Complicated situation (my fault)

[healing light]

I do not think you did anything wrong.

 

You were absolutely transparent, taking things slow, gave reassuring phone calls trying to explain exactly where you were coming from when she interpreted your texts in a paranoid manner.

 

This woman is just a bad partner, imo. She is expecting everyone to be a mind reader, she has you walking on eggshells and taking all the blame (for what???), she's DARVOed you already with the flaked plans--having you feel badly and turning herself into a victim because she flaked on you! DARVO is a classic manipulation technique, btw (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender).

 

Getting into a relationship with her would be absolutely exhausting if such small things can turn into big massive blowups despite you apologizing for things you haven't even done wrong. Every little text causing this much trouble? A woman worth her salt would take you at face value and wait for you to open up when you're ready--sexually and emotionally.

 

Next!

Edited October 30, 2019 by healing light

[lauri]

Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate how you all took the time to read and give me feedback. I know this sounds premature but I truly believe that I'm learning from what you have all said. This is going to make me a better version od myself in the future. This was an experience I needed to grow.

 

I ran into my friend who introduced us at a conference today and she kept grilling me on what happened and why it ended. That I prematurely moved on and I didn't give her "time" to process things. How I apparently came off like I was playing games, not honest and immature to the girl I was seeing. But she doesn't know the whole "situation". I just said "I don't want this to affect our relationship as friends but please know I tried and I did what was best for myself. Let's please not talk about it anymore.". She kept trying to continue it, and I just put my foot down again. To me, it's obvious they talked but I didn't want to talk about it.

 

I'm still not fully over it (because of all the boxes we checked for each other) but it's going to pass with time. Nothing is harder for me than to find someone who is perfect on paper for it to die the way it did. I think I wanted it to work so badly because I want to find someone to build a future with.

 

But, it's an indication of how things will go if it was to get tough. She'd flake, shut down and run away. I need someone who can be more empathetic and understanding. It's a good lesson for me to understand no matter how percect things may seem, you never truly know someone this early.

 

I've said it before, I made my mistakes but I felt they could've been worked through. Fortunately or unfortunately, not with her. The thing I keep reminding myself is she probably was never right for me if this is how we both reacted to each other.

Edited October 30, 2019 by lauri

[healing light]

Honestly, I think you have good communication skills--even above and beyond with being transparent and reassuring (and no, this isn't "weak" in my opinion).

 

You communicated directly, openly, and took the energy with extra phone calls to try to straighten out any misunderstandings by telling her exactly what your thought process was and what was on your mind.

 

I have no clue how she could see this as playing games unless there's something wrong in the way that she processes information. As in, I have no idea who will ever be able to meet her standards and have a healthy relationship with her. This girl will drive anyone she is with crazy or erode their self-esteem moving the goal posts so they can try to appease her for unforeseen landmines that she's set up for them.

 

I don't normally see things so one-sided, but if there is any fault of yours, it was being too accommodating to her paranoia and taking on too much blame for literally nothing.

 

Things should go smoothly with the right person who isn't paranoid/twisting your words/blowing up every small interaction into something it isn't. When you find someone who can also communicate well, it will be a world of difference.

 

I know you like this woman, but you really dodged a bullet, imo. And I think it's unfair you have to deal with the fallout with the friend. I'm glad you didn't divulge into it any more, as I'm sure it would have been relayed to her and come back to bite you in the butt.

[healing light]

I read your post to my mom and she agrees with me. Just FYI. Halfway through, she wasn't sure she wanted to hear anymore because she felt the girl was being so ridiculous.

