Wife left

[JH2017]

My wife and I have been together for 7 years (married 3). We have a 2 year old girl. In the last 18 months my wife has gone through both physical trauma (assaulted at work) and emotional trauma (mentally ill mother, domestic violence issues with her, resulting in restraining order). In this 12 months I had to study for important career progressing exams (medical) for 6 months and with the stress of her mother I didn’t pass. During that study she was taking on a lot of household responsibilities.

 

For the last 5 months my wife has been struggling with what has been diagnosed with PTSD. I dropped everything- reduced work hours, taking care of our daughter, putting off exam for as long as needed and literally doing everything for my wife.

 

She began seeing a psychologist (having seen GP and psychiatrist and medicated appropriately). Despite this psychologist being a performance psychologist, my wife felt he understood what she was going through. Seemed positive.

 

For the last 3 weeks she had been pretty low ( death of friends husband, another older friend going through chemo)- a lot going on! So 10 days ago she got into see her psychologist having not seen him for two weeks.

 

I looked forward to her call afterwards, as she usually feels positive afterwards. However, when I got the call I was shocked- she told me she wanted a separation and will be moving out. I went home and after a long chat all she could tell me was she wasn’t happy in the relationship, but couldn’t tell me why.

She spoke about co-parenting etc. the next day (Thursday) she had found somewhere, and signed up for 6 month lease, and by Tuesday (after bank holiday Monday) moved out.

 

I am absolutely shocked. I thought we had a good relationship, never had big arguments , same interests etc. she said she still loved me and that attraction etc wasn’t an issue, but will not talk about it anymore. I don’t understand how she cannot want to try things to help before moving out for the sake of our daughter- she says she’s doing it for our daughter.

 

I’ve done a lot of reading and it sounds like ‘walking wife syndrome’ and I guess i know this is the end of the relationship in my heart, which is breaking for my daughter. I just wanted to hear what you guys thought about the situation

[Marc878]

Let her go. You can't fix her. Plus you can't make anyone do anything.

 

She wanted separation I'd give to her. Only text or email about your child only.

 

You do the cry, beg, plead and chase they only move farther away.

[preraph]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you really did your best.

 

I don't know what she means about she did it for the daughter. To me, unless you two are fighting a lot in front of her, that makes no sense.

 

The only sense I can make of it, having had PTSD (a lesser intensity than what she likely has from physical trauma) is that you just can't handle anything. You just want to simplify. Not sure moving out IS going to simplify her life or just make it more hectic. You will run off people just to not have to deal with things. She took on the worry of other people's problems and maybe, who knows, that was the last straw, as she just doesn't need to be worrying about anyone else.

 

You must get joint custody of your child, though. All courts will give that to you as long as you can take care of her 3 and half days or pay someone reliable to do so. This will give her more time to herself to gather her wits. PTSD doesn't easily go away, if ever. I'm glad she's in treatment, but she may never be the same and always have PTSD problems and the resultant depression that comes with that (it's a very irritating disease - tiring - can't stop your thoughts).

 

She may change her mind, but she sure did get out the door quickly, which is very surprising since most depressed or people with PTSD are pretty indecisive.

 

Get an attorney and get your child half the week like most divorced couples do. It won't be hard unless there was violence on your part or excessive substance abuse, something like that. On her part, her mental issues are being treated, but still, she's not very stable. So I would think joint custody is the only solution so you can keep an eye on how things are going.

 

Again, very sorry this is happening so fast. Get a family law attorney involved asap.

[schlumpy]

She's been planning this and suddenly gathered her courage. Who knows what the trigger was.

 

I can imagine how helpless and powerless this must make you feel. She has a head start on you and your feelings for her which she doesn't share even if she told you she did, are going to put you at a disadvantage.

 

Since she wouldn't give any explanation except the generic "I'm not happy" you have to assume the worst. From this moment on don't believe anything she tells you. Only believe what she does. That will tell you what you need to know.

 

Take some time to get yourself under emotional control. Try to go no contact with her except for the children. Don't let her feed you false hope. She either comes back to work on the marriage or its divorce. You can't allow yourself to stay in limbo. You have to take control of your life. Right now, she is in control.

 

Keep your radar up for the other man. As repugnant a thought as it is, you have to consider it. You don't want to end up being her plan B. Start with her phone records and look for a frequent odd phone number.

 

You should buy a voice activated recorder and from now on, record any conversation you have with her. They are very small and easy to conceal.

 

Document any odd behavior in case there is a custody fight for the children.

 

Separate your finances and let her find herself on her on dime. If you are paying for her phone or car - don't do it. Her responsibility now.

 

Go see a good attorney and take their advice.

 

You will have to protect yourself and your children because you cannot trust your wife to make decisions that are in your interest.

