Lotsgoingon Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 (edited) "Thank you so much, Trail Blazer. That was really sweet of you." I think if she had felt some chemistry with you, she would have said more on the way out of the car., more than giving her the ride was "sweet of you." Or she would have stopped to stare at you a beat or two longer than necessary. I'm of two minds. One mind, sure ... ask out as many people as you want. But my other reaction is more that this woman was friendly and polite and appreciated the kindness but there was nothing special in your interaction, nothing beyond a very grateful passenger. Often the right people to ask out are the people you can't stop yourself from asking out--because the conversation would have been so electric that it would have been a no-brainer, even for a scared and cautious person. Nothing wrong with giving someone a ride and not asking them out. Edited October 21, 2019 by Lotsgoingon Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 I don't know whether I did the right thing or not. I certainly didn't do the wrong thing by her. I just wish I had asked her for her name when she asked me mine. If you did the right thing by her, then you did the right thing. Doing what is right by you but means taking advantage of her is just a jerk move. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trail Blazer Posted October 21, 2019 Author Share Posted October 21, 2019 @Morello: It's possible that I over think at times. I believe it stems back to my childhood. I never had anyone in my life to help me make sense of the world. My parents separated when I was three-years-old. I was an only child to immigrant parents, so I also had no family to speak of. My mom tried her best. She never re-married, but did have a long-term boyfriend who stayed over from time to time. He was okay, but showed very little interest in me. My mom was a good provider, I didn't go without. She was great at doing, but not good at all at listening. When it came emotional support, my whole upbringing was decidedly lacking. Trying to talk to my mom about feelings and emotions as a kid, was akin to talking to a brick wall. She wouldn't ignore me if I wanted to talk, but she'd usually just look at me with glazed eyes, most of what I was saying going over her head. She'd usually try and say the most appropriate response, to convey that she was listening. She always listened, but never understood. The only way I've ever been able to make sense of the world is through my own observations. I've always thought a lot, however most of my thoughts remain just that; thoughts! In real life I'm fairly reserved, and only start to open up when I'm feeling comfortable. The last six months have been pretty rough, to be honest. I've been in a dating frenzy after my break up. It's taken six months to finally start feeling like I don't miss her as much as I did. Dating has distracted me from dwelling on my ex. I loved her so much. I trusted her that she was on the same page, so I allowed myself to be immersed in the deep emotions that I felt. My judgement was off, though. I got her wrong. She's a lovely person, but she just didn't feel as strongly about me as I did with her. It was my mistake and I've learnt from it. My next challenge, now that I don't miss her as much, is to work out what I really want. Do I want another relationship? Am I ready for one? I think the answer to both is no. I am probably going to scale back the dating soon and focus on other things in my life that bring value. I've got two more dates over the next week, then I fly back to work and I'll be away for almost all of November. I don't have time to think of much except work when I'm out in the fields. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trail Blazer Posted October 21, 2019 Author Share Posted October 21, 2019 If you did the right thing by her, then you did the right thing. Doing what is right by you but means taking advantage of her is just a jerk move.Would you say that asking her for her number would be considered taking advantage of her under these circumstances? Or would you say that it would have been a perfectly reasonable thing to do? Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 Trail Blazer, guys who are interested in a woman who's attractive don't decide to not bother them because they probably get hit on a lot. Your whole routine from the thoughts about her experiences with other men to not even taking charge enough to ask her name is exactly that. Intimidation. I had a male relative come over and meet my wife for the first time last year. He's usually pretty fun to hang out with but as soon as she came out and said hi he started staring at the ground, didn't talk much. Wouldn't even look her in the eye. And she was being friendly. She just made him uncomfortable because she's attractive. It wouldn't be a great idea for him to force himself to hit on a woman like that because it's not his thing. And there's really nothing wrong with that. We all have things we're comfortable with and not. Embrace who you are and what your body naturally responds positively to. You don't need to force anything. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 Would you say that asking her for her number would be considered taking advantage of her under these circumstances? Or would you say that it would have been a perfectly reasonable thing to do? Yes, I do. She was in a situation where she was desperate enough to ask a stranger for help. Given the background, I think she may well have rolled her eyes and had thoughts about how you're just another douche who will try and pounce on a woman given any opportunity. Your instincts were perfect, don't second guess yourself now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trail Blazer Posted October 21, 2019 Author Share Posted October 21, 2019 Trail Blazer, guys who are interested in a woman who's attractive don't decide to not bother them because they probably get hit on a lot. Your whole routine from the thoughts about her experiences with other men to not even taking charge enough to ask her name is exactly that. Intimidation. You're making a lot of assumptions. If you refuse to acknowledge my reasoning for not pursuing her at the time as legitimate, then so be it. I'm not going to sit here and try to make you think otherwise. Alas, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. That's your opinion and that's fine 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mr_ybor Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 (edited) Well, I'm a dick probably around ~50% of the time (at this point because I'm overwhelmingly exhausted with humanity in general), and a nice guy somewhere in the balance of all that (I'm a humanist at heart, even though I know you selfish morons will never make it to a Type 3 Civilization, even though I love a bunch of you nitwits )... and neither ever work attracting women. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand that's how you know you're just plain ugly, LOL! Edited October 21, 2019 by mr_ybor Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 @Basil - thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 You could have been married or in a relationship so that's why you didn't ask for her number. Just wondering: if this were true, would you have let this woman in your car? And would you have told your wife - girlfriend that you did? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trail Blazer Posted October 21, 2019 Author Share Posted October 21, 2019 (edited) You could have been married or in a relationship so that's why you didn't ask for her number. But I'm not married or in a relationship, and I still didn't... If I were married or in a relationship, would I have let her in my car? That's a strange question. The answer is of course I would. Would I tell my significant other? Sure, why wouldn't I? I would hope to be with a partner who would value me more for doing it, as opposed to, what, developing some kind of unfounded jealousy? Edited October 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 You weren't overanalyzing it THEN, but you are most certainly overanalyzing it NOW. Let it go. Not every good deed needs to lead to an "opportunity". Besides, she may well have had a boyfriend, not been ready to date, been a lesbian, been bat**** crazy, or any other number of possibilities. It's not really productive to be fixating on someone whom you know almost zero about. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 You weren't overanalyzing it THEN, but you are most certainly overanalyzing it NOW. Seconded. Let it go. Not every good deed needs to lead to an "opportunity". ... It almost sounds like the very definition (the negative one) of a "nice guy." If you expect some opportunity to come out of it it is not really nice, just passive-aggressive transnational thinking. It is not a good deed, done out of the goodness of your heart, if you are paid for it or expect to get something in return. That's what women hate in my opinion about "nice guys," they act like they are doing things for them as a friend, with no strings attached besides those of friendship, when in reality there are strings attached all over the thing. It's all done to get her in her pants. And when that doesn't happen, all the vitriol about how women are this and that comes out. OP frankly you did the right thing. A good man does the right thing, not because he is rewarded (at least in this life) but because it is right. Doing the right thing should make you fell good not feeling you finished last. If you really want to try to meet her, there is leaving a note with her friend. It's also something they can pass on, you can have a message like you would text or message someone looking to date. I'm not so sure about coming up to the door; I know I hate it (and so does my dog) when strangers do it. Now there is a neighbor I swear he loves more than me 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trail Blazer Posted October 22, 2019 Author Share Posted October 22, 2019 Thanks for the responses, guys. I'm going to let it go. I'm not going to follow it up. To be honest I don't even think I can remember which house it was, anyway. It was dark and wet at the time in an area I'm not too familiar with. For those of us who use online dating a lot, it can be frustrating and send us a little bit crazy at times. You don't hear too often about couples getting together through chance meetings these days. In years to come it's going to be uncommon for couples to say they met anywhere else other than through OLD. So, for mine, I just thought, "wouldn't this make for a cool story about how we met." Link to post Share on other sites
Envy123 Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 That's what women hate in my opinion about "nice guys," they act like they are doing things for them as a friend, with no strings attached besides those of friendship, when in reality there are strings attached all over the thing. It's all done to get her in her pants. And when that doesn't happen, all the vitriol about how women are this and that comes out. I was unfortunate enough to have been "friends" with a "nice girl" who had the same sort of intentions. I thought she was just helping me out in a friendly way but all she wanted is to get into a relationship with me, nothing else. I definitely would not want to speak to her again, beyond just simple politeness. My trust for her has been fundamentally broken. Link to post Share on other sites
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