Teen with what looks like a security blanket

[Gaeta]

In the past year I have purchased a lot of clothes for Claire. All clothes she picked herself online or during local shopping. I've notice she would still wear the same old clothes (a hoodie and sweat pants). I started asking 'what about all those nice clothes we bought, you can't wear the same clothes every day etc etc'. From there I thought I had noticed a change and saw her wearing different outfits in the morning........till Friday. I come home and as our usual she tells me with excitement about her day, she loves her school, friends, teachers by the way. She started showing me pictures of school art projects when I noticed she had on that old hoodie and sweat pants! I said Claire you've been lying to me? and she admitted yes that when I leave for work in morning she changes in her old clothes.

 

Now, if Claire was my daughter I'd know how to handle this. I actually shared that concern with my adult daughter over the weekend and she said to throw the old clothes away just as I did when she was a teen.

 

By the way it's the first school year with no uniforms, that's why it's a new problem this year.

 

I was thinking of making like a menu, I'd have her create outfits with her new clothes and get her to mark on her calendar what will be outfit for Monday, and so on, is that viable? Do I hide the old hoodie and sweat pants before leaving for work? Or maybe I should just wash them every night and let her wear them? I am not too keen on that.

 

Any suggestions would be welcome.

 

She is 15.

[Mr. Lucky]

Or maybe I should just wash them every night and let her wear them? I am not too keen on that.

 

Of course not.

 

Just as many workplaces have "Casual Friday", why not let her wear the clothes of her choosing, old stuff included, once per week if she does an acceptable job sorting her wardrobe the other four days? This allows her to retain a degree of choice and control while helping her move forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gaeta]

Mr. Lucky as always you are a source of inspiration. I had not thought of giving her a free pass on Fridays.

[elaine567]

My guess in the old clothes she feels under the radar, in the new clothes she will stand out and people will notice her and no doubt comment.

She doesn't want to be centre of attention.

[Gaeta]

Wearing the same clothes has brought her some attention too. Kids have started asking why she does that. She just replies her old clothes are comfy. My pj is comfy, I don't wear it to work.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If she's not affected by the other kids' comments, and she washes the outfit when it needs it, I'd just let her do it. It is providing some kind of comfort to her.

[preraph]

My opinion, it's up to the parent or guardian to guide how a child dresses. I've seen the results when you let younger children pick out their clothes, and it's blinding. People say it doesn't really matter because they're that young, but what you have them wear will later become part of their preferences, just like your macaroni and cheese is their favorite mac and cheese. Yes, they will also have their own preferences, but what they grew up with does make a difference and have some influence on them, for sure.

 

At 15, sounds like she desperately needs help. A friend of mine's daughter was stuck in that same rut, and it holds you back socially and professionally. I mean, her daughter wouldn't buy anything for herself except clothes with team names on them. Yuck. Now she's a PhD who thankfully can wear a lab coat, but what if she wasn't? And hardly any social life ever.

 

I am never for quelching someone's creativity in how they dress (that was me), but there is a BIG difference between slobbiness and being afraid to wear anything except old baggy clothes and expressing yourself. Teach her to wear something that looks nice. She has to get used to it.

 

My mom made my clothes, and I liked a lot of them and had some input, but one time I went shopping with my cousin (who was more like an aunt) and she took me to a nice store and had me try on some things and bought me the most awesome dress. It really had an impact on me, the right dress (it was a long-sleeved navy wool swing minidress with a huge diagonal zipper from neck to hem).

 

Influence your daughters. Show them they can look all different ways and be comfortable doing it. If she is wearing baggy, like most teens, she's covering herself up. She'll have a better social life if she shows some curves.

 

Always make her try it on in front of you and so you both see how it fits and looks. Don't buy off the hanger. What looks good will surprise you both. If you have to take baby steps, get her out of the hoody and into a v-neck knit top that hugs her body and shows her shape. You don't even have to point it out, just get one in a good color. Then at least she's showing some skin up top.

