Still hurt from the break-up, how to move forward? **Updated**

[d0nnivain]

Exactly.   You aren't strong enough right now.  

IMO you should lay off dating completely until at least after Valentine's Day.  Start planning a great day with your single BFFs now.  It will be tougher because V-day is on  Friday.  You don't want to be home feeling sorry for yourself all weekend.  

[miss2017]

13 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Exactly.   You aren't strong enough right now.  

IMO you should lay off dating completely until at least after Valentine's Day.  Start planning a great day with your single BFFs now.  It will be tougher because V-day is on  Friday.  You don't want to be home feeling sorry for yourself all weekend.  

I haven't even thought about Valentine's Day. Yes I'll figure something out.

I feel I am healing, and leaving the fear and bitterness behind, but I'm not quite there yet at the place where I should feel excited to date again. Need to get to that place so I can date with a positive attitude and feeling strong.

Thank you!

Edited January 6, 2020 by miss2017

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

As to your comment about "why you fell for him" - that may be a key discovery for you to make in your recovery and while you're single right now. Falling for him doesn't make you a bad person, or stupid, or any other negative adjective. We all want to be loved, held, f***ed, and understood to some extant or another. But the reality is that our lives, our experiences, and the people we meet along the way shape our human feelings a certain way. Perhaps you're very affectionate and before his love bombing had never been with someone affectionate. Just using that as an example. Moving forward, learning what you want and need but also what you lacked and longed for from childhood till now can help you make better decisions.  While this guy sounds like a crazy ex of mine, his love bombing reminds me of my most recent ex - I fell for her cuteness and her affection in the beginning and mistook it for her real personality and as maturity. In fact, she was immature, inexperienced, completely uncomfortable with her self, and had low self-esteem. In retrospect, I can't beat myself up for falling in love with her but only say I will do better next time in listening to my gut and standing up for my wants and needs throughout the entire relationship. So learn what you can from this and your previous experiences and don't rush into something else just to fill or block out the pain.

[miss2017]

15 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

OP,

 

As to your comment about "why you fell for him" - that may be a key discovery for you to make in your recovery and while you're single right now. Falling for him doesn't make you a bad person, or stupid, or any other negative adjective. We all want to be loved, held, f***ed, and understood to some extant or another. But the reality is that our lives, our experiences, and the people we meet along the way shape our human feelings a certain way. Perhaps you're very affectionate and before his love bombing had never been with someone affectionate. Just using that as an example. Moving forward, learning what you want and need but also what you lacked and longed for from childhood till now can help you make better decisions.  While this guy sounds like a crazy ex of mine, his love bombing reminds me of my most recent ex - I fell for her cuteness and her affection in the beginning and mistook it for her real personality and as maturity. In fact, she was immature, inexperienced, completely uncomfortable with her self, and had low self-esteem. In retrospect, I can't beat myself up for falling in love with her but only say I will do better next time in listening to my gut and standing up for my wants and needs throughout the entire relationship. So learn what you can from this and your previous experiences and don't rush into something else just to fill or block out the pain.

OMG, you hit the nail on the head! I got involved with him because of two things: I was feeling lonely and vulnerable when I met him due to some life events, and also you're absolutely right, I am very affectionate and before his love bombing I've never been with someone affectionate before, all my exes were rather cold and distant, so although I found the love bombing too much, I also believed that's how true love is and I'm just not used to it. Then I realised it was not true love, but something very toxic instead.

What I am doing now if giving myself all the love and affection I felt I was lacking and healing this way. And so I can be whole myself and do better decisions in the future.

So, you are absolutely right.

Edited January 7, 2020 by miss2017

[scooby-philly]

5 hours ago, miss2017 said:

OMG, you hit the nail on the head! I got involved with him because of two things: I was feeling lonely and vulnerable when I met him due to some life events, and also you're absolutely right, I am very affectionate and before his love bombing I've never been with someone affectionate before, all my exes were rather cold and distant, so although I found the love bombing too much, I also believed that's how true love is and I'm just not used to it. Then I realised it was not true love, but something very toxic instead.

What I am doing now if giving myself all the love and affection I felt I was lacking and healing this way. And so I can be whole myself and do better decisions in the future.

So, you are absolutely right.

