Reason and Mindless torture....

[Dante Inquisitor]

I was brought up to believe if you faked something, you would be alright eventually.

 

Like when my friends were down, I'd fake I was the happy one and make sure they would find a way to be happy. I've taken friends to dinner, taken them for nights out, I've hooked my male friends up with woman and my female friends up with men, and I actually enjoyed helping my friends.

 

THere were times, where i even helped people i didn't even know all that well, friends of a friends friend, etc.

 

I've smoothed over relationships and even saved relationships, where i've spend countless hours talking to my friends and then talking to my friends gf or my friends bf.

 

I have made many friends and everybody says i'm such a nice guy, but recently, i've lost the ability to smoothe things over for other people.

 

I thought the worse part was over, when, after a 5 year relationship ended with a girl i was going to marry, i went out with a few of my friends the next night, and I was the one who was cheering up my one depressed friend, controling my other friend, and smoothing over his relationship with his gf at the time.

 

That didn't bother me, I thought it was kind of funny, but recently i've been the "SHRINK" to people at work, etc.

 

And i think i felt and knew something was coming the day my ex-fiance called and described and explained to me all her problems with her current bf and on and on she went.

 

I started to, i don't know, i just felt, all the times I was cheering everybody else, i was falling and now, finally, i think I've fallen and don't know a way to get back up.

 

For when my friends are down, i knew and did everything i could to get them back up. THe problem is, i love my friends, i just don't think they really know how to cheer me up, and in reality , i don't even know how to cheer me up.

 

I thought, maybe it was the fact that i didn't really date or go out since i broke up, but i went out with a few woman, had a one night stand, but thats not it, problem is, thats not it at all.

 

I came to realize the other day, when my friend was being a jerk to his gf, and then he was sorry, but she left, and then he wanted me to go smoothe things over with her for him. I usually know what to say and what to do, i don't know, i guess it's a talent, but i have saved a many relationships and friendships, and well, i was like the "free shrink", somebody even told me i should've become a psychologist, anyway

 

I didn't know what to say or what to do, and i couldn't smoothe things over for him or her. It was like a mental block, and i don't know, I just couldn't do it.

 

And now, the realization is that, during the past few months, i was helping everybody, and i think i've fallen and i don't know what to do

[Tony T]

I think you are way too nice and way to available to your friends. Consequently you don't have enough energy for yourself.

 

Being all things to all people can be extremely draining. I hope you will consider being a good friend and also learning to say NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. You aren't obligated to save your friends. As a matter of fact, it is actually a detriment to their lives and their learning process for you to interfere in the way you have been doing. Oh yes, it's nice to help get friends back together but they learn NOTHING with you doing the work.

 

So back off quite a bit and start giving to yourself. Be generous to yourself.

 

Take inventory, just as I see you're doing by your post, and realize the ONLY person in the entire world capable of being great to you is YOU...if you have enough energy left.

 

Let your friends conduct their own lives. Be supportive of them but don't get into their crap.

 

You're way too nice and you'll pay a price for that.

 

My guess is that a good part of the reason for your recent break up was because you were way too nice. Your girlfriend was most likely irritated at the way your friends consumed you. If that was the case, she was right.

[Dante Inquisitor]

Yeah, that was probably a good reason, but we just grew apart and were becoming two different people. I guess we were young when we first met and I sort of was heading in one direction and she was heading in another.

 

But, i don't like to say bad things about anybody, so i won't, but i helped her and her family out on many occasions, even gave up what i went to college for and what my dream was, for her. And in the end, one of the major reasons we broke up, was because i took a job she wanted me to take, it paid very very very well, and it's a good career, but i didn't have much time for her family, my family, or our friends.

 

She got pissed when she visited her parents and relatives and all, who lived like 3 hours away, and i couldn't take off of work, and it was the first time really, in the entire relationship of 5 years, where I didn't do something for somebody else, because i really couldn't, i just started the job and all, but she took it as some sort of sign and then her family bombarded her and she was gone, never to come back.

 

I don't hold nothing against her or anybody else, she just wanted something different i guess, i wanted something different, and i'm not one who likes to do battles with the girl i'm going to marry, as well as with her entire family, over something both of us should deal with..

 

I don't know, being nice is who i am, and i'm not going to change that, it's just not possible. But i think over the years i have been way too nice and have been taken advantage of, but that's how i was raised and that's the way my family is, so that's just who i am.

 

But i think recently, I have become a little angry with people who i do things for who throw little things in my face and never appreciate what i do for them and then expect me to go out of my way all the time,

 

Yeah, can't expect everybody to be nice, but a nice thank you hear and there would go a long way,

 

and Thank you Tony, you're advice has been appreciated.

[Ashesmum]

The whole point is don't be taken advantage of. Even if your friends don't realize they're doing it, they are. Look out for yourself for a while. Let them deal with their own problems. And try to find a girl for more than just a one night stand.

