Must we have friends?

[Gaeta]

Last year I dropped my best friend after years, I just could not handle her drama anymore. I have a male friend but it's not the same, we just grab lunch twice a year and mostly keep in touch on text/FB.

 

The thing is I don't feel like I need friends, I don't feel a void at all, and I am not sure I'd have time for friends or even 1 friend. On the other hand I have a big family, we're all aged from 40 to 54. We interact on weekly basis, we have brunches each month, we vacation together.

 

My foster-daughter has friends with parents my age. This summer some of them invited me (and bf) to join them at parties and I was kind of blah about it, we didn't go. They're cool people! there was no reasons not to go.

 

Just wondering if I am shooting myself in the foot with not searching for new friendship.

 

 

.

[Foxhall]

Its still nice to have one or two good friends, I suppose you dont need that many,

 

still important to have a few though,

 

you are fortunate in the sense that your family is servicing the friends need,

 

no harm to keep the option of one or two good friends open though, you might be glad of them in 12 months time.

[basil67]

You do have friends - they just happen to also be family. Perhaps you'd feel different if you didn't have close knit family?

[FMW]

As has been stated, your family are your friends.

 

A diverse set of friends is great, but if you don't feel the need then don't worry about it. You can't fake it, making new friends requires authentic interest in developing new relationships that often stems from need for connection. Your needs are already being met.

[amaysngrace]

I have a close family but I still have my girlies. It wasn’t a conscious decision to have friends or not, they’re just women I’ve met that I don’t want to ever not have in my life because we have so much fun and we also lean on each other in tough times.

 

I’m very blessed.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like family are your friends.

 

I do think it's great to have friends outside of family. My family, as wonderful in many ways as it was, also had its dysfunctions ... and there crop up issues in my life in which my family just was of zero help.

 

Some families also have trouble with stuff like this. Let's say I'm going through a period where I worry I'm going to get fired from my job. I tell that to my family and they're terrified and strategizing ... when what I really need is to simply share this with a friend, who allows me to just release that fear in words ... and not keep it bottled up inside.

 

Talking about sex and love with my family--around the edges that can work ... but not like talking to a friend. My family had terrible boundaries ... so all the work I did with building boundaries ... completely foreign to them. Might as well be talking to telephone poles.

 

Anyway, I think I get your point. It does seem harder to keep up friendships ... don't know if it's the internet or what ... and we change ... and some friends whose quirks we used to look past ... now irritate us with their quirks.

 

I've gone through periods like the one you're reporting. I'll just throw this out there. Looking back, when I had those periods of not wanting to hang much with anyone outside my family, I was probably in some kind of depression.

 

Not accusing you of anything. Just something I noticed with myself.

[Ellener]

Friends come and go in life I think. So long as you are happy hang out with who you like and when you like, it's not compulsary. I had a 'best friend' for years who like you eventually it ended kind-of badly/sadly ( she needed money and I didn't want to give her any ) it was a relief. I took a break from intense relationships of any kind for a few years, my divorce was around that time too.

 

Sometimes a counsellor is better support than a friend anyway, for problems and life changes etc.

 

When I was ready I made new close friendships again, and rekindled a couple of older friendships, and now after years I just started dating.

 

Enjoy your friend-family, not everyone has that

[Gaeta]

It's true I cannot share with family what I would share with a close friend. I know better than to talk to my family about my love relationships. It's a big no-no. You just want to vent and 2 days later you've forgotten about the issue but family will n-e-v-e-r forget.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I put zero effort into making friends. I am a loner by nature and hanging out with other people is usually a chore. Some friends have stuck around for decades, despite me not doing any initiation of contact or hang-outs whatsoever. Occasionally, they will catch me on a day when I am bored and then I agree to do something. It's often because at the back of my mind, I think I should and that I need to push myself.

 

 

 

Having said that, all my time is taken up by a stressful job and family drama. If I had neither, I may feel differently.

[The Outlaw]

My best friend died almost three and a half years ago, and I haven't filled the void that was left after she died. And while friends aren't a necessity, they make things easier. We all need someone that understands us that we can lean and depend on. It's just too tough trying to do it alone.

[Watercolors]

I put zero effort into making friends. I am a loner by nature and hanging out with other people is usually a chore. Some friends have stuck around for decades, despite me not doing any initiation of contact or hang-outs whatsoever. Occasionally, they will catch me on a day when I am bored and then I agree to do something. It's often because at the back of my mind, I think I should and that I need to push myself.

 

Having said that, all my time is taken up by a stressful job and family drama. If I had neither, I may feel differently.

 

I'm the same way as you are, Eternal Sunshine - a loner by nature who puts zero effort into making friends. I don't even view it as a character flaw as many do and tell me so (I usually cut those people out of my life who need me to be their scapegoat).

