Recovery not going well

[PunishedEx]

I was posting here a good few months ago, jumping between a manic and depressive sort of state. Maybe I'm wrong but I feel like I'm dealing with things in an unusually bad sort of way and it's been progressively effecting my life in some negative ways.

 

Story of breakup in other thread. It's 7 months on now and my friends and family are starting to get sick of me going on about her. Not one day has gone by where I haven't thought of her, not as intense but still feels quite constant. Recently caught wind of her new RS. From what little I know they seem like a much better fit than we were (for her at least). I've recently begun dating a girl and it's going really well but I find myself STILL comparing and thinking about my ex too often. Been going to a therapist for the last 3 months too but even she seems to be annoyed that most sessions are talking about ex.

 

I want to move on so I'm rid of this unhappiness. I think what I'm struggling with a lot now is the regret. What I could have done that I didn't do. Made many first relationship mistakes, that I've now fixed and am avoiding with the new girl I'm dating. The new girl is lovely in so many ways, she has more recently gone through a breakup, so we talk about our exes and try to help each other through it. I guess I just hate thinking how my ex was so wonderful and her new BF likely won't make the beginner mistakes I did. She's totally moved on, unfazed when I told her we wouldn't speak again, while it crushed me to say it. That was 3 months ago and it still crushes me.

 

How do you let go of something that you don't want to let go of? I understand that it's over, we will never be together again, this is the reality and nothing will change that. But how do you stop wishing that wouldn't be the case?

[d0nnivain]

Try changing therapists. Not all are the same.

 

No therapist should be annoyed that you are still fixated on something. That person should be helping you move past the hurdle.

[PunishedEx]

@d0nnivain

 

Might just be a perceived annoyance on my part. She's a final year student psychologist so she's cheaper for the sessions, I can't quite afford a more expensive therapist atm unfortunately.

 

I'm not diagnosed but I think I'm symptomatic of depression at the moment. I've lost a lot of interest in things. The breakup contributed to it but I think I was symptomatic of it before too, which sort of caused the breakup I believe. I was quite boring while in the relationship. It sucks because now my "interest" is thinking about her and the good times I had with her.

 

The lack of interests is why I believe I'm still caught up on her while she has moved on and is happy. When I would check her twitter she was always interacting with new people, going to concerts and events, talking about music, motorbikes, video games, college.

I installed twitter not too long ago and couldn't find one thing to follow that I cared about. Honestly just jealous of her life at this point, and the life I could have shared with her. Too late now though but it's really hard to MAKE yourself take an interest in something if you're mind just won't co-operate.

Nothing stimulates me anymore. I DO things, but my heart and mind aren't really in it. I aspire to be happy in the long term, but in the moment to moment times the only thing my mind wants to do is sink into some power fantasy of "What if I didn't mess it up and me and her went on a city trip. Or Go-Karting. Or lunch on the beach" or something of that nature.

 

Maybe I've idealized her and her life but it's something I wish I was still involved in, she taught me how to live and now that it's over I have to figure it out for myself, unsuccessfully so far.

[PunishedEx]

[i'm just going to write what comes to mind, apologies for venting or seeming pathetic. I know the way I'm living is really bad and unhealthy but I'm still just so messed up]

 

Ahhhh this is so lame

Really starting to hate myself at this point. 7 months on, she was pretty clear that she was sad the relationship ended but really had no interest in getting back together, she has a new BF that she's happy with, and yet I'm still sitting here every day concocting plans to get her back "at some point".

 

Spent the last 2 days thinking that if I get my life in order, and become friends with her that maybe I can reattract her if she is ever single again. I hate that I'm thinking this way but any chance I get I'm sneaking off to have a smoke and live in this power fantasy. Lately the thinking has been "You have to make your own fate". I'll find her one day and be everything I wasn't in the old relationship. I ****ing hate that I was so late to the dating scene, I made all the first relationship mistakes with the most wonderful girl and I lost her because of it.

 

When people ask me what do I "want" it's such a complicated question for me. I WANT to be over her, to not feel this way, to see a life after the relationship and come to terms with it. But I also WANT to have her back, to share in her life. I really just can't shake that second want at all. My interest in everything else has totally disappeared and I feel like I'm just in this low mood/depression constantly. I'm feeding on this false hope "Reconciliation after years" stuff and just mentally ignoring the parts that mean there's no chance it's happening for me. Most of the (rare) posts about these instances had a lot of love involved, usually long term and never long distance. By the end of the relationship I could tell that she was really done with me. Not in a cruel way, but she couldn't pretend that she had feelings for me anymore and it was a relief when she finally done it.

 

These plans have even gotten to the point where I was considering in a year or two to move to her country just to see if she'd consider a relationship if the distance was no longer a factor (She wouldn't). It's totally crazy, I'm treating it like some sort of maths problem. The relationship fell apart because of X reason, and if I become Y her attraction to me will come back. It's total insanity.

 

Since the breakup I always asked myself if I wished I had never met her and I always answered "No, it was such a wonderful experience that it was worth it". But now, I really think I do wish I never met her. The way I've allowed it to effect me has been very destructive and I don't think I'm equipped to deal with it. "Moving on", something she told me I needed to do during the breakup call, is something my mind absolutely rejects. I WANT to move on, because I don't want to live like this, but my mind will cling to her, the happiness I felt, the mistakes I made, and how now she has someone that makes her feel great again and I can never do that again.

