illusory from him. This is how I feel 80% of the time. Then 20% of the time I am tempted.

 

I think I need to keep very very busy and have new distractions in my life.

[d0nnivain]

You already know how awful it would be to be the OW. But he's attractive, you're lonely & if alcohol is involved reason can go out the window.

 

You already know not to be alone with him. What you have to do is think of that wedding band as a big old stop sign. When he chats you up ask pointed questions about his wife & child. That ought to pour cold water on everything.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think I need to keep very very busy and have new distractions in my life.

 

It's OK to feel temptation. Like you said, it shows strength of character to resist it. And, it doesn't have to be easy. It might not be. But you should still do it.

Edited October 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[June]

But he's attractive, you're lonely & if alcohol is involved reason can go out the window.

When he chats you up ask pointed questions about his wife & child. That ought to pour cold water on everything.

 

yup, absolutely. I am not much of a drinker myself, luckily. I tend to stop after just one. Whereas there is a recklessness about him with beer that I probably would be quite irritated by if I were in a relationship with him.

 

Yes, I am lonely, and it's that which I need to deal with. I could learn more about his wife and child, as we live in a town and a friend of mine knows his wife. I even volunteer at the school that his kid attends.

 

I will think up some questions to ask him about his wife and child. I'll prepare several of them.

[d0nnivain]

Since you volunteer at the school, as Qs about that. I'd include the following somewhere in here:

 

1 What does your wife think about this drama group?

 

2. Is your wife involved in theater?

 

3. How did you meet your wife?

 

4. How does your wife feel about you coming to this pub afterwards?

 

5. What would your wife think about you talking to me?

 

6. How long have you been married?

 

This isn't supposed to be subtle chit chat designed to get to know her or him It's supposed to be a bright red flashing light warning you both of the danger. If he gives you lines about how she doesn't understand him ask questions about how his child will feel about a divorce.

[June]

Actually d0nnivain, those are amazingly good questions. If I really am serious about resisting I would do well to use at least two of them when I see him next in a couple of weeks.

Thank You!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Actually d0nnivain, those are amazingly good questions. If I really am serious about resisting I would do well to use at least two of them when I see him next in a couple of weeks.

Thank You!

 

Good plan. You won't ever regret staying a woman of integrity.

[June]

My peace of mind will be so much greater if I prevent this from advancing.

[FMW]

Any "relationship" with him would involve secrecy, guilt and lowered self esteem. Surely that's not the kind of relationship you're looking for and it would delay for a long period of time your ability to find a healthy relationship.

 

If you haven't already just read some of the stories here from OW and that should be enough to keep you away from him.

 

You have experience in deflecting attention from men - so use it. He's only continuing the flirtation because you are being receptive. Stop it.

[June]

@Finding my way

You are right - I have been slightly receptive. I've been vacillating between ignoring him and returning the eye contact. I like him a lot - but that doesn't mean there is any possibility of a healthy relationship here.

 

I want to tell him point blank that I don't entertain married men - yes, I have deflected them previously.

Thanks for telling it like it is.

[mark clemson]

Please could you all persuade me of how awful it is to be the OW? I think that would really help me.

 

Yes, generally affairs, even if not discovered, become HUGE emotional headaches - as suggested you can read about some of them in these forums. If discovered, they can ruin lives.

 

He may not care, or right now think he cares, but you're absolutely right about the risk of divorce, emotional harm to everyone involved (including his child), ruining of your reputation, and significantly damaging your social life.

 

Given that you are doing this in the context of a large social group in a small town where folks know each other, your risk of discovery is extremely high. Lots of eyes with ability to make reasonable deductions based on your behaviors.

 

So yes, not worth it. Easy call.

 

Guess what. You already know all that. And yet here you are soliciting support to help you make the right (and easy) decision.

 

I think you're going to go for it. A different (more "prospecting" and less rational) part of your brain gets activated in early stages of romance. The "desire" is already kicking in and a conflict between what you rationally want and your emotions is in progress. You describe this in your original post.

