How to do LC for holidays and bdays

[staygrateful]

So there is obviously holidays right around the corner, also have children’s bdays right around the corner and have recently just started on LC(and have been doing terrible at it) with my wife who has been separated from me now for some time and moved on. I am getting better but I know with everything coming up I need all the advice I can get. For instance, Halloween. Just had the kids over the other day and brought up what they were going to be etc etc and they brought up that mom said she would be ok going with me. I don’t want to be friend zoned by my ex and I also don’t want to get the kids hopes up. She has made it clear there is no working out marriage out. So I told them that wasn’t really a possibility and they talked about maybe splitting the night half and half but we live pretty far apart at this point and Halloween seems to get shorter every year so I don’t really see that working either. Then of course we have Thanksgiving and Xmas. I don’t really have much family and what I do have live very far away so I’m thinking of just letting them do Thanksgiving with her family and taking the kids and flying to my family for a few days before Xmas. On Xmas day though I have no idea how to handle it. Of course we are both going to want to be there to see them open presents. Idk it’s just so depressing thinking about being alone for the holidays.

 

Also I have one of my kids b-day right around the corner. How is that supposed to be handled with LC? Do we both throw her a party and just remain civil? It’s so new still to me that idk if I can handle that. I’ve been doing great at dropping them off and not having to see her but today I ran into her by pure accident at the store? We saw each other but didn’t speak. She was letting herself go the last few yrs of our relationship but looked amazing today? All done up just looking beautiful like I haven’t seen her in years. I’m glad to see she is happy and taking care of herself even if that isn’t with me but there is no way in hell I can go through these holidays and bday around her. Today alone took a toll on me and then after she started texting and of course like a dummy I was replying and wasted the almost week of true LC I had built up. Some good, realistic advice would be greatly appreciated.

[preraph]

So I guess this means you didn't go before a judge about custody? Because usually all this stuff is in the judge's order about holidays. So better check that. It's best to have it mandated so there's no quarreling.

 

Otherwise, you have to come to agreement with your wife. On Christmas, it's easy enough to do a half day at one place and half day at the other if local, or if not local, Christmas Eve one place and Christmas Day the other, and you flip who gets Christmas each year.

 

You take turns on Halloween. You're right that you don't want her around confusing the kids and getting their hopes up. Of course, you could hand them off to her midway through the evening, too. Say she goes from 7 to 8 and she meets you back at the house at 8 and you take them and she leaves.

 

Whoever gets Thanksgiving Day gets Christmas Eve, not Christmas Day, but these flip every year so you both get them half the time.

 

Birthdays, you have them part of the day and she has the rest (but of course if it's a school day, you'll have to decide whether to put it off until the weekend.) Part of their BD present will be getting to see both parents.

[Marc878]

Keep everything separate. Throw your own birthday party.

 

Anything together will be awkward plus it'll just keep you in this.

 

Your kids will adjust.

 

I would limit any communication to text or email.

 

Pickups/drop offs should be a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement.

 

I know 3 who do this and swear by it.

[Marc878]

 

Today alone took a toll on me and then after she started texting and of course like a dummy I was replying and wasted the almost week of true LC I had built up. Some good, realistic advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Yep you just reset the clock on NC. If you don't learn to ignore you'll stay right where you are now.

 

You are the only one that can keep yourself in this.

 

NC is totally up to you

[Marc878]

I just read some of your back posts. She's not and probably never has been good relationship material.

 

Stop living on hopium and learn to ignore. Reflect back. What have your current actions gotten you as being her plan B backup?

[staygrateful]

So I guess this means you didn't go before a judge about custody? Because usually all this stuff is in the judge's order about holidays. So better check that. It's best to have it mandated so there's no quarreling.

 

Otherwise, you have to come to agreement with your wife. On Christmas, it's easy enough to do a half day at one place and half day at the other if local, or if not local, Christmas Eve one place and Christmas Day the other, and you flip who gets Christmas each year.

 

You take turns on Halloween. You're right that you don't want her around confusing the kids and getting their hopes up. Of course, you could hand them off to her midway through the evening, too. Say she goes from 7 to 8 and she meets you back at the house at 8 and you take them and she leaves.

 

Whoever gets Thanksgiving Day gets Christmas Eve, not Christmas Day, but these flip every year so you both get them half the time.

