XBF's New GF Is Holding Him Hostage...

[Love2share]

My XBF has put me through hell since we broke up over a year ago. I haven't heard from him in over 5 months. That's the longest NC we've ever had. I really believed he was GONE this time. I have moved on with my life completely. Now he's back with a totally new deal. Ultimately, we broke up because he was cheating on me with the GF he has now.

 

When he first met her, he tried to break it off with her several times. But she always threatened suicide. That is the main reason he let me go and hasn't come back to me. He was hurt when I dumped him. But he knew his problem was too big and he didn't want to hurt me anymore than he already had. He has an obligation to take care of her. Right now, they've been together for almost two years. He desparately wants to break free of the relationship with her. But he's still affraid that she will kill herself.

 

The XBF told me all of this as a last resort for outside assistance. He wasn't trying to get back together with me. He just remembers that I've always been a spiritual person and he knew I could give him good advice. He asked if I could forgive him for everything and just help him get through this situation with his GF. I told him I couldn't help him.

 

I am soooo over him. I don't care what happens in his life anymore. I know it's cold and heartless. But I just don't want to be involved with him anymore. He was shocked that I was careless when somebody's life was on the line. But it's really not my problem.

 

Was I too mean to him for telling him I don't care about him or his GF? I could have told him to leave her alone, but that would sound as though I still care about him and possibly want him back for myself. How would you have handled the situation had you been in my position.

 

Part of me does feel angry that he came to me with this problem. Part of me feels sorry for him. Part of me is happy that he realizes the grass wasn't greener on the other side of the fence. The biggest part of me just wants to continue moving forward in my life without thinking of him. What should I do.

[Houdini's Sweetie]

Love2share, you don't sound "mean." You sound sensible.

 

How can you be his "last resort" for outside help? Has he thoroughly exhausted all other options, such as: psychologists, psychiatrists, hospitals, community mental health providers, suicide prevention groups, etc? And what are you supposed to do to help him help her that professionals can't do?

 

I was once engaged to a man whose ex-girlfriend stalked us via phone and email and finally left an eerie voice mail saying she had taken an overdose and was "on the way out." Yep. I had to beg the man to do something, anything, because I thought she was literally dying while we were sitting there. Finally, he agreed to call the police department in her city and alert them to her plight. What happened? Nothing. She accused him of making everything up when the police arrived to find her alive and well and absolutely furious at the resulting embarassment to her and her family.

 

Do what you say the biggest part of you wants to do: go on with your life. Leave these two to their own devices. He'll have to do whatever he can on his own. There's nothing to be gained for you to be involved in any way. It may sound cruel, but do you want him to call you every time he's in a bind for the rest of his life? Cut the ties and wish him well.

[TnT]

I would have to say that i agree with the previous comment. I do think he needs to find a way out of this himself.

 

However... on the other hand... he may just think u r the right person for advice as u r a strong woman.

 

Hmm, that made no sense. I dont know how to word what i am thinking...

 

If u help him, it may bring some closure to u both. Just cos it seems like u dont have closure on this. Maybe u need to help him out, know that he is away from the girl... know that he is ok, tell him u dont want him back, but just heal the wounds and be friends. I think this may actually be more helpful in moving on.

 

I hope that made some sense...sorry...

[Love2share]

Helping him through this means communicating with him again. Communication means being his friend and that he will interfere with any other relationship I have.

 

My XBF is very possesive. When I first met him, we were just friends. Even then, he was envious of my relationships with other men. When he finally expresed his jealousy it was to tell me that he loved me and wanted to be more than friends.

 

I'll admit that I'm still a little bitter about the fact that he left me for this woman. For a while, I had forgotten about them and the bitterness went away. Now, it's back. Despite the lying basterd that he is, my XBF will marry this woman if it means saving her life. But I think he realizes that he won't be truly happy with her like that.

 

I'm affraid that getting involved will cause me stress and make me suicidal. Getting over him was really difficult for me. Has anyone else ever felt like this and still helped an XGF/XBF throug a difficult time? How did it turn out?