[Gaeta]

Now that you speak of curves, the lack of might be part of the problem. See at 15 and 5'2'' she only weighs 85-lbs. She wished she looked more like a regular 15 year old. That being said I let her buy baggie clothes I don't force her into buying something out of her comfort zone. When we buy clothes she is trying them on and is thrilled at the moment...then it never comes out of the closet.

[preraph]

Baggy is never the answer. Get her a bra at Target. Most of them have that little foam that gives you another quarter inch.

 

When you don't have curves, it's even more important to create curves with what you wear. In her case, if she's skinny and straight, she should be wearing something with a waist. In a dress, you'd want one of those dresses that already looks like it has an hourglass shape even on the hanger. In a blouse, maybe something with ruffles up top or those little cap sleeves that make you look like you have a waist. She can work on her butt doing backward leg lifts and building it up. The right pair of jeans may help with her butt. I had a flat butt, which is why I preferred miniskirts, or one reason.

 

Also, she could wear a puff sleeve if it was puffy up near the shoulder, or anything with a light shoulder pad and that will give her the look of having a waist. A blazer with darts that give it a curve flatter everyone over a v-neck shirt. She needs clothes with darts and seams, not baggy unseamed clothing, to make her look best with her body type.

 

https://tinyurl.com/y3g8b7yn cap sleeves

 

https://tinyurl.com/y5gvvsh5 ruffled v-neck top

 

https://tinyurl.com/y4rgq8kx dress with seams to fit

 

https://tinyurl.com/yy5t645j puffed sleeves

Edited October 14, 2019 by preraph

[Cersei]

I don't see the problem. What is wrong with the hoodie and sweat pants? Does she smell?

 

There will be lots of other causes for concern in the next few years with girls of this age. Leave this one alone.

[noelle303]

Did you guys talk about why she changes back into her old clothes when you leave for work?

 

Because that seems a little beyond just wanting to wear comfy clothes to school. That seems like she has anxiety about wearing anything else.

 

I think you always have nice talks with her so maybe try to get to the bottom of this?

[BaileyB]

Two thoughts - can she wear the old clothing on Friday or on the weekend, around home. I wouldn’t throw them out entirely.

 

And, is there a way you can replace the security planter with something more acceptable. Is it possible to buy a similar item of clothing that is new - ie. a new hoodie? Or, even a piece of jewelry that reminds her of her mom...

 

I have done both after my mom died. I still have clothing that she bought me, the clothing that I wore to her funeral, a few items of her clothing... they are important to me, and as much as I think I should throw them away I just can’t do it. But, I also wear her wedding ring and have a necklace that reminds me of her. Sometimes with security “items,” you can only shift to something a little more appropriate.

[Gaeta]

Did you guys talk about why she changes back into her old clothes when you leave for work?

She gave me the generic reply that they're much more comfy. I don't buy it entirely. Yes I am sure they are comfy but I feel there is something else.

 

I think you always have nice talks with her so maybe try to get to the bottom of this?

That hoodie and sweats are from 4 years ago so I asked if it's because they bring back good memories and she said not at all.

 

When I talk about her new clothes she agrees she likes them but she finds hard to come up with a kit that goes well together. One night she spent at least 1 hour in her bedroom putting different peices on. She would come out with a great little kit, look at herself 100 times and decide the white stipe on her sleeve contrast too much with the blue of the jeans....huh!

[preraph]

You need to put that together for her. She doesn't know anything. You have to teach her. Just put it together and tell her why it goes with each other. Tell her the blouse brings out her pretty eyes, whatever.

[Gaeta]

Two thoughts - can she wear the old clothing on Friday or on the weekend, around home. I wouldn’t throw them out entirely.

Yes absolutely. I cannot throw them away. It would be trivial for a regular teen but for a one that has lost everything a year ago it could be devastating.

 

And, is there a way you can replace the security planter with something more acceptable. Is it possible to buy a similar item of clothing that is new - ie. a new hoodie?

That is a great idea, I will ask her if she'd like we get the same thing.

 

Or, even a piece of jewelry that reminds her of her mom...

