Noirek Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 I don’t know if anyone is around that was when I came to this site after my affair. I actually haven’t thought of this place in a long time but I am at 5 years since I broke NC with MM and over six since The physical affair ended. I thought id say a word for any waywards who are passing by. Stop, if you haven’t already. Don’t start if you haven’t already and don’t give up on yourself if you are starting too. You can be a good person again. Cheating does not have to define you. Yeah, there are a lot of hurting people here. It can seem like you are irredeemable but you are. Recently my husband made a comment about cheating and I looked at him and apologized. And he said “oh wow, I didn’t thing about us, I wasn’t talking about someone else.” I truly feel forgiven by him but I also feel forgiven by myself. Because in the end, if he had chosen to end our marriage I would still have had to live with myself and learned how to forgive myself so that I could focus on my kids. Take care of yourselves. Waywards and betrayeds. Be kin to yourself as we are all human and we don’t always act or react in the best way. I planned to write more but I keel nodding off. I’ll go for now. 10
Organic2003 Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 Thank you for the update! I was not around when you were posting but did read all your threads. Painful !!! To me as a BS. But you were and angel compared to the serial cheater I have dealt with. I am so glad to hear you and your family are doing well. So much to miss out on in life when couples don't work through the hard things. I hope you have learned to deal with and maybe found a way to use what I believed you called your "Dark Side" Cheers to you and your husband!
DKT3 Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 I recall going at you very hard...I soon gave up thinking you were too far gone but continued to follow you. then I saw as you turned the corner. I felt it was too late and your husband was not going to stick around. It's good to hear that you are in a good place.
merrmeade Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 (edited) Oh, Noirek. ((((())))))) You are one of my favorite people. What a kind, generous thing for you to do! But, of course, you would want to give hope and kindness. That’s who you are. Moreover, you were never able to play the mind games that are normally necessary for Waywards to live with themselves. On the contrary, you were fiercely, uncompromisingly honest, so just the opposite. You never held back or tried to protect yourself. Look at the forum you posted in: Infidelity. You threw yourself into the lion’s den—a cheating spouse, posting over and over in the Infidelity forum. In the end I was deeply touched by your relationship with truth and your own integrity. You deserve all the credit. You humanized cheaters for me and taught me compassion. You were all that I realized my husband couldn’t be and that was ok. He could never be you. Because you bared everything, I could see the qualities that make facing the truth and changing, possible. Edited October 25, 2019 by merrmeade 4
understand50 Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Noirek. I am glad things are working out. Time is one thing that does help, if you let it. Your past was tough, but your future looks better, then if you and your husband, had not done the hard work. One can slip and come back. Sometimes not to where you were, but sometimes back to a new loving relationship. The scars from past actions will always be there, but fade. Of course, this supposes you do not cheat again. I think, someone like you and others who strayed, and then found a way to mend their marriage, are more likely never to cheat again, as you know first hand the pain. So, I think things will just get better for you and yours. I wish you luck.... 1
Author Noirek Posted November 14, 2019 Author Posted November 14, 2019 . I hope you have learned to deal with and maybe found a way to use what I believed you called your "Dark Side" Cheers to you and your husband! It just sort of changed. The part that hated the betrayal and hurt in the story won out over the part that got turned on by sneaky sex... i spend way too much time in my head and I know I over thought a lot and as a result processed a lot of those thoughts here. Sometimes on here and in real life people take what someone says as it being the Gospel truth to that person. But we all know people do in fact say things they don’t really mean out of hurt or anger or even a not fully processed thought. 1
Author Noirek Posted November 14, 2019 Author Posted November 14, 2019 I would say it is good to see familiar faces (well most of you) but I am sad that you still need to be here. But at least you have this outlet for therapy. I think one of the reasons I came back here is because I’m watching an affair at work unfold. And it is a painful reminder of my own behaviour. Well minus the workplace shenanigans and the lack of being discreet. Though I do realize we were not as discreet as we thought. These two, however, don’t even hide it and no one thinks well of them... especially the woman who is the married one. I tried my best to talk the guy who I have worked with several years now out of it as did another of our friends. We told him it was a road of hurt and pain for both of them because he always gets so emotionally attached and doesn’t weather break ups well. He listened he knew we were right but he had already fallen for her. And when he pulled back she panicked and tried harder... and i feel so bad for not being her friend when she first was hired and getting to know her because I can see so much of me in her. While my affair was physical and hers is emotional I do get her. More than all the people around who just think she is “insert derogatory name”. And now, since everyone knows she will have to be that sort of person for the rest of her time at this place. It makes me so thankful my BH did not expose. Though really she exposed herself. I guess it just brought up a lot of memories I do really well with not dwelling on. And so I came here. 1
aliveagain Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 I remember you, it was hard watching someone with so many people dependent on them self destruct. You kept contact with your affair partner after discovery, it must have been so hard on your husband. Glad you got it together enough that your family survived your actions. Did you ever make the promise to remain faithful to your husband?
Author Noirek Posted November 15, 2019 Author Posted November 15, 2019 I remember you, it was hard watching someone with so many people dependent on them self destruct. You kept contact with your affair partner after discovery, it must have been so hard on your husband. Glad you got it together enough that your family survived your actions. Did you ever make the promise to remain faithful to your husband? Not to quibble but I broke N/C not kept contact. And then I frustrated everyone by slowly getting to a place where I finally went N/C. Back when I was posting here I’d think about killing myself a lot. I was not well and I hated me. And You are right, I was in self destruct mode. My husband really gets all the credit for getting us through this. He really is one in a million. But we are equals now. That’s nice. I never promised fidelity again. I did that once and failed miserably at it. And then a second time and also failed. So, I just live my life like an open book. He has always known all my passwords and had access to everything. He can track my phone if he wants since he knows my apple id. To be honest, we don’t have much time apart. I do shift work so I always work the same set schedule, no surprises. And I rarely hang out with friends. I never lied during my affair about where I was and I don’t lie now. I guess at this point I’m showing faithfulness rather than saying it. Maybe down the road we will do one of those vow renewal things. He hasn’t asked me.
Dutchman1 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) Hello Noirek, I followed your journey from the beginning, and for a gut feeling I felt that you had the power and the love for your husband to both find the strength to make your marriage work. I wrote on your thread several times in 2015, and you politely answerd. Unfortunately my search for answers haven't been successful, once in 2015 I found someone on this site who almost had the same history, but I messed up. Have a great life. Dutchman 1 Edited February 26, 2020 by Dutchman1 Spelling
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