[healing light]

I'm going to do a recap for you so that you can hopefully have an easier time seeing what I see:

 

-this girl says she wants to take sex slow, then ends up stripping down without warning a few days later, you explain you want to have a good foundation, she holds it against you in hindsight that you weren't ready for sex yet

 

-she goes distant in Europe, delays her messages, gives you a vague phone call crying but won't explain why

 

-drunk messages you letting you know a guy bought a wine tour for her, responds coldly when you try to clarify any misunderstanding that you really like her

 

-she sends a cold message, you take 2 days out to be there for your friend who is having mental health issues

 

-she confronts you despite having been MIA herself (so it's okay for her to take a day off and be cold for several days in a row when she does respond to you, but it's not okay for you to be there for your friend? when you do it for a legit reason, it's game playing? not to mention you guys aren't a couple so 1 or 2 days of absent communication on a vacation should not be a big deal, imo)

 

-you send her a benign message most would interpret as nice apologizing that you've been busy with friend/family, hope her flight went okay, and she responds saying you are rude and cold

 

-she remains distant despite reassurance and you performing everything short of backflips to reassure her

 

-ignores your messages asking about her interviews

 

-flakes on Monday, turns it around on you and now she's the victim for flaking on you, accuses you of being rude for communicating that you're disappointed but still want to see her when it works for her

 

-reveals in hindsight she is upset about you prioritizing the mental health of your friend for those 2 days, accusing you of letting the friend come between you when she was ice queening you the whole time anyway (were you supposed to be on your knees begging and lapping up her disrespect?? your friend can just go eff themselves?)

 

-takes out her past issue of not being number 1 in other relationships out on you, which is bad enough in itself, but she does this on the heels of weeks of making you the bottom of her totem pole

 

-accuses you of the game playing she's been doing the whole time, says it has affected your connection, indicates your needing time to open up emotionally/sexually was "odd"

 

-takes her space for interviews (understandable)

 

-has the gall to accuse you of not being understanding that she needed to "process" the abuse she was actually doling out after being cold for weeks, says you are ridiculous when you defriend her after not hearing from her for 5+ days.

 

-talks crap to mutual friend about you

 

 

 

 

 

Whew. Honestly, what more do you need? She's a game playing projectionist who holds it against you when you communicate openly with her. Either that, or you said some awful things in those messages you didn't reveal (I doubt it). Haha!

Edited October 31, 2019 by healing light

[movingonnow1]

I'm going to do a recap for you so that you can hopefully have an easier time seeing what I see:

 

Whew. Honestly, what more do you need? She's a game playing projectionist who holds it against you when you communicate openly with her. Either that, or you said some awful things in those messages you didn't reveal (I doubt it). Haha!

 

Couldn't have said it any better. Wow!!

 

I'm actually upset you even have to deal with her friend. Good on you for not saying anything.

 

On top of that, this girl had no intention of making it work. She felt guilty for probably doing something in Europe or she made up stories in her head on what was going on. I could understand miscommunication, which happens, but the fact she didn't believe you about your friend (calling it an outrageous story) and reasoning is just enough to know she would be such a hard person to please.

 

She didn't even want to see you to talk and told you it was pointless. Best was how when you removed her from social media, *you* were the immature one. Like seriously? What did she expect? She indicated there was nothing you could do. All she was trying to do was turn this all on you. I don't know how you conveyed everything to her but someone should give you the benefit of the doubt to at least hear you out.

 

Yes, you did things to make her lose more interest, but the way she was acting towards you makes me believe she met someone else. Only thing you should have done differently was be more direct earlier. You should realize that she did things to make you ACT this way. Next time you know to just cut off a girl like this earlier. Not worth it.

 

Especially since she got her friend on you, you're best to never go back to her.

[stillafool]

You dodged a bullet OP. You were perfectly within your rights to not have sex with her until you were ready. She was disrespectful by stripping down when you had already told her no. What would have happened if the situation were reversed and you did that to her. She probably would have ran off hollering rape. She sounds like some chick who was just out for validation and sex.

[lauri]

I'm going to do a recap for you so that you can hopefully have an easier time seeing what I see:

 

Whew. Honestly, what more do you need? She's a game playing projectionist who holds it against you when you communicate openly with her. Either that, or you said some awful things in those messages you didn't reveal (I doubt it). Haha!

 

I can't even argue anything you said. Thank you so much for doing this.

 

That just makes me feel crazy for even wanting to TRY to fix it at all. Reading this message really highlighted everything in such a clear way and it's all so true. I kept on convincing myself it was a huge misunderstanding but this just reminds me of how ridiculous everything really was. I still have to admit to my faults and will take my blame in how I handled myself a bit. I shouldn't have waited till the end of my trip to deal with it. I could've easily composed myself better and articulated myself more clearly, been a bit more straight up and honest. It's not that I lied, I just wasn't straight up about her actions in Europe and how they made me feel. This is a great lesson for me to carry over to the next woman in my life to build something more meaningful.

