LTRs that don't last

[mortensorchid]

I was thinking about this factor a while ago when someone posted on another forum I frequent. And for specifics, this may sound strange but this was on a fan forum for the Golden Girls : The women on the show talk about their past experiences (of course as it was part of the mythology of the show) but they all seemed to have a lot of long term friendships. I admit, things have changed quite a bit since these fictional characters were in high school, but they all seem to keep all their friends for years and years.

 

This is not the case anymore for a variety of reasons. Nowadays it seems like once someone is out of sight, they are out of mind. This is the case with friendships and work relationships as well - once the job comes to an end or they graduate from high school, college, etc. it's over and done with. Why? Well, as I see it, people move on because they don't have anything in common anymore. They start something new, and that's that. High school? High school is not a pleasant experience for most of us anymore when it seemed like in the GG days it was a wonderful one. Now it's all Mean Girls and caddiness and jealousies, which is a shame, but it's what it is.

 

What do others think about this? Have you had similar experiences?

[Artdeco]

Generally speaking, I think everything is more fast-paced nowadays, and people's attention spans are much shorter compared to the "olden days". We just have too many choices, have to deal with too many different impressions and experiences and options, etc. and it's just hard to keep up. Everything is replaceable, incl. people, unfortunately. People have no patience anymore. Things have become overwhelming. Nobody has time for other people anymore.

 

Personally speaking, I had a very positive HS experience, and I am still friends with a handful of people almost 30 yrs later (and they have moved around, as have I, but we still make a point in getting together on a regular basis). These "old" friends are my closest friends, but I don't see them as much as I see other people, unfortunately. "Other people" are colleagues, acquaintances, and friends whom I have met later in life, like in my 30s, early 40s, and they are not half as close to me as those who I know from HS.

[RecentChange]

It also depends on what you cultivate.

 

Granted she is from an older generation but my step mom has a huge social circle, friends that were co-workers 30 years ago. Friends that she met while they both had children in elementary school, and she even has friends from high school.

 

I am 41 - my oldest friend is my neighbor I grew up with, we still keep in touch.

 

Next would be the woman I still call my best friend, we met when we were 12 and we're thick as thieves through our teen years. We are still friends and talk often.

 

Next a group of guys and gals, about 6 of us that met in college - we graduated in 2002 so it's been a while now that we have all known each other. We will be meeting up at the end of the month for a surprise party - I met the birthday girl in 2001.

 

I have always kept work and social time separate - so o don't socialize with my coworkers.

 

But the friends I have met from my neighborhood, through school or riding I do keep in touch with.

[alphamale]

I have 3 male friends that I've know since 1980. That's almost 40 years. We still get together 2 or 3 times per year

[basil67]

Outside of the fictional GGs, what are you basing this comparison on?

[Foxhall]

I always thought it was easy enough for girls/women to make and maintain friendships,

 

fair enough there can be bitchiness and jealousy and so on from time to time but generally women like to maintain contact and friendships?

 

its harder for guys to have good friendships,

 

my country with guys anyway tends to be somewhat cliquey in this regard, guys who are good buddies and so on tend to have had those friendships since childhood,and its not easy break into that unless one is of an outgoing nature.

 

tomorrow for instance, Ireland play New Zealand in the rugby and Ill be watching that at home on the tv, ten years ago I might have been meeting buddies and watching it in a pub,

that does frustrate me slightly but Ive got used to it now (lacking the few buddies) and have other interests and pursuits to compensate.

 

one has to push themselves to make new friends but speaking personally I cant be bothered making the effort a lot of the time. I suppose its about being met half way too, if feel getting some encouragement from the other person then that helps with a friendship,

 

it is frustrating and demoralising though if you are trying to find a friend and not getting much friendship back in return.

[alphamale]

I think the best and longest lasting friendships start in primary school

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Not true at all for me. Tomorrow is my 25th college reunion at my alma mater and I'm still friends with a ton of those people, some very close friends I travel with every year. Thanks to Facebook I'm friends with some high school friends, too, although I've really only seen a few of them in person in recent years.

[FMW]

My friendships from college forward to about 15 years ago have drifted away. I've lived in many different locations, many miles apart, over the years and those friendships were not maintained over distance. I have fond memories of them, and hope they do of me, but when you no longer are in geographic proximity my experience is they are put in the past.

 

I've made new friends at each location and again, have great memories of them. But when you no longer share location and common every day experiences, life gets busy and they slowly fade away. People get busy with their spouses and children, work, church, etc.

 

I'm fortunate to have a lot of good friends where I've been now for over 15 years. Most of those have been made in the past 4 years since my marriage broke up and who share a lot of the interests and pastimes I have now that I didn't have while married. I had fewer friends while married - probably because I had less time to give them.

 

As my experiences and situations in life have changed over the years, my friend groups have changed as well. My lifelong deep relationships are with family, they have been easier to maintain when moving from location to location than non-family.

[mortensorchid]

Outside of the fictional GGs, what are you basing this comparison on?

 

My mom and some of her friends - she had one friend (who died about 20 years ago now), they met in 9th grade because their lockers were next to each other and were friends for over 40 years. Granted, the two of them were soulmates in every way possible, and it was an exceptional relationship. She maintained a lot of relationships with her high school/college friends for many years afterwards, but they all moved on eventually.

[Blanco]

I was fortunate to have some good friends from high school that I got even closer with through our college years and twenties. Things have tapered a bit in our thirties due to logistical issues (work, distance, wife/kids), but I still stay in touch with a few of them on a near-daily basis. I don't particularly enjoy texting, but it does help bridge the gap between when we can all get together.

[basil67]

My late 70's parents do see some of their old friends through a mutual sport, but they aren't close. If they stopped attending, they wouldn't see the friends anymore.

 

I'm gen X and I have two dear friends who I met in 1980 in 7th grade who I see about 3 or 4 times per year.

 

My niece was born in 1983 and has dear friends who she has known since grade school.

 

So yes, long friendships sometimes happen and sometimes not. I don't think that era or school behaviour has anything to do with it...and school bullies have existed since schooling began.

Edited October 19, 2019 by basil67

[mortensorchid]

Outside of the fictional GGs, what are you basing this comparison on?

 

I also base this on knowing some older people. My friend Pat who just passed away at age 78 said she had had most of her friends for about 60 years. Not that I knew any of them but I was under the impression they still did things together.

 

However, I do agree with most of the observations put forth here. I think attention spans are much shorter, people don't value long standing friendships anymore. I have had both extremes - I have one childhood friend we'd known since preschool (we lived on the same street as kids), one from my junior high school years - Thanks to Facebook we stay connected and we talk once or a few times a year. I also fell out with two childhood friends after 20+ years (both of them were very extreme users and I realized I was clinging to the memories more than I was the person they really were). However, I realized as well there in my case there was some OCD behavior and I had to let go of that, which I did, and I think I'm happier without it. That's a separate issue, but I am, in general, happy to be by myself because I have no choice but to be in many situations.

 

Also, in my case, I am happy to say that I have several friends I have known for 20+ years now which I didn't meet during my school years, it came after that, of which I am happy.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My oldest friend is from primary school. We still keep in touch despite many moves and sometimes not seeing each other for years. Last year we spent 2 weeks in France together.

 

 

My current group of friends I have known for 15 years. I met them under unusual circumstances - my then bf was cheating on me with the girl that ended up becoming my best friend. She ditched the guy right away. Through her, I met all the others. These friendships also survived many moves.

 

 

I have never been able to make long term friends at work. It was always over once the job was over.

[Watercolors]

GenXer here.

 

Like my parents generation, people brought their early childhood friendships with them, as they grew up into adulthood, having friendships that lasted about 40+ years. My mother's now in a nursing home, yet she still receives cards from friends she knew when she was 5 years old.

 

Now? I think technology has shortened people's attention spans.

 

Yes, Facebook and social media will connect you with friends you lost touch with. But, will it cultivate that relationship offline? I don't think so. I think people have become resigned (?) or complacent to the point where having digital friendships can replace their need for cultivating a social life offline.

 

While it's fun to see high school and college friends' lives online, if they never invite you to hang out with them in person, then do you really consider yourselves "friends" again? I don't.

 

I don't have any work friends (obv. why) but I do keep in touch with friends from my past. I hate Facebook but its the only way I can keep in touch with people. No one answers their phone anymore. I miss those Reality Bites days pre-cellphone where all you had was one LAN line phone with one answering machine, that had one cassette tape in it, to record messages when people called you. No caller ID. No voicemail. If you didn't have an answering machine, then you just drover over to the person's house. It was no big deal. Now, even the way we socialize in person has changed because of cellphones and the internet.

 

Yes, I'm a GenX curmudgeon.