How important for you is after-date communication?

[Legatus]

Hi All,

 

Recently I started wondering about this subject. I've talked with few of my friends who have been dating for a while and noticed that the opinions differ.

 

Time is important to all of us. It is the most valuable thing we have to give.

 

How does this relate to communication while dating?

 

Let's focus on a positive example. You have had 2-3 dates, you can read the signs that they are interested but you haven't really got serious or anything.

 

What are your expectations?

 

Personally when I am happy about meeting somebody I like creating more happy moments out of it. Used to be very shy but now I actually like casual good mornings, notes throughout the day, or banter here and there. But I also make room for the possibility that not everybody is like that, especially if time is in short supply.

 

I read a lot of people saying if they are really into you, they will make time, but how does it translate to your personal stories?

 

I have been on both sides of the spectrum. Dated people who would be happy to keep texting all the time but there was no problem if silence sneaked in for a day. Then I also met people who wouldn't be so responsive.

[d0nnivain]

You have to make time for somebody but that doesn't necessarily translate to multiple texts every day or seeing each other more then 2-3x per week in the beginning.

 

For the 1st months, especially before sex I am good with 2-3 phone calls & 1-2 dates but I prefer a lot more distance / space then most.

 

From what I have read here on LS most people think if you are not texting at least daily & if you take more then 1 hour to respond then it's a No Go. That would make me nuts. I have a job where I am not on my cell phone all day & most of the time it's off.

 

Do talk to your new person about their expectations. In the end it doesn't really matter what your friends think or what the internet thinks. What matters is how you & that person feel about the subject; where you are comfortable & how much time you have.

 

I also think that an established relationship involves more contact then a new one. Yes, you have to lay the foundation but you need to do that slowly & you can't do it with a device in your hands. You must spend time together.

[hippychick3]

I am one that wants and expects daily communication in some form or another after the first date. Anyone who was very interested in me kept in touch daily after a good first date. I don't see how people can build a good connection without some kind of communication in between dates. I would lose interest if I didn't hear from the guy at all in between dates. As far as response to text expectations...obviously if it's during a work day or we are just busy, I would not expect or want someone else to expect immediate responses to texts. That's not reasonable.

[Legatus]

From what I have read here on LS most people think if you are not texting at least daily & if you take more then 1 hour to respond then it's a No Go. That would make me nuts. I have a job where I am not on my cell phone all day & most of the time it's off.

 

Do talk to your new person about their expectations. In the end it doesn't really matter what your friends think or what the internet thinks. What matters is how you & that person feel about the subject; where you are comfortable & how much time you have.

 

Thank you @donnivain for making an excellent point. Talking about expectations. After all there's nothing wrong with that rather than having to get into a dangerous spiral of trying to figure out what the other person is thinking. My job allows me to be online all the time but not everybody has the same privilege.

[Legatus]

I don't see how people can build a good connection without some kind of communication in between dates..

 

I think it's very difficult to find that balance. Of course it's easier to commit to a better online communication during the weekend, though not always if you have plans. I am a firm believer in quality over quantity but perhaps my old habits keep telling me it's necessary to have ongoing communication between dates, in order to keep the interest. Perhaps I'm wrong here and the quality of dates, like dancing salsa for 4 hours, is good enough

[SumGuy]

It varies, but for me if in the just dating stage may reach out once a day maximum but would try to do so at a time that if she got back to me quickly could respond and have a bit of a text conversation. Although that is pretty easy to do as if going god will be planning the next date.

 

After sleeping with someone, and the intimacy that entails, I think a good morning and good night text are kind of the class way to go. Often at this stage one or both of us will talk about text frequency, what we like, etc. (it really is in a way a love language talk). As in most things related to dating, open adult communication works wonders.

 

I am at the age group where the vast majority of our lives we had no portable phone, we did just fine making plans and keeping in touch without them. So we kind of joke about it today and having jobs (and even kids) no one I met has ever expected to hear back in less than a few hours or during the work day.

[Gretchen12]

I'm also one for quality over quantity. I don't need constant reassurance and I lose interest if the guy's texts have no content that I can connect with. People write stuff like "how's your day?" It has no content. It's sending a text for the purpose of sending it. It's akin to the grocery clerk saying "hi, how are you?" There needs to be more than that.

 

In early days of dating you should be getting to know each other. If you're texting, ok then through texting you're getting an impression of each other. So if your texts are boring then you are boring, if your texts are funny then you are funny, if your texts are romantic then you are romantic. So imo if you have nothing interesting to share at the moment then wait until you do.

