Every time i needed help, there were no one. I can't afford to be down..

[wtm78]

i am starting out a new business this year. there were times i needed help. and i asked my wife to help me.. she did not disagree. but she also dropped the ball so many times.. i ended up having to pick it up again at a later stage.. which made the situation worst that it was..

 

we had major communications issues and we have been separated for almost half a year.. my grandma committed suicide last month, but we found out early and sent her to the hospital. she is safe at home, but severely depressed. 2 weeks ago i was helping her to get rid of her old oven and fixed a new one.. after a long day, i was lying on the couch.. she started to cry, because she thought that she could not cook for me and i had nothing to eat.. of course i told her it doesnt matter, i am leaving soon and i will be meeting clients.. she kept crying. at this time, her daughter came .. and she blamed me for grandma's crying.. at the same time, wife texting me and blames me for.. i dont know what she is blaming me about.. even if i am upset about something she did.. she can turn it around and make it my fault for making her feel that way..

 

that day i reached out to my counselor... there were no response.. i texted her again few days later.. again no response. few days later i called the center and asked if they are still taking up my case.. if they aint, could they give me some contacts so i can seek help somewhere else.. they politely asked if its ok for them to check with my counselor and let her get back to me... finally today i got a text from her.. she said she was attending other urgent stuff so she didnt reply me..

 

this made me realised something.. my whole life i had been strong.. but everytime when i was down and needed help.. there were just no one there to give me a hand... not family, not wife, not even a counselor...

 

it is days like this i wonder if there is a point in my life..

[d0nnivain]

There is a point. Your grandmother needs you.

 

If your counselor is unresponsive, get a new one.

 

Stop relying on your wife for your business. Get real support through business groups. In the US, check out the SBA, the local SBDC, & chambers of commerce. Read books about entrepreneurship. Have a good business plan & a good marketing plan as well as a budget.

 

Do not try to take on your grandmother's illness alone. You are not equipped. Tell her you love her & need her. Talk to her. Listen to her. Encourage her to be compliant with her own therapy. Make sure anybody who is treating you knows there is a history of depression in your family.

 

Find a hobby or something you like that brings you peace & joy. Engage in that.

[carhill]

OP, first, my sympathies. IMO men should be more supportive of each other but we often can't see the forest for the trees of competition to win.

 

To clarify....

 

You and your wife are still separated, yes? Live separately?

 

Are you your grandmother's primary caregiver? Does she get help from other family members? How is her health after her suicide attempt? You say she is severely depressed. Is a doctor/psychiatrist managing her care?

 

Are you on a regular counseling schedule?

 

How's business going?

 

My anecdote is I took on caregiving/caremanaging when my mother became demented and those times are when one finds out the strength of their personality and marriage. I learned a lot of lessons about marriage and about humans. Good lessons. Life-long lessons. You'll find your way. It might seem daunting now but it will work out. You've been a member here a long time, about as long as myself. Use the resource. There's some valuable reading here and a group of people who do care and are interested in helping/listening. I don't post much anymore but as you can see I did at one time. It was helpful. Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

i am starting out a new business this year. there were times i needed help. and i asked my wife to help me.. she did not disagree. but she also dropped the ball so many times.. i ended up having to pick it up again at a later stage.. which made the situation worst that it was..

 

wtm78, you're going to need a more practical approach. Your wife doesn't cooperate in your marriage, why would you think she'd make a positive contribution to your business? Don't think you'd hire a consistently oppositional employee, family member with the extra baggage is even worse.

 

When I was in your situation - sick family member, deteriorating marriage, financial struggles - I decided to stop think about how I'd wished things were and be more honest about they are. This means letting go of the unrealistic hope people will spontaneously change to meet my expectations or fantasizing life would throw some breaks my way.

 

In short, as carhill describes, this means rolling up your sleeves and beginning the process. Each small step forward is progress, each difficult decision can be empowering.