 

 

Take care.

Edited October 14, 2019 by schlumpy

[Mr. Lucky]

She has a head start on you and your feelings for her which she doesn't share even if she told you she did, are going to put you at a disadvantage.

 

schlumpy is right , this is always the advantage the dumper has over the dumpee. The feelings of disorientation and disbelief you're feeling she processed months ago, probably as part of everything else you thought she was dealing with. So while you're asking "why", she's already moved on to when, where and how.

 

Hope for the best, but my friend you should plan for the worst. As stated, these does include retaining an attorney to sort through the various legal, financial and custody issues involved.

 

Sorry this has happened. Keep posting, lots of support here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

Sorry to hear this happened to you. Agree that the advice above is basically spot-on. As tough as it is, you'll need to separate out your emotions from your actions in order to move forward. Consider IC if you feel you need it.

 

Beware of subtle efforts on the part of attorneys to make the two of you hate each other (and thus spend more money in filings, court battles, etc). For example, the suggestion of having the other person served divorce papers at work. IMO it humiliates them in front of their peers - leading them to want to "hurt" you back - often via their attorney. IMO some of them try to get a lot more money out of you by "doing what you ask" (once you're angry) instead of doing what's likely to end things quickly and amicably.

[staygrateful]

My wife and I have been together for 7 years (married 3). We have a 2 year old girl. In the last 18 months my wife has gone through both physical trauma (assaulted at work) and emotional trauma (mentally ill mother, domestic violence issues with her, resulting in restraining order). In this 12 months I had to study for important career progressing exams (medical) for 6 months and with the stress of her mother I didn’t pass. During that study she was taking on a lot of household responsibilities.

 

For the last 5 months my wife has been struggling with what has been diagnosed with PTSD. I dropped everything- reduced work hours, taking care of our daughter, putting off exam for as long as needed and literally doing everything for my wife.

 

She began seeing a psychologist (having seen GP and psychiatrist and medicated appropriately). Despite this psychologist being a performance psychologist, my wife felt he understood what she was going through. Seemed positive.

 

For the last 3 weeks she had been pretty low ( death of friends husband, another older friend going through chemo)- a lot going on! So 10 days ago she got into see her psychologist having not seen him for two weeks.

 

I looked forward to her call afterwards, as she usually feels positive afterwards. However, when I got the call I was shocked- she told me she wanted a separation and will be moving out. I went home and after a long chat all she could tell me was she wasn’t happy in the relationship, but couldn’t tell me why.

She spoke about co-parenting etc. the next day (Thursday) she had found somewhere, and signed up for 6 month lease, and by Tuesday (after bank holiday Monday) moved out.

 

I am absolutely shocked. I thought we had a good relationship, never had big arguments , same interests etc. she said she still loved me and that attraction etc wasn’t an issue, but will not talk about it anymore. I don’t understand how she cannot want to try things to help before moving out for the sake of our daughter- she says she’s doing it for our daughter.

 

I’ve done a lot of reading and it sounds like ‘walking wife syndrome’ and I guess i know this is the end of the relationship in my heart, which is breaking for my daughter. I just wanted to hear what you guys thought about the situation

 

 

 

 

I can offer an ear to listen to for any venting you need to get off your chest. I am currently going through a very similar situation. Only difference is my wife's been gone longer and has already moved on and committed adultery. The pain is almost unbearable but all I can do is just read on here, other blogs and am going to pick up some books on how to pick up the pieces and move on with my life. My wife also suffered from ptsd and had really bad anxiety. She also has issues with her mother(although not as severe). They seem to share many similarities.

 

 

 

Strange how she says she still loves you and the attraction is still there but refuses to speak further about it. Is she IN love with you or loves you? Just so odd that you drop everything for her and to be there and be supportive and this is the decision she makes. Do you suspect possibly another man in the picture? In my situation the other man didn't come along until after we had been living apart but I still had high hopes of working our marriage out. I actually was sure we would be getting back together that maybe we just needed time apart. Just insane to me how you think you know a woman and consider them your best friend/your everything and they can just drop you like you meant nothing to them that quick. Sorry to hear what you're going through. Just know others are right here with you.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sorry to hear of this ... and the surprise sounds positively disorienting.

 

My first reaction is that this may not have to do with you ... as crazy as that seems. The assault, the PTSD ... those might might have brought up some long-dormant or semi-dormant issue that she came to in her recent therapy session ... and now that issue is demanding attention.

 

When she says she's leaving for the daughter, she might not be b.s.-ing you ... Could be that intimacy with you and the daughter is too much for her right now ... and the only way she can imagine fully breathing is to be alone--and it's not about your flaws or problems with you.

 

Did you say her mother was violent? That ain't good. Probably a history of violence against your wife when your wife was a kid.

