He asked I answered and he didn't hear me.

[JackieDaniels1977]

My husband Asked me last night, what was wrong? Why is there some much distance between us? Is there some one else?

In All honesty I've never given this man in the last 16teen years or 13 of them married years a good reason to think there was someone else. all this last year has been a rollacoster of change and I just don't know how much more I can take and after me and him talked last night he still didn't hear me.

 

 

I've said before in other post I haven't been happy with him for sometime and after thinking long in hard I have done what I have always done and this year has become an awakening for me. I made the mistake of marrying him because I'm one of those people who married my husband because I was pregnant and thought things would get better and my feeling for him would get stronger the longer we were married. but after many fights and me praying to God to make it work, about five years ago I stopped. and realize it wasn't going to work and that he had called me a liar for the last time.

 

I started praying for god to find him someone better because, I can't be the person he wants and I know I will never be good enough for him. and at the beginning of this year, I started going out with my friends and following a band where one of my friends plays in. I go out on Saturday night hang with friends or by myself. I gave in to feeling I had for said friend and my friendship with him has gotten better. (NO I HAVE NOT KISSED OR DONE ANYTHING, THAT WOULD BE CONSITTERED AS CHEATING) my husband knows about him and has told my many times he doesn't like it or him and hates that I want to dress up and feel good about myself when I go out.

Last night we sat in the car and he wanted me to be honest.

 

I told him I love and care about him and there is no one I want to be with, just that he makes it hard on me to be in love with him when He is constantly picking fights and calling me names and embarrassing me in public. When I look in to his eyes I know he loves me but I don't feel the same way. I was 26 and he was 38 when we started dating. and Before him I was with a guy who Screamed and hit me and pressured me in to things I didn't want to do. I made it clear to my husband that I don't do well with people who yell and call me names. And here I' am again having to deal with this. I feel like the bad person here, I feel like I am taring a marriage up, just because I want out and last night, I stopped myself short of telling him I want out because even knows I'm not in love with him I do care and love him but I don't want to have sex with him anymore. I'm sorry I just needed to vent. I'm sure our talk is not over with.

Edited October 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs, add link, move to S&D

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like you have identified the pattern. I think MC may help you two communicate better without screaming.

 

You are married & you have a child. If you can get this marriage on a track you like, would you stay? Part of the problem is I'm not sure you know what you want. You married because you were pregnant not because you were in love.

[schlumpy]

It doesn't matter if you kissed your new boyfriend, held his hand or just made eyes at him from across the room. You have a new love interest that is absorbing the affection that should be in your marriage.

 

Out with the band on Saturday nights? No wonder he asked if there was someone else - because there is.

 

Get a attorney and have him served. Be kind and equitable about it and then you can run off to your new guy and have him croon sweet love songs to your everlasting contentment.

[Mr. Lucky]

In All honesty I've never given this man in the last 16teen years or 13 of them married years a good reason to think there was someone else.

 

Wouldn't this be news to the friend you have a crush on and who's band you follow around, flirting with him as you go?

 

Hoplesslyinlovewith, you're not the first person to confuse two overlapping issues, each with their own attached problems. But you do seem to do it more thoroughly than most.

 

As you've been constantly reminded in both threads, fixing your marriage is a full-time, all-hands-on-deck job. Head in one place and heart in another won't work...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

But this Merry-go-round everything is good unless I have a problem bs. and blowing up at me needs to stop ... when we fight I don't call him names or insult him.. but feels like its ok to call me names and cuse at me. and the last five years I have not been in love with him. My mind screams inside my head just get it done and get off of me when we have sex.

 

I told him I love and care about him and there is no one I want to be with, just that he makes it hard on me to be in love with him when He is constantly picking fights and calling me names and embarrassing me in public. When I look in to his eyes I know he loves me but I don't feel the same way.

 

Doesn't sound like any way to live to me.

 

He does stuff that drives you away, then when you drift away emotionally and he realizes it he escalates and does it even more in a dysfunctional effort to bully you back in?

 

If/when you actually divorce have some resources at hand such as a women's shelter IN CASE he escalates to physical violence.

 

I feel like the bad person here, I feel like I am taring a marriage up, just because I want out

 

 

Given what you describe, why would you possibly want to stay in this? This sounds codependent to me (but what do I know).

 

Whichever way you go (attempt to repair marriage or divorce) leave this musician guy out of it. IF you leave, you'll have your pick of actually available men, so don't need to mess up his life. IMO your marriage should stand or fall on it's own merits without outside influence.

