Feeling utter misery

[staygrateful]

I am trying to do as my username displays and remain grateful. Even at a time when I am feeling the lowest I've ever felt in my life, just trying to give thanks for what I do have and how much worse life could be. This unfortunately isn't working well at the current time hence the reason I'm here writing this. I am in utter misery.

 

 

 

I've been down heartache lane a few times in my life unfortunately so I've had to endure the pain that comes along with it. Not ` too many things can break me down in life and cause such hurt the way losing a woman you love can. I've noticed with marriage it seems to hit 10x harder. I meant every word I said on that day I made her my wife. I thought she did to. She didn't even make it to 2yrs as my wife though. She gave up that easy. The reason I am so shocked is because of being together 7yrs before marriage and being through so much together, and I mean so much. My love for her was so deep and I believed that to be mutual. We knew each other so well and I just can't comprehend why she threw the towel in so early. If you read my previous post before this one you would probably think I was crazy for even missing her, but you can't help who you love. If you didn't, well she walked out of the marriage and within probably a month started dating someone. That's what is causing the almost unbearable misery. The thought of my wife committing adultery. I can't get it out of my head.The thought of them having sex kills me. Just the thought of them being intimate. Does she tell him the same thing she told me? Did our marriage mean anything? Is there even an ounce of guilt as she shares intimate moments with him? All these thoughts just continuously run through my mind. At the same time I defend her actions because she had some really awful things happen to her as a child and also had a very ****ty mother. She was mostly raised by her grandma. These traumatic childhood events have caused her issues from teenager until current time. We have had many deep conversations about it. I've begged her in the past to seek therapy for it but I don't think she wants to relive a lot of it. It causes extreme anxiety which she already has very bad. I also attempted to ask her back home and to attempt marriage counseling to work through everything. When she wouldn't accept, that let me know she is no longer in love with me and isn't coming back.

 

 

 

Due to children being in the picture, the no contact rule isn't possible. Very limited contact is what I'm attempting to practice but it hasn't been working out too well. One of us ends up going off track and taking it to a friendly text conversation. It's like she is trying to friend zone her f#cking husband! I just don't know what to do or who to turn to anymore which is why I'm here. I have a few friends and they understand, a few of them have been through similar situations not marriage but close. It's hard though because no words will heal the pain. I just don't want to self destruct and I also don't want to hurt. I just want my wife back.

[schlumpy]

She is trying to friend zone you and that shows she does have some feelings of guilt and thinks if she can get you to be friends then she's not that bad a person.

 

If that is all the consequence that you can hand to her then do it. Let her know in stark terms that its the marriage or nothing.

 

No contact means no contact. The kids can be picked up or dropped off without you seeing her or you can use family to exchange them. However you manage it you must for your own sake, limit contact.

 

Cut her off financially so she's not cheating on you with your dime and expose her to whoever will listen to you.

 

That is pretty much all you can do.

 

I don't know if anything is going to get her back. I do know that if you can move past this you discover that you don't want her back.

 

Go to the Chumpladys website and look up the 180. It won't help to get you wife back but over a period of time it will bring you back.

[mark clemson]

Unfortunately this woman is no good for you. Suggest you go to IC to help with the emotional distress. IMO you should consider making a firm commitment to move on/have her out of your life and finalizing the divorce (if that isn't already complete).

 

Someone who you want less but who's actually good for you in the many ways that this woman isn't may actually be what's best. Someone you can recuperate with and who won't pull this kind of stuff.

[preraph]

The dumpee usually does start dating soon after they break up. That doesn't make her a bad person. It's not adultry either, if you're broken up.

 

Yes, it bothers you because you're possessive and jealous, like most dumpees are. But you are the one who may need help and counseling getting past it. She's moved on with her life.

 

You can get a judge to limit your communications to a divorced parents email service. They save everything and don't allow anything except communication about the kids, basically. You may have to.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just want my wife back.

 

I'll make you a better offer - you can have your life back.

 

staygrateful, there has to be some objective part of you realizing this woman and this relationship aren't good for you. Your wife isn't committed to you, your family or your marriage, so whatever you're mourning simply doesn't exist any more. With kids involved, no choice but to move on and create a new normal, a different life. People are depending on you so fake it until you make it and start taking small steps forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[staygrateful]

The dumpee usually does start dating soon after they break up. That doesn't make her a bad person. It's not adultry either, if you're broken up.

