Wasting Light Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 As much as I've always wished I could find me a good lady to date and settle down with, I never did, and I'm starting to wonder if there's really a point to trying to "find someone". Is there actually such a thing as a good relationship? Are people in relationships actually happy, or are they just coupling up because being with someone is better than being with no one? I almost feel like I see more bad than good. A couple women I work with talk about their constant woes all the time. Being cheated on, getting stuck in draining relationships that they can't get out of. I guess by sheer odds, most relationships must not be "good". Right? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 If two horses run slow, then odds are that all horses run slow. This is the same as the argument you're making based on these two women. Makes no sense, does it. If you want to run statistics, you need a large amount of data. Even then, data can be twisted to serve the purpose of the person manipulating it. My relationship is long. And it's been good. In your situation, is there an identified reason that you have trouble connecting to others? Do you have friends? What help have you sought? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted October 16, 2019 Author Share Posted October 16, 2019 In your situation, is there an identified reason that you have trouble connecting to others? Do you have friends? What help have you sought? I do have friends. I don't know why I don't connect with people in a more than friends kind of way. That type of connection doesn't happen for me. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Is there actually such a thing as a good relationship? Are people in relationships actually happy, or are they just coupling up because being with someone is better than being with no one? Don't know about most relationships, but often they start out fine but have a tendency to deteriorate over time. (Like most things in the world.) Believe that desire to be coupled rather than alone (especially if not very happy in the R) depends a lot on the person. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 I ponder that question as well. I have a desire to give and recieve love. Verbally/Spiritually/Emotionally and Physically. If I could decrease the desire then I would not need it. I wonder what the solution is. I say be open to love, but not go looking for it in a slavish way. If you are in the room with someone you will connect with. Make the effort when you are in that environment. I have a lot of friends and I do activities so socially. My future romance with a woman will not be a thing where she is my be my go to gal all the time. I think that if your a man. Be well mannored/dressed/groomed at all times. Strive to be happy and good things will happen. Try to go out on the hunt all the time. Its burning both candles at the ends. Why bother. My criteria is that when I engage with a woman. I have to feel like she is engaging me back somehow. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 People rarely sit around and proclaim how wonderful their relationship is...If they are happy, then there really is nothing to talk about...Why should a stranger care, anyway? The ones you are hearing about who are miserable are doing it to possibly vent, or for some other reason...Misery loves company. etc.. Couple this with the fact that you are asking this question on a board like this one, where most found their way here because of relationship issues of some kind...No disrespect to anyone, but its like asking if people can be happy never drinking, while at an AA meeting,... I know a fair amount of people...It breaks down like this...Maybe 25-35% truly happy...40% "meh"...and 25% or so just alone and miserable or in a bad relationship, but probably wont do anything about it but complain.. Bottom line is yes, there is a "point" for the hope you wind up as one of the happy ones...They are out there....for sure... TFY 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Are people in relationships actually happy Are single people happy? Most seem to feel they're missing something and, under the right circumstances, would readily give up their unattached status... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 TFY is right about there being nothing to talk about. People ask what's going on for me lately and the answer is always "oh, same same". You see, when everything is good, there's nothing to report. And as much as I love my hubby, I don't go around saying how good my life is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 (edited) What sort of age you at OP ? Anyway yeah tf is right yeah you mainly only hear from the moaners . People in something good often won't say much l know l rarely do and if l do l usually wish l could unsay it later. l know a few though , still doting and would be lost without each others after 30yrs , my parents were 56yrs , they did too. Does seem rarer than l'd like though and l don't know or meet many l envy either l must admit . But yeah , not a great forum to ask in either on that one. Edited October 16, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 If a person is an unhappy person, being in a relationship will not make him happy. Maybe initially it's a distraction but after awhile, unhappy person is still unhappy. These days people have a lot of freedom. You are free to divorce, move around the country, be single. I'd say people who are in relationships are in it by choice so the relationshops are probably good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted October 16, 2019 Author Share Posted October 16, 2019 What sort of age you at OP ? Early 30s. I'm not so sure it's going to happen for me at this point and it's kind of bumming me out. Then I wonder if maybe that should be a good thing. I don't want to end up in a situation where we've settled for each other or aren't really that in love with each other and are just together because it's convenient, or something like that. And given that I can't seem to connect with anyone in a more than friends way, I wonder if that's kind of all there is for someone like me. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Some women at work are pretty good at moaning about husbands., partners. bfs. It is a form of release, a therapy for them, it can be a bonding thing. "I moan about my man to you, and you moan about yours to me..." The last thing they want to do is actually leave, they are just venting. If you suggest leaving or divorce to them, suddenly it is all fine. "He is not that bad, I love him really..." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Early 30s. I'm not so sure it's going to happen for me at this point and it's kind of bumming me out. Then I wonder if maybe that should be a good thing. I don't want to end up in a situation where we've settled for each other or aren't really that in love with each other and are just together because it's convenient, or something like that. And given that I can't seem to connect with anyone in a more than friends way, I wonder if that's kind of all there is for someone like me. Welllll, ya still got heaps of time really anything could happen yet, 30s, 40s, is almost norm these days. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 I know more people in good relationships that have stood the test of time then bad ones. Of course I know people who have been divorced & I have had relationships that didn't work out. Most of the folks I know who can't maintain a relationship are simply not open to it & aren't willing to do the work. Just because you are in love doesn't mean everybody will be happy all the time. You still have to do your household chores; there will be days when one of you is sick or in a bad mood . . in short life still happens. You have to be willing to take the bad with the good & not expect your partner to be everything for you all the time. You have to be wiling to let that person be flawed. Two dear friends of mine fell in love & got married almost 30 years ago. Shortly after they were married, they had to move away from family, then he got deployed, when he came back she got diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis & had to go on disability in her 20s. Her fingers & toes curled up into deformed hooks & she was in pain all the time. The meds caused her to gain over 100 pounds. All these years later they are still in love & happy as can be. They work together & celebrate what they do have not what they are missing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 This feels like a "what if" intellectual exercise. Are you happy with yourself and your life? I sometimes wonder what I'm missing by not choosing other paths in life but it hasn't made me want to leave what I have. If you are productive, take care of yourself, cause little harm to others, and have interests in life you are way ahead of very many people regardless of their relationship status. Unless you are worried about latent homosexuality enjoy the life you have chose. Being single all your life has undeniable advantages but also disadvantages. You have to walk the path that seems best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Of course there's such a thing as a good relationship... but they rarely come about from forcing things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted October 16, 2019 Author Share Posted October 16, 2019 I'm not really talking about having to juggle other life responsibilities or deal with difficult situations like sudden illness. Basically, I'm not talking about the "work" it takes to maintain a relationship. I'm talking about relationships that become a matter of convenience and become difficult to end to the point where people would rather just stay together and try to put up with it because it seems easier that way. I wonder if "love" is real or is just some idea people convince themselves of to justify staying with someone. I really want to find someone, but I really can't even imagine what it would be like to be "in love" with someone. And so I wonder if maybe I'm thinking about it in too much of an unrealistic way. Maybe dating and relationships are actually about finding someone you can tolerate more than the rest and trying to stick it out with them as long as you can, and nothing more? I guess I just wonder what "love" is and what it feels like, and if it's even a real thing at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 I guess I just wonder what "love" is and what it feels like, and if it's even a real thing at all. Wasting Light, do you have good friends or family members you're close to? There's certainly overlap in those relationships, sexual component aside, to a successful LTR. These are people important to me, I value that I'm important to them, etc. I had plenty of "passion" in my first marriage but very little friendship. I've been happily remarried for 30+ years to a woman whose companionship means more to me than her considerable sexual skills. In short, to me that's what love feels like... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted October 16, 2019 Author Share Posted October 16, 2019 I do, yes. But it's still different than friends or family aside from just sex, right? Sex or physical intimacy can't be the only thing that differentiates a friend from a significant other, can it? I wish I understood. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 I do, yes. But it's still different than friends or family aside from just sex, right? I'd guess mostly in degree. There are key people besides my spouse - children, siblings, etc. - to whom I feel a deep and unshakable bond, they're at the center of my life. "Love" doesn't begin to cover the complex set of feelings I have for them. Aside from intimacy, don't see how a romantic partner is much different. YMMV... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 I've been serious relationship-minded since I was a teenager and still haven't found anyone I can live with long term. In my estimation, maybe 5% of couples have true love, 25% are reasonably happy/content, and 75% are in relationships that are so compromised I couldn't bear to be in them. Most of the men I've considered getting serious with post-40 seem to have the attitude that I should accept all the flaws and "settle" for them. Maybe I'll get desperate and lonely enough to do that someday, but I don't feel I'm anywhere near that, or maybe it's just not my disposition. Now I'm planning everything logistically so I can take care of myself solo for life. I still hope to meet the right person, but I realize it might not happen for me, so I'm preparing for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted October 16, 2019 Author Share Posted October 16, 2019 I'd guess mostly in degree. There are key people besides my spouse - children, siblings, etc. - to whom I feel a deep and unshakable bond, they're at the center of my life. "Love" doesn't begin to cover the complex set of feelings I have for them. Aside from intimacy, don't see how a romantic partner is much different. YMMV... Mr. Lucky Gotcha. I could see that. I'm closer with friends than family, and as close as I feel to my friends, I feel like there's still a certain closeness that I'm not experiencing. Maybe that is purely a sexual/ physical barrier. I don't know. I don't know what that means though. It's difficult to imagine what it would be like to have that in my life and that makes me kind of sad. Then again I'm still wondering if my notion of love is naive and not real. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 It's a crapshoot, that's for sure. Most of the marriages I've seen were not what I'd call happy. One I can think of was happy. You can't take an unhappy person and expect marriage to fix them, I know that. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Maybe you just haven't yet met a person to whom you feel connected. You are young and have time. Also, I think you'll get different definitions of "love" depending upon who you ask. I remember having a conversation with my STBX husband about love. He always displayed a more obsessive type of what he called "love" toward me. I called it what it was, an unhealthy obsession and need for control. It was not love, but that was the reason he always gave for how he treated me - because he loved me. That's why he needed to know where I was every minute of the day (by tracking my phone), telling me how to dress, what to eat, etc. After two failed marriages, I often wonder what true love feels like, because I am not sure I have ever experienced it, myself. I've certainly never had the head-over-heels-crazy-in-love feeling they seem to experience in movies. When I was younger, with my first husband, I think I mistook infatuation and jealousy for love. At 58 years old, if I had to describe what I WANT love to be (if I ever decide to look for it again), I would equate it to peace and comfort. It doesn't need to be a searing hot fire that needs to be constantly tended so it doesn't grow out of control and turn everything around me to ashes. I'd prefer a bit of a slow, mild smoldering, just enough to keep me warm and comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted October 16, 2019 Author Share Posted October 16, 2019 That's true and I guess it is a broad discussion about what love is. From the outside looking in I feel like it's a lot more dreary and cynical than I hoped it would be. The idea of being with someone because it becomes convenient and too much of a hassle to end it just seems depressing. I have friends that are seemingly in "good" relationships, but I don't know what goes on behind the scenes and maybe it's all just motions people go through for all I know. I wonder if that's why I can't find it for myself because I'm looking for something that doesn't truly exist. And that I'd have more luck looking for convenience. In a way I really want to know what it's like but at the same time it feels stupid of me to want it knowing that it's more likely to be "bad" than "good" and that maybe my perception of "good" just isn't realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
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