Should I end it?

[Creampuff]

I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago. He's a sweet nerdy guy. He's not attractive, but I love the way he treated me. Always cheering me up after I feel down, supports my dreams, and we promised each other to talk out our problems openly, so that we can find a solution together. He's a hard-worker, and his reasons are "I need to get good grades so that I could get hired by a good company and made a good living for us"

 

Yes, we do fight sometimes but thanks to his open minded relationship, we managed to create good memories.

 

But my mom just doesn't like him. He's not attractive, and he didn't came from a wealthy family. We tried several times to make mom likes him, but she never opened her heart.

 

One day I heard my mom talk on the phone "ugh!!! I wish my daughter could work abroad so that she can broke up immediately with that stupid ugly boy!! I wish she just dated this guy, he's way better than her boyfriend."

 

And that's it, I broke it up, because my mom won't open up to him after 3 years of dating, and because my mom spread bad rumors about him to everyone else, that's enough. I can't take it anymore, he doesn't deserve to be treated like that

 

So then, I started dating this guy that my mom likes better. And my mom is in fact happy with it. I'm pretty happy seeing my mom happy. He seemed nice when we first became friends.

 

But slowly I felt that I got more and more depressed being by his side.

 

He's the type that doesn't want to talk out problems with me, and just giving me a passive aggresive "it's fine"

I'm a soft girl, too soft actually that I eventually cried because of this. Because I was so frustated to the fact that the problem is not solved and he ran away from it. I ended up saying sorry each time he started his passive aggresive act.

 

I once declared a break up with him. I don't know if it's just me, but how he act is too much. Such as not replying my message or being passive aggresive by replying really short with just a word like "k" "oh" (fyi I'm just sending a friendly message about homework). I then felt sorry and came back to him saying sorry several times.

And other times when I broke up, he said "yes, I deserve such thing, I'm such a bad person", after that I felt sorry and gave him another chance.

 

It felt like he's the victim of my easily depressed personality. I don't want him to suffer from my bad and soft attitude again, he said I should stop feeling like I'm the most pitiful person on earth (I actually never think that way)

 

Is it just me who's too soft?? Should I break up with him?? If so, how should I find the courage to break up with him??

[assertives]

I've found that when it comes to break ups, any reason is as good as the other. Especially if the relationship is no longer working for you. Both you and him deserve to find someone who are a better fit. It wouldn't be fair to both you and him to hang on to a relationship that isn't working out just because you can't bring yourself to hurt him.

 

Also wanted to add, wrt your mom's opinion, I hope you'll remember that at the end of the day, you are finding and dating someone to hopefully spend the rest of your life with. You are the one who's going to build a life with him, have kids with, grow old with, watch each other die, spending a large part of your days with etc.. not your mom. It's important to pick someone that you can live with than someone your mom prefers as a son in law whom she'll likely spend a considerably shorter time with.

[Art_Critic]

Should I end it?

He's not attractive

 

 

I'm surprised you are even asking this question, show the guy some respect and break up.. nobody deserves to be used in this manner.

 

Every person is lovable and can be considered attractive and hot to the one that loves them.

[elaine567]

The "unattractive one", she already binned as her mother didn't like him, though he was a great guy and better suited to the OP.

 

The passive aggressive closed off jerk is now the one under discussion...

[Art_Critic]

The "unattractive one", she already binned as her mother didn't like him, though he was a great guy and better suited to the OP.

 

The passive aggressive closed off jerk is now the one under discussion...

 

 

Thanks.. I guess I haven't had enough coffee this morning...

Sorry OP for not reading more thoroughly.

[Maddie82]

Your mom is incredibly shallow. I have a daughter and would never stop her seeing a guy just because he wasn't very attractive. If he was good to her, supported and she was happy that's all that matters. The first guy was good to you but you put your moms happiness before your own. Now you're with this guy and you're not feeling it. I'd say break up with him. He's not a very open person and some people are just like that. It's not a bad thing. You're messing him around allot going back and forth which makes him feel like he doesn't know if he's coming or going. You're making him feel like a bad person.

[Art_Critic]

Being that you started dating him because your Mom approved of him do you think that your decision is being made harder by the fact you don't want to go against your mom ?

You see him as unhealthy for you so finish it.

 

 

Gain strength and some esteem from the fact you are setting boundaries and enforcing them, even if it means going against your Mom.

[stillafool]

Is it just me who's too soft?? Should I break up with him?? If so, how should I find the courage to break up with him??

 

Yes you do need to toughen up a bit. When a guy isn't treating you the way you feel you deserve to be treated tell them immediately, "This isn't working out for me and I no longer want to be a couple. Best of luck with your life". Walk away, hang up, or block them after that and move on with your life. You mentioned homework, are you in high school or college?

 

Tell you mother "thank you" but you don't need her to pick your boyfriends for you and if she likes this guy so much perhaps she should date him. Also if you are a senior in HS you can hold off on dating until you enter college. Then date who you want.