[JackieDaniels1977]

Well I get home Monday, and my husband wants to talk... So he said he was sorry and didn't realize that he had that bad of a temper. Then gos on to ask me how can you be in love with my guy friend when you don't know much about him. I told him the better word is Infatuated, I never told you I loved him. So then My husband go's I really think you need to pull your friend aside and tell him how you feel. I told him I wasn't going to do that because he has nothing to do with this and doesn't need to be dragged in to my crap. He go's on to tell me if I want this marriage to work that I need too. And then My husband gos there is no why you want to throw away 13years of marriage and I think your going thought a midlife crisie and I think we can work on this.

I just agreed because I can see now he didn't hear me when I told him I was unhappy and wasn't in love with him.

Then today he asked me if I talked to me friend today and I didn't one because I mite see him once or twice a week depending on where I'm working and We don't text or call its better that way. We sometimes pass messages thought a friend. and again not dragging him thought this mess. My husband looks at me and said your never going to tell him are you? I said no. he could tell I was getting mad and said I don't want to fight. I just know he's not going to drop this. SO I guess we are at an impasses.

[Amethyst68]

I'm sorry but you need to look up the definition of an EA. It may be one sided but from what you say in your posts you are definitely cheating and your husband is smart enough to see it.

 

I'm not sure what it is you want. You don't need your husband's agreement to separate or file for divorce. The man wants to work on the marriage, you don't so tell him and move on with the practicalities.

 

Edited to add: You keep saying there's nothing going on with this friend but you post continuously about him. You go out almost every weekend to bars to follow this married man's band. Not the actions of a dedicated mother or wife. I doubt his wife would be happy to hear about the situation either. Please stop denying what's going on and at least own your actions. From reading your earlier posts the flirting has been mutual, you can't do anything about the MM's actions but you can begin to respect his wife and their marriage.

Edited October 17, 2019 by Amethyst68

[Mr. Lucky]

Then gos on to ask me how can you be in love with my guy friend when you don't know much about him. I told him the better word is Infatuated, I never told you I loved him. So then My husband go's I really think you need to pull your friend aside and tell him how you feel. I told him I wasn't going to do that because he has nothing to do with this and doesn't need to be dragged in to my crap. He go's on to tell me if I want this marriage to work that I need too.

 

You guys are playing a slightly strange and very dangerous game of marital chicken.

 

Hoplesslyinlovewith, who does your username refer to? If it's not your husband, end this charade, start divorce proceedings and allow both of you to move on with your lives. Your can't advocate for your marriage if there's no fight left in you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JackieDaniels1977]

name is just something I picked, I wasn't thinking of anybody when I picked it.

I know between this post and the other post I have done in the last few months make look like a hoe or as some had said homewrecker but really I'm not.

I started dating when I was 17teen. and counting my husband I have only been with 6 partners. Been loyal and fateful to each one. and it hurts when I married my husband and after having our kid sits there and blamed me for everything that was wrong with us. from then I have done nothing but deal with him and putting up with him and him putting down my parents. and I know people fight and have disagreement but How much does someone have to put up with before they snap like I did. hell I even loss friends because he made me lie to them or unfriend them. That's one of the many reason I do go out. Because I don't have a big circle of friends. and I like meeting new people. I know the few post where I shared I had a crush on someone. makes me look like an ass. and this Marriage is what I made of it but I had help getting here. and yes I should have never shared anything on here. but I needed to vent I cant vent on facebook because My husband looks through it and plays a hundred and one questions on everything I post.

[Mr. Lucky]

and yes I should have never shared anything on here. but I needed to vent

 

Certainly disagree with this, this is exactly the place you should vent. But you're confusing two different things.

 

Do you have a right to feel disconnected from your marriage based on your husbands actions? Yes, you do...

 

Does that feeling entitle you to go outside your marriage to find a connection with a married man? Of course not...

 

You have a mess at home. Cleaning that up first allows you to make clear decisions about your life. IF you're going to work on your marriage, start that without the distractions of a 'crush'. Go no contact with the music man and focus on rebuilding a bridge with your spouse.

 

If you're going to separate, get that done so you know where you stand. Your current 'one foot it, one foot out' stance does you no favors...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

I should have never shared anything on here.

 

This is the best place for you to vent! You're not always going to hear what you want to hear out here, but you will hear from people who have been where you are right now.

 

1. If you do not want to be married to your husband and that is your final decision, then you need to file for divorce (but still go NC with the other guy - he's a married man).

 

2. If you do want to give your marriage a chance, you cannot do that while your attention is focused on this other guy in the band. You should look into marriage counseling with your husband and go NC with this other guy. Even if you decide to divorce your husband, the other guy is married - off limits - and you still need to stop all contact with him.

[Buffer]

I fully support you in your endevours to D from your loveless marriage, however; my post is going to sound a bit harsh but I am looking at your husbands point of view.

Well I get home Monday, and my husband wants to talk... .

This is good, you got to where you both are due to the lack of communication between the two of you.

So he said he was sorry and didn't realize that he had that bad of a temper.[/Quote]This is also good how many discussion have you had and never highlighted his temper? He should seek assistance in anger management. Has he ever been asked why he is so angery all of the time?

Then goes on to ask me how can you be in love with my guy friend when you don't know much about him. I told him the better word is Infatuated... So then My husband go's I really think you need to pull your friend aside and tell him how you feel.

A valid question with a valid response. Sounds like you are in a one sided EA. As this has assisted your decission making. Enjoying going out listening to the band, drinking, meeting new people etc. Can I ask who is looking after your little one? I didn't pick up where the child is when Hubby is working and you are meeting new people socialising. There is nothing wrong with this, (just asking).

I told him I wasn't goinng to do that because he has nothing to do with this and doesn't need to be dragged in to my crap.

In hubby's mind it does have a big something to do with it. Also even if you 100% won't act on your infatuation, Hubby still thinks you might. What does the man's wife think of your infatuation for her husband?

Again not having a go just puting the question out there.

He go's on to tell me if I want this marriage to work.

Clearly you have already left the marriage. Hubby is in the pick me mind still.

Hubby sees co parenting issues and separate lives, he is clutching at straws. Trying to MC to save it.

Please please don't let him think you have a change a R. Your gone. Saying when you are intimate that you want him off you. Man there is no R.

Time to have hubby served with D papers, be nice go 50/50 with everything.

As you said you 'just agreed due to him geting angery as he didn't hear you say You Wasn't in Love With Him'. Sounds like he is frustrated that his marriage is coming to a end.

Then today he asked me if I talked to me friend today and I didn't one because I mite see him once or twice a week depending on where I'm working and We don't text or call its better that way. We somtimes pass messages through a friend.

So again frustration on Hubby's behalf, his wife is infatuated with another man, she won't tell that man about it. You are eager to continue to see him and have friends assisting with the message passing. This friend is no friend of Hubby this firend is toxic to Hubby's marriage.

My husband looks at me and said your never going to tell him are you? I said no. he could tell I was getting mad and said I don't want to fight. I just know he's not going to drop this. SO I guess we are at an impasses.

Hubby is getting the message here you are out, he has no chance of R.

How to do the D as painlessly for the both of you. That will never happen.

It is a ceasation of a union of two parents and a 50/50 slpit of assets and child.

 

But you can assit your STBEXH give him supporting information, quide him towards IC and Anger Management.

 

Verbal, financial, emotional abuse is never acceptable even when the marriage is coming to a end. Tell him that when the discussion is getting heated as he isn't hearing you, rephrase the conversation, talk in a soft tone, remine him that it isn't all about him but a happy co parenting arrangement that will mutually support #1 person in this and that is your child.

Respect and good luck to you in your furure endevours.

[JackieDaniels1977]

You are right!

my kid either go's to her friends house or stays home with grandma. when I go out.

my husband took the complaint as we need to do things diffently in the bed room he still doesn't hear that I'm not interested. and has done like everytime we have a fall out, makes like it didn't happened and moves on and yes I have told him many many times his temp and fits is whats killing us. he says he is sorry and will work on it and Repet, Then expects me to want to jump in to bed with he like nothing happed.

As for my guy friend, he's had the opportunity to let his wife and I meet and went out of his way to keep us apart. His wife see's me on their shared facebook page and never says anything. She comes to none of his shows. He is always finds time for me. We work out of the same place doing delivery and we don't aways go the same places. Yes I did tell him I had a crush on him a few months ago. and he was a little distant for about a week, and then went back to being good with me again. and we talk a lot more. He told me the other night when we we're talking about our problems. the only time him and his wife don't fight is when she's asleep.

[Buffer]

Hi hopeless

 

So his wife suspects you two, he complains about his wife to you after you told him of your feelings. You use friends to pass messages. You want a D.

 

He is grooming you, manipulating you and gaslighting his wife.

Did your dissatisfaction peak/increase with your BS after starting this EA/infatuation with the meet OM?

 

I am not saying you weren’t dissatisfied with your BS prior to meeting OM but truthfully have you picked up on hubby’s habits more since you started this EA?

 

Have you ever booked any IC for hubby’s anger management?

 

I feel you are really wanting to set up happy families with OM but don’t want to admit it. (Just me)

 

Three questions:

With co parenting your daughter will you let hubby have primary custody?

How will you go when your daughter call your STBEXH new spouse mom?

How will you cope if your OM won’t leave his wife?

 

These are the realities of life post D, I can’t see your new beau leaving his wife, he is enjoying the attention of at home and at the bar! If his wife came to the gigs how would it go. I believe he tells her not to come.

 

As I said before there is never an excuse for verbal, physical, psychological, financial abuse. Real people treat women with courtesy and respect ✊ even though it should always be a two way street.

 

I respect your decision either way take care of #1 and support BS when served, start D now she prolong the pain.

