Fiance's cold feet due to his mother

[user1]

Sorry, long post.

 

Last week, I moved from the East Coast to the West Coast for a new job, and my fiance accepted a new job in the same city as me and would have joined me in a few months.

 

Over the past weekend, he flew over to the West Coast to propose to me, ring and all.

 

What would have been the happiest day of my life was ruined when he told me after he proposed to me that his mother has refused to speak to him the week before he planned to propose to me--She is angry that I am a different ethnicity and that her son is leaving her to move across country to be with me. "You are leaving your family, you have a perfectly good job here, you have everything here, why are you ruining your life".

 

Background: dated for 5 years in med. school. Broke up due to his mother hating me due to my different ethnicity: asian-american; also due to his infidelity with several nurses and techs.

Got back together 7 years later after we started working in the same city.

We have been dating a little more than 1 year. He was dating other women the first 6 months we were dating each other due to his "not being ready to make a commitment to one woman". (I considered it infidelity, but he says no due to the previous statement).

 

He's been divorced for 1 1/2 years.

 

His mother was the causes of his divorce with his first wife; she could not stand his first wife, who was Italian. She pretended to have a "heart attack" on the holiday weekend when it was my fiance and his first wife's turn to suppose to go to his first wife's family's house, and the wife said: you go to your mother, and I'll leave you. She left him when he chose his mother over her.

 

Since returning to the East Coast, my fiance has been growing increasingly distant and cold towards me: he doesn't call me, he gets annoyed when I call him. He says he feels "so depressed, so physically exhausted, like (he's) failed in life, that (he) has to leave his family now, and I feel like it is all due to you; you pressured me to get married, you wanted it".

 

I never pressured him to propose to me; I simply asked him to resolve the status of our relationship: either end it and we'll go our separate ways amiably, or make a commitment. Never did I ask him to get engaged.

 

Ofcourse, he says he doesn't want to talk about it when I ask him if he has cold feet and is changing his mind about our engagement. He has been home talking to his parents all this week; I have the intuition that he is being pressured by his mother and that he is having regret/remorse in proposing to me and doesn't know how to get out of it.

 

I also think that he does not have the back bone to call off the engagement, (which he acts like he regrets anyway with his hurtful statements and refusal to talk to me, let alone about our engagement and marriage). I think he wants to treat me so badly that he wants me to call off the engagement.

 

How should I deal with this situation?

 

My family says no contact. If I call off the engagement, I lose the ring.

If he calls it off, I get to keep it.

 

His father is a lawyer...I am NOT paranoid.

[Aimée]

Background: dated for 5 years in med. school.

Despite having been with him for 5 years you're still hesitating and not sure what kind of person he is? Look, I think our choices are a reflection of our selves and our issues. You should ask yourself what makes you hang on to this guy who is still so dependent on his mom.

 

Broke up due to his mother hating me due to my different ethnicity: asian-american;

That's a strong word that you used and I wouldn't blame her resentments on your ethnicity, she doesn't like you, because her son is involved with you. She would hate everybody, just like she hated his first wife.

 

also due to his infidelity with several nurses and techs.

Hon, my advice for you will not deal with how to keep him or how to get him away from his mom or how to keep your engagement ring, my advice for you is to deal with your own issues.

 

Got back together 7 years later after we started working in the same city.

Why did you get back with him?

 

He was dating other women the first 6 months we were dating each other due to his "not being ready to make a commitment to one woman".

I know that some people like to date several people at the same time, but 6 months seems to be a very long time. Once again, I'd consider this a red flag and it's also very telling about you that you accept a situation that has obviously raised doubts within you and didn't make you very happy.

 

His mother was the causes of his divorce with his first wife; she could not stand his first wife, who was Italian. She pretended to have a "heart attack" on the holiday weekend when it was my fiance and his first wife's turn to suppose to go to his first wife's family's house, and the wife said: you go to your mother, and I'll leave you. She left him when he chose his mother over her.

His first wife was either not very understanding or not very wise. Unless she had foolproof evidence that his mother was faking a heart attack she shouldn't have pushed her husband for such a decision. And even than she shouldn't force a man to decide between his mother and her, that's just stupid. If he has the option between his mother who raised him and for whom he is the little precious one and a woman who is trying to impose her needs on him who do you think he will choose?

