I think I'm a psychopath.

[LPmscb]

Or at least on some scale. I'm female in my 30's. Trigger Warning for the sensitive I guess.

 

Childhood: my father definitely has psychopathic traits. There's too many things he's done to go into and also specific examples would be outing if any family happens to be on here. But a few examples: he led double lives all the time, constantly cheating on my mother. He had one (that we know of) outside baby, born within a few months as my older sister. He was mentally, physically abusive to my mother who is co dependant. They finally broke up when I was still pretty young. I also have a lot of blanks in my childhood. I remember a few scary incidents from my father to me, I remember a few emotionally abusive incidents towards me, but not much.

 

After my father my mother had a few fairly long term relationships with emotionally abusive men. I would see how they manipulated her, how she was played for a fool and how they would in some ways come before me. My mother is good person and I now believe she did the best she could with what she knew at the time. She had an abusive childhood herself. But back when I was an older kid/teen/20's I didn't see it that way and was very bitter towards her. We would both say mean things to each other at times. One of her boyfriend's molested me as a preteen and young teen.

 

My first proper boyfriend I met when 16. I was very jealous and controlling. I needed to be talking to him all the time. I had rules like don't watch this don't watch that. I was verbally abusive at times, but mostly I just didn't want him to do anything involving other women. He ended up totally ghosting me after a couple of years. I tried to get in contact with him a few months ago after all these years and he got his friends to msg me after he blocked me. She said he has PTSD from me and never wants to talk to me again. Ok. I said sorry anyway.

 

Then after that I had two boyfriend's who were very abusive. I had every intention to be in a real and non abusive relationship with them. The one I ended up being with for years was very emotionally and physically abusive and in that situation I actually was genuinely a victim funnily enough. since him I've focused more on women (I'm bisexual)

 

I Catfished a few women online pretending to be a man. One was short lived and I wasn't even abusive to her. The second I did it for several months. I was verbally and emotionally abusive to her. I ended up telling her the truth and then blocking her. I found it fun. Another was short lived and she found out the truth herself, she was more clever. The last is kinda ongoing. She still thinks I'm a man who is married with children and so in love with her, I've done bad things to her emotionally. I pretended to be seriously thinking about leaving my "wife" and then said I can't do it. No we talk a lot less but when we get in touch once in a while, she tells me she's still grieving not being with "me" Ive been verbally abusive to her also.

 

There's a woman I'm currently talking to, it's only been a month. But I've already been controlling and verbally abusive to her. She lives a bit of a distance away so we haven't met yet. She does know my name and what I look like. I have lied about a job (don't have one) evey day. I've also lied about having certain talents and hobbies, cause I know they sound hot and she likes it. I totally called her out of her name for like over a few days. At first she told me it was over etc. then after the second day of me apologising to her she came closer to me again. She initiated dirty talk on the phone after all that and mushy in my hands. When she told me she had been crying over the things I said to her i automatically smirked. she even used the word abusive, yet she stays around. I've been feeling proud for the fact she's came back to me. Right now and for the last couple days, I'm being very nice to her, cause I know she was close to leaving and I showed her me too early. But I'm already fantasising about cussing her out or emotionally hurting her in some way. Cause she often annoys me and doesn't do what I say enough for my liking.

 

Empathy: I wouldn't say I'm totally void. But I'm definitely lacking obviously. i have flashes of remorse, but they are short lived and I can always find reasons why I do the things I do and others always fail me by being imperfect. I find the majority of people stupid, annoying, shallow, below me and just ugh. I have very select people I say I love, but the truth is I'm not sure how capable of love I am? I care about those select people, but at the same time my needs would still come before them ,90% of the time. I admire a few people, like my favourite band. The musicians I admire actually seem like really good guys, i admire their talent and beauty. But i have a feeling if I knew them in real life and experienced their imperfection it'd be different story.

