Amethyst68 Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 You don't need your own place for visitation. Is there a reason the baby can't come to your cousin's place or you can't take him to a park or baby friendly restaurant for a couple of hours? You don't want to be accused of child abandonment by your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 (edited) Don't get caught in the psychological trap of trying to figure out her motives, if she is intentionally cruel, etcetera. The more important question is if she knew, would she even care? Probably not. This is her way of functioning and she obviously has little concern to the damage it does to others. The most important things to ask yourself are: Do you enjoy being treated this way? Does it make you feel better about yourself? Does it motivate you to be a more authentic, happier version of yourself? Let your answers, and your feelings about them, be your guide. If something feels like a bad situation, it's because it's a bad situation. Don't deny or dismiss your feelings. They are there to guide you. Trying to justify an abuser's actions only enables their bad behavior. Abusers/manipulators use your eagerness to forgive them as a way to keep control over you to continue their abuse. What you need is time away and distance to clear the fog in your thinking. The more you are away from her, the clearer you will see how she manipulated you. Then you'll be better equipped to make decisions to protect yourself and your son. It's like you are detoxing now by being away from her. Stay away as much as possible until you get the clarity you need to act in the best interested of yourself and your child. Good luck! Edited October 19, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel Typos Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 Is there a posibility that she doesn´t know she has bee abusing me? No. She knows exactly what she is doing. She wanted complete control of you and she got it. She didn't care what she was doing to you so don't make excuses for her. Man up. Think of your child. If he stays with her then he's going to be brainwashed by her and abuse people in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 I also suggest that maybe opening a savings account for your son, placing money in every month. That way he has future financial support. She probably never uses the money you send on him, probably spends it on herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 A loving parent provides food, shelter, utilities, clothing, and lots of love. If she wants to buy luxury stuff for the baby, she can pay for that herself. He'll never care if he's sleeping in a $30 crib or $3,000 crib. Maybe she's not aware of how damaging her behavior is - but that doesn't excuse it. You can't tolerate abuse from anyone. She needs to know she can't treat people that way. As your son gets older, it would be more and more damaging for him to see this kind of behavior modeled on a daily basis. He needs a strong dad to look up to, not some beaten-down servant. Be strong! You're doing what's best for all involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 I also suggest that maybe opening a savings account for your son, placing money in every month. That way he has future financial support. She probably never uses the money you send on him, probably spends it on herself. Spoken like someone who is totally clueless what it means to be a single mom.... now do you really think she isn't spending money on her baby? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 (edited) It’s probably fair to make contingency plans to ensure that his child is financially provided for given what has been shared about this woman’s greed and her judgment related to finances. I wouldn’t trust this woman to do the right thing by her child. It seems based on what has been posted that her primary concern is herself. Putting some money in trust for the child is probably a very wise thing to do. Edited October 20, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 to give an example, you may think she spend all the money she takes from me to buy **** for herself, and she dont´t as far as i know all she buy are stuff for the baby the thing is she likes expensive stuff like last time she spent more than half my paycheck just on the baby´s crib basically she buy expensive stuff but for the baby ….. Right.... like I said... he indicates she is spending the money on expensive stuff for the baby so I am not sure how you got to the idea that she isn't spending money on the baby. IMP OP needs to get his stuff in order before thinking of opening a trust fund for the baby. At this point seeing a lawyer about the best way forward to ensure visitation with his child would be good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 I certainly agree. There needs to be a legal agreement related to custody and child support. That is, assuming that he ends his relationship with this woman. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 Your wife is a pitiless financial abuser. You are aware of this because you have shared her other appallingly controlling and selfish behavior around money. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. You will need to gather the strength to get out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rabsaque Posted October 21, 2019 Author Share Posted October 21, 2019 Well thank you all for your advice and kind words, indeed she was an abuser i'm aware of that now let me give you an update on how i am doing rigth now Next day afther i leave she was harassing me over the phone arguing i had stolen stuff from the house, i came to find 22+ calls and some WhatsApp texts from her calling me a criminal and a coward, i just answer her that only thing o took from house was my clothes and laptop. currently i'm with my cousin sleeping on his couch till i get on my feet, she left me with no money at all so luckily ha have being able to do some freelancing and get some bucks here and there i also sold my laptop so i have enough money to survive, i do freelance programming work by going to a local cybercafe so i'm getting by decently. Last day she called me to say she found all the stuff she said i stole and apologized to me but just like -"well i found all my stuff sorry for calling you a robber". Currently im working on a new company with better pay but i will not get my salary till end of the month so basically i'm surviving till i get paid then i will be able to move out off my cousin's and get an room or something closer to my office cause rigth now i'm far far away since my cousin and i lived on different ends of the same city, once i get my salary to i will send an reasonable amount to her so she can feed the baby buy diapers and so, once i have a place to live i will get a lawyer and file for custody or visitation, baby is too small rigth now so i don't know if i should wait a little for this he doesn't even is old enough to eat solids he still has to be breastfeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Londy Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 since then my wife has been calling me on the phone and texting calling me a coward Well, you ARE afraid of her, she's not wrong. Maybe that's your cue to grow a set. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 Friend, I would run, not walk, to a lawyer. You need a legal agreement with this woman detailing how much and when you will pay child support. Do not wait and do not trust her for a minute. Protect yourself, and your child. You are far too trusting for your own good... Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 Don’t just file for custody and visitation - file for divorce! She needs to go to work! When the baby is with you - you can feed the baby a bottle. You will need to work out an agreement - but if she’s working you will be paying her less child support. If you haven’t been married long term you may not have to pay spousal support. Stand firm on visitation and mainly pay her the money the court awards her. IF the child needs other things you buy it - don’t hand her money. Any money she’s paid be sure you have a paper trail to prove you paid her the support money. If not I’d bet she claims you aren’t paying. Sorry you’re struggling to the end of the month - hope things turn around at the start of Nov. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 This is self-abuse. You're treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rabsaque Posted October 22, 2019 Author Share Posted October 22, 2019 Don’t just file for custody and visitation - file for divorce! She needs to go to work! When the baby is with you - you can feed the baby a bottle. You will need to work out an agreement - but if she’s working you will be paying her less child support. If you haven’t been married long term you may not have to pay spousal support. Stand firm on visitation and mainly pay her the money the court awards her. IF the child needs other things you buy it - don’t hand her money. Any money she’s paid be sure you have a paper trail to prove you paid her the support money. If not I’d bet she claims you aren’t paying. Sorry you’re struggling to the end of the month - hope things turn around at the start of Nov. No need to file for divorce at least on this country, our marriage is not legal here unless we hire some lawyer and make it legal or get married here, back on home country it is but i have nothing there i sold all my stuff before leaving and not planning going back soon so for now visitation or custody is the goal. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 Is there an official child support guideline where you’re living now? I’d take a look at it to make sure you aren’t overpaying before you send in any money. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rabsaque Posted October 22, 2019 Author Share Posted October 22, 2019 (edited) Is there an official child support guideline where you’re living now? I’d take a look at it to make sure you aren’t overpaying before you send in any money. Actually it is, here in Peru is 20% income i would look to send that on cash and tne rest whathever baby needs i will buy it myself and collect the bills keeping a record, thats what lawyer said since mi wife its going to start a new job on January as a teacher, lawyer told me just send some money to him keep a record and wait for her to start her new job, if judge sees she doesn't work and she convinces him she only takes care of the baby they will take even a 60% of my salary so best way to proceed since she is not showing sings of wanting to sue, she is very bussy right now planning a visit trip to our home country for holydays so i will use that as an advantage. I have collected many proofs or her abuse so lawyer is telling me i have a good chance to get custody or at least a good visitation schedule. Edited October 22, 2019 by rabsaque 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 23, 2019 Share Posted October 23, 2019 I’m so glad you have legal representation! Link to post Share on other sites
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