tlf9115 Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 I have been seeing a MM for almost 10 years. He will soon be retiring and since we only see each other at work, I’m preparing for this to be over. I am an acquaintance of his wife and we all have actually hung out before. In fact, she did find out about us about 6 years ago and she thinks that the affair has ended. I’m struggling with should I tell her or not tell her about the affair the past few years? Any thoughts are much appreciated. Also, advice on how to get over this 10 year relationship as not only has he been my lover but my best friend. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 I have been seeing a MM for almost 10 years. I am an acquaintance of his wife and we all have actually hung out before. In fact, she did find out about us about 6 years ago and she thinks that the affair has ended. I’m struggling with should I tell her or not tell her about the affair the past few years? I suppose my question would be, what is your purpose in telling her? And why now? After all, you have kept this secret for 10 years... you know the woman and you have spent time with her. What would be your reason for telling her now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 11, 2019 Share Posted October 11, 2019 Give yourself some time to recover BUT also do things that create a new social structure for yourself. Such as new friends, hobbies with other people, regular social events for something that's meaningful to you. Losing this person will not only give you "breakup blues" but IMO may also create a "gap" in your sense of identity. You'll want to create new, meaningful to you, personal interactions to help address the gap/"create" a shift in your identity so the loss is less significant to you. Also distractions such as good books/TV, time in nature, exercise/work outs within your capabilities - ask a doctor first, other interests. Eventually the sensible thing will be to find a new partner (who you can fully have) as well. Many would say you should tell his wife, and they have a point. An alternate point of view is that you've been with him for so long, and presumably telling her will cause problems for him that wouldn't otherwise exist (some might disagree with me on that). So, wouldn't this be stabbing your "best friend" in the back now that you're done with him? (Not that he hasn't been stabbing his wife in the back by seeing you.) Why is her well-being so important to you now that you are "done"? I guess you'll have to decide what's best in your view of the situation as well as what you can bear. If you didn't want to have to live with a guilty conscience, you should have stopped after D-day 1. Link to post Share on other sites
Hrgirl915 Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 (edited) 10 years is a long time. Time will heal although it will feel like eternity. Mark’s advice is spot on. As for telling his wife, ask yourself why now? Soul search for your true reason. At the core you may just be hoping if she finds out he will come to you. After all this time, that may not happen and if it does, do you want to be plan B? You deserve that he would have loved you enough to be honest with his wife long ago and made your relationship honest. Instead he kept you a dark secret for 10 years. Anyways, I don’t know what’s right or wrong. It’s a lot for you to think about. Don’t do anything impulsive. Relationships are complex. So many emotions. My heart goes out to you.... Edited October 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 (edited) I'm all for disclosure but if you do it make sure you're respectful and not spiteful. I have to say if you are doing it so she throws him out the chances are he will still try to repair his marriage. Edited October 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eastdean Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 Has he officially ended things with you? If not, why does his retiring have to end the A? Is the ending an amicable parting? If so, why blow up his life by exposing him to his W? Let it go, walk away, please. Link to post Share on other sites
Mara1573 Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 I’m sorry you’re going through this. 10 years is a long time. I think it’s time you focus on yourself and go NC with MM. It’s always easier said than done, I know. I’ve been with my MM for 5 months and I know it’s time for me end things with him as well but it’s difficult as he was my friend before the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted November 29, 2019 Share Posted November 29, 2019 10 years with a married man has to have surely done a job on your psyche/self esteem. I pray that you break all ties with this selfish person who cares about no-one but himself. Link to post Share on other sites
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