9 months post separation... why am I struggling now

[Onwards13]

9 months since I left after finding out my husband was having an affair - it hasn’t been easy but it hasn’t been horrible either. Found out recently the other woman has now left her husband.... since then I feel like everything’s crumbled- perhaps the reality is finally setting in. It hurts. How did you all do it - please no “the best revenge is moving on” types - but real solid, things I can apply in my daily life type of advice.

[stillafool]

Good for you in making the decision not to put up with his cheating. I know it's hard and painful but you'll pull through. Does OW leaving her husband mean she is going to be with your STBXH?

[Onwards13]

@stillafool...

I don’t know for certain but it’s a realistic possibility.. I think that’s s big part of the pain I’m feeling

Edited October 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

I can imagine. Well if they do get together know that it's two cheaters ending up together and karma is a mofo.

[Mr. Lucky]

since then I feel like everything’s crumbled- perhaps the reality is finally setting in. It hurts. How did you all do it

 

I remember when my mom died, there was much to do with settling her estate. So even though we had the funeral, condolence cards came and friends extended sympathetic wishes, I was busy with everything from selling her place to donating her clothing.

 

It wasn't until this was all done about a year later that it really dawned on me she was gone, and I fell into a funk that surprised both myself and those around me. My grief obviously had a mind and timeline of its own, and I'd guess your situation isn't much different.

 

Ending a marriage is a mix of logistics, time and energy. Once you've accomplished that, your mind has to catch up to the new realities of the situation. And while we may wish this happened according to our schedule, your feelings are proof it doesn't always work this way.

 

Let go of some of the expectations and focus on treating yourself well. This includes giving yourself permission to be occasionally sad, you've been through difficult times. Stay busy with family, friends and work and choose a few things to be grateful for each day. No magic cure here, life can really knock you down. One day at a time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Onwards13]

I remember when my mom died, there was much to do with settling her estate. So even though we had the funeral, condolence cards came and friends extended sympathetic wishes, I was busy with everything from selling her place to donating her clothing.

 

 

Thank you I needed to hear this today. It’s all so raw all of the sudden.

Edited October 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Blind-Sided]

Mr Lucky is always spot on with his words, and advice. And I totally agree. I'm newly out of a 20 year relationship... truly for reasons still not 100% known. During the separation, I had good days, and some VERY bad days. Sometimes there was no real reason for a bad day other than me overthinking things, and trying to figure out what "I" did wrong. My advice is on that point...

 

 

1) Don't over think things, because there is a good chance that you had nothing to do with it, and you had no control on the outcome.

 

 

2) People who cheat can't see themselves as the cause, and will project issues that they need to justify things onto their partner.

 

 

As Mr Lucky said... allow yourself time to be sad, but also know anything said by your STBxH was not the truth, and don't blame yourself.

 

 

As far as trying to cope on the harder days... post here !! It's very therapeutic to simply let it out. Also, try to find a friend who you can talk with, and understands that you may need to talk on a moments notice. I was lucky in this. I had several friends reaching back to college who knew me and the ex, and could comment realistically on the situation, and not just give me a "Pat on the back" because I was feeling down.

 

 

Just know... as you move forward, and find some normality in your daily life... things will get easier.

 

 

Good luck, and sorry for what you are going though.

[notbroken]

If you aren't already divorced, file and get that out of the way asap. You are just prolonging your pain if you don't.

 

Do something, however small, that is nice for yourself every day. A nice walk, bath, meal, - anything.

 

I made it a point to be extra nice to other people. I'd complement the grocery store checkout lady, the waiter, etc. Bringing joy to others brought a bit of joy to me too.

 

I found background noise (stereo, tv, etc) - anything to disrupt the constant quiet helped.

 

Avoid alcohol and drugs. They definitely won't help long term.

 

Find a friend you can vent to - but ask permission to do that and tell them to let you know if it gets too much. Also participate here. It can help.

 

Don't put your ex on a pedestal. They were NOT 'perfect' for you. At all. You are breaking up for a reason.

 

Figure out your part in it (there is some) and forgive yourself quickly. This is key - forgive yourself quickly. Dwelling on it will set you back. Yes, you are human. It is ok that you are.

 

Don't get serious about anyone else soon. Maybe avoid dating for a while. It just adds pressure you don't need right now.

 

Don't communicate with your ex any more than absolutely necessary. Not even one extra sentence/question. If you feel you must ask yourself what would happen if you don't - usually it is nothing so don't do it. Communicating with them just adds to the pain and anger. Be fair to them in the settlement without being a pushover. Don't badmouth them to your kids or anyone else even though they may deserve it. Be the 'bigger person'. If they start yelling or being disrespectful to you tell them you will no longer accept that and to call you back when they can be civil - and hang up or leave. Don't trickle anger to them. Get it out. Tell him he is a cheating jerk and karma will bite him in the !@#$ and you are happy to soon be out of his life. After that, be civil in the few words you ever must speak.