 

What you need to do to shut this down is to shut HIM down. Going with the suggestions above - you need to start making it VERY clear that you're interested in his wife and son's welfare. Ask him for his wife's email and phone number. Tell him you want to talk to her.

 

THAT will shut him down. You will be a threat to him and not an option. He will probably develop a dislike (as well as a healthy respect) for you in short order.

 

I strongly doubt he'll give you his wife's contact info. It may affect your drama group interactions, but I doubt he'd kick you out or anything. In a few months when this settles down, he'll probably start this up with some other prospect. The fact that you're there to see it won't stop him.

 

THEN you'll know you made the right decision.

[June]

Yes Mark, you are right I don't 100% trust myself here. I think I will let him know that his wife and I have a mutual friend. I might even tell the mutual friend of my concerns so that there is social pressure to avoid this catastrophe.

 

Yes, showing strong interest in his wife and child is the way forward. In the pub after the class, other people ask after them, and I don't. I will change this and it will change the tenor of our interaction.

 

I have been so happy in the last year or so as I love this town I have moved to; and I love this drama group. I don't feel like he would be adequate replacement for the loss of either of those communities.

 

I have decided to get some good online dating profile photos taken so that I can press ahead with dating and meeting real prospects.

 

Thanks for your straight talking. I think it's being able to look ahead which will save me from this.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes Mark, you are right I don't 100% trust myself here. I think I will let him know that his wife and I have a mutual friend.

 

This reminds me of a story from many years ago, after my divorce when I did some online dating. I was chatting with this man who eventually gave me his first and last name, so I Googled him. He was a married school superintendent with like 4 or 5 kids. He and his attorney wife wrote a book together. At the time, I worked closely with a lot of other school superintendents, who would definitely know him because they had monthly meetings together that I sometimes attended! So, I said hey I Googled you and we have a lot of colleagues in common! That of course petrified him because I could single handedly ruin his reputation in the community if I chose to. The next message I got from him was something like "Omg! Someone hacked my email and created this profile and is pretending to be me!" And he deleted his account. And hopefully did not cheat on his wife!

[June]

That of course petrified him because I could single handedly ruin his reputation in the community if I chose to. The next message I got from him was something like "Omg! Someone hacked my email and created this profile and is pretending to be me!" And he deleted his account. And hopefully did not cheat on his wife!

 

Ha ha! Yes there are certain merits to living in a smaller community... I do think it can protect against wrongdoing, as we all have a reputation to keep up!

[Whodatdog]

Ignore him, and stop playing games. I guarantee you arent his first "fling" and definitely wont be his last. Do you just want to be a notch in his bedpost?

Edited October 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mark clemson]

Thanks for your straight talking. I think it's being able to look ahead which will save me from this.

 

YW + a wise maneuver.

 

Since you're taking this in hand, I'd like to tweak my advice to Consider asking for his wife's contact info. Don't want to make it TOO strong or he might find some excuse to kick you out of the drama group, etc. You sound smart and I bet you'll figure out how to finesse this to the right level of concern/caution on his part.

 

You mention him drinking - I'd say beware of him if he's drunk as that may change the parameters here quite a bit.

 

 

This reminds me of a story from many years ago...

 

Interesting story. So he was a prominent person with an attorney wife pretending to be single but using his real name? Duh. Like those NYC DA's with their prostitutes and d*ck selfies...

[June]

Ignore him, and stop playing games. I guarantee you arent his first "fling" and definitely wont be his last. Do you just want to be a notch in his bedpost?

 

Agreed - I have thought that. I reckon he has had plenty of opportunities in other groups; and he can be bold when he wants to be.

 

Yes, I don't think I'm the only 'indiscretion' since he's been with his wife.

[June]

@mark Clemson Yes, I think I will let him know that his wife and I have a mutual friend. I will remind him that in this town secrets are impossible and no one is more than two degrees of separation from anyone else. I can happily say that in front of the group; and indicate that I think it's a good thing that everyone is watching each other. No secret double life possible here!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Interesting story. So he was a prominent person with an attorney wife pretending to be single but using his real name? Duh. Like those NYC DA's with their prostitutes and d*ck selfies...

 

Yep! And alarmingly the head of an entire school district!