 

Mostly I'm either numb or annoyed or anxious. I get anxious and obsessive if I'm talking/with someone. I snoop what they are up to cause I feel I should be the most important thing in their life (where this current woman is going wrong so far) I get attached on that level, but it's still all about me. I have a dog who I treat very well, I'm vegetarian cause I don't agree with eating animals. I'm against animal and children abuse. They matter more than adults to me.

 

Sexually I only really get off if I'm being dominated (by a male) or dominating (a female) i find other regular sex boring and pointless. If I ever have regular sex, I'm fantasising about Sub/Dom. Other than consented sex, I have no desire to physically hurt anyone. It's just emotional pain and control I'm interested in. I think about suicide a lot. a little bit cause I know intellectually I'm a waste of space. A lot cause I find life stupid and pointless. And a lot cause I know people will care about it for a while. I imagine the aftermath and impact. I'm not actively suicidal but it's a subject that I fantasise.

 

I'm curious if I sound like one to anyone reading this and why I should care?

Edited October 12, 2019 by LPmscb

[amaysngrace]

Is this an attempt to get people to a place of vulnerability by giving of themselves just so you can treat them badly for your own entertainment?

[LPmscb]

Is this an attempt to get people to a place of vulnerability by giving of themselves just so you can treat them badly for your own entertainment?

 

Do you mean this thread or my actions in general?

[preraph]

One of the main signs between being a psychopath and sociopath is a psychopath tends to get in trouble with the law, while a sociopath may blend in more. A psychopath may not ever feel any remorse. A psychopath knows what they are doing is wrong and doesn't care. A sociopath may have remorse only when it comes to people or pets they are bonded with.

 

And one thing that stands out clearly is a psychopath has no fear. No fear. That's one of the most telling traits.

 

You had a very bad role model or two. People either rebel against that type thing or they continue the cycle of abuse. If your childhood was really bad, like you felt no love, you were taught no empathy, you were neglected or abused, that certainly is how sociopaths are grown (psychopaths too). Empathy is key. It's something parents are supposed to teach you either directly or by modeling empathy in front of you consistently. If some other relative was kind to you and influenced you, you might also pick up empathy from them.

 

Both psychopaths and sociopaths manipulate. Not all sociopaths are violent, thank goodness, since it's estimated that 1 out of 100 people is a sociopath. Some are ruthless in other ways, such as being a CEO of a cutthroat company. Psychopaths are not as likely to be able to live a normal life and not end up in trouble, but it's not impossible.

 

I would think your best bet would, of course, be to start therapy and see if you can at least sort out some things. Not sure you can change. But getting some insight into yourself might at least bring you some peace. Good luck.

[amaysngrace]

Do you mean this thread or my actions in general?

 

I mean this thread. You’ve admitted you reach out to unsuspecting people, lie to them and then abuse them for your own entertainment.

 

I was wondering if that’s your intent here as well.

[RecentChange]

To me, you simply sound like an abuse victim that is doing nothing more than perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

 

Most abusers aren’t born with broken brains, they are born to broken homes.

 

You probably aren’t currently capable of true love, because it’s doubtful that you love yourself. Most abuse victims have serious disconnects in that area.

 

You weren’t raised with proper love and security - so you are acting out your own pains and inflicting them upon others.

 

Certainly not something to be proud of.

 

In my mind you could either take the difficult path of addressing the internal issues that abuse during your formative years created, or take the easy road and burry it away by abusing others.

 

Bringing pain to those around you might bring you a smirk, but I am just about certain your life is devoid of true joy, or deep feelings of love.

 

It all sounds shallow and somewhat miserable to me - but perhaps you have convinced yourself you enjoy it - like the abusers who hurt you did (hint, they weren’t happy people either, that’s why they abused you).

Edited October 12, 2019 by RecentChange

[LPmscb]

Preraph: interesting. I've never been I trouble with law, I mostly blend in although I'm seen as anti social/introverted or even shy. I'm just disinterested unless I can get something I want or I see someone as admirable, which is rare. I don't think I feel much fear. I maybe feel some fear when I think someone is going to leave for good. I don't want them to leave if I'm not done. Anything else? Not really. I mean I'd rather not have the physical pain of being killed with an axe for instance but...I don't even think that's fear either.