 

I need to share a perspective with you and it is a disturbing one. Something about the speed of your wife's announcement to you and her moving out--something about that reminded me of a couple of people in my life who ere going through horrible periods. Both of these people suddenly, removed themselves from a situation. And basically the times this happened ... were times that these people were having horrible, morbid, disturbing fantasies and thoughts-- thoughts of harming others nearby and harming themselves.

 

So here we go. Perhaps your wife had some scary moments of imagining being violent with your daughter, harming your daughter. You can imagine how frightening that would be to her ... and how reluctant she would be to tell you about this. Heck the people I knew who had these dark thoughts ... didn't want to admit to themselves what was going on in their minds--until one moment they admitted it and they took immediate action.

 

I can't help but notice you have such a young daughter. Any chance your wife has been in some horrible post-partum depression or had post-partum after the birth of your daughter? I once attended a training with a woman who for a weekend had run away from her husband and other children and gone off with her baby thinking she was going to kill herself and kill the baby. She felt so horribly guilty and embarrassed even years later, despite not harming the baby and despite now knowing she had a severe postpartum reaction at the time. Your daughter is only 2 ... I'm wondering if there is some serious post-partum depression which when combined with mother-inflicted violence and PTSD put your wife in an extremely disturbing place.

 

The quick and decisive action suggests to me that she knew she was in dangerous territory of some kind (with fantasies of harming daughter, harming you, harming mother, harming herself) and needed to leave yesterday! She might reached what she thought was the end of her willpower to ignore these delusions and fantasies.

 

Clearly I have no idea what's going on ... and I hope the issue is less extreme than the one I am presenting here. But again, it's the speed of her action--the speed of her sudden removal from the situation--that triggered these scenarios I share with you. BTW: when the two people shared with me what was going on in their minds ... I admired them for taking action and removing themselves from the situations they were in!

 

Violent fantasies or not, has your wife been going to a good psychiatrist? Seems to me that she badly, desperately needs meds, and a top-of-the-line psychiatrist, somebody who might be expensive ... but who can be creative and adjust meds to help her out ... She needs meds and therapy to get out of the bad place she's in.

 

Sorry you're dealing with this.

[confusedinadaze]

Not all, but some men don’t understand their wives being emotional about issues in their lives, other than one’s pertaining to their marriage. It could be that in the past you had a “get over it” attitude. All of a sudden she had to go through a lot to bad experiences and she needs you, but feels you aren’t capable of being there for her ( based on past history) ? Might be wrong but my two cents.

[Just a Guy]

Hi JH, what is the update, if any on your situation? Have you been able to interact positively with your wife since she left or has she made it clear she is not coming back? What about custody of your daughter? Best wishes.

[spiderowl]

I'm so sorry to hear what happened. There seem to be a lot of complex things going on that may or may not be behind all this.

 

Unfortunately, it is possible for one person to come to the conclusion they are in the wrong relationship. If that happens, there is little one can do because it is a feelings thing and based on perceived incompatibilities. When feelings change, there is no point trying to recover them. I only mention the above because posters who have had bad experiences can make it seem like there is wilful betrayal on the part of the person leaving or that they are bad people in some way. If you were in a relationship and, for whatever reason, started to feel it was not right for you, would you stay regardless? Some would but would be unhappy in the relationship.

 

I am not justifying what your wife has done or those of others. Someone checking out like that hits like a bolt out of the blue for the one left behind and is the most painful experience. There is no way one can minimise or justify the hurt caused.

 

I know from my own recent experience that it is possible to be in a relationship and yet feel completely misunderstood and alone. The other person can be doing what they would normally do to try to help but if it does not fit with what you feel you need, they might as well not bother. You have done so much for your wife and this might not be relevant to you at all. You could just have been unlucky in her opting out.

 

So what might help now? I think other men might be better able to offer guidance because they can see it more from your perspective than a woman might. My thoughts are that there must have been some incompatibilities that could not be overcome or your wife is possibly emotionally disturbed in some way. Obviously, one is when leaving a marriage but it may be she is struggling to cope generally and is opting out of everything. I know that incompatibilities can seem unsurmountable when one is dealing with depression and other issues. It can seem all too much to deal with and the tendency is to cut off from any outside pressure.

 

I do not know if any of the above is relevant in your situation. You have done nothing wrong, have tried your best. You have been honourable and kind. Hang on to that knowledge. You could not predict this. Look after yourself and treat yourself kindly. Seek support from friends, family and maybe a therapist. Feeling hurt does not mean there is anything wrong with you, just that you have been plunged into a bad situation.

 

I hope you find the strength to pull yourself through this. I am sure others will support you if they know what has happened so talk to confidants honestly. Cry, it helps to release stress.

 

Thinking of you x