How much physical affection?

[major_merrick]

Someone recently commented that I sit in my husband's lap a lot. Like during a meal. I tend to be affectionate with my partners these days, but I see a lot of threads about people who get little to no physical contact in their relationships. And I'm not talking sex...just general touch.

 

I like sitting in my husband's lap. During Sunday service, I'm in his lap during the sermon and when we stand he's got his arms around me and nobody act like that is abnormal. With my GFs and even my husband's other wives, we're always making contact. Either touching if we pass by each other, or cuddled up in the couch. At night, we're curled up and all twined together. And now that I'm a stay-at-home mother, I've usually got my babies with me. My one year old is close by and frequently in my lap, and my twins are usually in my lap or within reach unless they are sleeping or I'm in my bedroom. My husband's other kids frequently climb all over me or lean up against me.

 

Perhaps for me it is because I didn't grow up with much affection, so I'm making up for it now? Kind of seems like average American society is often anti-touch. So what are average people doing these days?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If I saw a woman sitting in her husband's lap in church on Sunday I'd be SUPER weirded out. It's not at all normal. Not even a little bit. Also, if you're sitting in your husband's lap during dinner, how is he able to eat? I'm recalling my days of a baby on my lap during a meal and how hard it was to eat.

 

It's not normal for adults.

[ajequals]

sitting on his lap is not common. that's not to say I wouldn't like it but not at church.

[carhill]

My ex was a bit hefty so would've crushed my balls sitting on my lap much. However, we often walked holding hands or I would put my arm around her or she around me, embrace from behind, etc, etc. I felt non-sexual physical affection was important to a marriage and she didn't seem to mind that I could tell anyway. To me it was about the connection of being married. IDK, everyone is different I guess. My parents weren't that affectionate though I always felt loved and my style developed on its own. It's kind of like feeling male and hetero. It just is. Sure I can turn it off but when I have those relationships really don't last. It doesn't feel natural.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sitting on his lap at church is not the norm. I would personally feel it was inappropriate to climb into my man’s lap in a place of worship.

 

Sitting in his lap while he’s trying to eat is also rather cumbersome, I would imagine. But if he’s not telling you or hinting at you to stay in your own chair, have at it.

 

My own partner and I typically walk hand-in-hand or with my hand linked through his arm. It’s natural and instinctual for us. We are generally affectionate with each other, but mindful of our surroundings.

 

I don’t think people are anti-touch. I simply think there’s a time and place for physical affection that is context-dependent and varies from one couple to the next.

[BaileyB]

My partner and I are very affectionate- hugging and holding hands.

 

I would never sit in his lap in church. To me, that is very inappropriate in a place of workshop with other people attending. And, he would never want me to sit in his lap when he is eating - it would hinder him too much from eating.

[d0nnivain]

Physical affection is wonderful. PDA is problem. The PUBLIC aspect of it is what causes the problems.

 

A couple sitting in laps in church would be blasphemous IMO. Holding hands, walking arm in arm OK. But anything as overtly sexual as what you are describing has no place in a house of worship but I think your church has different view.

 

DH & I are quite tactile & people have commented but positively as in "that's so cute." We don't make people uncomfortable.

 

Somehow you & your partners may do better to find a balance. Some physical contact but less overtly sexual then you have now.

[schlumpy]

Hi Major.

 

It depends on so many things. How you were brought up. What type of culture you live in. How private or public is your nature. What kind of public censure is to be endured.

 

Basically, affection is a good thing. It's very hard to criticize but like all good things it can be abused.

 

You might be very clingy because of your past or maybe you are an exhibitionist. Perhaps you are staking a claim to your husband that you want the world to see.

 

I guess your motivations are your own.

 

But if your actions made the people around you feel uncomfortable would you stop your activity or tell them to get over it? That you will do what you want when you feel like it.

 

That would be more like "using" affection then "showing" it.

[FMW]

What you do in private is no one else's business, so if you and your husband are happy with it, including sitting on his lap while eating, then go for it.

 

Personally, however, I would think it was extremely odd for an adult to sit in someone's lap in public while eating or while at church. It would definitely make me uncomfortable and I would probably think someone who did that was trying too hard to show they are coupled, or for shock value, or to draw attention.

[BaileyB]

It would definitely make me uncomfortable and I would probably think someone who did that was trying too hard to show they are coupled, or for shock value, or to draw attention.

 

That, or knowing a little more about this particular situation it makes me wonder about an underlying attachment issue.

[Flame Aura]

There are times and places to be physically affectionate and other's when not to be. In your own home behind closed doors sure do what you want.

 

But at church? That's just weird. When in public people don't want to be looking at you getting all physical. It's disrespectful. Although you have a very odd and not normal relationship as it is so that might explain why it's normal to you.

Edited October 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[major_merrick]

It isn't sexual for me. Or particularly inappropriate for our aervices. Worship is fairly charismatic, with people dancing and jumping and others hugging while praying. Granted, I am the only one sitting in my husband's lap, although my GFs tend to curl up like a pair of kittens. I kind of started getting really n my husband's lap when I was dealing with depression. I get that some people might have an issue with PDA, but it isn't like a heavy teenage makeout session. I haven't noticed that people in our community have an issue with it. If they did, I would do something different. Perhaps I am too clingy? I just feel better getting close like that, and I hate feeling alone.

[Shining One]

Also, if you're sitting in your husband's lap during dinner, how is he able to eat?

