I'm going on a date with a teacher from my kids' school district

[Trail Blazer]

So, first of all, I didn't hit on a teacher from my kids' school and then ask her out on a date. We connected through Bumble.

 

With that out of the way, I was wondering what people's thoughts are. What's the first thing that comes to mind? I mean, personally I don't care what other people think about me. However, as we all know, schools can be a brutal place at times, so I'm mindful that what I do here could very well have a negative impact on my children.

 

It's important to add that the school district isn't within a large metropolitan area. My kids and their mom live in a town 50 miles from downtown Portland. The township has a population of only 6,000 people. I used to live there, too, before separating with their mom two years ago. It's a tight community within the Willamette Valley, and like all small towns, every one knows everyone and everyone gossips about everyone else's business.

 

So, the teacher, who we'll call 'S' specializes in Music and Languages - which she teaches at High School. She also runs a learning program for middle and high school students. Neither of my kids are at High School yet, however, the programs she runs overlaps many levels, and all the schools within the district intrinsically linked and culturally intertwined. She may not teach my kids yet, but there's very little separating the two.

 

We've only been talking since Wednesday night. I'd de-activated Bumble and Tinder for two weeks as I was finding the swiping aspect very distracting and addictive, so I thought it would be better to concentrate on my current matches, rather than accumulating more and more. There's only so many days I have free for dates! Haha.

 

So, anyway, after the second no-show date in as many weeks, I was frustrated and re-activated my Tinder and Bumble accounts again that night. We matched almost instantly on Bumble and hit it off straight away.

 

"S" has a 10 year old son, whom I'm as of yet unsure if he also attends the same public school that she teaches and my kids attend, or the only other scbool in the area which is a private school. Her son is a year older than my daughter, so they potentially know each other if he goes to the same school.

 

I don't know if I'm after a relationship yet, but if I was going to get into a relationship, this is as promising a start I've had since I first connected with my ex-girlfriend 18 months ago. I don't want to label anything before a first date has even happened, but I also don't want to set limits, either. I don't wish to be caught out unprepared if things do happen to take off.

 

I keep feeling like it's slightly inappropriate to date her and worry that my kids might be negatively impacted in some kind of way. But then I am more leaning towards the thought that, at the end of the day, teaching is just what she does during the day to earn a living. She's just as entitled to find love as the next person and dating for people in rural communities would almost certainly mean that someone you know is going to know the person you're seeing.

 

We are going on a date Sunday afternoon. S is coming to my area (15 miles closer to Portland) as her sister lives closeby to me and she will look after her son while we grab a coffee. I am actually excited about this date. She seems like a woman of high integrity, is very intelligent and is looks classy (dresses very stylish in her photos).

Edited October 18, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[ajequals]

just have fun ,see where it goes ..tells us how it went

[Rayce]

You have no idea what the future holds... your kids may never end up at the school where she teaches. Even if they did I would hope she would be professional enough not to harm your kids futures. I say go out with her and see what happen. Wishing you lots of fun and happiness!

[d0nnivain]

It's fine. This woman is not your kids' teacher. She is not giving them grades. As long as that remains true, you're fine & it's nobody else's business.

[Trail Blazer]

just have fun ,see where it goes ..tells us how it went

 

Yes, will do. I have a good feeling about this one. At the very least, I'm certain she'll show up!

[Trail Blazer]

You have no idea what the future holds... your kids may never end up at the school where she teaches. Even if they did I would hope she would be professional enough not to harm your kids futures. I say go out with her and see what happen. Wishing you lots of fun and happiness!

It's highly unlikely that my kids won't be at the same high school. It's the only public one in the town. In any case, runs programs now which filters over to middle school. I don't think my son, who is 13, is part of any of those programs, though.

 

Thanks for the well wishes. My due a good date. After thr last two being no-shows and s couple of duds prior to that, it'd be nice to hit it off with someone again. This one seems serious, but not way too keen to the point of being off-putting.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're way overthinking this--and I'm a teacher. Anyone you date in that small township will turn out to have a connection to someone else in your life.

 

There is not one bit of strangeness to going out on a date with a teacher in the same school district as your son. I'm sorta lost here.

 

You could go out with a police officer--guess what ... that police officer will have interacted with someone you know. You could go out with a nurse ... guess what? ... a doctor ... a mail carrier ... a town Uber driver ... a woman who manages a popular local coffee shop, a manager of a popular restaurant ... All will have some connection to you or your children.

 

News to you: Ms. Teacher has already gone out on dates with other residents of that township, including people with children attending school in that township!

 

Go enjoy the date.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Not at all inappropriate. Just go and have fun and know that if you become a couple you may just have some additional issues with discretion and privacy, but you are not doing anything wrong.

[Trail Blazer]

News to you: Ms. Teacher has already gone out on dates with other residents of that township, including people with children attending school in that township!

That's a fair assumption to make, but it's not actually correct. She moved here from Portland three years ago as she wanted a change of scenery in a quiet country town. She got out of the city to escape bad memories and start fresh after separating from her psycho ex, whom she told me has borderline personality disorderal and PTSD.