 

Amaysngrace: Nah. Most of the time they initiate with me. But either way that's not my intention here.

[RecentChange]

Just adding, the people you abuse, you probably aren’t the first one to abuse them. I would put money on that.

 

Just like how your mother was abused, and then continued to invite abusive people into her life. It’s a pattern.

 

Mentally healthy, secure people who love themselves would have told you to take a hike as soon as you started your antics.

 

But they are broken people like you, so they come back for more when you hurt them. The abusers and victims find each other. Healthy people don’t treat each other these ways nor tolerate it for a moment.

[mark clemson]

You may indeed be on the spectrum, and there may be a genetic component, but I also suspect a good portion of this you learned from examples, esp. family of origin (FOO) ie your mom and dad. Probably the others later on as well.

 

Agree about the cycle of it and you're "winning" by hurting others and reliving your experiences except as the abuser to "correct" things.

 

I like D/s, among other things, but was never abused. I'm pretty sure there's a genetic component to those "interests". Consent is extremely important to me. Possibly you have that AND the whole learned cycle of abuse thing going.

 

If you wish to change this stuff, you almost certainly need a pro who genuinely specializes in this kind of thing.

[GorillaTheater]

Psychopath or sociopath, I'm no shrink so what the hell do I know.

 

Are you a goddamn menace that should be sterilized for the sake of our gene pool?

 

Maybe.

[Foxhall]

all this type of thing fascinates me,

 

I guess we all need to feel a sense of worth and purpose and a sense that we are great, we are achievers to some degree,

as you outline you have a pretty unorthodox way of finding your sense of purpose,

 

one day you may need someone , to feel loved by someone and you may regret then being cold to others when you were in your prime,

 

you mention our previous abusive history, but that can be too easy an excuse also, we are responsible for own actions, we cannot attribute our actions exclusively to the examples we were given by our parents and so on,

the capacity is in you to rise above all that.

 

you may have reached a point that you are realising now that your actions towards some of these online women was wrong,

you dont feel any real remorse yet but you are beginning too,

 

you will become happier if you can get to the point of abandoning these fantasies and start finding stimulants from the real world,

 

I think you are a good person at heart and can turn things around

[LPmscb]

Just adding, the people you abuse, you probably aren’t the first one to abuse them. I would put money on that.

 

I always know their pasts. They are quick to open up to me as they see me as a victim (I will admit to them i was abused in the past and I guess to them I present as someone with depression) most of them had some kinda past trauma yes. The woman who thinks I'm married doesn't appear to have. She tells me she has a great family and upbringing. So what her deal is and why she would stick around for over a year I have no idea. Who would believe someone is who they say they are for this long? I always have excuse why I can't see her or call her. She fascinate me on some level how stupid she is. She's very beautiful physically from her pics. But that situation is getting very boring, we don't talk much now and she can't offer me much. I only go to her when I'm getting nothing from anyone else. The current woman must know somewhere inside what I am. She said I was abusive to her, but she seems to have forgotten all about it. She used the word gaslighting too. She's stupid in many ways but I think she know what I am and is being willingly ignorant for some reason. She had an abusive ex and some childhood issues.

 

Are you a goddamn menace that should be sterilized for the sake of our gene pool? Maybe.

 

Personally, I think everyone should stop having children. Let mankind die out.

 

you mention our previous abusive history, but that can be too easy an excuse also, we are responsible for own actions, we cannot attribute our actions exclusively to the examples we were given by our parents and so on,

the capacity is in you to rise above all that.