Don't beat yourself up too much. Growing up, my mom was very affectionate but my dad was aloof and not emotionally open. Plus they and my grandmother, who I grew up with, played a game of emotional incest - me stuck in the middle when they fought, shaming me for trying to defend one and also threatening to leave or running away for an hour or two when they fought bad. So while I'm perfectly content when I'm single and healthy, I've gotten stuck in relationships trying to be the "nice guy" and not walking away when my needs weren't being met and/or when there were signs I was respected, loved, or cared for as much as I loved and cared for them. And with the last ex, she love bombed me in the beginning, and being affectionate (and still learning to be okay displaying it, wanting it,) and not having had that in a previous relationship, I ignored episodes of immaturity (she was in retrospect too young and inexperienced for me) and also outright disrespect and then didn't notice as the affection, the love, etc. wore off. Yes - giving ourselves affection is important - but also finding another affectionate person (healthy levels) to be with. So you can't beat yourself up - just take the lesson forward with you and when you're healed and ready - stick to your guns - find someone affectionate, but listen to your gut if it appears unhealthy at some point.

[miss2017]

On 1/7/2020 at 7:48 PM, scooby-philly said:

Don't beat yourself up too much. Growing up, my mom was very affectionate but my dad was aloof and not emotionally open. Plus they and my grandmother, who I grew up with, played a game of emotional incest - me stuck in the middle when they fought, shaming me for trying to defend one and also threatening to leave or running away for an hour or two when they fought bad. So while I'm perfectly content when I'm single and healthy, I've gotten stuck in relationships trying to be the "nice guy" and not walking away when my needs weren't being met and/or when there were signs I was respected, loved, or cared for as much as I loved and cared for them. And with the last ex, she love bombed me in the beginning, and being affectionate (and still learning to be okay displaying it, wanting it,) and not having had that in a previous relationship, I ignored episodes of immaturity (she was in retrospect too young and inexperienced for me) and also outright disrespect and then didn't notice as the affection, the love, etc. wore off. Yes - giving ourselves affection is important - but also finding another affectionate person (healthy levels) to be with. So you can't beat yourself up - just take the lesson forward with you and when you're healed and ready - stick to your guns - find someone affectionate, but listen to your gut if it appears unhealthy at some point.

Thank you! Yes my dad was emotionally unavailable and aloof and my mom was affectionate on-off, so I grew up not exactly knowing what love is, but knowing what feels bad.

So yes I confused this guy's love bombing with true love. Although it felt too much and weird, I though to myself maybe is just me who doesn't know what love is. He revealed to be like my mom, affectionate on-off and aloof like my dad when things didn't go to plan.

I've had many exes who were not very affectionate, and I've had this love bombing now. I just want to heal from all this and find someone who is affectionate and normal.

[2BGoodAgain]

53 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Thank you! Yes my dad was emotionally unavailable and aloof and my mom was affectionate on-off, so I grew up not exactly knowing what love is, but knowing what feels bad.

So yes I confused this guy's love bombing with true love. Although it felt too much and weird, I though to myself maybe is just me who doesn't know what love is. He revealed to be like my mom, affectionate on-off and aloof like my dad when things didn't go to plan.

I've had many exes who were not very affectionate, and I've had this love bombing now. I just want to heal from all this and find someone who is affectionate and normal.

have you had therapy yet, for your feelings?

many times, we are quick to look outside for what we need to fix inside...instead of looking inside, so that when we do meet someone worthwhile, we can tell the difference and have a healthy relationship with them.

otherwise, many times, we aren't ready for it... 

[scooby-philly]

2 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Thank you! Yes my dad was emotionally unavailable and aloof and my mom was affectionate on-off, so I grew up not exactly knowing what love is, but knowing what feels bad.

So yes I confused this guy's love bombing with true love. Although it felt too much and weird, I though to myself maybe is just me who doesn't know what love is. He revealed to be like my mom, affectionate on-off and aloof like my dad when things didn't go to plan.

I've had many exes who were not very affectionate, and I've had this love bombing now. I just want to heal from all this and find someone who is affectionate and normal.

I think @2BGoodAgain does bring up a very, very , very important point. Very often people will fall into the same pattern of dating if they don't address the inner problems that lead them into that pattern over and over again. And those personal issues blind us from accurately judging a person or relationship, and often force us to ignore or downplay (maybe even be blind to) our feelings about something. So internal work is as necessary as understanding what we want and need in a partner.

