wife needs something more

[E-mc2]

My wife has been making comments lately about how she wishes I would pursue her more. She's pointed out how when we were dating I would pursue her and do whatever she wanted, more or less. Also, whenever we watch a movie when the guy is chasing the girl she'll comment on how it would be nice to be pursued.

 

At first thought I think it's a little ridiculous but maybe I'm wrong so I've come here for a little advice. I've been married for about 7 years and our relationship seems good. I do a lot to help out around the house, do the dishes, all yard work, sometimes the laundry etc. I bring her flowers on occasion and try to do thoughtful things so romance isn't completely absent but apparently I'm falling short somewhere. I do as much or more than all the other men I know. So what am I missing here? How do you pursue someone who you already have?

 

I do plan to talk with my wife about this if I need to but I'd rather pick up the ball and run with it instead of needing her to tell me. It just wouldn't be as meaningful to her if she had to spell it out. So ladies and gentlemen, does any of this make sense to you?

[Gaeta]

Can you give us an example of that 'chasing' she is talking about?

 

You could always role play, like you dress up nicely, head to a bar separately, pretend you don't know each other and you sweep her off of her feet.

 

Do you go on weekends just the 2 of you sometimes?

 

 

.

[E-mc2]

We don't go for the weekend very often since the kids came into the picture. I like the idea of the role-play... I've always wanted to do that. Or just a date night would be a good start but I think she's wanting more. I wish I could give you examples of what she wants. I really don't know yet. Confused I am.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Seems like a red flag to me. Like you, you already "have her." If she's hung up on the dopamine rush of being pursued she will have trouble being satisfied by the comfortable stability of marriage.

[mark clemson]

Agree it's a bit of a red flag. She sounds a bit bored, but at least she's communicating this to you. Perhaps she's fishing for some slightly grander unexpected romantic gestures on your part. Occasional jewelry? Love notes? Painting class together? Weekend away?

 

You might read the book on the 7 (I think it's 7) love languages and try to figure out what her top 2 are to help with ideas she'll respond well to.

 

Hopefully she'll be able to step it up on her side reciprocally and surprise you with that power tool set you've been hinting about. Or at least some great sex?

[schlumpy]

Has she made some new friends lately?

 

If she came to you with this request and had a plan to fulfill it then it might be some fun.

 

But this sounds to much like something that she's been thinking of because someone else pursueing her and she finds she likes it.

 

Better check all the corners first before you agree to anything. I'm with Cautious, I see a red flag.

[preraph]

Take her on a "dress up" date once a month. Tell her you're going to a nice restaurant where you dress or some other dress event, and you dress up nice and shave and wear cologne. Arrange a babysitter.

[IslandSanctuary]

Seems childish to me. Sounds like you already do plenty. I wouldn't be impressed. Sounds to me like you married someone you shouldnt have.

When you do too much for some women they start losing respect for you. In your scenario I would express my disgust at what she said then go about pursuing someone else.

 

It's your fault for doing 'whatever she wanted' in the dating stages. I don't know much about her- just what you've told me - but sounds like she could be a narcissist.

Edited October 16, 2019 by IslandSanctuary

[Mr. Lucky]

I do as much or more than all the other men I know.

 

That's setting the bar pretty low .

 

I'd guess she wants the simple stuff - a text during the day to say you're thinking about her, an unexpected nibble on the back of the neck, a comment on social media about your marriage and/or her.

 

Mix in kids, jobs and life, we all get lazy and forget to make our partner feel valued for something more than their laundry skills. Many don't appreciate what they have until it's gone.

 

Think about little ways to make her feel special, then lather, rinse, repeat. I'd bet the energy comes back to you in some pretty cool ways ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

A wise man will never stop “dating” his wife...

 

That doesn’t mean that you both don’t settle into a comfortable domesticity... it just means, you can never go wrong by doing the little things that make a woman feel loved, appreciated, special, wanted, and desired.

 

In other words, all the things that you did when you first met - do them again. She is simply telling you that she misses that feeling, she wants you to do a little more of what you did when you first wanted to get with her...

[preraph]

She probably feels her life is just stuck in a rut now. Mothers can lose their identities when they have kids. Start researching baby sitters and take charge of that now and do it and don't hand it off for her to do. She wants to feel like something more than a bottle washer.

[BaileyB]

^^^ That is a good start.

 

When we first started dating, we would have “surprise dates.” It was a joke - he hates surprises and I love them. I would tease him that surprise dates were “the best kind of dates.” Really - I just loved that he put some thought into it and planned something - I didn’t want to plan it or drive or pay...

 

I don’t know a woman who wouldn’t love a good “surprise date” where her husband plans everything and she can just relax and enjoy. I would start here...

[Mr. Lucky]

you can never go wrong by doing the little things that make a woman feel loved, appreciated, special, wanted, and desired.