 

I have friends that I can count on one hand and the rest are all acquaintances. The few friends I do have, have been around for about 20 years and I don't see them that regularly because they have families and are busy with them all the time.

 

I have a new job, and my family is very small in number, and not very close so I rarely if ever talk to them about anything personal in my life anyway.

 

I've grown used to being a loner. Is that weird?

[Watercolors]

My best friend died almost three and a half years ago, and I haven't filled the void that was left after she died. And while friends aren't a necessity, they make things easier. We all need someone that understands us that we can lean and depend on. It's just too tough trying to do it alone.

 

While I agree that we all need someone that understands us and who we can depend on in tough times, those people aren't always available. Yes, of course it's tough to go through life alone, but many like myself do, just because that's the way it's worked out. Friends aren't readily available to everyone unfortunately, and it's hard to explain why that is, but it just is.

 

I visit my mother in her nursing home and she's surrounded by other older people who also have dementia. I rarely if ever see the children or grandchildren of those older people visiting when I visit my mother, which is pretty regularly. So, it's very sad to see those people with dementia, wandering around alone all day/night.

 

If life is about anything, it's about being true to yourself. Friends are the bonus if they do happen. If they don't happen, meh, life can still be fulfilling. Lonely, yes, but fulfilling.

[RecentChange]

There are friends and then there are acquaintance.

 

My acquaintance list is long. The number of people I would call friends is very few, and the number of those I keep in steady contact with is just about zero.

 

I am married, and I do absolutely consider my husband my best friend.

 

The older I get, the more I realize I am just like my dad. He's a sociable guy, really popular at get together etc. Loves good conversation, telling a joke, attending a party.

 

But in dad to day, he's a lone wolf. Prefers spending solo time tinkering, hiking etc. He's never one to talk on the phone, and I really can't recall him traveling to visit anyone. He has some life long friends, but it's not like they chat weekly - more like every few years.

 

My step mom on the other hand, ultra extrovert. Always talking to friends on the phone. Planning get togethers, girls vacations, dinner parties. She has friends that she talks to every single day, friends she talks to every week etc.

 

My husband is much like my step mom, super extroverted and needs a big circle of friends - they say middle aged men have a hard time making friends - not this guy. Any time we move etc *poof* suddenly hehasya huge social circle.

 

Meanwhile I am like my dad. I like tagging along to a party or a night out.

 

But I can't stand making plans with friends. I hate using "my time" to schedule having coffee to catch up etc.

 

Shopping, traveling, all sorts of activities, I would much rather do it alone than with a friend (except for traveling with my husband).

 

When I was young, I had a number of "close" friends. Now at 40, it's hard for me to commit because I often prefer my own company. Oh and I can't stand talking on the phone.

 

I have people that I see when I am out, casual friends. Not the kind I tell my problems.

 

I do have two pen pals - one dating back to college who I will talk to about touchy stuff. Otherwise my husband fills the friend spot.

 

I am just too selfish with my time honestly. I have met some really nice women who tried hard to "make friends" but I just not the type to make plans with friends or talk on the phone.

[alphamale]

I totally agree with you gaeta. I also dumped my best friend a decade ago because of all his drama. He has tried to get back in touch with me three or four times but I have not taken the bait.

 

I also am very close to my family and that makes a big difference. I have 3 or 4 friends that I see a couple times per year, I also have many acquaintances that I see on irregular basis...

 

So yea I don't see a big need to cultivate new friendships...

[Watercolors]

There are friends and then there are acquaintance.

 

My acquaintance list is long. The number of people I would call friends is very few, and the number of those I keep in steady contact with is just about zero.

 

I am married, and I do absolutely consider my husband my best friend.

 

The older I get, the more I realize I am just like my dad. He's a sociable guy, really popular at get together etc. Loves good conversation, telling a joke, attending a party.

 

But in dad to day, he's a lone wolf. Prefers spending solo time tinkering, hiking etc. He's never one to talk on the phone, and I really can't recall him traveling to visit anyone. He has some life long friends, but it's not like they chat weekly - more like every few years.

 

My step mom on the other hand, ultra extrovert. Always talking to friends on the phone. Planning get togethers, girls vacations, dinner parties. She has friends that she talks to every single day, friends she talks to every week etc.

 

My husband is much like my step mom, super extroverted and needs a big circle of friends - they say middle aged men have a hard time making friends - not this guy. Any time we move etc *poof* suddenly he has a huge social circle.

 

Meanwhile I am like my dad. I like tagging along to a party or a night out.

 

But I can't stand making plans with friends. I hate using "my time" to schedule having coffee to catch up etc.

 

Shopping, traveling, all sorts of activities, I would much rather do it alone than with a friend (except for traveling with my husband).