Yeah, that was probably a good reason, but we just grew apart and were becoming two different people. I guess we were young when we first met and I sort of was heading in one direction and she was heading in another. But, i don't like to say bad things about anybody, so i won't, but i helped her and her family out on many occasions, even gave up what i went to college for and what my dream was, for her. And in the end, one of the major reasons we broke up, was because i took a job she wanted me to take, it paid very very very well, and it's a good career, but i didn't have much time for her family, my family, or our friends. She got pissed when she visited her parents and relatives and all, who lived like 3 hours away, and i couldn't take off of work, and it was the first time really, in the entire relationship of 5 years, where I didn't do something for somebody else, because i really couldn't, i just started the job and all, but she took it as some sort of sign and then her family bombarded her and she was gone, never to come back. I don't hold nothing against her or anybody else, she just wanted something different i guess, i wanted something different, and i'm not one who likes to do battles with the girl i'm going to marry, as well as with her entire family, over something both of us should deal with.. I don't know, being nice is who i am, and i'm not going to change that, it's just not possible. But i think over the years i have been way too nice and have been taken advantage of, but that's how i was raised and that's the way my family is, so that's just who i am. But i think recently, I have become a little angry with people who i do things for who throw little things in my face and never appreciate what i do for them and then expect me to go out of my way all the time, Yeah, can't expect everybody to be nice, but a nice thank you hear and there would go a long way, and Thank you Tony, you're advice has been appreciated.

[Taressa]

You've just ended up in an emotional desert for awhile. It happens to the nicest of people who haven't learned to protect themselves with the word no.

 

You sound like a wonderful friend and considerate man. I think your gentle heart tends to draw people who are lacking something emotionally. You draw them and then you pour yourself out for them.

 

It will take a little while to rebuild and sadly, it may have to be something you do alone this time. Be good to yourself and allow yourself opportunity to relax and enjoy these spring-to-summer days.

 

There is an excellent book I read last year that might help you if you're interested. It is called "Boundaries" and is written by Dr's Cloud and Townsend. They also have a book, "Boundaries in Dating" which is the book that turned my life around last year. I've learned to protect my peace of mind and self-respect. Perhaps it could help you too.

 

Hang in there in this tough time. Don't waste energy playing the blame game. You are strong, gentle, and kind. You will be okay.

 

Taressa

[hmmmmm....]

i've always kind of been in the same situation with my friends, i was always the one who would console, rationalize, or smoothe over the problems of others, mainly because my life was pretty (almost frighteningly) steady for a while.

 

then, like you, i broke up with the girl that was keeping my life steady. all of a sudden i was just alone. i didn't know what to do with myself. i wasnt nearly as helpful to my friends as i was before, i could listen to their problems and that was about it. the worst thing was i didnt know what to do about me. i spent about a year not knowing what i was looking for, not knowing how to be single but not really wanting to be with anyone.

 

i dont know about you, but i felt as though i couldnt go to my friends. i had always been the strong one, the one who could see the light at the end of the tunnels they were going through, the one who had all of the answers. it was buil into my personality. all of a sudden, i was in the dark, and i had no freaking idea where the light was at. but i couldnt ask for help. i tried to make believe everything was ok. if i asked for help, there was my crack, there was the flaw.

 

that went on until i just couldnt take it. it got to the point where i couldnt sleep, i had no idea what to do with myself. i would load my mp3 player up with sad songs or self-pitying songs and just walk around my neighborhood until the sun came up or i was just too tired and physically needed to sleep.

 

i wish i could tell you my miracle cure, the instant fix-all that got me through it, but there really wasnt one. it just slowly went away. i talked to some of my friends about it, they didnt seem to be all that helpful either. i was almost bitter about that. it's a terrible thing to say, but i was almost upset at the fact that i had helped them through so much, and here i was in arguably the lowest point of my life and it was like they had no clue. but what can they do, if they've never been there they're only shooting in the dark.

 

i'm not really sure where i'm going with this, i thought some little snippet of wisdom would have materialized by now. i guess all i can tell you is to keep your head up. you may think you always knew the answers to your friend's problems, like that was just natural, but you didnt. it came with practice. and dealing with your own problems comes with practice too. unfortunately, when you dont know exactly what to tell a friend it doesnt kick you in the ass as much as not knowing what to tell yourself.

 

eventually, though, you'll find something. one good thing that came from that is i got to know myself alot better. i finally figured out what was really me and what was the shell that i wanted myself to be.

 

and the best part? they werent all that different. i just had to accept that that shell did have cracks, that i was going to ##### up, and my life wasn't going to be perfect. i'm not saying that it's going to be the same for you, but you'll learn about yourself.

 

hope you havent fallen asleep reading this, but hey, it's hopefully a little more productive than falling asleep to tool's "sober" in your lawn.