 

Birthdays, you have them part of the day and she has the rest (but of course if it's a school day, you'll have to decide whether to put it off until the weekend.) Part of their BD present will be getting to see both parents.

 

 

No we haven’t made it that far yet, partly from her stalling for whatever reason. She is the one who wants the divorce so I proceeded to give her what she wanted and became the petitioner. I wrote my separation agreement weeks ago, provided it to her and advised her once she got her copy over to me I could proceed to file and move on to the next step. We never tied our finances up together and have both agreed to split 4/3,3/4 weekly with children so it’s actually a very simple divorce. If she wants it so bad not sure why she is taking her sweet time. It def won’t be done in time for the judge to decide holidays etc.

[staygrateful]

I just read some of your back posts. She's not and probably never has been good relationship material.

 

Stop living on hopium and learn to ignore. Reflect back. What have your current actions gotten you as being her plan B backup?

 

I appreciate your feedback, straight to the point and honest. You are correct I messed up and reset the clock on nc. I feel like a fool for that but I can only retry again. Its very difficult to realize I was a plan b all these years but that’s exactly what I was. It left me feeling like a huge chump in the end. She likes to always bring up all this love she had for me and just always wanted to feel that same love in return but when I bring up specifics about things each of us did as far as affection it’s crickets. I’ve always been one to tell her actions speak louder than words and the overall picture is her always running out on me/cheating on me and me being loyal trying to make a relationship work that was never going to.

[staygrateful]

Keep everything separate. Throw your own birthday party.

 

Anything together will be awkward plus it'll just keep you in this.

 

Your kids will adjust.

 

I would limit any communication to text or email.

 

Pickups/drop offs should be a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement.

 

I know 3 who do this and swear by it.

 

I confirmed that she didn’t have any bday plans so I believe I will take this advice and throw my own. Also, my pickup/drop offs are way less than 3min. I pull into driveway give kids hugs and kisses goodbye, make sure they go inside and are good. Drive off.

[Mr. Lucky]

have both agreed to split 4/3,3/4 weekly with children so it’s actually a very simple divorce.

 

My son was 3 when I divorced his mom, and we started with a very simple formula - if it fell on your days, it was yours to do as you please. This included birthdays, holidays, etc. It worked well as, trust me, no kid ever complained about a party a couple days before or after his actual birthday.

 

If you learn not to sweat the small stuff and focus on what's important, you'll be fine. It's when one parent digs in and says "I must have Easter at my house" things go off the rails. It's about putting the kids first...

 

Mr. Lucky

[schlumpy]

I think it's fairly easy to do with the kids and holidays.

 

You could alternate each year.

 

You could divide up the major Holidays like Thanksgiving one year and swap with Christmas the next.

 

I suggest you choose an alternate activity. She gets the kids for Halloween and you choose an alternate activity that year like a haunted house or a spooky movie or play. The next year you take the kids for Halloween and she does whatever - if anything.

 

Christmas could be handled similarly. The Nutcracker Ballet would be an excellent alternate activity as would exposure to a good choir singing traditional Christmas carols.

 

Look for historical villages that do something special for the Holidays. It can be a very fun and rewarding experience for you as well as the kids. There are lots of choices depending on where you live.

 

Hang on and make NC your mantra and work on the 180 program. No friend zone for you. I hope that you will move to a better place emotionally very soon.

[staygrateful]

I think it's fairly easy to do with the kids and holidays.

 

You could alternate each year.

 

You could divide up the major Holidays like Thanksgiving one year and swap with Christmas the next.

 

I suggest you choose an alternate activity. She gets the kids for Halloween and you choose an alternate activity that year like a haunted house or a spooky movie or play. The next year you take the kids for Halloween and she does whatever - if anything.

 

Christmas could be handled similarly. The Nutcracker Ballet would be an excellent alternate activity as would exposure to a good choir singing traditional Christmas carols.

 

Look for historical villages that do something special for the Holidays. It can be a very fun and rewarding experience for you as well as the kids. There are lots of choices depending on where you live.

 

Hang on and make NC your mantra and work on the 180 program. No friend zone for you. I hope that you will move to a better place emotionally very soon.

 

 

Thank you those are great suggestions. I have went completely NC. She tried text messaging me a few random things today and I just ignored them and went on about my day. One thing that did require a schedule conflict with my daughter I had my daughter contact her about because she was old enough to discuss it with her and it didn't really need me involved. I'm going to start thinking about myself and not her anymore. Time to move forward with my life.