 

I've had a couple of friends who's marriages have ended unexpectedly and they've all started sentences with "I wish I'd...".

 

Ask yourself that question during the relationship, not after...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ruby Slippers]

Some examples of pursuing that boyfriends have done and I liked are:

 

• Sending me sweet/sexy texts randomly during the day
  
• Taking me out to nice places for dates
  
• Taking me dancing
  
• Bringing me flowers and cute little presents
  
• Leaving me sweet notes here and there
  
• Giving me clothes or lingerie he picked out for me
  
• Giving me a good massage
  
• Cooking for me, or even with me
  
• Taking me on a scenic day or weekend trip
  
• Surprising me with approaches for hot sex at atypical times for us
  

[d0nnivain]

She wants to feel sexy & desirable. The flowers are good but can you ramp up the flirting & maybe spice it up. Send her a flirty text. Leave a naught post it note in her lingerie drawer; buy her some new lingerie. Offer to take a bubble bath with her.

 

preraph's suggestion that you take her on a "dress up" date is an excellent one.

[usa1ah]

I chase my wife through the house, some how we always ended up in the bedroom.

[usa1ah]

From what you have posted I know what your problem is.

 

You stopped dating your wife. Why?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You might read the book on the 7 (I think it's 7) love languages and try to figure out what her top 2 are to help with ideas she'll respond well to.

 

The Five Love Languages, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People .

 

The 5 Love Languages are:

 

1. Touch/Physical Affection

2. Time

3. Acts of Service

4. Gifts

5. Words of Affirmation

[S2B]

Is anything else “off” with her?

 

Why is she allowed to complain about you?

 

But also she’s telling you you’ve forgotten to date her and treat her in a special manner. You know what’s free? A love note or poem you write to her. Write ones week - make it a habit.

 

But flowers and gifts more frequently. Go buy her an outfit and plan a night out. Tell her every few days how beautiful she looks/what a great cook she is.

 

Appreciate her more often and in many ways!

[BettyDraper]

Years ago, my husband stopped courting me and it made me feel unloved.

I spoke to him about it and nothing changed even though he made promises.

I felt angry and even sadder.

 

My husband finally started making an effort once I told him that perhaps I needed to accept that he was unable or unwilling to be more romantic and exciting. For some reason, that statement caused my husband to wake up and make changes. Now he gets me flowers and cards for no reason, takes me out, plans vacations, and other romantic things.

 

Do the same for your wife. Don't take her for granted. She wants to be swept off her feet.

[Maddie82]

I get it. Sometimes women just want to feel desired and wanted. Being married for a while that sort of stuff eventually dies down a bit. My husband and i are pretty contented with each other but i would like a little more from time to time. He knows this and he does try. This morning when he was leaving for work he gave me a quick kiss then turned back and grabbed me giving a wonderful deep passionate kiss. It was wonderful. Something that simple can make allot of difference. Women like men to sweep them off their feet once in a while.

[FerDeLance]

Instead of suspecting her, you should be grateful that she is honest with you and that she has a need that you can meet. She is not asking for a big house or anything lavish, but just your pursuit. If you take this as a negative, or ignore it, you might regret it later when it is too late. Maybe she is going through a phase. Consider going to a weekend marriage seminar called “A Weekend to Remember” by Family Life. It will give your marriage a spark as it did mine and a number of my friends. And you will get ideas and they also have some counseling. They have speakers, who entertainingly reveal truthful things about marriage. In between are couple sessions so that you can digest and process what the previous session was about. These seminars are held at different cities and at varying weekends. Google it and it might be one of the best things you’ve ever done.

[S2B]

I can understand and appreciate her honesty in telling you exactly what she wants from you.

 

I don’t agree with her criticizing you like it’s personal attacks.

 

Make effort so she feels special! How hard is that?

 

Are you willing to pay special attention to her needs?

[E-mc2]

Thank you everyone for all the advice. It helps to have different perspectives to figure out what's going on. I think it's easy for couples to slip into complacency and not even know it, life just happens and gets in the way. There are things that my wife stopped doing too, probably because I stopped doing things. Better said, it just happens simultaneously.

 

I'm thankful to recognize this early enough before it turns into something major. Starting now I'm going to take steps in order to make my wife feel more special and make marriage a little more fun and about us. It's not all about careers, responsibilities, paying bills and raising children.

 

Years ago, my husband stopped courting me and it made me feel unloved.

I spoke to him about it and nothing changed even though he made promises.

I felt angry and even sadder.

 

My husband finally started making an effort once I told him that perhaps I needed to accept that he was unable or unwilling to be more romantic and exciting. For some reason, that statement caused my husband to wake up and make changes. Now he gets me flowers and cards for no reason, takes me out, plans vacations, and other romantic things.

 

Do the same for your wife. Don't take her for granted. She wants to be swept off her feet.

[schlumpy]

Please come back and give us an update. It helps me give better advice.