 

you may have reached a point that you are realising now that your actions towards some of these online women was wrong,

you dont feel any real remorse yet but you are beginning too,

 

I don't think my history has much to do with it. My siblings are older than me and are empathic people. They have their insecurities and you never know what's going on behind closed doors, but they seem to be happily married. Maybe it's a genetic thing and I'm the one who got that deal. I know my actions are seen as wrong to society. But society do other messed up things, so why should I care? The people who stick around me are getting something out of it. If they wasn't they would just leave. I'm interested in why I should be the "better person" and stop when they are asking for it? If the remorse ever stays longer than a few minutes then maybe I'll stop, but it doesn't.

[chillii]

But why did you bring it to a forum like this , if you really wanna know what you are you should be in a real mental health forum that has qualified people in it and they are around , or seeing a shrink .

[elaine567]

My guess you are punishing these "stupid, foolish, gullible" woman as you are still so angry with your "stupid, foolish, gullible" mother for introducing all these abusive men into your life including the man who sexually abused you.

 

If you are not receiving professional help, then go seek it out is my advice

[preraph]

Preraph: interesting. I've never been I trouble with law, I mostly blend in although I'm seen as anti social/introverted or even shy. I'm just disinterested unless I can get something I want or I see someone as admirable, which is rare. I don't think I feel much fear. I maybe feel some fear when I think someone is going to leave for good. I don't want them to leave if I'm not done. Anything else? Not really. I mean I'd rather not have the physical pain of being killed with an axe for instance but...I don't even think that's fear either.

 

Amaysngrace: Nah. Most of the time they initiate with me. But either way that's not my intention here.

 

Talking about no fear with psychopaths, I'm talking about if they do something bad, they have no fear they'll get caught. They often think they're too smart to get caught and they're not afraid of doing bad things.

 

Do you ever feel sorry for others, or only for yourself?

Edited October 12, 2019 by preraph

[alphamale]

you need to see a good psychiatrist

[preraph]

 

I don't think my history has much to do with it. My siblings are older than me and are empathic people.

 

Just so you know, it's quite common for one sibling to get a load of trauma another didn't get and turn out different because it's different points in time, different events. For example, my sister doesn't seem traumatized by our childhood (nothing extreme but dysfunctional and rageful), but I was. That's because she was out of the house by the time the worst of it started because she's seven years older. Oddly, she has far less empathy than I do, nonetheless. I rebelled against what was going on rather than taking most of it inward.

 

Your history has everything to do with it, unless you have a brain tumor or something. A brain scan will eliminate that. It can be family trauma or other trauma.

[preraph]

Do you act naturally, or do you learn how you "should" act by watching other people and just imitating it?

[schlumpy]

Do you want to change? You appear to think highly of yourself and have contempt for most of the people you meet. Do you recognize you are doing anything wrong?

 

I think at this moment are pretty happy with who you are and you are on this forum for validation rather then asking for real advice. You are very intelligent and that is a dangerous combination when merged with emotional damage.

 

You could go through years of therapy and not end up any better then what you are today in an effort to make you "normal." I doubt normal would suffice for you - too boring.

 

There is one approach you could take that would benefit you. You could adopt a code of honor and try your best to stay within it's boundaries.

 

There are lots of codes of honor that cover a range of human interaction and they are not just for the military. They are rules on how to live life and treat other people that minimize the emotional component of your personality.

 

As an example I would open the door for someone I disliked as well as for someone I liked. It's just something I do. I feel it's an honorable thing and socially enabling. My emotions towards that person play no role.

 

The idea is to limit the input your emotions have in controlling your actions. Emotions should only be modifiers to rational decisions except perhaps in emergencies.

[preraph]

She should do therapy just to understand how everything in her early life affected her and possibly for some behavior modification -- but no one has been successful in rehabbing sociopaths or psychopaths. The empathy factor is missing and it's hard-wired that way since childhood. You can't put it back. But it would help to just understand why the people she grew up with are how they are and how it affected her and maybe take the edge off some of the bad feelings at least. Give her a place to vent so maybe she doesn't act out. Make her understand why she wants to manipulate or sometimes be mean, etc.