lostandconfusedsoul Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 It’s been almost a year since her (25F) and I (30m) split We were together for 4 years It was toxic a lot of the time, we fought a lot towards the end, we both hurt each other a lot with actions and words. She broke it off and within 2-3 weeks was with some guy she met at a bar and they’ve been together since. I’m still alone and struggling... I can’t just let go.. I honestly go through days where I’m okay and not upset and then there’s weeks of pain, agony and heartache.. I miss her more than anything and I sit and stare into the abyss just wishing I could or would wake up back to when we were together. I did ALOT of stupid ****... said a lot of stupid things and made way too many mistakes ones that are unforgivable, and I try to tell myself that she’s not innocent either, what I did she did to me as well, but I’ve spent about a year just tearing myself apart, blaming myself for everything and saying if I wasn’t such a piece of **** I wouldn’t be in this situation so I deserve it... What is wrong with me... why am I not able to let go Why was it so easy for her to forget me? And I can’t even stay interested in someone long enough before I realize it’s not her and drop it.... I’m at my end here... Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 If it's been that long and you are still feeling this bad, perhaps consider therapy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostandconfusedsoul Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 If it's been that long and you are still feeling this bad, perhaps consider therapy? I can’t afford therapy... is it that bad that it’s dragged on this long? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 I can’t afford therapy... is it that bad that it’s dragged on this long? It's concerning, yes. The degree to which you're still experiencing shame, anger and regret is the cue that your coping mechanisms (whatever they may be) are not working for you anymore. Which brings me to the next question - what sort of things have you tried to help you heal? Are you still in any sort of contact with her, directly or indirectly? Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 You need to look at the facts. It's been a year since you broke up. In that time she has not tried to get back with you but instead has got with someone else. She does not want you in her life, her actions show that. Why then would you want to be with someone like that? Don't you want to be with someone that actually wants to be with you, that appreciates you for you? Just think about it. Then you will realise you are wasting time (we only have one life) when you could be moving on and meeting other women who want to be with you. Use this experience to help you in the next relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Start by acknowledging some realities. It's over & she's not coming back. Now realize you have to move forward. Think about what that means. What do you want to do with your life, personally & professionally. Then start taking steps to make those dreams realities. You don't deserve this pain. It takes two people to make a relationship work & to tear one apart. Whatever it is that you think you did wrong, learn from those mistakes & don't repeat them in your next relationship. You say you can't afford therapy but can you really afford to not get some? Allowing you life to stagnate is a huge price to pay for something that is fixable. Ask around. Do some research into low cost options. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Are you still hanging on to memorabilia? I recommend destroying it but at a minimum it should be out of sight. Change your environment. Move the furniture around. Put down a new area rug with a pattern that you would not normally choose. Do not go to stores or restaurants that the two of you used to frequent. Get out at least 3 times a week for a 20 minute walk or bicycle ride. Join group bicycle rides. If you can afford it move to a new place and leave the memories behind. Go back to school. Read important books like "The Histories" by Herodotus. Attend a local church. Take up a hobby like radio controlled gliders. It takes two months to build a two meter glider. Join a choir and learn to sing. Learn to play a instrument. Lots of songs to play that will help heal your heart or do karaoke. Attend local festivals in small towns in your state. Visit National parks or state parks. White water raft down a class 3 river. Take a train ride through the Rocky Mountains. Get out and live. Don't let her steal away the rest of your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostandconfusedsoul Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 Thank you guys, I honesty wasn’t sure I’d get any replies on this topic. I have tried so much... I’ve rearranged my place a bunch, repainted etc It’s a struggle because we lived here together. I know there’s so much that I should be letting go of, and you’re right. But there’s just something that is keeping me back and it’s killing me. I have so many hobbies! But at the end of the day there’s always one thing missing and it’s a huge void. I’ve met new woman and the issue is I get interested and within a couple weeks I’ve lost all interest because 1) it’s not her.. 2) I don’t or can’t see what I saw in her 3) I can’t see us doing the things her and I did. Which is so ugly of me I know! I feel like an awful person for it but I can’t control it. I’m sorry I sound like such a whiny biotch, but at this point I’m wondering if I’m just a mental patient waiting to be committed Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 You can't let go because you're justifiably mad at yourself. Letting go isn't what you need to do. Fixing yourself is what you need to do. Therapy, maybe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 I'm hesitant to suggest this but when there is long term depression sometimes electro-shock therapy can pull you out of it. It's a pretty brutal therapy that you should only consider after talking with your doctor. It's not something to be used lightly. You could turn to God. Many people have healed themselves that way also. Your choice: God or Electro teeth clenching therapy. I know which one I'd pick. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Forgiving yourself is probably a great step in the right direction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 Everybody heals on different schedules. I happen to be one of those who takes longer to heal, but I also take longer to fall in love. Others are over things quickly and fall in love again quickly. It is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 (edited) At the risk of sounding douchey, what you need to do is bang 10 other women. Go on Tinder, OKCupid, go out to bars, whatever it takes. I pretty much guarantee either you'll have a connection with one of those 10 ladies, or, your ego will be built back up and you'll feel a lot better. You feel like sh-t because you have no other women in your life, you have no other options. She can move on quickly because she's a woman and she'll always have opportunities being created for her by other men. You as a man need to create those opportunities for yourself. That's how it works. Trust me on this. Get out there. Get going. Edited October 16, 2019 by rjc149 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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