Loveless

[Desertrose24]

I’m going to try to keep this as short as I can bc there are a lot of details to this whole story but if I wrote the whole thing out it would be a novel. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, we’ve been together for nearly 10 and have one child under the age of 2 together. For quite some time now I’ve been unhappy, but I’m the type of person who can hide it well and not show my emotions.

 

My husband is the type of person who absolutely hates change and of course when something new comes along (ie- getting an apartment, buying a house, having a child etc) , he pretty much crawls up into a fetal position and tells me he’s depressed and can’t handle it. It’s beyond annoying and every time it occurs, I try to be as understanding as I can, but I was raised to have a back bone and to not show signs of weakness so when he has these episodes, I lose all respect for him and attraction. I had a very complicated pregnancy and an even more complicated delivery ( I almost died)...

 

needless to say I needed to have an unplanned C-Section and when I finally came home, had it not been for my mom and mother in law then I would’ve been screwed bc as per usual, my husband, who btw, didn’t spend any nights in the hospital with me during my stay, again couldn’t handle the change of now having an infant around. Now I understand it’s not easy and everyone at some point has a break down or two over it but what matters is that you bounce back and move forward....and should your spouse need you during difficult times such as this, well I’d like to think that they’d have your back. I’m pretty certain I had post partum ( because I suffered from depression in the past),

 

but I’m what the doctors like to call a “functional” depressed individual so I can wake up every day and go about my day wearing a mask and hiding my true feelings and manage to get everything I need to do done. Through this very difficult time in my life, I never fully got to sit down and reflect everything I was feeling bc I was doing the majority of the work in taking care of our new child ( in the beginning). Some women would’ve probably have called it quits with the way my husband behaved, but I stuck around and tried to work on things...something I’ve been doing now for over the last year. Has he gotten better in the baby department? Well now that our child is older, yes, he has.

 

Which is how a lot of men are with kids ( it’s just easier when they’re older for some of them). However I’ve never really fully recovered from everything that happened....on a side note, my husband is a very sensitive person...he’s easily offended and easily upset ( only with me though) especially when I’m not “affectionate enough”, I don’t say “I love you enough” , “ I don’t say hello the minute I walk through the door after a very long and stressful day at work..” etc....

 

I have a very hard time dealing with all of his emotions and constantly ( which I probably shouldn’t), tell him to man up and move on and that I’m the man of the relationship....I guess you can say I’m angry because in my time of need, he wasn’t sensitive towards my needs and now he expects me to be sensitive towards his....he’s even thrown out the “D” word several times bc he says that if I can’t provide him with the love and attention he needs then he can’t stay in this “loveless” relationship....after he says this of course he always turns around the next day and apologizes and tells me how he can’t live without me. Anyways, there’s a lot more to the story and I don’t want you to think he’s a bad guy ( since I’m only sharing the negative aspects right now),

 

he does have a lot of great qualities to him that my friends would die to have in their own relationships...and I understand that every relationship takes a lot of work, especially when that relationship is a marriage. It’s not easy....but now I’m conflicted as to what I should do with my life. To make it worse I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until recently a new guy started at my job (he’s a bit younger than me) and instantly I felt a connection/spark...something I haven’t felt in a very long time and never thought I would ever feel again. He has no idea I feel this way and who’s to even say he feels anything back.

 

He knows I’m married and he knows I have a child and I would never cheat....I’m just not that kind of person. I just feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life. I want what’s best for my child, my feelings come secondary. At the same time though, if things in my marriage continue on the way they have been with the same arguments and the clinginess from my husband (who never gives me the space I tell him I need), then I don’t think that that’s healthy either.

 

Now people can easily say, then if you’re unhappy, leave him. That’s a lot easier said then done when there are so many different components to it. I’m watching my cousin currently go through a very bad divorce and she has two kids with her ex husband....I don’t know if I could mentally/financially handle something like that nor do I know what I would do without the joint incomes we both make, bc let’s face it...NY is very expensive and in order to be out on your own you need to have two incomes coming in.

 

Which is why I keep thinking of my child in all of this. Aside from what I’m feeling, my child comes before me and I will do whatever I feel is necessary to make sure that they are taken care of and happy.

Edited October 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Your husband may have some good qualities, but he is a weak irresponsible guy who can't handle the basics. I have dated a couple of weak guys when younger because I think I expected them to be something they weren't, but I finally learned I have no tolerance for it. It is never just in one aspect. The weakness and inadequacy weaves through everything, and it leaves the partner with too much responsibility and feeling like they're with a child instead of an adult.

 

There is certainly no guarantee you will find another man if you leave him, so if you leave him, do it with the understanding you may be on your own. You may only attract the same type of man again, too.

 

Certainly, a guy who can't handle the basic life events isn't sexy in the least. You've got to decide if you want to take a shot at having a partner who shares responsibility and life changes with you and if you could be alone if it came to that, or if you can stay in this the rest of your life. I mean, he sounds like an utter failure as far as not being willing to face some discomfort to support you and his family through life.

[d0nnivain]

I think you & your husband would benefit from Marriage Counseling. I'm a big believer that marriage vows mean something & that you are obligated to fight to make it work.