[Legatus]

It varies, but for me if in the just dating stage may reach out once a day maximum but would try to do so at a time that if she got back to me quickly could respond and have a bit of a text conversation. Although that is pretty easy to do as if going god will be planning the next date.

 

Thank you for your input! I think the key for me is to be able to apply different expectations from different people, depending on who they are to me and I to them. I know it sounds easy but it's also easy to get into habits and then when you get an outlier, as cute as it may be, it does throw one off a little bit

[Legatus]

I'm also one for quality over quantity. I don't need constant reassurance and I lose interest if the guy's texts have no content that I can connect with. People write stuff like "how's your day?" It has no content. It's sending a text for the purpose of sending it. It's akin to the grocery clerk saying "hi, how are you?" There needs to be more than that.

 

In early days of dating you should be getting to know each other. If you're texting, ok then through texting you're getting an impression of each other. So if your texts are boring then you are boring, if your texts are funny then you are funny, if your texts are romantic then you are romantic. So imo if you have nothing interesting to share at the moment then wait until you do.

 

That makes a lot of sense. But I have to admit that sometimes I'm overthinking it. Once I wrote to somebody that I enjoyed our date, that I was thinking about her, and she liked it, responded, we had a bit of a chat. Then I thought about casual "good morning" but she seems too busy for that.

 

Your theory would definitely explain the pattern I see currently. Put some content instead of just looking for reassurance that she's thinking of you

[SumGuy]

Thank you for your input! I think the key for me is to be able to apply different expectations from different people, depending on who they are to me and I to them. I know it sounds easy but it's also easy to get into habits and then when you get an outlier, as cute as it may be, it does throw one off a little bit

 

The only persons expectations you need to be concerned with are the person you are seeing. You'll likely see a whole spectrum of responses here as people differ on this.

 

Nothing beats an open conversation about it. What your norm is, what he/she likes. In the scheme of things people may ask of you in a relationship text frequency and type is pretty easy to accommodate if people can respect that during work hours you have limited to no time to text.

 

I had a girlfriend that I thought I texted a lot and found out she really liked them, it was a huge part of her love language. So I upped my game, she really liked flirty (not sleazy)...and romantic, and I'd do these little text poems for her. I did have to set some expectations though about my availability to do so when had the kids (she worked a job where she could not text at all so no worries during work hours).

[Gretchen12]

Your theory would definitely explain the pattern I see currently. Put some content instead of just looking for reassurance that she's thinking of you

 

Do you notice the person replies quicker and with more enthusiasm when your text is intriguing or hilarious or emotional? There's more of you, more human. People have more urge to connect with that.

[dramallama]

It's a really interesting question.

 

 

 

The guy I'm dating right now is a HUGE texter (multiple times every single day for 2 months now), far more than I'm used to, and on the one hand it was freaking me out at first about creating false intimacy; but on the other hand, his approach has left me in no doubt that I'm the only woman on his mind; and as things have progressed, the nature / tone of texts has changed and it feels like his way of 'keeping me with him' while he's on the road (which he is an awful lot).

 

 

 

Communication about what you prefer really is key. He once apologised for not being in contact for about 10 hours when he had phone problems and I said it was fine, it just gave me time to miss him - i.e. I don't expect all that contact, but it's nice when I'm getting it.

[Calmandfocused]

Hugely important!

 

I’ve just been massively turned off a guy for this very reason. Saw him 4 times, he only contacted me when he wanted to see me again which could be as long as a week.

 

The result is that I felt massively disconnected from him, every date felt like our first and it’s just killed my attraction to him.

 

Maybe I’m wrong but I do believe that to keep a woman interested you have to show her that you’re thinking about her, even if it’s just a touch base message a day. If you’re not showing her any attention then she may just find somebody who will.

 

Just my opinion

[Legatus]

Hugely important!

 

I’ve just been massively turned off a guy for this very reason. Saw him 4 times, he only contacted me when he wanted to see me again which could be as long as a week.

 

The result is that I felt massively disconnected from him, every date felt like our first and it’s just killed my attraction to him.

 

Maybe I’m wrong but I do believe that to keep a woman interested you have to show her that you’re thinking about her, even if it’s just a touch base message a day. If you’re not showing her any attention then she may just find somebody who will.

 

Just my opinion

 

This is exactly what my thinking has always been! Putting some context to the girl I'm seeing right now, I don't want to feel like it's our first date all the time. Especially since last two times we mostly dance and there was not a lot of talking. I do respect her job though, she can't have her phone with her most of the day, but I decided to take up some advice from @Gretchen12 and I will send some longer messages at the end of the day, asking about hers, making it more than just hello..

