Girlfriend left me for her only friend

[rjc149]

I'm only 38 my friend....so first year of the "bic" culture - but still prefer a fountain pen.

 

Anyway - that's a very bad view of the world IMHO. Yes, a lot of LDRs don't work out - not saying they do. And in the poster's case it was clear she was not ready for something real. But just as he deserves better, two mature people can make it work - except in his case he was the only mature person.

 

I'm 35 and also prefer a fountain pen haha.

 

You can call it a bad view of the world, I just see it as being realistic. LDR's aren't realistic for the majority of people. It's a relationship *without* benefits. All the expectations of loyalty, communication and commitment, without the physical intimacy. Aside from the logistical issues of constant verbal communication and visiting each other frequently enough to keep the connection alive, at its core, an LDR is not natural.

 

And for the sake of people posting here still reeling in pain from a LD breakup, I feel it's important to remind them that their relationship wasn't real, so their breakup wasn't real either. And, for everyone who wants to contend "I've in been in an LDR for X years and we're still going strong," there's 10 more people who either got dumped or cheated on by their LD partner with someone local.

 

Directing this at a male poster, the dynamic of mammalian sexuality deems that the female partner will have more ready opportunities to move on to a new mating opportunity than the male, simply by virtue of being the pursued, not the pursuer. So, it's not that you meant nothing to her and that's why she moved on so quickly. It's that her vagina attracts multiple dating options at all times and she typically has higher emotional needs, so the temptation to date locally and physically is much stronger for her.

Edited October 15, 2019 by rjc149

[scooby-philly]

#rjc149

 

I can appreciate what you're saying. Particularly for the OP, and for me who just went through a similar situation with a LDR with a younger woman, it has been good to hear from dozens of people not to get hung up on what I could have done or how things might have been, but to focus on the fact that I didn't do anything "wrong", that I tried the best I could, and that I can feel good moving forward, taking the lessons I have learned and applying them to future potential relationships.

[rjc149]

But, it's also important to understand what you could have done better, and frame it as an opportunity to learn and improve yourself. Were you too available and needy? Or were you too distant and aloof?

 

Being an optimal male partner to a female is a calibration of being emotionally available but still dominant and masculine, and the LDR removes your ability to calibrate yourself dynamically to the needs of the relationship.

[LizardWizard24]

But, it's also important to understand what you could have done better, and frame it as an opportunity to learn and improve yourself. Were you too available and needy? Or were you too distant and aloof?

 

Being an optimal male partner to a female is a calibration of being emotionally available but still dominant and masculine, and the LDR removes your ability to calibrate yourself dynamically to the needs of the relationship.

 

That's something that confuses me with this whole dominant and masculine thing. The other guy was overly clingy to her and always tried his hard to make her being interested, he did his whiny tantrums when she told him no the first time.

 

How is being a whiny kid masculine, dominant or even attractive? I know the distance was the major factor, but like come on haha

 

I never showed a sign of jealousy, I didn't care at all that she was talking to him, cuz I was like "why would she even bother with this wimp?".

 

I don't know, I should have trusted my gut with not getting into an LDR, but she persisted in trying things out... I feel kinda dumb thinking I wasted 3 years on something that wasn't a real relationship.

[scooby-philly]

#rjc149

 

I was probably a bit too needy at times and too flexible. I did not state what I wanted or needed often enough and that prolonged the relationship. If I had been more focused on my needs and also asked her to make more of a commitment, it would have ended a lot sooner then it did.

 

Yes, I can learn and grow from this. But I also tend to blame myself and not think about what my partner could have done - so I try to learn but not wallow in guilt and self-blame. Yes, it's a balancing act as a male - being vulnerable and honest but also being strong and dominant. I guess part of what I could have done better besides recognizing my needs weren't being met and when I did express it, nothing was done, was that I can be too worried about being overly dominant - when in fact I'm not - and that in this relationship, she's been coddled, protected, and had little to no real dating experience coupled with a strong desire to maintain a "Good girl" image and a lack of willingness to address her problems. Again, I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to put her down. I would have gladly waited and worked with her but she's not ready and I can't help if you don't let me in.

 

Time to move on and accept this wasn't meant to be and I hope she becomes the woman she's fully capable of becoming.

[TheFinalWord]

1) She's super young.2) You're not around, physically.

3) Another guy is giving her constant validation.