Edited October 23, 2019 by Buffer
Spelling

[JackieDaniels1977]

Either way I go, I'm going to be wrong. And from others someone is going to get hurt. I try to keep alot of this away from my kid. Sometimes is does happen in front of her and she knows and she talks to me about it later.

My husband and I were having problems way before. My friend started even really talking to me. And its been this whole year we've been really getting to know and talk and hang out more. One of are other coworkers asked him if there was something going on between us. His response was. "She's married and I'm married and there is no way she wants me. " but I have know him to say stuff like that when people start asking questions. But lately he's even stopped deflecting people when they start asking. We just ignore them and keep talking.

Will he ever leave his wife mostly not. He's getting attention from both sides. Yes. I know this marriage of mine will come to and end. And I 'm ok being alone or how ever it may work out.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes. I know this marriage of mine will come to and end. And I 'm ok being alone or how ever it may work out.

 

You can blame your husband for all your problems, and much of that may be true. But none of that excuses putting yourself in the middle of another marriage, regardless of what your 'friend' might tell you.

 

Hoplesslyinlovewith, want a better life? Start making better choices, beginning with modeling behavior you'd want your child to see.

 

This ain't it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

^^^^ Agree. Really this emotional affair (EA) you're having is just helping you and the musician guy to temporarily ease the pain of your unhappy marriages (assuming what he says is true).

 

But your marriage and his marriage will ultimately either stand or fall on their own accord.

 

Really the thing to do here IMO is to make your own decision about whether to attempt to work on your marriage or not and leave the musician guy out of it. Let him sort out his issues on his own.

[Buffer]

Man, you are one cold person, sorry.

I feel for hubby and daughter.

Good luck ?

[JackieDaniels1977]

Well update:

Hubby still trying to make a dead horse walk and I still really don't want tomake it work. And My friend opened up to me the other night that him and his wife have been married 20+ years and they haven't had sex in years and she doesn't come to the shows to support him because she doesn't care about him, they don't have kids and he didn't know it until after they were married. and a hole bunch of other stuff. So why I'm I colds hearted when we both want to move on and ours patners will not let go. I wanted to tell him how I feel about him . but decided I would work on our friendship and let the cards fall where they land.

[mark clemson]

Although I'm not recommending it, f you're really that unhappy, shouldn't you just leave?

 

If he's really that unhappy, shouldn't he just divorce her?

 

If you do leave, stay out of his life so he can make his own decision about what to do about his (apparently) unhappy marriage.

 

One irony of things like this is that they make it easier for (both of) you to stay married. Tends to provide a welcome distraction/ease the pain, etc etc.

[healing light]

ours patners will not let go

 

Why is it up to your partners? You're the one that doesn't want to uphold your marriage. You have every right to leave if you're not happy, and, frankly, it's more merciful to take steps towards divorce than keep your husband in a frantic state of limbo hoping to reignite a spark that has already fanned out.

[Mr. Lucky]

So why I'm I colds hearted when we both want to move on and ours patners will not let go.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but you’ve been a coward for a long time. You’ve snuck around, gaslighted your husband, denied his suspicions and are even now afraid to get real about your feelings. So you’ll mope about and wait for someone else to make your decisions for you.

 

In short, not much ownership of your own life. Strikes me as a lousy way to live, a thought your continued discomfort backs up. Might be time for a change - in your approach, if nothing else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ctdans]

I know I am late but I have to say something.

 

In your opening post you said you made a MISTAKE in getting married. I have to agree. You are not happy and haven't been ever. You have an emotional affair going with a married man. You owe it to your HUSBAND to get a divorce.

 

It will hurt him, yes. But you do not have a loving marriage and before you show him any additional disrespect by having a physical affair and then potentially ruining a second marriage just end it.

 

And do you really believe the other guy when he says his wife hasn't had sex with him for years? Come on! He just wants in your pants as much as you want in his. I bet if you asked him divorce his wife he would balk.

[Buffer]

Hi young lady,

 

So his wife doesn’t support him, doesn’t have sex. He cannot tell her but can tell you.

He is grooming you! Can you check his story? Don’t be the other woman in a four way relationship.

D husband and then do what you want.

Just pay child support and go have the life you want. Have your daughter on the weekends when you Married Other Man is with his wife not at his gigs.

[Inspire]

What's interesting is in your other thread you said:

 

"The last three years I have had a crush on a friend of mind and ignored it up until this last year. My husband is jealous every time I go out to see him and his band but there really isn't anything to be jealous about because they are all married."

 

In hindsight your husband had every right to be jealous. What may have started as something innocent has manifested itself into something much more.

 

You're having an emotional affair and eventually I suspect it will lead to something physical. Both you and this man seem contempt to wallow in misery but it doesn't have to be this way.