 

In other words.. quality attention but without the pressure, got it

[d0nnivain]

Why do they have to be text messages? Why not a voice call? I'd rather have 1-2 20 minute calls a week then daily annoying impersonal texts. Texting is not quality communication. Do not treat it as such.

[SumGuy]

Why do they have to be text messages? Why not a voice call? I'd rather have 1-2 20 minute calls a week then daily annoying impersonal texts. Texting is not quality communication. Do not treat it as such.

 

Because one can read an respond to a text when they have time, a call makes you take time then and there you may not have. No one says they are exclusive.

 

Text are a primary form of communication in dating these days. The quality is the same as the note cards of the past, written communication can be just as much "quality" as spoken.

 

Also, if she doesn't have her phone all day, a fun text waiting for her at the end of the day can be a nice surprise something to look forward to; or a text from someone who is interested in how her day went.

 

There is also the nature of the medium itself.

 

Had a girlfriend who we exchange emoji "texts", with three rows of three to express something. Really like little puzzles. Like they used to have on beer bottle caps. Silly, fun, not something you can readily do any other way.

 

Have also often sent pictures via text of something cool or funny you come across during the day.

 

Alas nothing says they are exclusive, you can text daily and call 1-2 times per week, but for me if it is going good we are seeing each other at least twice a week already for much more than 20 minutes.

[Legatus]

Why do they have to be text messages? Why not a voice call? I'd rather have 1-2 20 minute calls a week then daily annoying impersonal texts. Texting is not quality communication. Do not treat it as such.

 

I used to hate phone calls.. now I actually like video chats and hope that, if things progress well, that's what we'll do. I don't mind either. Sometimes random text will cause a huge smile on my face but wouldn't mind seeing somebody live and talk to them too..

 

Therefore they don't have to be but I think at the beginning it's simpler, it opens a channel where, with time, we can talk about what times are good for video calls and such.

 

I actually did call her once, it was way too late but I don't know what came over me. We had a quick 10-minute video call even though she was already in bed. But I only called because that day I felt like we were connecting. Not every minute but at least a bit.

[d0nnivain]

I'm older & didn't learn to text until I was in my 40s. I find it bothersome. I get that they new etiquette is that you now text to ask if you can call but I'd still rather hear somebody's voice. I'm not so proficient at video chatting but in the beginning of a new relationship I wouldn't want that. I would feel compelled to be dressed with my make up on etc. I used to like sitting in bed, hearing my new beau's voice right before sleep. It wasn't sexual at all where as a video in bed would lead to places somebody might not want to go so early.

[Malin889]

I'm also one for quality over quantity. I don't need constant reassurance and I lose interest if the guy's texts have no content that I can connect with. People write stuff like "how's your day?" It has no content. It's sending a text for the purpose of sending it. It's akin to the grocery clerk saying "hi, how are you?" There needs to be more than that.

 

In early days of dating you should be getting to know each other. If you're texting, ok then through texting you're getting an impression of each other. So if your texts are boring then you are boring, if your texts are funny then you are funny, if your texts are romantic then you are romantic. So imo if you have nothing interesting to share at the moment then wait until you do.

 

This is a subject I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, and I agree with Gretchen to a point that, especially in the early days of dating, it’s definitely good to make sure you have something to say when you are texting, like tell a funny joke or anecdote or something… you don’t have to be “on” all the time, but in the early stages, you are getting to know each other’s personalities and you are trying to win each other over, so you want to be interesting. However, once you get to know each other a bit, and are starting to like each other, a good morning text once in awhile cannot hurt, and if you two really like each other, no matter how busy she is, I’m sure she would welcome it.

 

I’ve been out with someone a few times, and we like each other, and now that we’ve met a few times, I’d welcome more texts and communication than I would have at the very beginning. In fact, I want him to keep in touch with me more now that we’re starting to like each other a bit more. But if he just sent “Hi” or “Good morning” texts every day, it might get a little annoying, if that’s all he had to say. I hope that doesn’t sound harsh. Plus, you have to keep the lines of communication open so the other person knows you are interested. I called the said guy above the other day because I wanted to keep lines of communication open with us, and I think he really liked the fact that I called.

 

Whatever you do say, however you do it, be unpredictable, be spontaneous, don’t be boring or repetitive.

