Should I be upset?

[flyty6000]

I feel really deceived and weird about this. Now my s/o has lied and been sneaky in the past but that was years ago. Things have been smooth sailing until tis

 

My significant other got hired at a previous job by a guy we will call "Bob". Bob left that job and she took over his position and stayed there a few years. They kept in touch i know but never heard much about him.

 

So about 1 year ago she started a new job. She is a manager of one department and she sometimes is on the phone and texting with a manager of another department named "Bob" supposedly about work related things. I didnt' think anything of it. Then one day I was looking at her social media and she is friends with her old boss"Bob" and his job title is a manager at her current job!

 

So I called her and said is "Bob" you work with "Bob from your old job? She goes to me no, there's a lot of Bob's out there it's a different Bob. Then I said listen I know it's the same guy. After her lying and denying it again to me I hung up the phone. She comes home and fessed up that yes it was the same "Bob" but she didn't understand what I was asking her on the phone (which is b.s.) and that she didnt think it was important to tell me that it was him that she was working with this whole time. Almost looked like she was going to cry and then asked me what do you think I am screwing him?? I was blown away and didn't know how to answer that. I was speechless to be honest

 

I feel lied to hurt and betrayed. We have a kid together and things have been good. But I dont know now this is really weird and feels strange to me. Why would someone hide someone like that and flat out lie about it? How should I handle this moving forward. Thanks for your help

Edited October 13, 2019 by flyty6000

[smackie9]

Well could it be you are a jealous person? and you were jealous of Bob in the past? Have you accused her of infidelity in the past? You have anger issues when it comes to topics like this? Not all lies are about keeping things secret, but avoiding accusations, and hostile reactions.

[flyty6000]

Well could it be you are a jealous person? and you were jealous of Bob in the past? Have you accused her of infidelity in the past? You have anger issues when it comes to topics like this? Not all lies are about keeping things secret, but avoiding accusations, and hostile reactions.

 

I've never accused anything about him before. We actually never even spoke of him before this happened. Which is why I say it's strange.

[MsJayne]

My guess would be that she only got her new job because of her friendship with Bob, and perhaps Bob told her to keep quiet because of the professional connotations of that, especially if it's a position which other people within that company also applied for. In that situation people can get pretty snaky if an outsider is given preference over loyal employees. The thing that would most annoy me is that she tried to BS about her response when you asked questions. That, and the fact that, if my guess is right, she and Bob are a shifty, self-serving pair who can't be trusted by their colleagues or their employers. Of course, I could be completely wrong.

[schlumpy]

Quit accusing her and quit confronting her. Whatever is going on between her and Bob is now deep underground.

 

Once she relaxes that the crisis is over is the time to start snooping and digging. If you know some of her co-workers see if you can get a story from them.

 

GPS the car and install a voice activated recorder to catch any clandestine phone calls.

 

None of the VAR recordings are legally useful but they sure are useful to understand what is going on.

 

Never reveal the sources of your information.

 

Get the radar up and running. Something hit her very hard when you confronted her about Bob and she panicked. You have to find out what that is.

 

Sorry this happening to you.

[smackie9]

I've never accused anything about him before. We actually never even spoke of him before this happened. Which is why I say it's strange.

I never meant him in particular, but in general.

[Flame Aura]

She straight up lied to you - the reason really doesn't matter. That would be enough reason to end things for me personally as the trust would be gone and without trust there is no relationship.

[flyty6000]

I appreciate all the replies and support here it's a tough situation i'm in here.

[FMW]

Well as they say, where there's smoke there's fire - and there is definitely a haze here.

[Maddie82]

So...you feel betrayed because she is working with the same guy. Am i missing something? It sounds to me like you a very insecure person OP and I'm guessing you have questioned her about him in the past. This is why she didn't tell you she was working with him again. What do you think she is doing exactly? Because from what you have said, it doesn't sound like she has done anything wrong and your relationship is going good.

[kendahke]

Almost looked like she was going to cry and then asked me what do you think I am screwing him?? I was blown away and didn't know how to answer that.

 

Well, do you? The whole tenor of your post insinuates that.

 

So you stalked her social media--did they have inappropriate conversations about sex? Are they making plans to rendezvous? Exactly what is the problem in their correspondences?

 

I'm going to guess that she knows exactly who she's dealing with when it comes to you and she chose to avoid a whole lot of unnecessary jealous silliness.

 

If it bothers you that much, tell her that you stalked her social media and discovered that she and Bob were talking and it's the same Bob she used to work with and somehow, you're jealous and angry over nothing having gone down between the two of them and you're leaving and taking the kid with you.

Edited October 15, 2019 by kendahke

[flyty6000]

Well, do you? The whole tenor of your post insinuates that.

 

So you stalked her social media--did they have inappropriate conversations about sex? Are they making plans to rendezvous? Exactly what is the problem in their correspondences?

 

I'm going to guess that she knows exactly who she's dealing with when it comes to you and she chose to avoid a whole lot of unnecessary jealous silliness.

