Still hurt from the break-up, how to move forward? **Updated**

[miss2017]

I have posted here before about me and this guy and how toxic our on-off relationship was.

 

He was very insecure and needy and we broke up a few times until a few months ago where we broke up and didn't see or talked to each other for weeks.

 

We then reconnected, got back together and he asked me to marry him and gave me an engagement ring. We decided to start living together and start a life together.

 

He was trying to make everything perfect, doing and saying the right things all the time and wanting to be together all the time.

 

I got sick with a bacterial infection when we went away on holidays and I was exhausted by the time we came back. I also have my son with me full-time (before he went back to school) and was resenting not having time alone for myself to recharge.

 

I got to a point where I hit rock bottom in regards to my energy levels and I was really exhausted. I stopped giving him all the attention he likes because I just couldn't do it and I could feel he starting to feel resentful.

 

Then the next day I asked if he could go sleep one night back in his flat (he was still staying there a few times when he had his daughter visiting him, so I thought it would be ok to ask that), so I could have some much needed alone time after my son goes to bed, and he basically took it the wrong way, like I was rejecting him and maybe going to break up, and he got angry.

 

Even when I tried to explain it has nothing to do with him, but I just want to be with myself. He said that is weird and that he needs lots of attention.

 

So basically we had an argument and he broke up with me on the spot, took all his stuff from my house and left me.

 

I was in shock with his, because naively I thought things would be different between us this time. I couldn't believe that one moment I was engaged and we were talking about buying a house together and the next moment I'm alone, all because of an argument.

 

When he was taking his stuff from my house, he said out loud he knows I'm not going to forgive him for what he was doing. So why did he do it then???

 

We talked a few days later, I told him I was very hurt and there's no coming back this time. He said sorry and that he wants to stay friends, but I said to him he lost all of that when he took all his stuff and shut the door of my house behind him, leaving me alone.

 

So this was over a month ago, at the beginning of September, and I still feel hurt and shaken emotionally.

 

I know that deep down this was a blessing, that he is toxic and I'm better off without him, but I'm still having trouble understanding how can someone say I love you, ask you to marry, gave you an engagement ring, planning a future together, and then breaks up with you just like that, like all that happened before meant nothing? Someone mentioned he might have BPD, I don't know, it could be that yes.

 

It made me feel like I "failed" in behaving the way he wanted to, so the consequence was leaving me. Like he was being all perfect, doing and saying all the right things, and I was being real and saying out loud what I feel and want and not focusing on pleasing him, like how dare you?

 

I don't want to get back together ever again, but am still hurt and don't know why. I guess this hurt me more deeply than I thought.

 

 

I am on a dating app talking to other guys just trying to move on.

 

Any advice or tips to move forward? Thank you!

Edited January 5, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Soak]

Any advice or tips to move forward? Thank you!

 

Well, the back and forth has taught you that this r/ship will not work. If you take him back now, the narcissistic abuse will get worse and the breakups always seem worse the further you go on.

 

My advice is to go through the process (look up the stages of grief etc), the loneliness, the sadness, the anger and yes, you may feel empty at times. These feelings will fluctuate, but that is normal. But you should also go NC and cut him out of your life until you are healed. The reason you're doing this is to save yourself any cognitive confusion (which you don't need right now).

 

There is no getting over pain, you just have to go through it, sorry to say. Many here will probably say the same thing.

 

I'm not really pro dating apps during this phase as you may end up hurting somebody (using somebody else to feel better is not good in my books).

 

So in sum, experience the emotions as they come up. Have a chat with a trusted friend or two, and in time you will regain yourself and start a new life. Right now, you are in the processing phase and if this is done properly, you will let go. Completely.

[d0nnivain]

You two were together for a while & you were engaged. You had plans for a future. It's good that intellectually you understand that his toxicity means you are better off apart but the change itself & being back to being alone still hurts.

 

In part it's time but there are some steps.

 

1. It's OK to grieve. You lost something. Cry. Let it out. That catharsis is cleansing.

 

2. Purge. Get rid of the mementos. If you can't throw the trinkets away, box them up & bury that box in a deep closet / attic. This includes photos. Save them to a thumb drive & put that in the box.

 

3. Move. Go for a walk. Clean. Join a gym. Just get off your couch.

 

4. Rely on supportive understanding family & friends.

 

5. Throw yourself into work or a hobby to take your mind off the pain.

 

6. Rearrange your space. Move some furniture. Buy new sheets. Just make it so everything about your home doesn't remind you of him.

