ohso Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 (edited) I've had one very abusive relationship in the past and I was very much in love with that man. I realized it's not good for me and I broke up with him. I moved on and I am in a healthy relationship. No matter who I am in a relationship with, after my abusive ex, I always think about him all the time. I know he treated me wrong and lied, but I can't stop having romantic feelings for him. I am not even that sexually attracted to my ex, but I truly deeply love him. But I would never be in a relationship with him again, because I know how he is. So why do I keep dreaming about him? It's not that something is missing in my current relationship. This happens no matter what. I compare everyone to him (the positive parts). I think he really loved me, but was insecure and controlling and messed it all up. I don't know what to do. I am so unhappy because my heart still belongs to him. He wanted to reconcile years ago, but I refused. He hasn't changed at all. He got worse actually. What do I do about this? I feel so guilty for having this emotions while in a relationship. Time won't heal this. It's been five years since we broke up. Am I obsessed or what? I keep reminding myself of the negative parts of our relationship, but that doesn't make my feelings subside at all. Why? I got closure, so I should be able to move on. But I am truly hurting for a long time like a part of me is missing. Funny part is that I ghosted him. I had to. I had both the best and the worst time of my life with him. I understand we bonded over trauma so I am having cognitive dissonance and I am trying to give my story a happy ending. But that doesn't help with me being in a perpetual state of love with him. He who represents everything I despise in a world. I don't resent him at all, I have forgiven him and myself for not knowing better then. This doesn't make any sense and I'm severely struggling emotionally. Edited October 15, 2019 by ohso Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 My instinct says that you have to keep using sense. So I'd start here: You say that you love him. Can you make a list here of all the things you love about him? Also, you say that he loved you....why do you think he loved you? (not suggesting that you're unlovable...but thinking that he probably wasn't capable of real love) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ohso Posted October 15, 2019 Author Share Posted October 15, 2019 My instinct says that you have to keep using sense. So I'd start here: You say that you love him. Can you make a list here of all the things you love about him? Also, you say that he loved you....why do you think he loved you? (not suggesting that you're unlovable...but thinking that he probably wasn't capable of real love) I'm using sense and that's my future plan. Except it makes me feel horrible on the inside. But if I listened to feelings, it would have made me feel even worse. I'm kind of in a no win situation. At least I don't see a solution. I loved so many things about him. He really hit all the things I've always wanted for in a man. We clicked on the personality level, on the common interests, on topics to talk about, things to do together, sex of course, shared friends and family members, even went to church together. I could write thousand romantic details I loved. It was a match made in heaven, a dream come true. Until I realized he faked everything. I mean, literally everything. I think he loved me because of all that. He showed me (although his actions were untrue). No one has ever loved me like that and made me feel so understood and seen. But it was too good to be true. Still he loved me in a capacity he had (which is different than neurotypical people have). Now I seem to be irreparable damaged because I believe his motivation for all he did to me was because he was looking for love and found it, but was too emotionally unstable or immature to keep it and to know what to do about it. I knew I was not the one to save him. So I left him. I accepted it was not meant to be. Except my heart stayed with him. I don't regret that I left, but I just can't fix my heart now. It worries me this won't heal for so many years. I even went to therapy about this with no effect unfortunately. I tried to distract myself and keep very busy. I am basically pretending to be happy because nothing I tried to fix this worked. I am too embarrassed to admit this to my friends, because they believe I should have moved on years ago. That I agree about. I also keep this from my bf because I don't want to hurt him. I seriously don't know what do to. It is so stupid of me to cry about this, but I do. I can't help it. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 15, 2019 Share Posted October 15, 2019 So the things you loved about him were all fake. A show. You loved who you thought he was, not who he actually was. Loving an illusion isn't the same as loving a person. Why did you love the actual person he is? Have you tried a different therapist? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 (edited) Someone once said on this board, “the fantasy” is harder to let go than anything else. And you, have certainly created a fantasy around this man. He could be perfect in every way, but if he abused me... it wouldn’t not matter in any way. He is wrong in the only way that matters. Good for you for recognizing that you were at risk, that you could not fix him, and that you could not save him. There are women on this site who have literally wasted years of their life learning those lessons. As basil suggests, you need to keep challenging this thoughts that keep you stuck - that he was perfect in every way or that he loved you in the way that nobody else ever has/will (that’s part of the cycle of the abuse btw, he gets you interested and keeps you interested by “faking” everything and leading you to believe that this relationship is better than any other, that he is your one and only, that you can’t live without him). I too would suggest that you find another therapist. It’s fine to shop around until you find the right person. I would look for someone who has experience with abusive relationships and/or does some cognitive behavioral therapy. You need to change the loop that plays in your head... the loop that says, he is the one, nobody else can compare, I miss him, I can’t let go... Good luck. Edited October 16, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
TeddyPSmith Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 have you considered EMDR therapy? I haven't done it but I am very curious about how it would affect a situation like this. I selfishly wonder bc im in a similar situation and EMDR sounds like a last ditch effort for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Intergalactic Bikini Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 I'm doing my first EDMR session next week. A girlfriend told me to brace myself. The therapist will dig deep into your hurt, including your past hurt, your base hurts to allow a more prepared version of yourself to really heal. Wish me luck. have you considered EMDR therapy? I haven't done it but I am very curious about how it would affect a situation like this. I selfishly wonder bc im in a similar situation and EMDR sounds like a last ditch effort for me. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 ohso, the way you describe your ex and your experience with him seems to me to be god-like and fantasy-based. He was your god in a way and you lived a fantasy with him that you found was just that, not real. It's not his fault or yours. I don't know of your beliefs (you mention you go to church) but your issue is very simple and very simply solved. In fact, it may be too simple for you to accept. You will pull out of this form of worship of your ex when you totally surrender your life and all things in it to God and fix your eyes on Him through daily prayer and reading of scripture to get to know Him as a personal friend. All humans who aren't surrendered to God to know Him personally form other gods called idols. We don't even realize that's what they are. Sometimes they become addictions, drugs, infidelity, workaholism, on and on. These are attempts to fill the void meant for God only. You may attend church and be learning about God but that's not what I'm talking about. When you truly get to know Him and surrender your entire life to Him 100%, taking time daily to spend with Him, you'll find your obsession with this man leaves you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 You need to heal the part of yourself that would allow you to love him more than you love yourself. If you valued yourself more you’d be disgusted by the way he treated you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TeddyPSmith Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 I'm doing my first EDMR session next week. Keep us posted on how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
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