[Creampuff]

Ah, I'm a college student, and the guy I'm dating is 25 years old

[schlumpy]

Ok. The guy that made you the center of his world and checked off most of your boxes was unattractive to your mother and apparently also to you. You dump him with very little expressed remorse on your part so I think the guy dodged a real bullet here. I know you framed it as you were being honorable but I don't see that reflected in your motives.

 

Mother approved boyfriend number 2 who is now in your life but unlike boyfriend number one he makes you unhappy and doesn't check all the boxes you are looking for.

 

You didn't say if he was rich? If he is that may explain much.

 

I guess you can blame this on a personal personality disorder but I don't think you can decide if that is true as long as your mother is controlling your life. I don't think you know who you are or what you want.

 

You need to get out from under your mom's thumb and you do that by getting a job, finding your own place and paying for your schooling. If the money is tight consider ROTC and military service to help you get by. Apply for grants.

 

If you don't get out your life will never be your own.

 

And please don't try and go back to boyfriend number one. The honorable act of letting him go so he can find someone that will devote their life to him is the correct action.

 

The person isn't you, so please let him heal up so he can move on and be happy.

[d0nnivain]

Your mother is shallow & you are spineless. As a 25 year old college student it's hard to stand up to your parents but you must.

 

I'm happy for the 1st guy that you dumped him. He deserves a woman who thinks he is attractive & you don't. He deserves a woman who will stick up for him & you didn't.

 

As for the 2nd guy, you are dating him for all the wrong reasons. You got forced into this & you are unhappy. He also deserves a woman who wants him for him not because her mommy said so. You deserve to be with a guy you like & want, not just your mom's choice.

 

You should not date at all. Do what you have to do to graduate, get out on your own & stand on your own two feet. Then maybe you can make better choices for the right reasons.

 

There were times in my life when my parents, especially my mother, didn't like the men I dated. On 2 occasions she complained that 2 of the guys were fat. Objectively both were carrying extra weight in their bellies but I didn't see that & it wasn't important. Both were great guys who treated me well. That is why I dated them & that is what I told my mom, all about their good qualities. She learned to hold her tongue about my choices after that.

[scooby-philly]

Completely agree with dOnnivain!!!!!!

 

Having been dumped by someone recently who I could not have treated better, loved more, supported any harder I am keen to remind people - love isn't just a feeling, it's a choice every day. And this #1 seems - from what you described - to be someone for the long haul.

 

Except in a few cultures around the world you should be relatively free to date who you want. One day your mother will pass and you'll be left by yourself and the people you let and kept into your world. Parents and siblings and close friends can offer great opinions on who we date - but in this case it sounds like your mom is simply shallow and vain.

 

And as dOnnivain said people need to be with someone who finds them attractive. Even if you didn't think that yourself and you only once took a step back and said - yeah - he/she may not be 100% magazine cover worthy - sharing that with anyone is out of the question and not defending your significant other to anyone or everyone is a complete failure as a partner. Sounds like you need to mature a bit and realize what a good, healthy, loving relationship is all about.

[Flame Aura]

Why are you listening to your mum for dating advice, especially one that is so shallow? Are you 16?

 

Jheeze grow up.

[preraph]

Look, your mom had her life to live as she chose. She doesn't get to choose how you live your life. It may be the only one you have. Likewise, she is not you and what she finds attractive is not what you find attractive. Obviously, you need to move out and be independent and stop being influenced by her. It's time to grow up and make your own decisions and mistakes. She sounds like a jerk. He was nice to you and she picked one who wasn't. So I would let her know she is a bad picker and you'll do your own picking from now on.

 

Now, is this past boyfriend the one to spend your life with? If you are still in your early 20s, I doubt it. Why? Because you are still not an adult because you are still letting your mother run your life and are not independent. Once you become independent and become your own person, you will change and make different decisions and have different requirements. So it's likely you will change enough that your taste in men may change. But if it doesn't bother you that he is "ugly" and you're still attracted to him, and he is also nice, then you should at least be with him for now, but don't let him just rush you into marriage and don't get pregnant. You have some maturing to do.

[stillafool]

Ah, I'm a college student, and the guy I'm dating is 25 years old

 

If you're a college student you are old enough to chose your own boyfriends. Why don't you tell your mother this?

[mark clemson]

You need to get out from under your mom's thumb and you do that by getting a job, finding your own place and paying for your schooling ... If you don't get out your life will never be your own.

 

Seconded. It's your life not your mom's. Consider discussing with her how bad her pick made you feel.

 

If the money is tight consider ROTC and military service to help you get by.

 

Suggest you ONLY do this if you were seriously considering it anyhow. This can seriously affect your post-college career options. For some it's positive, for others much less so as they try to adjust to a much less structured civilian world. HR Depts are aware of this also. Some LOVE ex-military, others don't. If you were thinking about this anyway, great. Otherwise, I'd approach it with substantial caution.