JuneGirl Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 I have about 3-4 very trusted friends in my circle. We've been there for each others ups and downs throughout the years. So lately my friends are people I've been turning to from my recent break up. One of my friends has basically shown interest in me and said that he has feelings for me, a lot of them. I just got taken aback and said that I'm fresh out of a relationship ( with a person who was also a friend at one point and not anymore), and that it wouldn't be fair to him since 1.5 month post break up is still rebound area to me. I have no idea how to approach this situation. Obviously I do need to consider his feelings and back off and distance myself. It's confusing though. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 I suspect that you aren't interested. Your first reaction it to put up barriers and say you need space to consider feelings that you don't really have. You want to back off and you just don't know what to do when your actions are saying the opposite. I don't see anything wrong with what your friend did. He waited a respectable amount of time. He didn't ask you on a date he just told you how he felt hoping for a positive response but if not then at least to plant a seed so that in the future you would consider him. You only owe him the truth but when you do be prepared to lose another friend. Once the love card is played it's difficult to take it back. He's more likely to fold. On the other hand it must be gratifying to find the opposite sex buzzing around you like little worker bees. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 I have no idea how to approach this situation So that's a clear sign that you need to do nothing. Not that you would, but don't use him for an ego boost while you're getting over your breakup. Gently let him know you're just not ready for anything more than friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 You now know this man likes you. You also know that you are not emotionally available right now. You just got burned by a former friend turned romantic partner so you are understandably wary. For now, do nothing. Don't flirt with him. Put some distance in here but don't end the friendship. Do be warm & gracious when you see him in a friend group setting but avoid being alone with him. Do not talk to him about your breakup. Do not talk to him about any potential with him. Give yourself time to heal & reflect from your break up. When you are feeling stronger give some genuine thought to how you feel about him. If you want to pursue a relationship with him tell him. If you are not interested, let him down as gently as possible & let him set the pace for your continued interactions. I had a dear friend of almost 20 years decide he liked me. I was lonely & bored. He is cute & funny. I started a FWB thing with him which turned into a mess because he had feelings which I didn't share. When I ended the benefits, we drifted a part. We grew even farther apart when I started dating the man who is now my husband. I was always kind & gracious to my friend. I hated hurting him but I let him set the pace. We certainly aren't as close as we had been before we started having sex but we do talk occasionally & he was there for me when my parents died. One of the reasons we were able to get back on track is I let him set the pace. It is possible to keep the friendship after you reject the romance but you have to let the person with the broken heart set the terms. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted October 19, 2019 Share Posted October 19, 2019 JuneGirl this is one of those times you don't stay silent due to your own fear or perceived fear about the outcome. Unless you want to use him as a friends-with-benefits to rebound with to help you get over your fresh breakup. If this guy really is a close friend, you need to respect his feelings and show and tell him that you are not interested in anything romantic with him. Yes, you're in an awkward situation with him because he is a close friend and you are not attracted to him. He needs to know this, so he can move on and make himself available for women who are emotionally available and interested in him. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 If you are not interested in him romantically, this is the time to tell him and let him off the hook, because all you basically did was infer maybe later. Link to post Share on other sites
Tagalz Posted October 23, 2019 Share Posted October 23, 2019 Don’t do anything. That’s all I got to say (: Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuneGirl Posted November 9, 2019 Author Share Posted November 9, 2019 I took all your advice and said I wasnt interested then backed off big time. Today he got a bit drunk, and came to me, expressing extreme interest, and kept asking me if there was a chance for us sometime in the future. It felt so weird and awkward but I have no feelings like that toward him. He told me he's afraid to be in the friends zone forever, but I said I only see him as a friend and that's it. Then he was like "that sounds like a Maybe in the future no, rather than a hard no". I said, this is a "hard no". Pretty sure I lost a friend today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 This is why men shouldn't be "friends" with women they are interested in romantically. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuneGirl Posted November 9, 2019 Author Share Posted November 9, 2019 At least I'm not leading him on or using him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 At least I'm not leading him on or using him. thats true junegirl....losing a friend is hard but its kinder to him.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 At least I'm not leading him on or using him. Junegirl you really are one in a million. A straight forward answer and understanding was all that was required and you came through with flying colors. There is nothing to reproach yourself about. You friend may not see this at the moment because he is in an emotional fog but he will later and I think that his respect for you will grow with the understanding of how you showed respect for him. That doesn't mean that the friendship can go back to what it was but maybe something different will come out of it. There is no blame to place here so just be sympathetic and understanding towards him. It's a terrible world to live in where your feelings for someone are never and will never be returned. Everyone alive has been there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 9, 2019 Share Posted November 9, 2019 I'm sorry he pushed the issue, that must have been really awkward. But you handled it exactly right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 [quote=JuneGirl;7890543 He told me he's afraid to be in the friends zone forever, but I said I only see him as a friend and that's it. Then he was like "that sounds like a Maybe in the future no, rather than a hard no". I said, this is a "hard no". Well, there's a great illustration of how people hear what they want to hear! I know I'm supposed to feel sorry for them instead, but it just makes me mad because it's so dense and pushy!! Well, bravo to you for being straight up. It isn't easy. And here's proof that even when you do, some of them think they know your mind better than you do! Grrrrr. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JuneGirl Posted November 13, 2019 Author Share Posted November 13, 2019 Thanks, I love being straight up and honest with tact ofcourse God it was a very uncomfortable situation and I understated his pushiness in this thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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