[Legatus]

I'm older & didn't learn to text until I was in my 40s. I find it bothersome. I get that they new etiquette is that you now text to ask if you can call but I'd still rather hear somebody's voice. I'm not so proficient at video chatting but in the beginning of a new relationship I wouldn't want that. I would feel compelled to be dressed with my make up on etc. I used to like sitting in bed, hearing my new beau's voice right before sleep. It wasn't sexual at all where as a video in bed would lead to places somebody might not want to go so early.

 

I totally get your point. I don't know what came over me but I was surprised that she answered and chatted with me and still went on another date 4 days later

[OatsAndHall]

For me, the amount of communication is relative to the context of the relationship and various situations. The woman I am currently seeing texts me once or twice per day (at the most) and we chat over the phone here and there. She's busy, I'm busy and lapses between texts certainly don't bother me.

 

 

 

I was seeing a woman for about a month who drove me nuts with her communication as she was all over the place. Sometimes she would bombard me with texts and phone calls and other times she would go quiet for a few days. I would understand if she was busy but that wasn't the case.

 

 

 

If she was bored and/or lonely, she'd text and call me. If she wasn't, I didn't hear from her at all. To make matters worse, she got weird a few times when I didn't respond to a text quickly, even though she could go days without returning a "Good morning" text.

[Legatus]

I’ve been out with someone a few times, and we like each other, and now that we’ve met a few times, I’d welcome more texts and communication than I would have at the very beginning. In fact, I want him to keep in touch with me more now that we’re starting to like each other a bit more. But if he just sent “Hi” or “Good morning” texts every day, it might get a little annoying, if that’s all he had to say. I hope that doesn’t sound harsh. Plus, you have to keep the lines of communication open so the other person knows you are interested. I called the said guy above the other day because I wanted to keep lines of communication open with us, and I think he really liked the fact that I called.

 

Whatever you do say, however you do it, be unpredictable, be spontaneous, don’t be boring or repetitive.

 

I definitely see few major points here. First is to gradually increase it by being receptive to the other side - that's what I'm going to do for sure. if things are meant to be and we meet again, and it's as glorious as last time, then I'm sure the frequency will increase.

 

I've always tried to be a little more than just two words. I think also I've been texting with one of my best friends almost every day, all the time, and she spoiled me with this. But we've known each other for 13 years so it's different.

 

That is why I decided to ask you guys and your perspective has definitely made me calmer and wiser!

[Legatus]

For me, the amount of communication is relative to the context of the relationship and various situations. The woman I am currently seeing texts me once or twice per day (at the most) and we chat over the phone here and there. She's busy, I'm busy and lapses between texts certainly don't bother me.

 

 

 

I was seeing a woman for about a month who drove me nuts with her communication as she was all over the place. Sometimes she would bombard me with texts and phone calls and other times she would go quiet for a few days. I would understand if she was busy but that wasn't the case.

 

 

 

If she was bored and/or lonely, she'd text and call me. If she wasn't, I didn't hear from her at all. To make matters worse, she got weird a few times when I didn't respond to a text quickly, even though she could go days without returning a "Good morning" text.

 

It sounds like consistency is important to you, am I right? That if the communication isn't chaotic, it has more meaning?

[OatsAndHall]

It sounds like consistency is important to you, am I right? That if the communication isn't chaotic, it has more meaning?

 

 

 

 

Consistency and moderation within the context of the other person's life is important to me, especially in the early stages of dating. I'm not a huge fan of texting and I don't like holding long conversations via text. But, it takes all of thirty seconds to respond to a text so I don't see any reason why someone can't respond to one or two in a day.

 

 

 

I don't get openly frustrated over it but I will move on. I had been out on three dates with a woman and we both said we enjoyed each other's company. We made tentative plans to get back together the next weekend (Her: "Let me look at what I have going on.")

 

 

However, I shot her a text on a Monday evening to see how her day went. I didn't hear back from her until Thursday night so I made plans with another woman that weekend. I only had Saturday open that weekend and she was upset when I said I wasn't after she finally got back to me and wanted to get together.

 

 

 

She said she had been busy and I told her that, given the long lapse in communication, I didn't know if she was still interested or not. She said she certainly wasn't since I "blew her off" and I just wished her the best and went on my way.

[Legatus]

She said she had been busy and I told her that, given the long lapse in communication, I didn't know if she was still interested or not. She said she certainly wasn't since I "blew her off" and I just wished her the best and went on my way.

 

Wait, she didn't respond to your text and it's You who blew her off?

 

I think it's the key to not get frustrated but see, even in your case, a weird misunderstanding results in you waving goodbye. It's not that I'm clingy but I don't date a lot, so I'd rather lose touch over something significant rather than communication mishap..