Still a lot of anger there. Her mother has sold all her funiture and is a no-show. We're in court on Oct 21st, Claire has asked to stay with me till 18.

[Gaeta]

You need to put that together for her. She doesn't know anything. You have to teach her. Just put it together and tell her why it goes with each other. Tell her the blouse brings out her pretty eyes, whatever.

 

Yes I offered we do that this week and she agreed. I have to find a way to confirm she is not changing after I leave for work.

[BaileyB]

Still a lot of anger there. Her mother has sold all her funiture and is a no-show. We're in court on Oct 21st, Claire has asked to stay with me till 18.

 

So maybe not her mom, but her former life? She may not even be able to put into words what she is missing - her childhood, security? I don’t know... at the very least, I would be buying the most comfortable “new” hoodie I could find.

 

And still, I wouldn’t be quick to dismiss the mother. I’m sure there is a lot of anger - but those difficult and perhaps very mixed feelings are often the most difficult to reconcile. I’m sure it will take her years, if not her entire life, to come to terms with some of these feelings...

 

And, I wouldn’t worry about monitoring whether she is wearing it or not. She is old enough to be choosing her own clothing. There will be social consequences if she wears old or smelly clothing - she is a smart girl, she will figure it out.

Edited October 14, 2019 by BaileyB

[amaysngrace]

Sounds like she hasn’t adjusted to her new life yet. Does she go to counseling?

[Gaeta]

And still, I wouldn’t be quick to dismiss the mother.

I am very careful to not do that. I know even if her mom abandonned her she will always love her. No one wants to hear bad things about their mother, even if the mother is highly dysfuncitonal.

[Gaeta]

And, I wouldn’t worry about monitoring whether she is wearing it or not. She is old enough to be choosing her own clothing. There will be social consequences if she wears old or smelly clothing - she is a smart girl, she will figure it out.

That is a very good point.

[Gaeta]

Sounds like she hasn’t adjusted to her new life yet. Does she go to counseling?

She has a social worker that she sees once a month. They tell me she feels safe and happy with me. That she seems to open up more with me than with them so to just be a good family to her and she'll cope. I offered Claire to see the school phychologist, she was not interested.

 

She is seeing a nutritionist for being too thin. She is not anorexic good news but has very bad memories associated with food. My homework is to build good memories connected to food by cooking together, eating together, trying new texture and taste.

 

I think the problem with clothes may have the same source as the problem with food.

 

When she moved here last year we knew she had been neglected on several aspects but we had no clue how deep it affected her.

[amaysngrace]

It’s really sad for her. She may be stunted emotionally at a much younger age due to trauma.

 

Is there anything fun that you can do with her to create good memories, even if it seems like she’s too old to be interested in activities like that? And be sure to pick up a tee shirt from wherever you go.

[Gaeta]

My life pretty much revolves around giving her all she needs for a new start in life. We've been on a few trips, her friends are welcome home, we reconnected with her father's family, her and I spend tons of time together baking, doing homework, shopping, watching our favorite series. I gave her an entire wall in her bedroom to draw and paint as she wishes.

 

She's a very bubbly kid if you don't remind her of her mom. The other day her bf (he's 14) came for dinner and he started asking her questions about her mother and she burst in tears. He told her that her mom is stupid for abandonning her....sigh! I had to explain to him even if Claire is angry at her mom she still loves her.

[amaysngrace]

You’re doing a great thing, gaeta.

 

It’s seems like you’re giving her as much normalcy as possible. I don’t know what I would do about the clothing thing except for maybe checking out Roxy and other surf brands or maybe American Eagle for hoodies.

 

Most kids seem to like those styles.

[BaileyB]

I am very careful to not do that. I know even if her mom abandonned her she will always love her. No one wants to hear bad things about their mother, even if the mother is highly dysfuncitonal.

 

Sorry Gaeta, reading that statement back on its own, it sounded a little harsh. I’m sure you know that is not what was intended. I know that you have been very respectful to Claire and her mother. It is a wonderful thing that you are doing for this girl.