[KhadgarsDisciple]

I'd like to share my thoughts on this situation, as it sounds very familiar to me.

 

A quick backstory on myself: I am a 19 year old guy, and lived in CA up until about a year ago. I was always sorta shy thoughtout school, so chatting and other things was great for me, as I was able to overcome my shyness. I met a bunch of people who I called friends, and eventually felt atracted to a few of them. I 'got' with this girl from MI in my freshman year of high school (2000), and was with her for about a year. At that point I had started to feel like it just wasn't going to work, because --psssssh-- we live on oppoiste ends on the country! So I broke up with her as gently as I could (2001) and got with another person I had felt attracted to whom I met online, and they only lived a few hours away from me, in southern California. I begged and whined with my parents, and eventually they agreed to let me visit her, and it wasn't long before we were set on moving in together. Due to some rather violent conflicts with my parents, they agreed to let me move in with this girl and her dysfunctional family, and at the time being I was happy. Fast forward through a year and a half or so of physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, and abuse, and I had finally had it (2003).

 

Heres where what I'm saying relates to this suicide thing. The reason it took so long for me to finally end it with her was because of her constant threats of self-dismemberment and suicide. My head was torn every time she would threaten to hurt herself. Part of me thought she would really do it, and part of me didn't think so. Part of me wanted to tell her to just go do it, and just leave me alone, but another part told me that you would regret it if she really did something. It drove me crazy, because while a threat against myself wouldn't mean anything, it's not like she didn't already hit me, a threat against herself however was something I couldn't stop. If she told me that she was going to slit her wrists next time she was alone in the bathroom, then what was I to do? Go into the bathroom with her every time? She could just say something to the effect of, "get out of the bathroom" in front of her family, and I would have to not enter. As it turned out later, she really didn't have any intention of killing herself, just the guts to wound herself enough to make me think she would. I wasn't just trapped, I was alienated from all my friends and family. Any attempt for me to talk to a friend or other person about it was taken by her as an attempt to breka up with her, and would be followed by more bruises and stuff, and the only way to fix it was to not tell anyone. By not telling anyone, the problem just got worse and worse, and finally one day I snapped at her and ended up telling her to go die. I felt awful afterwards, but it ended up giving me some space, which I eventually used to get help.

 

I can't speak for anyone else, as they may or may not be serious about a suicide threat. I can tell you that if you even care for your xbf a tiny bit, you need to get 'her' help to save him. It's true what you said, he would marry her to save her life. It's really her that needs the help, not him. Nobody should threaten to hurt themself to be near if they truely care about them. That goes without saying, obviously, but for some people they see it as the only way to keep someone near to them. I think I've talked to much, however, so I'll stop for now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

PS: I am now (2005 ;-))living happily in Michigan with the person I was with in the first place. The moral? NEver settle for less than what you want.

 

 

 

PPS: One last thing -- I know this is a sorta cruel thing to say, but if you really really don't wanna deal with it, just don't. As long as you can have a clear concience ab out it, it's really fine for you to leave him alone -- you are right, its NOT your problem. Do whatever you feel is best, but have no regrets.

[Love2share]

PS: I am now (2005 ;-))living happily in Michigan with the person I was with in the first place. The moral? NEver settle for less than what you want....I know this is a sorta cruel thing to say, but if you really really don't wanna deal with it, just don't. As long as you can have a clear concience ab out it, it's really fine for you to leave him alone -- you are right, its NOT your problem. Do whatever you feel is best, but have no regrets.

I understand what you're saying. I have decided to leave it alone. I explained to him my reasons for not wanting to get involved. I know that he has more sense than to allow this woman to manipulate him, because that's really what she's doing. He was attracted to her because she was so easy for him to manipulate.

 

I guess he never imagined being "stuck" with her against his will. Acutally, this situation is causing him to use his own moral judgement. Should he pay the cost for his imoral actions to start with? Or should he learn his lesson, get out of the situation, and vow never to cheat, or take advantage of another woman again? Hmmm...very interesting !!