To add a bit more context to my story, if it's helpful for you,:

My dad was ex-military. Became an alcoholic in the military as a way to deal with the pain. He was a only child. My grandfather was (supposedly, he died before I met him), simple, quiet, down-to-earth guy. But he was probably also an enable. My grandmother was (still is, at 97) very shame based. Lost her father at 9 or 10, her step father was cold and mean. Her mother was stern (as she was an immigrant from Eastern Europe). She also lost a brother in WW2. She's been afraid of life - losing what she had (they grew up poor and in a small town in Central PA) and of losing people. So my dad was spoiled but also raised to be the "good boy" and was somewhat sheltered. Going to a private Catholic HS he was also probably groomed to believe in the old idea of the "academic man" - i.e. no feelings, all intellectual, acting like reading a book was the only way to get smart and reading enough books would make you even smarter. So he doesn't know how to ask for help, he didn't really teach us anything growing up, and as I mentioned, he wasn't affectionate. And, he's been waiting 70+ years for approval and happiness from his mother which he will never get.

My mom was apparently (her word, never met her family) raised by a father in the army. She claimed once to have been abused sexually. And she says she was the caretaker taking care of a lot of younger siblings. She was a liar and very shady. Around 36/38 she got hooked on drugs on/off for 5 years - which also included a stint in a psych ward at a mental health hospital. She and my grandmother buried the family in debt. Plus, my dad being too intellectual did not pursue a career beyond lower manager level and also couldn't do the self-reflection that he was very capable and experienced to become a senior leader in his field and that his skills were actually limited in 1 big area of his job - so he never got to where he probably could have career wise. Given all of that, and more, the dynamic growing up for me was tough as I mentioned that they would argue and because they're all broken and shamed based, they attacked each other (and me) personally instead of focusing on behaviors and they didn't have the emotionally healthy and maturity to work on things. My parents are some of the most incompatible people you've ever met. They've gotten better over the years as age slowed them down and life forced them to rely on each other. But they're still not exactly anywhere close to an "ideal couple". 

 

I say all of that not as a knock on them. They're all hard working, they try (and tried) their best. But it made me who I am/was. I was looking for guidance through my late teens and 20's and never got it. I still have a bit of that lust for help/guidance in me, but I've gotten better at recognizing my skills and experience and not feeling out of place at work or in my industry. I grew up without getting affection back. So in this past relationship I stayed not only when I felt something was off early on, but afterwards when the affection really waned. And I stayed in previous relationships to that because I didn't understand I deserved better (for me), that I could find better (for me), and that I could meet someone caring, sweet, affectionate, sensual, down-to-earth, and hardworking (does that sound like a lot? lol) and that just because someone was willing to "be with me" isn't a good enough reason to get into (or stay) in a relationship with them. Same principles go to my friendships as well. I stayed with friends even though are interests greatly divided over the years and when my effort/value of the friendship, far outweighed their effort/value. So I've had to learn that it's okay to be the giver that I am, but that it's okay to to step back from time to time and not give if someone isn't matching or at least close or that it's okay not to give if I'm feeling drained. And that I need to live my life and pursue my interests and that people who really care about me will stay around, even if we go periods without talking or seeing each other, and that I can make new friends, even great friends, just being me and pursuing my own career, hobbies, etc. And I need to start dreaming for myself - buy a house, travel, do things that I want for my life regardless of my dating situation.

 

SO OP, I would say that giving ourselves affection is important (and self-love) but so to is using the lessons we learned to move forward and understand what we seek and to trust our gut when the red flags go up that something seems wrong, off, or that something isn't "meant to be".

 

Hope that helps a little.

 

 

[scooby-philly]

3 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Thank you! Yes my dad was emotionally unavailable and aloof and my mom was affectionate on-off, so I grew up not exactly knowing what love is, but knowing what feels bad.

So yes I confused this guy's love bombing with true love. Although it felt too much and weird, I though to myself maybe is just me who doesn't know what love is. He revealed to be like my mom, affectionate on-off and aloof like my dad when things didn't go to plan.

I've had many exes who were not very affectionate, and I've had this love bombing now. I just want to heal from all this and find someone who is affectionate and normal.

And - you've got good insights here. You know you felt something was wrong but ignored your feeling, you know how your parents are and how they affected you, and you know what you want and that right now you just need to heal from the experience. That's all positive stuff.