Ex girlfriend gave me an ultimatum

[BortSampson]

Hi all,

 

A little backstory, me (28M) and my ex (24F) dated for about 8/9 months almost 2 years ago. We had a good relationship with it's ups and downs, went on a few trips together (both like traveling), but this time last year (Oct) I moved to a different city for work and we decided to break up. We continued to talk, but obviously not as much and although we agreed to see other people, we still remained good friends.

 

Then in March of this year, my ex moved to the same city as me for school. We hung out a bit for the first couple months and since I travel for work, she came on a couple short trips with me. We hooked up a few times while traveling but nothing was ever serious and we remained friends with no label. However, from about August there was a period of very low contact to almost NC, until early last week where we decided to meet for drinks and catch up.

 

During our conversation we started talking about us and she says that if I want to start something again with her, I'd have to make her fall in love with me again. She then made some comment about how the work is on me bc she's not doing anything extra, and how it's basically now or never with us.

 

I'm torn rn because on one hand I like her, but I didn't expect to receive this ultimatum from her. Looking for any advice that this community can give me.

 

Thank you

[Blind-Sided]

Unfortunately... she plated a flag... and it was into a pile of crap !!!! For her to say all the work is on you, and YOU have to make her fall in love again... that's a load of crap. She either wants to be with you, or she doesn't. And a relationship takes work on both sides.

 

 

OK... sure, it sounds like she just wants a commitment... but it was the wrong way to go about it.

 

 

Personally... I know it will hurt... but I would walk away now. BUT... on the other hand... you can just ask her what she actually wants, and if you want to be with her... tell her it takes 2.

 

 

I think... unfortunately... I don't know enough of what happened when you originally broke up.

Edited October 20, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[elaine567]

My guess, she is fed up of the no commitment and the "casual" and the "hooking up" and the "no label" so she has decided that if you want her, you are going to have to put in a bit more work.

[basil67]

Yes, it was an ultimatum, but the alternative would have been to disappear from you. Would you prefer her out of your life or to up the ante and turn this into a proper relationship? Given that you simply "like" her, I would put that the correct answer is to end it and move on without her in your life.

 

Oh and the reason she put it all on you is likely because she's feeling used by you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm torn because on one hand I like her

 

And you treat her as though you "like" her. Fun to be with, convenient hook-up, nice travel partner.

 

Unfortunately Bort, I'd guess she's in love with and wants more from you. As basil says, if you can't reciprocate, time to move on and let her go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Beendaredonedat]

Have you asked her for another date/hookup since she gave you that ultimatum? It will be interesting to see if she puts her money where her mouth is or if she's not with as much true bravado as her words imply.

[d0nnivain]

She's being somewhat clear. She wants to get back together & she wants you to want that. However she also knows actions speak louder then words.

 

So what do you want? Would you like to get back together with her? If so pull out all the stops & sweep her off her feet. Ask her out to a nice dinner . . you know dress up etc.; send her flowers for now reason; send her a sappy card. . . really woo her. Is that really so hard?

 

If you don't want anything more then the casual occasional fling when it's convenient let her go. She wants more & it's cruel of you to expect her to stick around & put out while you make no effort.

[preraph]

She doesn't want someone who is just with her for convenience.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'll echo several others here - she's tired of being casual with you and wants more.

 

If you want a relationship, great, let her know you have the same goals and set up a true date. If you don't, then understand the friendly hang-outs and short trips and casual fun are over.

[Maddie82]

Hmm, i would say walk away. Ultimatums are not good. If you do put the effort in and she doesn't, you will end up resenting her for it anyway. Relationships take effort from both sides.

[Silver_star]

You imply that you wanted to start something back up with her? Does that mean you mentioned you want to start to date her exclusively again? She is worried about emotionally investing again.

Speaking from experience when someone you care about moves away from you to a new city for work, you feel that you are obviously not a priority and it really damages the connection you shared. You may have "stayed friends" and then hooked up with no label, but I am betting it didnt feel casual. There is history between you.

Sounds like she wouldn't mind a fresh start except she knows that you left once before (and it likely hurt her) and were not that serious about her, so she is asking you to SHOW her something different this time, or don't bother.

[kendahke]

Do you feel like jumping through her hoops? Is a relationship with her what you want most of all?

 

If so, then looks like you're going to be doing all of the heavy lifting. She's already put you on notice that you have to impress her. Is that what you want to do? And how much is enough to satisfy her?

[Tamfana]

I don't think that's an ultimatum. She just isn't in love with you any more and doesn't want to make effort. It doesn't sound as though you're in love with her either so move on.