 

I also think that he does not have the back bone to call off the engagement,

I suggest that you break off the engagement. You need to show him that you're not a puppet on a string and that you're strong enough to stand up for yourself. He will always have regrets for having let you go, because he's weak and indecisive. People like him are always afraid of making the wrong decision, so you can bet he will never make one and the only thing that will happen is that you continue to be in a situation that you don't like, that causes you pain. Show him that you're stronger than him and are able to make a decision.

 

I think he wants to treat me so badly that he wants me to call off the engagement.

Then call it off.

 

If I call off the engagement, I lose the ring.

If he calls it off, I get to keep it.

I'm sorry, but I don't get it what is so important about the ring. Just give it back. Even if it's very expensive and the most beautiful ring in the world what do you have by keeping it? It's not going to be a symbol of love anymore and I can't imagine that you want to trade your dignity and your self-respect for a couple of bucks. If you have been in med school and are working now I don't assume that you're in desperate need of money.

 

My advice is to break the engagement off and to give him the ring back. I'll tell you why my advice sounds so harsh, because not once did you mention anything positive in your post about your fiancé. There doesn't seem to be anything nice or good in him that is holding you back, so have the courage and go your own way.

[user1]

Despite having been with him for 5 years you're still hesitating and not sure what kind of person he is? Look, I think our choices are a reflection of our selves and our issues. You should ask yourself what makes you hang on to this guy who is still so dependent on his mom.

I have been in therapy working out codependent issues resulting from post traumatic stress from past infidelitous relationships.

 

 

That's a strong word that you used and I wouldn't blame her resentments on your ethnicity, she doesn't like you, because her son is involved with you. She would hate everybody, just like she hated his first wife.

She does hate all the women he brings home. She came with him to the hospital to apologize to me for "ruining the relationship seven years ago, and would I please be her son's friend again?"

 

 

Hon, my advice for you will not deal with how to keep him or how to get him away from his mom or how to keep your engagement ring, my advice for you is to deal with your own issues.

See above...I'm working on it!

 

 

Why did you get back with him?

His parents brought him to my office to see me at the hospital to apologize for how she treated me 7 years ago, and they asked me "to forgive (her), and to be his friend again and give him another chance". When I became available, we started dating, and one year later, voila.

 

I know that some people like to date several people at the same time, but 6 months seems to be a very long time. Once again, I'd consider this a red flag and it's also very telling about you that you accept a situation that has obviously raised doubts within you and didn't make you very happy.

I had no clue that he was dating other people. I was happily in blissful ignorance for several months until I became suspicious with the hangup calls, him not picking up the cell phone and home phone when he got calls. One night, he told me he was on-call; I decided to do a drive by and saw him with another woman. I dumped him right there, but he begged me for 2 weeks to stay with him, and I gave him another chance to prove himself.

 

His first wife was either not very understanding or not very wise. Unless she had foolproof evidence that his mother was faking a heart attack she shouldn't have pushed her husband for such a decision. And even than she shouldn't force a man to decide between his mother and her, that's just stupid. If he has the option between his mother who raised him and for whom he is the little precious one and a woman who is trying to impose her needs on him who do you think he will choose?

Ofcourse, he would choose his momma. His mother was diagnosed with a "GI upset" in the ER. His first wife had every reason to dump him; his mother obviously made her life hell, with my personal experience from her.

 

 

I suggest that you break off the engagement. You need to show him that you're not a puppet on a string and that you're strong enough to stand up for yourself. He will always have regrets for having let you go, because he's weak and indecisive. People like him are always afraid of making the wrong decision, so you can bet he will never make one and the only thing that will happen is that you continue to be in a situation that you don't like, that causes you pain. Show him that you're stronger than him and are able to make a decision.

I'm deciding that right now....it hurts like hell.

 

Then call it off. Yes, I'm thinking about that right now....

 

 

I'm sorry, but I don't get it what is so important about the ring. Just give it back. Even if it's very expensive and the most beautiful ring in the world what do you have by keeping it? It's not going to be a symbol of love anymore and I can't imagine that you want to trade your dignity and your self-respect for a couple of bucks. If you have been in med school and are working now I don't assume that you're in desperate need of money.

I've bought myself bigger bling for my right hand. He was the one that offered to upgrade ring carat after sizing the ring; his first wife demanded an upgrade; I happily accepted the original ring and then his own offer to upgrade the ring when he brought me to the jeweller after the proposal.