 

And of course, we're here for support along the way. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Our MC helped me focus with the psychological tool of narrowing each day's lens to one success. Decide that challenge will define the day, succeed at meeting it or completing it and validating it as that day's success. Accept that everything else could go to hell. It's just one day. Tomorrow is a new one. That one tool kept me alive on more than one occasion.

[pepperbird]

It's just one day. Tomorrow is a new one.

 

 

op,

This is so true.

 

 

sometimes you have days when you feel like you can take on the world. Other days, it's all you can do just to put one foot in front of the other and keep slogging on. It's hard enough to do that for yourself, but it can soul crushing when you have to carry everyone else too.

 

How can you shift the load so it doesn't fall so much on your shoulders? It sounds to me like you could do with a concrete, actionable plan to move forward.

[preraph]

I realize money is usually an issue, but when you get no help from family and friends and are overwhelmed, considering hiring help, such as someone to be with your mom and make her a meal. You might set her up with Meals on Wheels. Or you might instead get someone to help you yourself with shopping and anything they could do that would lighten your load.

 

Also, if you mother has any church affiliation, call the pastor and see if they have a group who helps elderly. Thanks for caring so much. I know how overwhelming it can be.

 

If you're in the US, you should contact her primary doctor and ask him to assign home care for your mother -- or whoever released her from the hospital. Medicare pays for a lot of that.

[carhill]

Medicare offered home health nursing, with a doctor's prescription/referral but that was more task focused, ensuring health, rather than care. I had to pay a caregiver privately to spell me, or a service to bring in professionals when we were gone. It was pretty expensive. Some counties have programs to pay family members as caregivers to help offset costs. IDK if OP's does or if they've discontinued such programs due to lack of public funds for them.

 

OP, how's grandma's ADL's? (Activities of Daily Living). Examples would be self-feeding, dressing, bathing, toileting, etc. A depressed person may not wish to do anything but that's different than being unable to due to physical or mental deficits.

 

We got some personal assistance as caregivers from solo and group caregiver therapy with a LCSW; they also referred out to other resources to assist. I ended up starting a forum like LS for caregivers to share their trials and tribulations.

 

IMO, if your wife continues as separated, don't expect or count on any help or support from her. Sure, she could assist and that would be a nice gift but don't count on it. Same with business stuff. Figure you're on your own to work out your support network and business clientele. One step at a time. Focus on healthy eating, getting some exercise (that can be one of those successes) and solid sleep. Sleep really helps IME. Lack of it is a killer.

[MountainGirl111]

I can relate to what you're going through. I, too have been the "helper" so many many times. I can't tell you how many times. But when I needed help at a certain point in my life? Couldn't find it....I was really depressed...and it threw me for a big loop because I had never been that down before. I finally just went to my doctor and told him I was depressed. Just that visit made all the difference. It really does bite though when you're not getting the support you need

[wtm78]

thank you all who responded.. i read your post but didnt reply..

 

you guys are right.. i need an actionable plan.. i would have cope better if i had at least 1 constant in life.. like my old corporate job.. i would have at least 1 less thing to worry about..

 

now i am just overwhelmed with many uncertainties, a new business, the separation and the grandma who is depressed, the father who had a stroke, another grandma who is also in hospital.. and family members who are less than supportive..

 

yes! you guys are right! baby steps... just solve one issue at a time...

[wtm78]

i guess my real frustration is that there was no one there for me.. not that i am needy needing anyone.. but i realise when i needed someone.. there was no one.. i dont know if that make sense to you..

 

i mean if you watch House MD, even House as a prick when he is down, there are people there for him.. makes me wonder if i am that insignificant that when i am down, i had to go through it myself? i dont know.. maybe i am overthinking.. cheers mates

[Mr. Lucky]

House surrounded himself with good, competent and caring people. Sounds like a roadmap for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

In the real world, House wouldn't have nice people around him because he's a knob. People with self worth avoid those who are toxic, so please don't compare yourself to a fictional character.