 

Some people say to me "It was only an 8 month relationship and it was Long Distance, it shouldn't effect you like this. It wasn't a real relationship". But I think those things have contributed to making it harder. The relationship being short meant I lost her while I was still in the honeymoon phase, feeling were intense. The Long Distance made any of my monthly visits feel so insanely special. 5 days with her in her apartment in a new country, no worries from back home. It just made every time I saw her feel so magical, like a different world or life. I'm so mentally exhausted from trying to not think of her. It's a monumental effort ALL THE TIME not to slip into just thinking about some night we spent together or the way she used to smile. Literally any mention of the country she's from, even hearing an accent from that country and I'm wrapped in a battle to control my thinking. And if I lose that battle I lose the next 40 minutes in a daze thinking about the first night we met or something of that nature. We shared a lot of hobbies and now doing those hobbies (Warhammer, Video Games, Airsoft, Motorbiking) without her just prompts more thoughts of her.

 

I don't really expect anyone to read this nonsense I guess, but I'd like to know truly how bad an idea is it to plan on one day maybe reaching out to her? A year+ after the breakup. IF she's single that is. As intense as my feelings for her are I wouldn't ever want to ruin a relationship she's happy in, or on her BF for that matter. She was always willing to be friends, probably out of guilt, so I don't think it would be totally inappropriate. She always replied to me when I did break and message her in the post breakup phase.

 

What's the real danger in planning to one day check in on her and see if she's willing to be friends, and then maybe more?

[spiritedaway2003]

I read your post. I could relate, actually. I don't have a lot of advice, but I have 4 thoughts to offer you.

 

1. You have a pretty deep obsession going on. I don't know how you can get rid of it for someone you have strong feelings for, especially for a first love. People always say it takes time. I don't know how much time. I'll let you know where I get there myself.

 

2. Sounds like your new girl is just a rebound? Is this a relationship you want while you're still pining for your ex?

 

3. ""It was only an 8 month relationship and it was Long Distance, it shouldn't effect you like this. It wasn't a real relationship." Those people give poor advice. Whether or not it was a real relationship or not, the feelings you had were real. It wouldn't do well to your recovery to dismiss your feelings that way.

 

4. No, don't contact her, especially since you have hopes of wanting to be friends (or more). Especially if she's in a relationship. You're not being honest with yourself. You might also be crushed if you suddenly find out that she's engaged or getting married, etc. There's a reason why most exes can't be friends.

[NotADayGoesBy]

@d0nnivain

 

.. my mind wants to do is sink into some power fantasy of "What if I didn't mess it up and me and her went on a city trip. Or Go-Karting. Or lunch on the beach" or something of that nature.

 

Maybe I've idealized her and her life but it's something I wish I was still involved in, she taught me how to live and now that it's over I have to figure it out for myself, unsuccessfully so far.

 

She is not magic--everything you think she did for you, you can do for yourself. It will just take effort. Obviously one of the things you really liked about being with her was her multiple interests and her zest for life, and you miss it. So try creating it for yourself--take your new girl to do those things. Keep trying new things and see what you really enjoy, and then go do more of that.

[preraph]

You make yourself accept the reality that it is over. You stop indulging yourself in what-ifs and false hope. You use self-discipline to get past this. When you get sick of being miserable, you'll stop being miserable.

[Acacia98]

Is it possible that you're obsessing over your ex-girlfriend and idealizing the life you shared because you are deeply unhappy about your life and who you are in general? Perhaps she gave you an escape from the things that disturb/sadden/anger you about your life?

 

If yes, then perhaps she is essentially a distraction and your therapy should be focusing on your life before her. Maybe there are issues with your family of origin? Maybe you've had prior adverse/traumatic experiences that continue to shape your life in fundamental ways? Maybe you have deep-seated insecurities or low self-esteem?

 

Take the time to get to the heart to what is really troubling you deep down inside because it really sounds like you are desperate to flee from who you are.

[PunishedEx]

Maybe you've had prior adverse/traumatic experiences that continue to shape your life in fundamental ways? Maybe you have deep-seated insecurities or low self-esteem?

 

Take the time to get to the heart to what is really troubling you deep down inside because it really sounds like you are desperate to flee from who you are.

 

This is good advice and I sort have known this for a while. My life is sort of stuck in a limbo state as of lately and it won't be changing until May next year when I complete my exams.

 

What has me so caught up is I allowed this to ruin something good. I was convinced that it was just because it was first breakup and when a new girl comes along I'd feel better. The problem I have is I haven't met a girl that shares in so many of my interests. Even a lot of my friends that have girlfriends would tell me how lucky I was to have a GF that would come out with us on motorbike rides and play video games with us. She was part of the guys, but she was also my girlfriend. It was so unusual and great. But because of my crappy self-esteem, first relationship mistakes, and many external stresses I wasn't able to reciprocate her affection. She felt strongly about me for a time. But as I had to shift my focus elsewhere I really didn't make time for her, even when I could have.

 

I know this flies in the face of pretty much all the advice that's usually given on these forums. My exams finish up in May, that'll be a year and 2 months after the official BU. Also around the time she graduates too. I'm looking for a big life change after that, and from when we used to talk she said that's when she want's to make a big change too. Until then I'm fully focused on my work and degree, and my health (mental and physical). I'm already at a way better place then I was in the final months before the breakup. After everything is settled and I have a lot more freedom to direct my life, I am going to reach out to her. Like most people here, I expect that it's 99% likely to go nowhere, but I am going to try. Im sick of this passive "Letting life happen to me" way I've been living. I won't be devastated if I don't get a reply, or if there's no interest. But I'm really sick of just letting things happen. We had something really nice, she told my friends months after the breakup that she thinks really highly of me. I'm going to spend the next 7 months forming myself into the best possible version of me, and I'm going to be happy again. She's seen me at my worst and she didn't want to be with me. After May she'll see me at my best. What's killed me so much after the breakup was knowing all the things I could have done better. If she see's me at my best, degree, inshape, happy and leading my life, and she still isn't interested, then I can accept that there's nothing I can do.