[miss2017]

My advice is to go through the process (look up the stages of grief etc), the loneliness, the sadness, the anger and yes, you may feel empty at times. These feelings will fluctuate, but that is normal. But you should also go NC and cut him out of your life until you are healed. The reason you're doing this is to save yourself any cognitive confusion (which you don't need right now).

 

Thank you! Yes I deleted his number from my phone a few weeks ago. He still sent me a message saying he understands I deleted his number (because he stopped seeing me on WhatsApp), and saying for me to not delete his number completely in case I need some help for anything, but I didn't even reply.

 

Going no contact helps me and my brain understand it's really over and I have to move on. Thank you.

Edited October 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[miss2017]

@d0nnivain Thank you! Yes the change itself and going back to being alone still hurts because it was all of a sudden. The day before we were making plans to buy a house together, and I had an engagement ring on my finger, the next day he leaves me.

 

It's hard to understand this, because I have a different nature. To me being in a relationship is about understanding the other and solving things together.

 

After that argument to me it was just the case of both of us have some time alone apart to calm down, and then next day come back together and talk things out, just that. I don't break up with someone I love like that because of an argument, and I don't understand how someone can do that, but I have to accept that's who he is.

 

1. Yes I have been crying.

2. I threw everything away already, including the engagement ring.

3. Yes I have been doing that: walks around nature, gym, etc

4. I do have supportive friends and family

5. I moved house already.

Edited October 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Soak]

and saying for me to not delete his number completely in case I need some help for anything, but I didn't even reply.

 

That message was more about him needing you, not you needing him! The cheek Do not be fooled.

 

He will likely contact you again, and for this you will need to stay strong. Take it from me, do not give him an "in" (any response at all). You may be feeling confident, relaxed or a bit better and will not see the harm in it. Going NC means not accepting any charm, bargaining or begging from them at all.

[miss2017]

That message was more about him needing you, not you needing him! The cheek Do not be fooled.

 

He will likely contact you again, and for this you will need to stay strong. Take it from me, do not give him an "in" (any response at all). You may be feeling confident, relaxed or a bit better and will not see the harm in it. Going NC means not accepting any charm, bargaining or begging from them at all.

 

Thank you! You are very right, that was about him needing to stay in contact in case I might accept him back again in the future. But he makes it sound like he is being such a nice person, worried if I need any help! lol

 

I have zero interest in responding to any contact he makes in the future. I have seen his true colours the day he took all his stuff and left my house breaking up with me.

 

It hurt me deeply what he did, in a way that I don't want to see him or talk to him again in this lifetime. It also made me more careful in knowing someone really well over time before I even invite them into my house.

[miss2017]

I have posted here before about what happened between me and this guy and how hurt I still am.

 

Basically he asked me to marry him, gave me an engagement ring, wanted to build a future together, etc, and then broke up with me and left me because of an argument and because things weren't like he wanted.

 

I felt like he is a big liar and just faked everything. And I am still hurt.

 

I cut contact with him completely and deleted his number.

 

But somehow I saw a profile of a girl on my Facebook (when FB recommends people to be friends with), and her profile photo was the photo of herself with him! I just couldn't believe it!

 

I opened her profile and saw that they started a relationship some days ago, and he was commenting her photos saying things he used to say to me (like he is the luckiest man alive and etc). Just ridiculous!

 

Months ago when we broke up before he did the same, he started a relationship soon after we broke up with another woman and said the same things to her.

 

Now he's at it again.

 

I mean, it's none of my business what he does, but I am still so hurt from what happened and what he did, and he is all happy giving the same bulls*** to another woman!

 

I felt like commenting her photos and telling her who he really is! I know I shouldn't do that and I should just move forward but I am so angry to see this and someone has to stop this serial stupidity of this person!

 

Can you please advise? Thank you!

[Art_Critic]

no way.. it will only make you look bad not him.. it will also make you look bitter...

 

Time to move on, let them go...

[Beendaredonedat]

I know I shouldn't do that

Then what is the question other than that one? If you 'know' you shouldn't do something then the natural progression is to NOT do it.

 

Your job in life is not to worry about other women (she won't believe you anyway) but rather to look after and worry about yourself and why you haven't gotten over his "bull***t" quite yet.

 

You guys broke up before he asked you to marry him. When you took him back how long were you apart. What exactly, if anything did either of you do to correct the problems that caused you to break up in the first place?