 

As of today, she told me the restraining order is no longer required, her ex has had therapy and no longer required supervised visits, so he has their son every second weekend. This has allowed her to date in the last year. However, she told me that the three dates she's been on, all of them have been to people who live closer to town.

 

I'm the closest in proximity she's ever connected with, and even then I'm almost 20 miles away. It just feels closer to home because I used to live in the same town and my kids and ex-wife still do.

 

My ex-wife is very active in her community and knows a lot of people in the area. From what I can gather, she conveyed to a few people how she was none to impressed by my last relationship, where my kids were involved after six months of dating. I understand what you're saying but what I'm saying is that it has the potential to get very awkward. Not for me, as I couldn't give a damn, but potentially for me kids, that's all I'm thinking of here.

Edited October 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Gretchen12]

It's not clear why you think dating this woman would negatively impact your kids. To me it looks like old fashioned wholesomeness. You could have practically met in church (if you go). No one is planning on doing anything compromsing to the other.

 

Yet you are concerned. You then mentioned something about your ex's assessment of your last relationship. Do you still feel under the scrutiny and judgement of the children's mother? Is that how the children will be impacted? You are divorced. You are allowed to date and have new relationships.

[mortensorchid]

Oh Lord ... I am speaking as a teacher myself to you with all due respect ...

 

We live in a strange world right now, you have no idea what will happen and what people will take and make crazy and embellish. Now, the two of you connected by a means outside of meeting face to face, as you said, so you are innocent of that. Whatever does or doesn't happen, keep this information to yourself. You can't believe how people can and will needle into your business and how it's expected that teachers are the model of excellence. We live in a puritanical nation and if you are off by even an inch, people will take it and run with it. Parents (and kids alike) are vain and narcissistic and, in my many experiences with parents, are willfully ignorant.

 

Proceed with much caution. Now things could be that you two could meet, decide you're not right for one another, and that's that. But ... Keep this information to yourself by all means.

[Trail Blazer]

Oh Lord ... I am speaking as a teacher myself to you with all due respect.

So, my take on what you're saying is that in your opinion my concerns aren't unfounded?

 

It Is true that we might meet and not wish to take things further. However, I treat every date as potentially my next significant other. I don't date without the idea that it will lead to something more meaninfful.

 

Because of that, I consider personal circumstances as equally important as compatibility. If either one is off, it can mean the death knell for moving forward, and I'd rather work those things out sooner rather than later.

[fromheart]

Dating the teacher? Awesome. Just have fun bro. Take her out on the Gorge, enjoy Fall.

[Blind-Sided]

Dating a teacher is great!! If you do something wrong... she will just make you do it again, until you get it right. LOL. (Sorry, I thought that was funny)

 

 

Anyway... as far as your situation... just go and have fun. You don't know where it will lead, and not all meetings lead to a relationship. You may have fun, and nothing evolves. OR... you could get married. (Who knows)

 

 

Some how, I have 4 teachers from my kids school in my neighborhood, who I interact with all the time. They are just people, but I don't worry about who I am around them, or how my actions could effect my kids later.

[FMW]

I think I would be more concerned about the "psycho ex".

[Trail Blazer]

I think I would be more concerned about the "psycho ex".

There is that. I need to get a better read on that situation. She seems to be very open and honest about her situation.

[Trail Blazer]

So, I'd received a message from S, saying that Sunday would be a bit tricky and could we perhaps make it Tuesday evening (we had already discussed that as an option) as I'd be picking up my kids from school and dropping them back to their mom's house that night, so I'd be in the area.

 

S, who's sister lives in the same town as me, will be babysitting her niece and nephew while her sister and her husband will be off for the day. The plan was that her sister and husband would return in the afternoon, she'd then leave her son at their place and grab a coffee late afternoon with me. She was aplogetic and explained that her sister and husband wouldn't be coming back until later in the evening now, so it would probably be too late by then.

 

"Not a problem" I thought, as it sounded like a perfectly genuine reason. And, unlike my other dates who've cancelled on me, she's been the only one to reschedule then and there. So, I have no reason to feel like she will stuff me around. She's already assured me that her aunt can have her son Tuesday, as it's a fortnightly arrangement where they go for dinner to her house.

 

Anyway, there's a little twist...

 

At the point at which I checked my phone and received the message from S, I had a "buzz in the hive" from a girl who turned out to be a high school teacher as well. There are some strange parallels with this one, as well as a few "It's a small world" moments.

 

We hit it off really well and spoke for quite some time. She lives in a rural town, 55 miles away from me. It's the same town my ex-girlfriend grew up in. My ex-girlfriend also has a much younger brother, who's doing his final year of High School. I stopped short of going into too much detail, but 'M' as we'll call her, pretty much said that she knows all the students and their families. My ex's dad owns a transport business in the area, so the family is well known in the community.

 

M is 30 with no kids, just a golden retreiver. M also has a sister who lives in the same town as I do. M heads back to Portland every weekend, but calls past her sister's house for dinner Sunday evenings as it's somewhat of a halfway point between her township and down town Portland. It's only a very slight detour off the highway.

 

I'm not one to waste time, so I asked M if she'd like to catch up for a coffee. She said she would be calling through on Friday night, en route to Portland, "if that works for you?" I told her it would. She said, "Great. I look forward to meeting you! Just one thing, I'll have my dog with me, so we better make it a takeout coffee lol."

 

I have a great dog park close by to me, so I suggested we do just that then head to the dog park afterwards. M said that her sister told her about that dog park and she's wanted to try it out for a while. I told M I'd just checked the weather forecast and that thankfully it was "dry and 65." "Perfect" M said! She told me she'd be in touch again closer to the date, but really looked forward to it (with a couple of blush smile emojis).

 

Here's the thing, I really like both of them. S is 36 with a 10 year old son, has more baggage and a crazy ex. But she lives around the corner from my kids, in a town in which I'm consisering moving back to at some point. M, on the other hand, is 30 and has no kids. She can meet up at a drop of a hat, but lives a lot further away.

 

Hmmmm. What if I like them both equally after our respective dates?

Edited October 20, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[Lotsgoingon]

A first date is only an initial feeler. You don't fall madly in love 99 percent of the time on a first date--and if you do fall madly in love, you want to question that feeling, because you don't really know the person. You're likely just infatuated.

 

The mission of a first date is to see if you want to go out on a second date. That's it! ... You like each person enough to ask for a second date? That's easy: then you ask each person out on a second date! What's the problem? You keep going until you want to focus on one person, and that's often after you kiss someone and really like the kiss.

 

But it's extreme rare to go out with two people four or five times, and feel like you are equally interested in both people. If that is the case, then likely, your relationship screener is malfunctioning, or your chemistry detector is on the fritz.

 

And you should understand that the people you are meeting are also likely meeting others ... and may go on a second date with you and with someone else. This is definitely not a problem to concern yourself with now. You are quite the worrier, it seems.

[Trail Blazer]

You are quite the worrier, it seems.

 

I agree with everything you said in the post. But no, I'm not in the slightest bit worried. My post was intended to be light hearted. I'll date them both and see where it leads. I'm sure I'll figure it all out. Hehe.

[Trail Blazer]

I've just gotten back home from my date with the teacher. It went really well. There's a few minor red flags, but nothing that I'm really too concerned about. We hit it off well and we're going to meet up again Thursday.

[Blind-Sided]

Glad to hear that. A minor flag may not be anything in reality. If it was a action... could be nervousness. If it was something said... could just be a misunderstanding.

 

 

Keep us posted.

[Trail Blazer]

The minor red flag wasn't an action. It's more to do with her ex-husband and family.

 

She explained about her psycho ex. He has PTSD and borderline personality disorder. He's Iranian. He witnessed a lot of violence throughout the Iran-Iraq War. He's got a new partner now and she's a clinical psychologist he met whilst in treatment. She assures me he's not a problem these days.

 

She's been single for five years. Has only started dating in the last month. Her best friend pushed her to go on to Bumble. I'm only her third date she's been on. Neither of the two previously got to a second date. She's very intelligent and well spoken. Post grad, speaks four languages (including Farsi) and plays a lot instruments (she teaches language and music).

 

She explained that she's very close to her ex-husband's mother. Her ex's mother is coming over to stay for 90 days from Iran (I'm surprised she even got a Visa these days) and she isn't staying with her son, she's staying with 'S'. The mother is scared of her son as she dealt with his outbursts throughout his upbringing.

 

So, I guess she has some baggage, a son whom she has almost full time, a defacto mother in law who'll be spending three months with her, and on top of that she's got a hectic work schedule so has very little free time.

[fishlips]

How do you feel about her son? I do think you will need to deal with the ex if things become serious, since he will have to help parent his son. I think the fact that his mother is scared of him should be of some concern to you. Have you met him?

 

If you like both of them equally, I think there would be far less drama if you date that woman who only has a dog.

Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Trail Blazer]

The dad has the son every second weekend. Things are better than they ever have been as he's receiving the right treatment and is very lucky to have found someone who's a clinical psychologist to boot.

 

The mother is scared of her husband as well. He beats her, or used to beat her and all the kids, including S's ex husband. I guess that's probably normal in that culture. S told me the mother is more comfortable staying with her than her son, even though she accepts he's better after his treatment.

 

The 30 year old, childless teacher with the dog would be a lot less drama. That date is still on for Friday. The only problem there is that she lives 55 miles away in a tiny rural town. But at least her sister lives in the same town as I do, on the outskirts of Portland, so she comes up every second weekend.

 

Re the date with teacher S on Thursday, she told me her son is on school camp, so "it's a very rare oppportunity" then she said, "an opportunity for a few more drinks than the bare minimum."

 

The watering hole she suggested we meet is very close to her house. Her son is out of town and she implied we drink more than the legal driving limit. I don't know what she's wanting or expecting to happen. I could tell she really liked me, especially the message she sent me this morning, so I guess we'll wait and see.

Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Marc878]

JMO having an X in the mix in anyway is gonna be drama no matter what.

 

Better rethink that one.