chillii Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 (edited) l use to fall for marrying pressure in my 20s , never did it but l felt huge guilt and pressure with every gf. l did later though, 30ish , when l'd met someone l wanted to marry. And now , god , life eh , what goes around comes around to the end it seems but my gf now brings up marriage all the time , my gf before her after my divorce did too. But these days though l take zero notice of any women younger or older with their marriage talk,or pressure because sadly l just think of 20 yrs time when they're asking for a divorce , or having an affair and blowing up the family to run of with him, or caught up with an old flame on FB from 30yrs ago , or moaning to their friends about their hubby , you name it. So with gf now , it just rolls straight off me. lf l feel like getting married again and to her , l might ask when that time comes but until further notice the rest is water of a ducks back these days for me. Edited October 18, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 Chillii, we women have this funny thing about wanting to have a say in the direction our life is heading. With the women who talk marriage, are you honest about having no intention of marrying....or do you string them along? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 I have no desire for marrying. If I do. Its a woman that really treats me well and stands out from other women. My ex tried to pull that on me. She wanted kids as well. To me its like unless you increase your physical affection towards me and have a little bit more energy when I am around you. Then on my side I can take it to the next level. Due to my experience. I am in a space where a woman it really going to have to charm me into a relationship with her. Gone are my rose colored glasses where I have to be super sweet and what not. I look at Men and Women when they are trying to get together romantically. Men to me are weak when it comes to vetting women. They will just go for anyone that pop into their lives. I have three male friends that did things for their ladies that I can't see the women do for them. TD-Changes his work cycle once a month to visit her for 6 days once a month to be with her in another province with a 14 hour drive. DT-Let his ex GF-CH, come into his life. She was on yr 3 of her sepreation from her ex. She introduced DT to her kids in month 2 of dating. She had his first kid in 2015, it was planned and a second one in 2017. Yet for some reason. She can't get divorced from her Ex who now has a new GF going on 3 yrs now. DT also moved in with her and pays the mortgage. DT also proposed marriage and they are engaged, but CH's ex for some reason is stalling the Divorce, due to woding of the child custody paperwork, even though both the 2 kids are close to 18. GJ- His GF-M has bi-polar and anxiety problems and can't work, although she was when they first met. She has GJ wrapped around her finger to the point where GJ's son had some problems and had to go to a treatment centre. GJ wanted to go and live with M in another province and leave his son in the Treatment centre. He claimed they could FaceTime. I took GJ out for Dinner and asked him if he could delay going to another province to be with M. GJ said that he as always delayed things in his life. The Truth is that GF's are a Linus blanket for GJ. Can't live without a GF. He has had 3 in 30 yrs and he himself has not filed for Divorce from his wife. All these things are not happening to me if I can control it. For some reason it feels like today. Love relationships are not as smooth as they were in the past. I wonder if the exposure of TV/Social Media has distorted our expectations of what a romantic relationship should be like. I look at my friends and the ones that are single and attached and to me. I can't see any major reasons between the Married and Single guys that they are married, except if feels like the Women in the Married/Attached groups were more the driving force in getting the couples together. I think that relationships some of them not all are overrated. My female friend AG almost was going to divorce her husband. They were together at 18 yr at that point. Myself and her Sister intervened in our own way and talked her out of it. Perhaps we are all restless and its going to be for at least 90% of us. Having a lot of romantic partners until we die. Add to that a couple has to have more bonds than just the kids to keep them together for life. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 (edited) Chillii, we women have this funny thing about wanting to have a say in the direction our life is heading. With the women who talk marriage, are you honest about having no intention of marrying....or do you string them along? yeah right , l guess that would describe it then and fair enough. But the pressuring was pretty bad, not like woman mc's talking about type pressure couldn't stand that but l'd be aware and little things would come out. But l was always honest , l didn't' know yet, and l got the ass a few times for it haha which was fair enough though. gf now , she knows exactly how l feel and l'd def' like to to, l mainly just want a bit more time we haven't been together that long. Edited October 18, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 As long as you're honest Chills...that's what counts. It's the "I'll talk about marriage if and when I'm ready" which gets my craw. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 too many cooks in the kitchen spoils the broth I didn’t need what she meant to be explained to me. I was asking her for evidence based research to back up her claim. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 So it was a rhetorical question then Greymatter. These women mentioned were, as you might imagine, aggressive and demanding and it was all about them not the other person in question. This could go with the great contradiction in life : while they say they want good and kind people, women go for bad boys and men go for trashy girls. I am thinking about the men in these situations - are they this weak that they just go along with it? Do they not think that once they do the deed (as in marrying) that they will be free of troubles? Any insights or thoughts on this? I have learned not to judge people who I know little to nothing about. I have also learned not to judge pretty much all the time. There are few people who are consistently hostile/vitriolic. These people usually make the news. I don't see men as weak or women either. Relationships, marriage, children, are a more complex dynamic than good person/bad person. People tend to be with and gravitate toward what is most comfortable for themselves. One person may find such an attraction inexplicable for themselves, but then it isn't them, is it. It's a journey and who is to say what is correct or not for someone other than themselves. Best to tend to one's own path. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 I've noticed that a lot of married women are very demanding of their husbands, almost as if she's the boss and he's the employee, giving him a concrete "honey-do list" as if he's her servant. Often the man goes along with the act, joking about all his husband duties. I guess this is where the "ball and chain" idiom comes from. A lot of projection going on in this thread. Why is how other people conduct themselves in relationships a thing for outsiders to be concerned or even outraged about? I'm now divorced but my marriage was strong and happy for years; my ex will agree. This confession might mark me as a weakass male forever: I enjoyed my "honey do" list. We had a traditional type of "division of duties" that worked for us. She was home more than I was and in touch with what needed doing around the place. Having a list helped me fit it into my time. In fact, we had more conflict when she just sprung stuff on me willy nilly. As for the rest of this - seriously who cares who proposes or what gender does what. If a man is passive, a more aggressive type of woman is going to be the best fit for him. If he needed to be the leader in those scenarios I'm sure he would have been. "Bad boys" and "trashy women"? Come on. People making important relationship choices because of pressure - whether we're talking about marriage, having children, being exclusive, having sex - is not good. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 I suppose they endure it for the kids. Meanwhile, they're venting, often, to female coworkers like me, some of them no doubt having affairs with women who aren't constantly busting their balls. The last time my department had a happy hour at the end of the day, two married men (both highly desirable men) expressed how hard it was to leave and go home to their complaining wives. How sad! It's tragic Ruby, my heart bleeds for them. Seriously, this made me laugh so hard which is fun, thank you for that. You sound ripe for the role of mistress to one of these distressed married men. With your boundaries firmly in place, it's best to not pander to colleagues seeking a naive and sympathetic ear which is at best is insulting to your own common sense. This grooming is trite and you are smarter than that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 18, 2019 Share Posted October 18, 2019 It seems my last post in this thread was deleted, though I didn't say anything inflammatory, if anything softened what I'd expressed earlier. I guess my opinions on the matter are too controversial, so I'll excuse myself from the thread. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 What evidence is that statement based on? You do know major_merrick is in what appears to be open polygamous marriage? She has girlfriends, he has multiple wives. (just gleaning this from posts so if I am wrong I do apologize) I will take her word for it that in that kind of relationship she is 100% correct. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 Do some of you realize that it's 2019, not 1819? Granted, yelling at your partner never solves anything, and nobody should do that. But that has nothing whatsoever to do with "roles" or the reversal thereof. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 What year it is has nothing to do with the concept that nobody should give up their self respect in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 What year it is has nothing to do with the concept that nobody should give up their self respect in a relationship. Nobody should give up their self respect indeed - this applies to everyone regardless of what genitals they were born with. That's the whole point of the "2019" part. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 Do some of you realize that it's 2019, not 1819? Granted, yelling at your partner never solves anything, and nobody should do that. But that has nothing whatsoever to do with "roles" or the reversal thereof. I do I want a partner, in it together, one may take the lead on something they are better at than the other, or enjoy doing more. I want a partner who is smart, so I can get the benefit of her insights and experiences as well on life problems to compliment my own; and together we would be invincible If it is a loving relationship it works itself out in my opinion and limited experience, disagreements solved by communication, mutual respect and a shared desire to solve the problem...not vent ones spleen for vindication and validation over relationship hurts past or present. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 Nobody should give up their self respect indeed - this applies to everyone regardless of what genitals they were born with. That's the whole point of the "2019" part. This is true but men do need to get the message that having self respect and not putting up with mistreatment is not a display of toxic masculinity and does not mean that you want a doormat. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 This is true but men do need to get the message that having self respect and not putting up with mistreatment is not a display of toxic masculinity and does not mean that you want a doormat. You do realize that calling this a "role reversal" implies that it's OK when the mistreatment is done by the man, right? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 You do realize that calling this a "role reversal" implies that it's OK when the mistreatment is done by the man, right? True and it is a bad thread title. That being said teaching men to be weak and less confident is not going to make women stronger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 (edited) Nobody is talking about teaching men to be weak and less confident. The discussion is mostly that shouting at a partner is not a gender specific trait. And what reasonable person would call walking away from an abusive marriage a toxic act by a man? Or for that matter, what reasonable person would think that a woman walking away from abuse is toxic on her part either? I can't see how you're making the connection. Edited October 21, 2019 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 You do know major_merrick is in what appears to be open polygamous marriage? She has girlfriends, he has multiple wives. (just gleaning this from posts so if I am wrong I do apologize) I will take her word for it that in that kind of relationship she is 100% correct. No problem, you are correct and yes I’m very aware of her situation. I would never be interested in polyamory personally but know a few people who are including someone close to me and there is no chaos where there are equal household partners. Those folks tend to be quite into equality (whatever their gender) when it comes to power in those relationships. I’m sure it very much depends on the individuals involved and all (of their personal characteristics) that they bring to the mix. If MM is citing polyamory research that points to chaos when there are equal partners, I’d be interested to hear about it, hence my question about evidence. I think it is specific to her situation though but she asserted it as if it’s true for everyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 @greymatter I agree, seen more harmony in marriages where it is a partnership percentage wise than in a traditional man has the final say marriages (arising from traditional/ religious beliefs on both spouses part). Bottom line the man may have the “final” say but if the wife wasn’t happy not good, and almost always under the reading he wasn’t being godly enough or a man or some such. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 Any relationship is better when there is no boot on anybody's neck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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