 

Worry about you, how you can be the best you that you can be, change all thoughts of him when he pops into your mind and block and delete him from all of your social media so you're not getting notifications about him or anything about him which clearly trigger you to want to do things "you know you shouldn't do."

 

I hope you feel better soon and you will if you vanish him from your life in all ways.

[d0nnivain]

Don't comment on her photos. Take what you have now learned -- that his words are empty -- and use that knowledge to propel yourself forward, over him.

[preraph]

I think it just took this long to find out he's not the right guy for you. You know, you don't really know who someone is until things aren't going well and/or they are not getting their way.

 

I mean, him saying he needs a lot of attention -- you're who needs some attention, but not anything he is willing to provide. You need a nurse or someone to help take care of your duties right now so you can feel better. If he were the right guy, he would be THAT person instead of being the whiny baby because you're not up to carrying on right now.

 

I just think you need to realize he's not someone to grow old with or basically divurge from what he wants to do and how he wants to do it.

 

I hope you get your strength back soon. Please ask for help from someone close to you so you can get some rest.

[miss2017]

I think it just took this long to find out he's not the right guy for you. You know, you don't really know who someone is until things aren't going well and/or they are not getting their way.

 

I mean, him saying he needs a lot of attention -- you're who needs some attention, but not anything he is willing to provide. You need a nurse or someone to help take care of your duties right now so you can feel better. If he were the right guy, he would be THAT person instead of being the whiny baby because you're not up to carrying on right now.

 

I just think you need to realize he's not someone to grow old with or basically divurge from what he wants to do and how he wants to do it.

 

I hope you get your strength back soon. Please ask for help from someone close to you so you can get some rest.

 

Thank you! Yes I guess it took me to hit rock bottom with being sick and putting myself first to really know who he is and see he's no good for me.

 

Someone who cares about me would see how I was feeling and would want to help me. He made me feel like I'm his mom and he is a small toddler who needs attention regardless and is doing a tantrum because he's not getting it. Not even my son who is a child behaves like that!

 

I moved in with my mom for a while and she's been helping me. I feel I still need some time to rest and recharge. But I'm glad he's out of my life now, and I guess his karma is continuing to be the same and do the same in that karmic loop.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he has something like BPD, because it's weird someone who has no empathy and continues to do the same to others without any conciousness.

Edited October 21, 2019 by miss2017

[miss2017]

Hi guys, I just wanted to write an update on this because of what I knew today about this guy which definitely helps me move on.

So this guy when I met him I was feeling very vulnerable and lonely and he came with all of his love bombing ways which made me feel loved and cared for, although I found it weird that after only a month he proposed to me with an engagement ring and wanted to live together. I saw that as a red flag and all sorts of problems started until the end.

So we ended 3 months ago, and I just found out that just a month after we ended he started a relationship with a new woman, after a month they started living together and after another month he proposed to her with an engagement ring! 😂 This guy definitely has a pattern and some sort of mental issue because this is not normal.

The woman he's with is in for a ride too once he shows his true colours.

I saw the photo of the ring on Facebook and her words: "Finally I am loved unconditionally" made me cringe all over and understand better what happened to me when I met him.

I was vulnerable, lonely and wasn't loving myself the way I should. So I thought all the love bombing from him was the true love I always wanted. It was a HUGE lesson to me on how I have to love myself and be whole and strong so I don't fall for this s*** ever again!

I'm relieved I'm out of that dynamic for good and can clearly see it for what it is now, and also it scares me how toxic that all is and how I was involved in it for many months.

Anyway, I already blocked all of them on Facebook and don't want to know anything else about it. Moving on and dating new guys! 

Thank you for everyone that helped me in there with this situation! 🙂

Edited December 29, 2019 by miss2017

[wtm78]

On 10/13/2019 at 2:52 AM, miss2017 said:

 

I am on a dating app talking to other guys just trying to move on.

 

Any advice or tips to move forward? Thank you!

Do a 100 day no contact, re-evaluate your life. Learn to be comfortable with yourself during this time

[miss2017]

7 hours ago, wtm78 said:

Do a 100 day no contact, re-evaluate your life. Learn to be comfortable with yourself during this time

Thank you, but I think you need to read the update on my previous post.

[miss2017]

I've already posted here about me and this guy and our on-off relationship. After a few break-ups in the past year, we got back together in the summer and he proposed to me and gave me an engagement ring. We were also planning to live together and even buy a house together. We then had an argument and he decided to break up instead of solving things. 

It hurt me a lot at the time when he did this because I didn't want to break up, and he just got all of his stuff from my house in the middle of the argument and left and I never saw him again. We texted briefly after this but then I decided to delete his contact because I was in real pain after what he did. I was engaged one morning and alone by the afternoon.

So I've decided to move on and heal from this, but then found out that after only 1 month after we broke up he was already in a relationship with a new woman, and after 2 months they were living together and he proposed to her with an engagement ring...

I just don't know what to think of this. It makes me question not just everything he said and did, but also his mental health. No one who is normal have this kind of behaviour! I just feel stupid for having believed him and now I just feel like I was probably one more in a string of women he probably proposed and said all beautiful things to.

I feel hurt again having found out about this, and trying to understand what happened. Any advice? Thank you.

[d0nnivain]

Thank your lucky stars that he's her problem now.  

Moving in & getting engaged over the holidays is insane.  You are right to question his mental health.  

Just be glad he's gone.  Once you have healed, your life is open to meet a better more compatible person.  

[miss2017]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Thank your lucky stars that he's her problem now.  

Moving in & getting engaged over the holidays is insane.  You are right to question his mental health.  

Just be glad he's gone.  Once you have healed, your life is open to meet a better more compatible person.  

Thank you. 

Yes I'm glad he is gone. I'm just having a hard time thinking how and why I fell for that. 

The truth is I still feel hurt and I don't like it because I want to move on and meet someone new and compatible. How can I speed up the process?

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately you can't speed up the process of healing & getting over it but you can do things to minimize the impact.  Keep busy.  Exercise.  Surround yourself with supportive friends & family.  Shake something up in your life -- get a new haircut, take up a new hobby, go away for a weekend if that is in the budget.   Rebuild miss2017; figure out who she is & what she wants.  Then go get it!

[miss2017]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Unfortunately you can't speed up the process of healing & getting over it but you can do things to minimize the impact.  Keep busy.  Exercise.  Surround yourself with supportive friends & family.  Shake something up in your life -- get a new haircut, take up a new hobby, go away for a weekend if that is in the budget.   Rebuild miss2017; figure out who she is & what she wants.  Then go get it!

I am doing that exactly! I went for weekends away, am losing weight and getting really fit, am starting a new exciting business and even got a new puppy dog! I am enjoying my life and being true to myself, but is just this part of me that is still hurt. 

I tried to do online dating but felt I was too scared and bitter to do it properly and meeting guys who weren't a match was just making me feel lonely. Maybe if I just stop trying to heal is the way to heal.

Edited January 5, 2020 by miss2017

[d0nnivain]

Think of your broken heart like a cut on your arm.  At first it was deep, acutely painful & bleeding.  You stop the blood, bandage it & keep it clean & dry while it heals over time.  You are going to be hurt for as long as you are going to be hurt but you are doing the right things to heal the wound.  You finding out about his engagement was like you bumping the wound, re-opening the scab & causing a little more blood to trickle out.  It was a set back but not an insurmountable one.  

Hang in there & don't do OLD for a while.  OLD will rip your heart out for sure. 

[miss2017]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Think of your broken heart like a cut on your arm.  At first it was deep, acutely painful & bleeding.  You stop the blood, bandage it & keep it clean & dry while it heals over time.  You are going to be hurt for as long as you are going to be hurt but you are doing the right things to heal the wound.  You finding out about his engagement was like you bumping the wound, re-opening the scab & causing a little more blood to trickle out.  It was a set back but not an insurmountable one.  

Hang in there & don't do OLD for a while.  OLD will rip your heart out for sure. 

What's OLD? Online dating?

[d0nnivain]

Yes, OLD is on line dating but it's generic & includes apps like Tinder & Bumble.  

[miss2017]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Yes, OLD is on line dating but it's generic & includes apps like Tinder & Bumble.  

Yes those are exactly the apps I was using. I found it easy to do matches and talk to guys, and even had some nice conversations but then went on a few coffee dates and didn't hear anything back from them afterwards, and others there just wasn't any compatibility, and all of that is just heartbreaking. 

I feel that if I was healed I would just think "fu** it, next", but the way I am still hurting it just makes it hurt more because it makes me feel lonely, so I guess I m stopping the online dating for a while and try to meet people in real life instead.

Edited January 5, 2020 by miss2017