 

Here two broken people got together. You knew the others faults & flaws over the 7 years you dated but married anyway. Now you are picking at those problems as a reason to end your marriage.

 

I can understand why you would be resentful over a guy who didn't support you after a difficult labor & delivery. But you know he can't handle change. A baby & then the complications of you almost dying, well yeah, that would be too much for him to take.

 

Him being a sensitive soul doesn't help. He needs to grow a backbone but you may need to work on your compassion & empathy.

 

I'd like to see the two of you work together. You become more loving but he becomes tougher. If you can find that middle ground you might find happiness & peace.

[Desertrose24]

I’ve actually brought up several times the idea of marriage counseling. I told him that I think it would be best for us to sit down and have a 3rd party help to mediate and guide us in the right direction since we keep having the same arguments again and again like a broken record. We say we’re both going to “work on things” and for a little fragment of time things get better, and then it reverts back and we both become the person that neither of us likes. Though I’ve mentioned that marriage counseling would be beneficial for our situation, he has refused to take me up on my offer saying that he doesn’t believe in therapy and that it’s a money making scam. So I feel like I’ve hit a dead end.

[mark clemson]

IF you were to tell him that you're very unhappy and considering separation but would like to try MC, do you think that would change his response? Don't say this unless you're willing to be serious about the separation aspect though, because he may take you up on it.

 

You will need to figure out some way of getting him to address his issues and you both to address the mutual issues in your marriage. Otherwise you're both just going to remain stuck in an unhappy rut until something eventually changes things (presumably for the worse - e.g. a major falling out, fight, infidelity or similar). Seek help for your depression as well.

 

 

He knows I’m married and he knows I have a child and I would never cheat....I’m just not that kind of person. I just feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life.

 

All the regulars around here have heard this before, sometimes in a slightly different form: cheaters who say "I never thought this would be me", "this isn't me", "I hate who I've become" and similar.

 

Strongly suggest you let your marriage stand or fall on it's own merits, without the influence of outside parties. Otherwise you won't be able to see things clearly. Even if not discovered, affairs frequently become MAJOR emotional headaches; if discovered the can sometimes ruin lives.

 

They are often a "garden path" that seem like a reasonable compromise of feeling better while remaining married. However, they have the potential to cause GREAT distress. Don't "move on" without actually ending the marriage (IF that's what has to happen) first.

[schlumpy]

The aura I read from post is that you are done. The only thing that is keeping you in the marriage is financial considerations. The other man making an appearance is like a visit from the Grim Reaper.

 

"He knows I’m married and he knows I have a child and I would never cheat....I’m just not that kind of person."

 

Do you know how many people have said something similar? They failed - what makes you different?

 

To save your marriage things will have to change. Your husbands behavior will have to change and you will have to learn to love him again. You can't do that when your feelings are being transferred to the younger guy at work.

 

Throw in the towel.

[Mr. Lucky]

Here two broken people got together. You knew the others faults & flaws over the 7 years you dated but married anyway.

 

Have to agree.

 

Desertrose24, it seems disingenuous to date your husband for 7 years, fully understand his avoidant nature, and then bring this up as a dealbreaker now, especially after having a child together. You knew he wasn't a man of action (putting it mildly), and yet you married him and started a family.

 

What did you think was going to happen???

 

I'd make an appointment for MC, and then tell him if he really 'can’t live without you', this is his one chance to ensure that happens.

 

I'm guessing he still won't go, so some tough choices most likely ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blind-Sided]

Mr Lucky is absolutely right. You were together for a very long time, and knew exactly who he was. You accepted that, and married him, but now you want him to be different? That's not how life, and people work. Also, since you said you hide your real feelings very well... your H doesn't really know you aren't happy. Sure, you may have said to him once or twice that you were unhappy... but since you are telling us that you really don't want it to end... then YOU need to have a real sit-down with him, and talk about things. Also, make an appointment with a MC (after your talk) and just tell him that you want him to be there if he wants to save the marriage.

 

 

Your story, on some points, sounds like mine. My wife was unhappy, and hid everything about it from me. IF I would find her upset, she would say it was because of her mother. (Most of the time, just hid it) But once she was done, and hit me with it... I asked why didn't she talk with me... her response was "I shouldn't have to". I'm getting that same feeling from you. You are posting here, and not talking with your H on a serious level.

 

 

As far as the other guy... the points above are correct. Most people aren't looking to be the OW/OM. It just happens because they aren't happy. I won't judge on that point... but mentally... it's not helping you want to be with your husband. Right now, I have 2 female friends who are going though this. Both married, and said it would never happen. The first had a PA, and felt guilty... and told her H. I don't know if they will stay married or not. The other was an EA, and she is always unhappy now. She doesn't want to divorce, but her H is boring her, and her "Guy" is fun. She is in the emotional battle now, and it's self inflicted. I've been trying to get her away from her EA, and hang with me and my kids to transition out... but she keeps going to bars, and clubs with him.

 

 

Anyway... I hope you the best with whatever your choice is.

Edited October 12, 2019 by Blind-Sided