I was wondering about this too. My closest experience was a woman sitting in my lap at the movie theater. She was short and the guard rail (we were on the second floor) obstructed her view, hence why she sat on my lap. We were just eating popcorn though. I can't imagine it being a pleasant experience trying to use a knife and fork with a fully-grown woman in my lap.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I can't imagine it being a pleasant experience trying to use a knife and fork with a fully-grown woman in my lap.

 

:lmao::lmao: (I literally laughed out loud)

[major_merrick]

I don't think my husband minds. and it isn't like I do it all the time. Last night he wasn't really eating much, and he mostly cooked for me. Back when we were first dating (and young) I'd sleep with him. The bed was too small, and I slept halfways on top of him. He's very accommodating of my peculiarities.

 

I'm guessing the consensus is that most full-grown women don't get as close as I do. And I guess most men don't want their partners being that close?

[Shining One]

There's "normal" closeness and there's inappropriate / inconvenient closeness. I certainly don't want a woman on my lap when I'm eating or doing something similarly engaging. If we're reading or watching a movie, then that's the perfect time to be close.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, for me, the concern with what you’re describing is an almost child-like need for attachment and soothing. It seems less a sign of affection and more like a security blanket to protect you from whatever anxiety you’re experiencing.

 

How would you feel if you couldn’t crawl into his lap at church?

[pepperbird]

It sounds a little inappropriate ( "unto everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven"), however, if the people around you are okay with it, then it probably doesn't matter that much.

 

Why do you feel this drive to be so physically close to him? Is it because you just enjoy it and it makes you happy ( a want) or do you feel it's almost a "need"? If it's a need, why is it there? Are you soothing a wounded part of yourself, trying to bond with him, wanting to mark your territory or does part of you, way deep down, worry he may leave and if you hold on tight enough, he'll want to stay?

 

 

Only you know the answers to this.

[major_merrick]

I enjoy it and it makes me comfortable. But I also feel super safe when I can curl up like that. I think that comes from the fact that when we were young he was the only person who was reliable and constantly there for me.

 

In my other relationships, I am usually in a more dominant/caregiver role. My GFs, the other wives, and my kids are in my lap. The reverse doesn't happen. So getting affection from my husband in that way lets me recharge a bit.

[Els]

We like the whole sitting in lap thing, but there's no effing way we would ever consider it appropriate to do that in public, lol!!

[Kitty Tantrum]

I can't imagine sitting on my fiancé's lap in church, because all of the services I've ever attended have been pretty formal, with reverence being more or less defined as being quiet and still and not really engaged with anything other than listening and reflecting and worshipping. Babies and little kids get a pass, but adults are expected to exemplify reverence during services.

 

Pretty much any other time or place, heck yeah. We never do anything sexual in front of other people, but holding hands, closed-mouth kisses, long hugs, holding each other, arms around each other, etc., and sitting on his lap occasionally (when I was thinner, anyway, now I'm self conscious about it)... if people don't want to see it, they can look away. It's not a public display of sexuality, it's a public display of affection, and I see nothing wrong with that.

 

We share a twin bed, so we're pretty much always touching/cuddling while we sleep. My favorite is to curl up facing him with my head on his bicep and his arms wrapped around me and one knee between his, with my face buried right in the middle of his chest. I stay that way until it gets too warm, and we move when we sleep, but almost always wake up still cuddling in some fashion.

 

There's basically nothing that makes me feel better than having his arms around me with my face in his chest. Not in a sexy way, just warm and calming.

 

Basically, I'm cuddled up to him every chance I get. My kids are cuddled up to me every chance they get. I think it's great! Nobody is deprived of physical affection/comfort in my family.

 

Physical touch is important for most if not all humans, and I dislike that society and culture so often paints it as necessarily sexual and therefore inappropriate in public, or indicative of emotional "problems" to indulge in the simple act of deriving comfort from physical human contact.

 

Lots of folks have dogs as stand-ins for the contact they eschew or otherwise don't have with other humans and engage in open displays of affection with their pets all the time. Is that sexual and inappropriate too? Probably not... for most people... I hope. Point being that physical touch and contact serves many purposes, not just sexual. Physical touch and closeness for comfort doesn't become inappropriate just because it's between a person and their spouse rather than a person and their pet.

[pepperbird]

When my hands aren't too bad, we still hold hands when we shop. We've been married since 97, and we still do it. We aren't religious, so don't go to church.

[Amethyst68]

Do the other wives not feel you are monopolizing your husband's time and attention? Does he do similar things with them?

[major_merrick]

I think Wife #1 was jealous for a while, but we've settled our differences. And she ends up in his lap frequently too. #2 and #4 not so much, but they end up sleeping next to him more at night now so it balances out.

[RecentChange]

To me, and honestly I think many Americas, sitting in laps is for children or sexual in nature.

 

I don't think you will see women sitting on their husband's laps in mainstream churches.

 

Personally I need a lot of physical touch - but not when I am eating.

 

A typical evening I'll cook dinner and my husband may come in the kitchen and give me a body hug from behind and a kiss on the neck.

 

Most evenings (we have different schedules I go to bed before him) I fall asleep with my head on his lap while he strokes my hair.

 

We run each other's feet / hands / heads etc after dinner while we relax in a non sexual way most evenings.

 

Lap sitting? That happens as a part of sex, or if we are kinda tipsy, really horny, and out somewhere a little private like a booth at a cocktail bar

 

For us it's very sexual and would be 1,000% in appropriate for church. Not would we ever at a dinner table with family.

 

I haven't sat in someone's lap to eat since I was a toddler. It would feel bizarre and wrong to me (like Daddy and husband lines crossing)