 

Want to know the worst part in this saga now?

 

Apparently after I refused to say anything, our mutual "friend" went to some of my colleagues to see if they knew about anything at the conference. She knows I'm very close with the people I work with and she figured I may have said something to them. They approached me today to ask about what happened and I'm like are you serious???

 

I'm not sure what to do but I think I may no longer want to have a friendship with the mutual friend who introduced us. I know she just really wanted us both to work because she's obsessed with how we are "perfect" for each other (because we are both from the same cultural background and she "knows us both so well"). The mutual friend obviously doesn't know why I removed the girl I was seeing from social media and maybe the information she was fed was REALLY different. It's a shame...I don't know if I am overreacting about the mutual friend but I try my hardest to keep my love life to be private. This all feels so childish.

 

I strongly believe she doesn't see any fault in what transpired. I think that's why she has our mutual friend sniffing around for more information to figure out where my head is at. It's really her loss as she is going to have a REALLY hard time finding a guy with similar values and ambition as me. Anyways, I truly wish her the best and won't speak bad about her. I hope she will grow from this experience too.

Edited November 1, 2019 by lauri

[movingonnow1]

 

Want to know the worst part in this saga now?

 

Apparently after I refused to say anything, our mutual "friend" went to some of my colleagues to see if they knew about anything at the conference.

 

I'm not sure what to do but I think I may no longer want to have a friendship with the mutual friend who introduced us...This all feels so childish.

 

 

I don't understand why your mutual friend is so invested in this relationship. It clearly did not work and it is best for her to not get involved. I think she crossed the line by talking to your colleagues about it as it's very personal business.

 

If you want to maintain a friendship with her, I would call her and explain how unacceptable this is. But, I personally would not be able to be friends with someone who airs your dirty laundry like this to co-workers.

[lauri]

Yeah, the mutual friend just really wanted it to work between us. She kept saying "you two need to put your head together and figure it out" when we started talking again.

 

I don't know how to handle my situation with our mutual friend just yet - just got word she talked to ANOTHER one of my colleagues about it fishing for information. I think I may have to call her but I don't know what to say right now because I'm pretty upset.

Edited November 1, 2019 by lauri

[anika99]

Just wanted to chime in here to say that I agree with the posters who feel that you did nothing wrong. That girl was an egotistical manipulative game player. So full of herself. Glad you got rid of her.

[lauri]

Just wanted to chime in here to say that I agree with the posters who feel that you did nothing wrong. That girl was an egotistical manipulative game player. So full of herself. Glad you got rid of her.

 

Thank you.

 

I'm glad I posted here because the help has been awesome. Before posting here, I thought the distance and time apart while traveling caused this huge misunderstanding. I felt like it was all my fault because I disappeared for a few days. But I'm so happy everyone here really helped me work everything out in my head. Yes, I could've been in better control of myself but if it wasn't this, I'm sure she would have caused issues for me over something else instead.

 

I truly believe I dogded a bullet.

[movingonnow1]

Before posting here, I thought the distance and time apart while traveling caused this huge misunderstanding. I felt like it was all my fault because I disappeared for a few days.

 

You were too hard on yourself. You did the best you could do and any girl who see's the value in you would have at least met with you in person.

 

It bothered me, and it should bother you, how much of the blame you took on the entire situation. Remember next time to step back and realise it's a two way street.

 

It's easy to fall back into this was the distance but I think her experiences from her past and insecurities caused her to act this way (based on some of her messages). You're going to be better for the next one!

[lauri]

Thanks! I was really hard on myself.

 

I can't help but still feel hung up on this. It's still been on my mind everyday. It just really confirms she didn't want me as she has not reached out to me and wasn't that keen. Seems like she was more interested in manipulating me than anything else.

 

I feel like I made the right decision for myself but I still feel it is such a shame things happened this way. Going to try to turn off my mind somehow.