 

His needy, clingy behavior will eventually cause her to lose attraction. But she doesn't know, what she doesn't know. She has had no experiences but you, and there didn't seem to be any clear end date in mind with your LDR. She must like talking to him and he is probably doting on her. The fact she would talk to him, knowing he is trying to get with her, and she felt something as well, means she cheated emotionally.

 

But, IMHO for an LRD to work, there has to be a clear end date in mind. And usually the relationship had to form conventionally, and the LDR part is a temporary interruption to the relationship. For example, you both were in a relationship for 3 years, you got into grad school out of state. It meant moving to another state for a year to complete. That's an example of an LDR with a chance. But creating a relationship long distance, as others have said, is difficult unless both parties are mature, have great communication, and are committed to making it work. She doesn't have any of that.

[rjc149]

#rjc149

 

I was probably a bit too needy at times and too flexible. I did not state what I wanted or needed often enough and that prolonged the relationship. If I had been more focused on my needs and also asked her to make more of a commitment, it would have ended a lot sooner then it did.

 

I read your previous thread on this -- she was 24 to your 38, correct? That's quite a maturity gap. She's in her mid-20's, in the bloom of youth, transient, out exploring the world and her options. You're more established and ready to settle down, I would imagine. Sounds like you were too afraid of losing her, so she was on a pedestal and this killed her attraction to you.

 

And it's not a delicate balancing act. You must be dominant and masculine, but reward her with some softer, sweeter, warmer elements. This is a very difficult presence to maintain when you're not actually present.

Edited October 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[rjc149]

How is being a whiny kid masculine, dominant or even attractive? I know the distance was the major factor, but like come on haha

 

I never showed a sign of jealousy, I didn't care at all that she was talking to him, cuz I was like "why would she even bother with this wimp?".

 

No matter how attractive you are and unattractive he is, he's there physically, you are not. Fortunately, the failures of an LDR can be conveniently pinned on the distance. And while being dumped is painful LD or not, understanding the perspective of an LDR can make the breakup easier on your ego.

Edited October 15, 2019 by rjc149

[scooby-philly]

I read your previous thread on this -- she was 24 to your 38, correct? That's quite a maturity gap. She's in her mid-20's, in the bloom of youth, transient, out exploring the world and her options. You're more established and ready to settle down, I would imagine. Sounds like you were too afraid of losing her, so she was on a pedestal and this killed her attraction to you.

 

And it's not a delicate balancing act. You must be dominant and masculine, but reward her with some softer, sweeter, warmer elements. This is a very difficult presence to maintain when you're not actually present.

 

Yeah - in retrospect, now that I'm close to 8 weeks out - I can look back and say that we should have ended it months or a year before we did. She lives with her parents who are shaming and controlling and she didn't have any real dating experience and is not comfortable with her personality and doesn't know what she wants. Yes, I should have been maturer and able to see certain things about how I wasn't getting my needs met, how she wasn't ready for a relationship, and how no matter what I tried I couldn't get her to open up fully. I will not blame the failure on just LDR nor will I place blame on myself or on her solely. We both had things we could have tried different, etc. But in the end I started it because she said she wanted what I wanted and I stayed because you are right - I was afraid of losing her - and that's my lesson to learn moving forward - it's not just about personality or even compatibility, it's about who the two people are and where they are in life.

[LizardWizard24]

1) She's super young.2) You're not around, physically.

3) Another guy is giving her constant validation.

 

His needy, clingy behavior will eventually cause her to lose attraction. But she doesn't know, what she doesn't know. She has had no experiences but you, and there didn't seem to be any clear end date in mind with your LDR. She must like talking to him and he is probably doting on her. The fact she would talk to him, knowing he is trying to get with her, and she felt something as well, means she cheated emotionally.

 

Yeah, I knew this was going to happen eventually like there was no way I would end up with a girl so young in the long run, but you get that lil bit of hope too if you know what I mean. Also, to be honest, of all the girls I have dated, I've never met someone who had so much stuff in common with me, it was crazy, so I wanted to enjoy the ride while it lasted.

 

No matter how attractive you are and unattractive he is, he's there physically, you are not. Fortunately, the failures of an LDR can be conveniently pinned on the distance. And while being dumped is painful LD or not, understanding the perspective of an LDR can make the breakup easier on your ego.

 

You are right, I know that if I was there physically, the story would be different and yeah, my ego is hurt, but I know I'll find someone else that will appreciate me more than her, I just want to work on myself first and make sure I am completely over this girl.

