mark clemson Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 I remember posting about the definition of love back when I first started posting. And yes, agree it's one of those broad words that have lots of room for interpretation. Here's a possible incomplete list: - The feelings you get from new relationship energy (NRE) and sex - The longing/drug-like "reverie" of limerence - The feeling you have committed to a person who you care for and the security of believing they also are committed to you (trusting them) - Idealizing another person who you have a romantic interest in - Liking another person so much due to their good qualities that you feel like you want what's best for them regardless of (most, ordinary) circumstances - A familial "love" for a person you used to have NRE and/or limerence with - Choosing to stay with someone long term despite life's ups and downs - Doing such a good job of convincing yourself to stay with a person who you don't actually like that much anymore that you don't realize you did it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted October 16, 2019 Author Share Posted October 16, 2019 - Doing such a good job of convincing yourself to stay with a person who you don't actually like that much anymore that you don't realize you did it Is that a good thing? That seems like the thing that scares me the most and makes me question whether I should actually want to be with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Is that a good thing? Good is relative, but I think it certainly has value. Every relationship is going to hit rough spots, some deeper than others and some longer than others. You need some 'glue' adhering you together when, just judged by today, you might splinter apart. If it was simple to exit a marriage or LTR, not sure many would endure. And I'm sure my wife would back this statement up ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 16, 2019 Share Posted October 16, 2019 Spend a couple of months reading love poetry. What you want to know resides in the realm of philosophy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 I like Mr. Lucky's response. Good is relative/subjective. I do notice you picked the most negative one (IMO) on my list. There's no guarantee that your love story (should you have one) would end that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted October 17, 2019 Author Share Posted October 17, 2019 I guess, then, that I don't understand how people in good relationships manage to find each other and have that together. By sheer numbers and odds, I would think that very few relationships should actually be "good". It just doesn't really add up to me and it sort of makes me a little angry that I can't even find bad relationships let alone good ones. In a manner of speaking, I feel like more people should find it as hard as I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 I guess, then, that I don't understand how people in good relationships manage to find each other I'd put it this way - some people in relationships find goodness. More nurture than nature, they understand the difference between "me" and "we". Not everyone gets it... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 I guess, then, that I don't understand how people in good relationships manage to find each other and have that together. By sheer numbers and odds, I would think that very few relationships should actually be "good". It just doesn't really add up to me and it sort of makes me a little angry that I can't even find bad relationships let alone good ones. In a manner of speaking, I feel like more people should find it as hard as I do. Having the nose and instinct help a lot too seen many a people over the years that can just smell it and they're onto it, they just get it. Anyway , like l said you still got heaps of time. Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 Yes. Yes and yes. as far as your coworkers ..they chose poorly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted October 17, 2019 Author Share Posted October 17, 2019 Having the nose and instinct help a lot too seen many a people over the years that can just smell it and they're onto it, they just get it. Anyway , like l said you still got heaps of time. I don't have instincts though which is a big problem. And do I really have time anymore at this point? I'm already early 30s and have virtually no experience with dating or relationships and I can't find someone to connect with if my life depended on it. Don't really see a way out of it at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 What you are asking is to understand love. You may as well have asked to understand God. You can know God, but understanding is not within your purview. The same is true with love. Love is something to be experienced - not understood. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 I don't have instincts though which is a big problem. And do I really have time anymore at this point? I'm already early 30s and have virtually no experience with dating or relationships and I can't find someone to connect with if my life depended on it. Don't really see a way out of it at this point. Yeah l know l could see that but it might not matter itjust helps that's all but hey , sometimes people don't need it , they just meet someone one day and it goes from there. but what else l was saying is yeah , 30s 40s is norm these days, you have time , try to to worry about that anything could happen yet. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 I don't have instincts though which is a big problem. And do I really have time anymore at this point? I'm already early 30s and have virtually no experience with dating or relationships and I can't find someone to connect with if my life depended on it. Don't really see a way out of it at this point. You actually have PLENTY of time as men can be sexually active into their 60's and beyond (esp. now with Viagra, etc). There will always be women looking for someone as well unless you live in a small town or similar. Read up on some of the threads on being attractive to women and what do women want, etc. The easiest way to find a women is to get the women after you a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted October 17, 2019 Author Share Posted October 17, 2019 I'm not that worried about being sexually active. I'm more just lonely among friends who all have some deeper companion (or can find one relatively quickly if their relationship ends). I'm glad to have people in my life but it's hard to not want that something more as well. It seems like a bad omen of sorts to me that I'm already in my 30s and haven't even really been on a date. I feel lonely even though I'm not "alone" alone. If I haven't been able to connect romantically with anyone I've met over the last 10-15 years, I don't know why I should think the next couple of decades will be any different. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 Don't really see a way out of it at this point. When I was single, I worked on being "good" (there's that word again ) and adding value to my other non-romantic relationships. I tried to be a 'good' boss, a 'good' friend, a 'good' teammate, a 'good' volunteer, etc. Opportunity with women seemed to flow from there. I left the pick-up lines to other guys, just tried to bring quality to my everyday life. To me, you're looking at it backwards if you're waiting for something good to happen... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted October 17, 2019 Author Share Posted October 17, 2019 I feel like I generally do try to be good and do good things. It's not that I expect something out of it or anything but it's hard not to be frustrated when I don't feel like it's mattering to anything. I'm mostly tired of feeling like I'm stuck in this spot and that nothing I do matters to get me unstuck. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 If I haven't been able to connect romantically with anyone I've met over the last 10-15 years, I don't know why I should think the next couple of decades will be any different. Fair enough, and that's a tough situation to be in. There are a number of other posters here who indicate they are in similar situations, and no doubt it's reasonably common. People slowly change over time. You might consider trying to "steer" your changes into becoming more attractive and/or adept with women along with whatever other changes you may go through. That's no doubt easier said than done, but it's probably doable, especially if approached as a series of gradual changes and with reasonable expectations for the results. The presumed end result would be that you have a woman (or at least the option to have one) who adds value to your life (and of course you to hers). Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 17, 2019 Share Posted October 17, 2019 it's hard not to be frustrated when I don't feel like it's mattering to anything Working to be a good person matters to you, even if no one else involved. And as compared to being an unprincipled scumbag, gives you a much better chance to attract the kind of person you'd want to be with. Just keep at it... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted October 18, 2019 Author Share Posted October 18, 2019 I hear ya. I wish it didn't seem so dire though. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted October 28, 2019 Share Posted October 28, 2019 Sorry op , ain't it amazing the difference one wrong letter makes in crap these days.Twas meant to be try not , to worry about that, because, you do still have heaps of time yaknow. Link to post Share on other sites
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