 

Yes, it bothers you because you're possessive and jealous, like most dumpees are. But you are the one who may need help and counseling getting past it. She's moved on with her life.

 

You can get a judge to limit your communications to a divorced parents email service. They save everything and don't allow anything except communication about the kids, basically. You may have to.

 

 

 

 

I have to disagree with the adultery comment. What do you mean if we are "broken up". We are husband and wife. In the state I live in you have to be separated and living apart a year before filing a no fault divorce. Other grounds for divorce would be adultery which is exactly what she's committing so please explain how she isn't? I had my portion of the separation agreement made up and was even going to do her a favor and say we had been living apart longer than we have to do a no fault divorce. I still may just to get it over with because adultery is so hard to prove and doubt she will admit to it in court and look bad. I just don't get the broken up part like we are bf and gf.

[staygrateful]

I'll make you a better offer - you can have your life back.

 

staygrateful, there has to be some objective part of you realizing this woman and this relationship aren't good for you. Your wife isn't committed to you, your family or your marriage, so whatever you're mourning simply doesn't exist any more. With kids involved, no choice but to move on and create a new normal, a different life. People are depending on you so fake it until you make it and start taking small steps forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

There is and has been an objective part of me that has known this relationship failed long ago. It's so hard to put into words what I'm mourning. Maybe what we used to have? Maybe I'm living in the past, before she cheated. I had thought marriage would basically reset our relationship. It would make me forget about her giving her love away to someone else, but it didn't. We had such deep conversations regarding it and had her open up about her past, things that has caused her ptsd and how all that played a part in her cheating. She promised to be perfect and stay fully faithful if I would just give her all my trust again but I never could and she could tell. She could tell for a very long time that I never fully could give her all my love anymore. I wasn't able to. The objective part of me wouldn't allow it. So she gave me what I thought I wanted and she left. You're so right, whatever I'm holding onto is non existent. It's been non existent for years and I just can't bring myself to accept it. It's basically a lose/lose. Even if she walked back through the door tomorrow I'd never be able to trust her again. Not even for the recent cheating but still from the past. I was head over heels in love with a woman who cared only about herself.

 

 

 

I think now it's more about the fact that I know she has been with someone else again. It's almost like I am reliving the first time this happened. That pain I had prayed to never feel again is back. It just hurts. It hurts being faithful and committed for so many years only to realize that feeling wasn't mutual. She had said not long after she left that all she wanted was to still know I loved her and to still show her that affection I used to show her. I just couldn't let that protective wall down that I put up after being hurt so bad. She sabotaged a perfect relationship and for some reason here I am feeling guilty, depressed and lost. I put on the happy face to my kids though and have very lc with her. I am going to begin moving on with my life. Slowly but surely.

[Berteau]

I think now it's more about the fact that I know she has been with someone else again. It's almost like I am reliving the first time this happened. That pain I had prayed to never feel again is back. It just hurts. It hurts being faithful and committed for so many years only to realize that feeling wasn't mutual. She had said not long after she left that all she wanted was to still know I loved her and to still show her that affection I used to show her. I just couldn't let that protective wall down that I put up after being hurt so bad. She sabotaged a perfect relationship and for some reason here I am feeling guilty, depressed and lost. I put on the happy face to my kids though and have very lc with her. I am going to begin moving on with my life. Slowly but surely.

 

Yes. Finding out they are with someone else makes it so much worse. I feel for you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Stay grateful, I think Mr. Lucky is spot on about your situation and how you can manoeuvre your way through it. Although it is a heart wrenching time for you, you have to realize that your wife has done you a big favour by clearly indicating her choice as far as your marriage is concerned. Her affair with her new beau will run its course and then she will jump to the next guy and the next and so forth. She really is not marriage material precisely because she is emotionally and psychologically damaged. You have mentioned the trauma and abuse she suffered as a child and that has scarred her for life. While you may feel sorry for her you cannot think of trying to save her from herself. She needs professional help which she refuses to get.

 

Concentrate on yourself and try and be the best Dad for your kids. For the rest, move on with your life and in choosing your next life partner make certain you choose well and sensibly. Do not be in a hurry to find someone else. Take time to heal and find your feet again. Then when you feel you are ready, step forth into the world with confidence and and a cheerful and affable personality to attract the right kind of woman to you. Warm wishes.