 

When I was young, I had a number of "close" friends. Now at 40, it's hard for me to commit because I often prefer my own company. Oh and I can't stand talking on the phone.

 

I have people that I see when I am out, casual friends. Not the kind I tell my problems.

 

I do have two pen pals - one dating back to college who I will talk to about touchy stuff. Otherwise my husband fills the friend spot.

 

I am just too selfish with my time honestly. I have met some really nice women who tried hard to "make friends" but I just not the type to make plans with friends or talk on the phone.

 

Your post reminds me of this woman I know. She refers to her step mom as "step monster" or WCSM - worst case scenario mom. This woman also has over 2,000 FB friends many of whom she meets online or through her line of work that involves social media networking. She also hates talking on the phone like you do (which makes resolving conflict difficult if it involves her). She's a social loner, if that makes sense? She knows a gazillion people, and is always out socializing but has just a few good, close friends.

 

I literally don't have the emotional energy to socialize every night with tons of people like she does. I do things alone ALL the time. Sometimes I wish I had friends to do things with, but then when I invite people out they have either cancelled last minute on me, or just no-showed without any explanation.

 

And I'm middle-aged like you are. I think when you reach our decade of the 40s, making new friends can be really difficult b/c most of the time, people have lifelong, well-established friendships with people they've known their entire lives.

 

I look at my niece who is in college. She has a gazillion social networks and is never alone. She knows hundreds of people already, and as a result, goes on trips abroad with her acquaintances families, or friends families, has all sorts of job opportunities at her fingertips, and resources abound for whatever she needs.

 

So, I definitely see the payoff of being actively social, having a social network of acquaintances and friends. But, for those of us social loners, it's rather difficult to establish and maintain such a large network of 'people' because relationships at every level, require some kind of social maintenance and upkeep to keep the connection alive.

 

I know i had a point when I started my response, but maybe it's my middle age as I totally forgot now. Sorry.

[Eternal Sunshine]

For me, it was also a lifetime of being let down by friends and people in general. I never had a friend that was there for me. I was always the one giving support. I had to deal with petty jealousies over money/career, over the rare times I had a boyfriend when my friend was single (and then her trying to steal that boyfriend). The only thing I got out of having friends or a boyfriend is that other people didn’t think I was weird. Those friends would also fade away when their lives got better.

 

As I got older, I got much more selfish with only doing what I like. I now openly tell people that I’m not into kids/family get togethers so to not invite me to those. There are only specific events I’m interested in. I don’t ask anyone for support but I no longer offer support to others. When they start telling me about their latest drama, my eyes glaze over and I make an excuse to end the conversation. Weirdly, people seem to respect me more now. This makes me dislike people even more :/

[carhill]

Last year I dropped my best friend after years, I just could not handle her drama anymore. I have a male friend but it's not the same, we just grab lunch twice a year and mostly keep in touch on text/FB.

You underscored, generally, the difference between male and female friendships. Men usually bond over activities but aren't generally up in each other's business. Chats are brief and inquiries about life are answered with 'going great' or 'just fine' or 'the wife left' with little expansion. They also generally don't like men who don't behave similarly and won't be friends with them and won't let their wives be friends with them either, presuming the guy is hetero. There's a name they have for them, gay. Well, that's the nice name. It's meant to be an insult to a hetero guy who doesn't toe the male line. Quit acting gay is a typical quip.

 

Friendships, nice but IME they come and go. Sounds like you have a good boyfriend and healthy family so plenty of support and social interaction. If the drama train with your best friend was too much, smart to get off. Things might calm down later and she'll have more time for you without stuff being so much about her. Some people go through phases. It's the ones who are in high maintenance phase all the time that are best avoided as friends. They'll drain the life and love out of one.

 

The few friendships I've had which have lasted decades happened organically. Just kind of hung out, bla bla and pretty soon 20 years went by. Nothing planned, nothing overt, just worked out that way looking at history. Nothing is guaranteed. Had some die too. More of that happening now that I'm older. Sucks but that's life. Good luck!

[Tagalz]

Just wondering if I am shooting myself in the foot with not searching for new friendship.

 

No It’s not shooting yourself in the foot for searching for a new friendship. Be aware that you cannot call a person for a «friend» because you don’t really know that person well enough so they could have bad influence for you. Bottom line is don’t trust them so early and do use your time with them before they can be called for «real friends»

 

It’s important to have friends because they are the ones who you hang out with to be social. Without friends people would be miserable and alone.

 

You don’t need alot of friends in your circle but having 2 or 3 is actually a sign that you are doing good.

 

If I were you I would still keep in touch with the male friend through FB and text. Try go to a party that you mentioned or hang out with your foster-daughter friend.

 

Keep the possibility open. What do people at your age do? I guess most are married so you could go to a meetup about hanging out with married people and establish a friendship with them xD

Edited October 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited