Losing a ten years friend

[CaraGrace]

I have a friend whom I knew 10 years ago at work. At that time we were both fresh graduates and the youngest in the team so we connected naturally and became close friends. We told each other our secrets, which I didn't even tell my other long term friends. I value this friendship very much and even after I quit the job we still kept in touch and met up once in a while.

 

But around 2 or 3 years ago, she started to become distant. She stopped texting me, checking me up, or updating me about herself like she used to do, nor did she reply my messages, even if she did she just sent me an emoji or said she's busy.

 

I actually really miss her and want to see her again. While I am going to get married very soon, I texted her recently to tell her about the news, and told her that I want to invite her to my wedding. I also frankly told her I felt quite upset that she's been so distant and I really wanted to know what's up with her and worried that something bad happened. That's when she finally gave me some longer replies, but mainly meaning that she's been busy and she thinks that everyone is busy so we shouldn't bother others for our own problems. I told her that I'd love to hear about her, even if, and especially when, she is not happy. Then in the middle of the conversation she stopped replying.

 

Then today she told me she found that she has to take an exam on my wedding day so she couldn't come. Actually she told me before that she may have a training lesson to attend and would update me, at that time I thought it's fair enough if she doesn't come to my wedding to attend a lesson and I didn't see it as an "excuse", but the fact that now it suddenly became an exam makes me feel like it really is an excuse and she's only trying to make it more justifying. I'm fine with that, be it an excuse or the truth, because during these few weeks I have been wondering how I am supposed to maintain this friendship and what it would be like to finally see her again on my wedding but I may not really have all the time to talk to her while other guests are here, it would be weird anyway. It's really ok that she can't come to my wedding but she didn't even care to ask if we shall meet up someday, while actually I have asked her a few time to meet up but she never replies. It just makes me feel like she doesn't really want to meet or to keep in touch.

 

I don't know if I should just let it be, since I am quite sure that if I stop initiating any conversation then we probably won't contact each other anymore cos she won't.

Edited October 20, 2019 by CaraGrace

[Flame Aura]

Unfortunately life is like that - there are people you meet, become friends with, and then for whatever reason drift apart, and never see each other again.

 

Sounds like you have tried to reconnect, meet up etc but she is not doing the same back. You can only try, you can't force the other person to want to be in your life.

 

It's pretty clear what she wants, the ball is in her court if she wants to change that. Let it be.

[schlumpy]

I put it down to the energy it takes to maintain a real friendship which is what you want. That energy is maintained by common interest and common experiences.

 

One or both of these two are missing and meeting for breakfast once month is not a replacement.

 

I would drop back to sending her a birthday and Christmas card just to let her know I still think about her and maybe one day she will be in better place and respond.

[d0nnivain]

All you can do is let go. It's sad when a friendship dies but some people are bad at maintaining them.

 

Mourn the loss of her from your life but don't let it ruin your wedding planning.

[The Outlaw]

I'm sorry, but the best thing you can do is let it go. Sometimes friends just drift apart for little or no reason. And in most cases, it has nothing to do with you but everything to do with them. Keep your head up.

[CaraGrace]

Unfortunately life is like that - there are people you meet, become friends with, and then for whatever reason drift apart, and never see each other again.

 

Sounds like you have tried to reconnect, meet up etc but she is not doing the same back. You can only try, you can't force the other person to want to be in your life.

 

It's pretty clear what she wants, the ball is in her court if she wants to change that. Let it be.

 

Thanks. I've actually decided not to invite her to my wedding few weeks ago even before she gave me the answer today, because it feels like I'm the only one trying to hold on to this friendship and I don't want to force it anymore. I am just disappointed that she has to make up such an excuse. And over the weeks I have been thinking and learning to accept that, just like what you said, people do drift apart eventually.

[CaraGrace]

I put it down to the energy it takes to maintain a real friendship which is what you want. That energy is maintained by common interest and common experiences.

 

One or both of these two are missing and meeting for breakfast once month is not a replacement.

 

I would drop back to sending her a birthday and Christmas card just to let her know I still think about her and maybe one day she will be in better place and respond.

 

You made a very good point. Yes, common interest and common experiences. I take a look at all the friendships I have, and sadly we all drift apart once we don't share common interest/experiences. Even those people that I called best friends, we are becoming more and more distant once we are not studying in the same school/working in the same company. I think there is no exception. Thank you very much for your comment. It really helps me clear my thoughts and stop dwelling on this matter.

[preraph]

She's trying to tell YOU something with this line:

 

"everyone is busy so we shouldn't bother others for our own problems"

 

That was directed at you. It sounds like you may have worn her out with your problems at some point and she got tired of it.

 

I have been guilty of the same thing.

 

But always try to remember why you like someone as a friend and why they liked you as a friend to begin with. It's usually because you were fun and entertaining, fun to be with. And everyone does have their own problems and sometimes they just can't take on someone else's. True a good old friend ought to be able to handle hearing about some problems occasionally, but it should never be a steady diet.

 

You need to let her go. She sounds done.

[CaraGrace]

All you can do is let go. It's sad when a friendship dies but some people are bad at maintaining them.

 

Mourn the loss of her from your life but don't let it ruin your wedding planning.

 

Thank you. My wedding planning is still going fine. In fact, when I told her about my wedding and she immediately told me that she's having training on most weekends which would clash with my wedding, I already knew she's not going to come. I just already felt that she doesn't want to come. And over the past weeks, I have actually decided not to invite her. I sort of gave up already cos I believe that she wouldn't even ask when she doesn't receive formal invitation or more messages from me. So I actually feel thankful about the fact that she bother to really gave me a formal "no" and to (probably) make up an exam excuse. And with her final answer, and the fact that she didn't continue the conversation after I replied her, further makes me accept that I should let go.

[CaraGrace]

I'm sorry, but the best thing you can do is let it go. Sometimes friends just drift apart for little or no reason. And in most cases, it has nothing to do with you but everything to do with them. Keep your head up.

 

Thank you. That's exactly what I've been thinking over and over in the past weeks, that "friends just drift apart for little or no reason". I always want to find out the reason. I want closure in every relationship, including friendship. But I guess I really don't have to bother, and people do drift apart for no reason. I feel better now. I will not dwell on this anymore, thanks~

[CaraGrace]

She's trying to tell YOU something with this line:

 

"everyone is busy so we shouldn't bother others for our own problems"

 

That was directed at you. It sounds like you may have worn her out with your problems at some point and she got tired of it.

 

I have been guilty of the same thing.

 

But always try to remember why you like someone as a friend and why they liked you as a friend to begin with. It's usually because you were fun and entertaining, fun to be with. And everyone does have their own problems and sometimes they just can't take on someone else's. True a good old friend ought to be able to handle hearing about some problems occasionally, but it should never be a steady diet.

 

You need to let her go. She sounds done.

 

Yes, thanks, I actually feel the same. I think I've learned a lot during my wedding planning. No one is really interested in it, they don't want to bother even though you're only asking them to join for fun, let alone hearing about your problems. Though with her, I have not been talking about my problems to her for some years, all I did was saying Happy Birthday/Happy New Year to her and to let her know that I thought about her and missed her. Maybe that's already too much for her to handle, perhaps she's afraid that if she answered me I would then bombast her with my problems? I don't know. There were times when she would suddenly sent me messages just telling me that she thought of me/missed me. And I would always answer and talk. I thought I was only doing the same thing. But anyway, she can close the door because she doesn't want me to bother her with my problems, or because of no reason at all. People just come and go for no reason, drift apart for no reason. I accept that now, and I'd let her go.

[Watercolors]

Friends are like footprints; many people will walk in and out of your life, and only a few will leave footprints in your heart.

 

I just went through this with a new friend I'd known under a year. We bonded over some common interests, but the friendship ended when I asserted boundaries with her.

 

Like The Outlaw said, even if we ask people who've dumped us for closure that doesn't mean that they'll give it to us. Even with friends.

 

Sometimes you'll know why a friendship ended and sometimes you won't. I don't believe that people "just drift apart for no reason." There's ALWAYS a reason. The problem of 'no closure' happens when the friend with the reason just disappears without an explanation. But, there's always an explanation.

 

I think people are too scared, too apathetic, or too self-centered to respect the friend's feelings they're dumping when the dumping happens unexpectedly.

 

Maybe she responded to your text finally when you mentioned getting married, because she was curious and nothing more. Who knows. Only she does. But, clearly, she isn't telling you the full story. And, since you two lost touch, and only have text messaging between you it's hard to know what the truth really is.

 

The fact that she changed her story from a lesson to an exam is definitely a reason to just leave her behind. She is making an excuse not to attend your wedding. But what can you do? You gave her a chance to tell you the truth but she took the easy road and lied to you. Do you really want to reconnect with someone who doesn't respect your feelings enough after your history of friendship together, to tell you the truth? I wouldn't.

 

This same thing happened to me with my cousin who lives in another state. I told her about my sudden job loss, my unsupportive family, my worry about finding a place to live while I also try to find another job. She immediately responded that I should move across country to live with her, her roommate and their landlord in their house together. I was relieved!

 

But then a day later she messaged me that suddenly her landlord's sister died and it's too expensive for me to move across country and that she's too impulsive with helping people and she felt like a jerk, but changed her mind and told me no, that I couldn't move in with them after all. Now, since i only have her messages and not face to face communication, and I've never met her landlord or her friend, all of what she told me could be complete lies. Or the truth. I'll never know.

 

My point is, I have to move on. I have to find other solutions to my problems that don't involve reaching out to this cousin anymore. So, you just have to move on. Focus on yourself and revel in the excitement of your upcoming wedding to your fiance and the life you two will build together.

 

Expecting people to give us closure, to tell us the truth why they no longer like us, is like taking blood from a turnip. It's impossible.

[preraph]

It's ironic that people spend so much money on weddings that basically only the bride and maybe the bride's mother give a crap about. It's exciting for you, but it's just not anything other people have much interest in.

 

Sometimes I read on here or see elsewhere that someone is mad they're not invited or whatever, and I have never seen that happen in real life. I mostly have heard " I guess I'll have to go to the wedding." Not that they're not happy you're happy, but a wedding is a wedding is a wedding.

 

Don't know if the wedding has anything to do with your friend drifting or if it was something else some other time. If she still does reach out occasionally, I'd just leave her alone and let her reach out and if you ever do actually see each other and get together, I'd make a point of being fun and light and entertaining and just trying to have fun and not much substance.

[CaraGrace]

Friends are like footprints; many people will walk in and out of your life, and only a few will leave footprints in your heart.

 

 

Yes, I think there is no way I can know if she isn't willing to communicate anymore. I think I've asked enough times to meet up, cos of course face to face communication is way better, but she shows no interest, then there is nothing more I can do, or I will come across as needy or annoying if I go on trying to reconnect.

 

I think it's because I give people closure whenever I want to end a relationship, and so I demand the same from others. I think it's respect. For example, I had a group of friends back in college. We were in the drama club. But I had always felt like I was an outsider though we always hung out in group. Only 2 of them really treated me like a real friend and cared about me. 10 years after graduation, they wanted to have a reunion and a 10 year anniversary performance. The 2 persons whom I see as real friends asked me directly if I would like to be in the performance, and I frankly told them that I'm not interested, and that this "reunion" and "anniversary" thing meant nothing to me because I had always been an outsider. I honestly told them that I wouldn't go to any reunion, but I wished the best for their performance. I didn't give any excuse, I told them the truth. I'm still in touch with these 2, but not the others.

 

But now I know people have different standards or ways to deal with things like this. They may think it's better let things fade and die out then to give people closure or reasons, maybe to them this is "respect" because they think they don't want to hurt people's feeling.

Edited October 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CaraGrace]

It's ironic that people spend so much money on weddings that basically only the bride and maybe the bride's mother give a crap about. It's exciting for you, but it's just not anything other people have much interest in.

 

Sometimes I read on here or see elsewhere that someone is mad they're not invited or whatever, and I have never seen that happen in real life. I mostly have heard " I guess I'll have to go to the wedding." Not that they're not happy you're happy, but a wedding is a wedding is a wedding.

 

Don't know if the wedding has anything to do with your friend drifting or if it was something else some other time. If she still does reach out occasionally, I'd just leave her alone and let her reach out and if you ever do actually see each other and get together, I'd make a point of being fun and light and entertaining and just trying to have fun and not much substance.

 

My wedding now is more about making our parents and relatives happy then it's a thing about me. I actually don't feel excited for quite a long while cos the whole thing has become satisfying parents/relatives' expectations. But I have got over it. MOH and bridemaid doesn't care about me. I have also got over it too. But yes I would say if I could choose again, I would not involve anyone on my wedding, I would rather just sign the paper with my fiance and use all the money we're now spending on the celebration on travelling instead.

 

Relatives would certainly be mad if they're not invited. But it's true that many "friends" would rather not be invited (though I do have some friends who asked me to invite them). I actually didn't plan to invite any friends in the first place. I wanted just keep it very private and between family members and relatives only. But then I thought I would like to invite a few friends whom I think are special and important to me. So this friend is one of the very few friends I want to invite, or I would say, I really wanted to meet her again, even not on my wedding. It's ok that she's not coming to my wedding, but now the fact is I think she doesn't want to meet again in any occasion, even just hang out for a dinner. I think my wedding has nothing to do with her drifting apart because she has started to be distant 2 or 3 years ago. One big reason why I want to reconnect so much is that I'm really worried that something bad or very sad happened to her, which made her shut herself off (she hasn't been on facebook/instagram since 2 or 3 years ago too). But no matter what, I would just give her space and let it be now, otherwise it'd just be like I'm forcing her to respond to me.

[Watercolors]

CaraGrace I"m exactly like you with regards to giving people closure when I need to end the relationship, because as you said, it's out of respect. But, like you've experienced with that group of theatre friends too, most of the time people take the easy way out to protect their own feelings first and dismiss, invalidate, or ignore the other person's boundaries and feelings. It's selfish, for sure. But, that's human nature unfortunately.

 

At least you can feel good about yourself knowing that you have high standards for other people, and if they choose not to meet you where you're at, then they really aren't someone worth being friends with.

 

I came across this

the other day that I think applies to your post. The speaker talks about the 3 requirements for a healthy friendship. It's not about quantity, but about positivity, consistency, and vulnerability.

 

Do you ever notice that the toxic friends in our lives, don't posses all 3 of those requirements? It was eye-opening to me, when I realized that each toxic person in my life was never positive (they always put me down when I shared good news about myself with them), never consistent (they would never return my phone calls but would randomly text me back, they would never initiate get togethers with me, I had to do it, and I never knew when they were available b/c they were always just out of reach), and they were never vulnerabie with me (they minimized my feelings, never showed any empathy, never emotionally connected with me).

[CaraGrace]

CaraGrace I"m exactly like you with regards to giving people closure when I need to end the relationship, because as you said, it's out of respect. But, like you've experienced with that group of theatre friends too, most of the time people take the easy way out to protect their own feelings first and dismiss, invalidate, or ignore the other person's boundaries and feelings. It's selfish, for sure. But, that's human nature unfortunately.

 

At least you can feel good about yourself knowing that you have high standards for other people, and if they choose not to meet you where you're at, then they really aren't someone worth being friends with.

 

I came across this

the other day that I think applies to your post. The speaker talks about the 3 requirements for a healthy friendship. It's not about quantity, but about positivity, consistency, and vulnerability.

 

Do you ever notice that the toxic friends in our lives, don't posses all 3 of those requirements? It was eye-opening to me, when I realized that each toxic person in my life was never positive (they always put me down when I shared good news about myself with them), never consistent (they would never return my phone calls but would randomly text me back, they would never initiate get togethers with me, I had to do it, and I never knew when they were available b/c they were always just out of reach), and they were never vulnerabie with me (they minimized my feelings, never showed any empathy, never emotionally connected with me).

 

Thanks, your comments have been very helpful. I watched the TED Talk you recommended, and have some reflections on myself. I may not have been a very good friend either, I have to work on these 3 aspects too. I think I may be good at being consistent and vulnerable, but not so much on being positive, which is the foundation.

 

Looking at my friendships, I find that neither my friends are very good at these 3 aspects. And I think this reflects that they are not willing to put their time and effort on our relationships. They may be maintaining a better relationships with their other friends but not with me. I don't know. Cos indeed you need to put energy on cultivating relationships that meet all these 3 requirements, and if they have put energy on other people than they may not have energy on me. I'm also the one who initiates get togethers, wanting to be emotionally connected with them, but I do not get the same in return.