 

My advice is to break the engagement off and to give him the ring back. I'll tell you why my advice sounds so harsh, because not once did you mention anything positive in your post about your fiancé. There doesn't seem to be anything nice or good in him that is holding you back, so have the courage and go your own way.

he is a wonderful loyal son, adores children, passionate about his work, is athletic, highly intelligent, and a good doc. I have been engaged and broken off engagements, so it is not about courage. It is about whether I love myself and love him enough to withstand external pressures like a hostile mother in law.

 

 

He called me this am to tell me what is going on: his mother is hysterical that he got me "a bigger ring than any woman in their family has ever had" and that his mother is "afraid that I will have to support you for the rest of my life" and that he "should have taken the job first and not gotten engaged", and that he "is leaving his family".

I have no intention of giving up my career..his mom doesn't work, so ironic, eh?

 

Hostile mother in laws are a deal breaker in my book.

what do you think?

[roxyg]

I don't have as many problems as you have with my future mother in law, but my fiance is still somewhat dependant on her, and it drives me nuts! She tries to interfere in our relationship, causing many arguments between us. I think it's the mother's that need to let their sons go, whether they like it or not. Some mother's put so much pressure on their sons to be their everything, in turn ruining their chance at relationships outside the home. My fmil, is so obsessed with having my fiance do everything for her, no matter what. She will call all day just to have something minor fixed or looked at. I am not saying I don't want him to have a relationship with his mother, but he doesn't need to be at her beckon call, and she doesn't need to try to meddle in our affairs. Good luck to you. I don't agree with what the other post said, about how the son should choose the mother over anyone else. It's about letting your adult children be adults, not enabling them through life and thus bombarding healthy relationships. IMO, decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life with this man, or if he is even worth it? You obviously care enough about him to accept his proposal, but there is nothing wrong with taking it back or taking more time to decide. Hope all works out well!

[Aimée]

I had no clue that he was dating other people. I was happily in blissful ignorance for several months until I became suspicious with the hangup calls, him not picking up the cell phone and home phone when he got calls. One night, he told me he was on-call; I decided to do a drive by and saw him with another woman. I dumped him right there, but he begged me for 2 weeks to stay with him, and I gave him another chance to prove himself.

If you have seen him for several months without knowing that he was also seeing other women, don't you think it's a good indicator that he was trying to hide it from you? And him lying about his whereabouts, doesn't this indicate that he sensed that what he did was wrong?

 

I have been in therapy working out codependent issues resulting from post traumatic stress from past infidelitous relationships.

You don't seem to be ready to handle such a mommy boy with all your own issues, do you think you will be able to handle this guy plus his mom? He may be the wonderful that you think he is, but if he doesn't treat you right and probably is not even very faithful, why would you choose to stay with him, with all the bad experiences you had in the past? If you have experienced infidelity in your past relationships and still suffer from the impact of these betrayals, why head for another relationship where this very likely is to occur again?

 

I think unless he is ready to discuss his relationship with his mom, I'd say you should leave, because forcing someone to change is useless. Hope exists for those who see the problem and are willing to take responsibility and want to solve it, the rest will cause you a lot of pain and grief.

[curiousnycgirl]

I would send the ring back to him with a note. The note with say something along the lines of this:

 

First and foremost tell him you love him, and that you would be honored to be his wife. Then apologize for forcing him to make a decision he was not yet ready to make. Tell him you are returning the ring because you want HIM to be certain, confident and comfortable in HIS decision - and that you do not feel he is there at this point.

 

Tell him, again, that you love him - and that he knows how to reach you. Tell him that you are NOT giving him any ultimatums, but you are continuing to live your life.

 

Personally I think one mistake we all make is asking someone else to define our relationships for us - I understand why we do it - we want to know what their feelings are and where we stand in their lives - however we have a say in this too. By giving him what he clearly took to be an ultimatum, you actually validated some of what his mother is probably saying about you. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

 

My mother tries to pull this kind of stuff all the time - she is exceptionally controlling (or at least tries to be) - and my siblings and I have finally gotten to a point that we just say no.

 

That is the heart of your issue now - you cannot be the one to define his relationship with his mother, or be the perceived cause of whatever he does with her. He needs to do that himself - HE needs to stand up for himself, and redefine the terms of how they interact. Until that happens she will continue to have all the control.

 

Giving him the ring back tells him that you are making him figure it out for himself - if he doesn't do that - then you don't want him, because his mother will forever be your enemy.

 

Stupid - huh?