 

It is her loss, not mine.

[scooby-philly]

I've never met someone who had so much stuff in common with me, it was crazy, so I wanted to enjoy the ride while it lasted.

 

I know I'll find someone else that will appreciate me more than her

 

It is her loss, not mine.

 

Bolded three things that I think you should focus on, as well as me. It's good you realize why you stayed - that will help you process and understand what you need and want.

 

It's good to recognize your self worth after a breakup. Again, not that you're perfect, but for a lot of good guys it's easy to blame ourselves rather than see things are equal and that both people are responsible for a failed relationship.

 

And that's a good way to look at it. Whether she stays with this local friend for a week, a month, a year, or forever, if she didn't recognize what you bring to the table, if she was more focused on what she didn't have or on missing out on things, then she didn't value your relationship enough. As I said in several threads I've been responding to the past week or so - relationships are about growing together. THere are millions or tens of millions, or even hundreds of millions of people who "overcome" things like long distance, age gaps, religious beliefs, financial/social class differences, etc. and stay happily together forever. But both parties have to work and have to be open emotionally and mature and in touch with themselves. Don't beat yourself up, learn, recognize and accept what you could have done better/different, what your shortcomings are, and also what you need/want in a partner and relationship to grow yourself and be ready for the right person and able to go through the steps to find that person.

[LizardWizard24]

Yeah Scooby, we got this

 

They just weren't the right person for us, life goes on!

[scooby-philly]

@LizardWizard24

 

Totally agree. I'm not going to sit down and abuse myself or blame myself either. Sure, we can all try something different or change things. But in the end, if someone chooses to walk away from a good thing, that's on them.

[TheFinalWord]

Yeah, I knew this was going to happen eventually like there was no way I would end up with a girl so young in the long run, but you get that lil bit of hope too if you know what I mean. Also, to be honest, of all the girls I have dated, I've never met someone who had so much stuff in common with me, it was crazy, so I wanted to enjoy the ride while it lasted.

 

 

We're in the age of feminism bro. Few girls will be around forever like that. There's a saying "she's not yours, it's just your turn." My mom and dad for example, met when they were 15 and 21. But it was normal for people to stick with the same person for life. Now, the opposite is promoted. It's almost impossible to prevent if you have serious game and are in a face to face relationship. Good luck with any other set up.

[LizardWizard24]

Small update:

 

I noticed yesterday that she unliked every single picture I had on instagram, at first I thought that it was due to her blocking me, but the likes should stay even after blocking me.

 

I just find it weird why would someone would go through unliking every single picture (60 posts) 1 month after breaking up.

 

 

Two days later I got a email notification that she left a group conversation on an app that I had unistalled, like why bother haha

 

 

 

I also started texting this girl who pretty much is in the situation as me, we get along well and she is way more mature than my ex. While she seems interested in dating soon, I told her that right now I am not interested in dating someone because I need to work on myself and I don't think is fair for her to go out with me while I still think of my ex sometimes and I don't want to treat her as a rebound.

 

I just hope I am doing the right thing.

[ExpatInItaly]

I also started texting this girl who pretty much is in the situation as me, we get along well and she is way more mature than my ex. While she seems interested in dating soon, I told her that right now I am not interested in dating someone because I need to work on myself and I don't think is fair for her to go out with me while I still think of my ex sometimes and I don't want to treat her as a rebound.

 

I just hope I am doing the right thing.

 

In terms of not dating someone else right now, do you mean? If so, then yes, you're doing the right thing. It wouldn't be fair to yourself or the new girl to even try to date at this time. It won't give you time to really heal and will likely not end well - particularly if this other girl is also on the rebound.

[LizardWizard24]

In terms of not dating someone else right now, do you mean? If so, then yes, you're doing the right thing. It wouldn't be fair to yourself or the new girl to even try to date at this time. It won't give you time to really heal and will likely not end well - particularly if this other girl is also on the rebound.

 

Yeah, I was referring to that.

 

My friends keep encouraging me to go out with this girl and get "distracted"... a quick hook up they say and sure, my instincts tell me to go for it and have so fun, but my logical side tells me that this will make matters worse and I need to man up and heal from my previous relationship.

 

Besides, the other girl seems like a good person and I would feel terrible using her as a rebound, I rather stay friends for a while first.