 

But yes, I agree - one step at a time.

Edited October 27, 2019 by basil67

[MountainGirl111]

@wtm-

 

I soooo can't diagnose you, but have you considered going to a Dr. and/or being screened for depression....

 

Starting a new business is stressful! Stress, if there is too much without much of a break can really get you down.

[preraph]

Maybe everyone views you as the strong one, so they never think you need any help. That is what has happened to me. I would have to jump up and down to get anyone to help me who knew me. I'd do better getting strangers to do it, not because I'm a bad person but because of the roles we have all fallen into.

[MountainGirl111]

Maybe everyone views you as the strong one, so they never think you need any help. That is what has happened to me. I would have to jump up and down to get anyone to help me who knew me. I'd do better getting strangers to do it, not because I'm a bad person but because of the roles we have all fallen into.

 

this^^^^^^

 

and....I remember feeling like it was just so unfair...

[wtm78]

op,

 

sometimes you have days when you feel like you can take on the world. Other days, it's all you can do just to put one foot in front of the other and keep slogging on. It's hard enough to do that for yourself, but it can soul crushing when you have to carry everyone else too.

 

this is so true..

[wtm78]

Maybe everyone views you as the strong one, so they never think you need any help. That is what has happened to me. I would have to jump up and down to get anyone to help me who knew me. I'd do better getting strangers to do it, not because I'm a bad person but because of the roles we have all fallen into.

 

totally agree.. sometimes its a stranger that gives me comforting words, or a random kindness that would make my day...

 

here is a song i used to listen to... hope it speaks to you too...

[wtm78]

was wondering if anyone has any suggestion how to know new people ?

i used to be so socialable i didnt really keep in touch with old friends.. because i already cant keep up with the existing ones.. now i have a few close friends but i am a people person. i enjoy being around person. that recharges me.. i guess i am an extrovert?

[mark clemson]

You could try meetups, esp. in a large urban area, or possibly hobby/interest clubs. Church groups if you're into that or pickup sports if you can handle the physical exertion. Volunteering is always nice too.

[preraph]

All of the above. Plus you could organize something like a block party and get a permit from the city or simply do a backyard BBQ where you went around invited neighbors you don't even know.

[Soak]

i am starting out a new business this year. there were times i needed help. and i asked my wife to help me.. she did not disagree. but she also dropped the ball so many times.. i ended up having to pick it up again at a later stage.. which made the situation worst that it was..

 

we had major communications issues and we have been separated for almost half a year.. my grandma committed suicide last month, but we found out early and sent her to the hospital. she is safe at home, but severely depressed. 2 weeks ago i was helping her to get rid of her old oven and fixed a new one.. after a long day, i was lying on the couch.. she started to cry, because she thought that she could not cook for me and i had nothing to eat.. of course i told her it doesnt matter, i am leaving soon and i will be meeting clients.. she kept crying. at this time, her daughter came .. and she blamed me for grandma's crying.. at the same time, wife texting me and blames me for.. i dont know what she is blaming me about.. even if i am upset about something she did.. she can turn it around and make it my fault for making her feel that way..

 

that day i reached out to my counselor... there were no response.. i texted her again few days later.. again no response. few days later i called the center and asked if they are still taking up my case.. if they aint, could they give me some contacts so i can seek help somewhere else.. they politely asked if its ok for them to check with my counselor and let her get back to me... finally today i got a text from her.. she said she was attending other urgent stuff so she didnt reply me..

 

this made me realised something.. my whole life i had been strong.. but everytime when i was down and needed help.. there were just no one there to give me a hand... not family, not wife, not even a counselor...

 

it is days like this i wonder if there is a point in my life..

 

I am going through something similar. Lets promise to be there for each other.

 

How are things now? Please respond so i onow you are with me

[preraph]

^ That is very kind of you. I hope he's still watching.