 

If you can afford it, personalize your environment. Get rid of the bed you shared (I changed out my whole bedroom), take their pictures off the wall, etc.

 

You are in a very stressful time that is dangerous to you. You could easily wreck your car while thinking of them or step off the curb into traffic. Recognize this and be extra careful. Seriously. Decisions you make right now may not be your best. Avoid large ones. You probably shouldn't be buying new houses, cars, yachts, etc. Put those decisions off for a year if you can. Recognize this and don't 'freeze' and be unable to make decisions but know you are not at your best.

 

Continue to work professionally as best as possible. Divorce can definitely affect your work and getting fired won't help your stress level. Keep going.

 

Exercise. This will help take your mind off things and get you in better shape. Definitely a key.

 

Eat healthily. Many people go on the 'divorce diet' and lose an unhealthy amount of weight or balloon up because they are eating as a form of coping. Don't do that. Eat healthy. This is part of being nice to yourself in a tough time.

 

Some people will surprise you and disappear totally or side with your ex. This is a great time to also divorce negative people in your life. Don't be sad by that. You'll soon know who your real friends are. It is ok. Accept it.

 

Get involved in hobbies you like. They can help alot. Riding my motorcycle was the best psychiatrist I could find.

 

You are NOT broken. Just slightly cracked. You can and will recover - and likely be happier than you have been in a very long time. Know that. Make it happen.

[Buffer]

So sorry, remember you are not at fault at all. Never think this.

Start or keep up a healthy lifstyle, eat well , walk the dog talk to goldfish (they never give bad advice). Drink heaps of water.

 

It is never easy, don't waist any more time on WH or the AP. Wipe all thoughts of them from your mind.

 

Alot of what Notbroken said.

 

Start the positive throughts now.

 

Good luck and cyber hugs

[S2B]

It really is the same emotions as a death. It’s the end of what was the known life and what was predictable.

 

I stayed depressed for 3 years (I don’t recommend that). My adjustments were less than adequate - even though I was happy to be away from someone who was controlling and disrespectful.

 

I did a lot of counseling at that point and REALLY started to turn the corner. I changed EVERYTHING purposely! I began to feel a freedom I hadn’t felt in 27 years. Changing everything really gave me a new perspective - I could go where I wanted, when I wanted, for as long as I wanted and with whoever I chose.

 

And I began to do MORE of the things that made me happy!

 

I found that cooking, gardening and anything artistic (I make jewelry and paint)- really feeds my soul. I can stay up until 2am soldering beautiful things and no one is mad at me! Ahahaha - I love that now!

 

Find a few things you love - and do those! Do them a lot!

 

Just do what you want for a while - determine how to get happy.

 

I see friends and family when I’m in the mood. And I don’t when I don’t feel up to socializing. I get to be authentic now and look for opportunities to be kind and loving to those people I know. I eliminate people who aren’t kind.

 

It’s takes some time to find your groove. But once you do it’s amazing! I hope you see this as yourchance to be free and happy!

[wtm78]

9 months since I left after finding out my husband was having an affair - it hasn’t been easy but it hasn’t been horrible either. Found out recently the other woman has now left her husband.... since then I feel like everything’s crumbled- perhaps the reality is finally setting in. It hurts. How did you all do it - please no “the best revenge is moving on” types - but real solid, things I can apply in my daily life type of advice.

 

 

It hurts! I know it does. I'm not going to lie.

Grief is a process. Don't let anyone tell you how long you need. Everyone grief differently, takes different amount of time.

If you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream, go to the beach or scream into your pillow. If you need a friend, pick up your phone and make that call. If you have not been in touch with a family member, time to make a visit.

 

If you feel the pain, don't hide it, don't suppress it. Feel it, let pain take over even if it's overwhelming. Embrace it, face it, finally dance with it.

Little by little, step by step, you will get there. You will survive.

 

You survive other losses before right? Recall your experiences. Learn from it.

 

What happened to you was not planned, but sometimes sh*t happens. Take this opportunity to look through your marriage from the time you were friends, to walking down the alise to eventually the divorce. Have a cold hard look and be honest to yourself, did you see it coming? What were the signs? What you could have done differently? Don't waste this life experience. Learn something from this. Grow from this experience.

 

At the end of the day, what didn't kill us make us stronger. Not stranger.

 

Give thanks each day and be a blessing to someone who needs it more than you. The reward for this will be stored at a higher place.

 

Don't sell yourself short, you are stronger than you think!

 

Take sometime to find yourself back. When you find yourself, you will know what you were made to do.

 

Take a deep breath! Hold it there! Count to 30! And Let out the negativity!

 

No matter what we go through, the sun still comes up from the east and set in the west. Every second that goes by, a child was born somewhere. Life is full of miracles, you will find yours if you don't stop looking for it!

 

Be bless and may the angels goes with you!