 

If it bothers you that much, tell her that you stalked her social media and discovered that she and Bob were talking and it's the same Bob she used to work with and somehow, you're jealous and angry over nothing having gone down between the two of them and you're leaving and taking the kid with you.

 

I never even looked or overheard their correspondences. I wasn't stalking her social media, she's friends with Bob and his girlfriend on social media. I happened to be looking at some of her old posts of us and saw he liked one and on his social media it had his job title. It was just a coincidence of me clicking on it.

 

My problem isn't anything about a sexual relationship between her and Bob, it's about bold face lying about it to me when I asked a simple question if it was the same guy who worked with her, if she said oh yea that's the same Bob, this post wouldn't even be here, it wouldn't be an issue at all. It's the fact of lying about it, which isn't cool when you're in a relationship. Honesty is everything. My issue is why lie about it?

[Maddie82]

It's the fact of lying about it, which isn't cool when you're in a relationship. Honesty is everything. My issue is why lie about it?

 

Because she knew that you would overreact and get all insecure about it and make a big deal out of nothing.

Edited October 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[smackie9]

Ask her....ask her why she lied about it.

[notbroken]

A person that tells small lies also tells big ones. I'd start by telling her you are very disappointed she mislead you about that - and she did - and that you expect honesty from her always. Then leave it alone. Insecurity is not attractive. Tell her you refuse to be insecure and will believe her but she absolutely has to tell you the truth going forward.

 

She either lied because there IS something going on however small it may be or because she didn't want you to over react (which is still a lie).

[kendahke]

My issue is why lie about it?

 

As I said above: because she knows exactly who she's dealing with. Past is prologue.

 

So if she'd said "Yeah, that's the same Bob", you'd have let it go? Or would you have found something else to hang this angst on?

[mark clemson]

I think, sadly, that letting this die down but then following up to investigate further is probably the right way to go. I'm not going to give you specific advice on how to approach it, but I would suggest you attempt to find out if there is or was anything going on between her and Bob.

 

Maybe there wasn't. Or maybe she had some transitory feelings for him but they are now faded and do not matter, BUT she feels guilty about them. That (and nothing more) could explain her hesitation to be completely honest.

 

There are of course other possibilities. If it was me, I would try to figure out a way to verify that "nothing ever happened" between Bob and her. Probably nothing did, but clearly her behavior is suspicious. Suggest you "trust but verify" to the extent reasonably possible.

[preraph]

Well, I read this and just think there's nothing to be suspicious about and no reason for her to tell you if she ends up working with some random work guy somewhere else. But since she knows you're crazy insecure, she lied when you asked but that doesn't mean there's any reason she should have told you about it. Why are you taking inventory of the men she works with? This sounds like your problem.

[Interstellar]

Why would she deny Bob the first time you asked her if she has nothing to hide?

 

I smell a rat.

 

While I do not condone looking through your significant others phone, etc...you are well within your right if you suspect something and not out of insecurity and need CONCRETE evidence.

[h0000]

You paid a lot of attention on this Bob from the very beginning,years ago. That's why as soon as you see a "Bob" now you immediately think of him. So I dont believe when you say "I never think much about it". On the contrary I think this "Bob" has got you worried from years ago. You'd think you "never even spoke about Bob before this". But truth is she can sense your concern.

 

Now the real question is, why were you worried about Bob? Why then, and why now? Is it something he did? Or she did? Or is it just you being insecure about any close male relationship she has?

[Marc878]

Not sure where all the insecurity conspiracy theory comes from? I'm not seeing it in OP's posts?

 

They worked together before appeared to have not been an issue. From your first post.

 

What is odd is she never brought this up and then lied about it when OP asked.

[h0000]

Not sure where all the insecurity conspiracy theory comes from? I'm not seeing it in OP's posts?

 

Because OP's whole reaction towards Bob doesnt sound like someone who is secure. OP seems very alarmed over this Bob.

 

It seems OP minds a lot about whether this Bob is the old Bob, to the point that he has to confront the GF about it, and being very angry about it. I think OP and his GF had fights before about Bob and he isnt happy with the fact that the two kept in touch. Maybe she did something, maybe it's him, I dont think we can jump to any conclusions before OP gives more info regarding their history

[Gaeta]

Then one day I was looking at her social media and she is friends with her old boss"Bob" and his job title is a manager at her current job!

 

So I called her and said is "Bob" you work with "Bob from your old job?

 

 

You are out of control. So what she is working again with some dude she worked with before? That's none of your business. And on top of that you call her and interrogate her like you're a cop!! I would have hung up on you.

[smackie9]

Not sure where all the insecurity conspiracy theory comes from? I'm not seeing it in OP's posts?

 

It was me that brought it up. We all know people tend to not reveal all the the information, so I called him out on it. IMO and from past experience, the OP wanted things to look a certain way to encourage an outcome of his liking.

[IslandSanctuary]

Personally if I was insecure over something(I am only human, everyone is insecure sometimes - "To be in love is to be insecure.") I'd like my loving partner to be open and honest with me about my insecurities..........

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator