Travel and marriage

[jah526]

I had lunch with an acquaintance today who works in a field that requires a lot of travel, both nationally and internationally. She's a single mom. Says she's never getting married. She mentioned that many of the men she works with have arrangements with their partners, I guess meaning they're allowed to play while on travel. I had several thoughts after we parted ways.

1. She seemed lonely and I wondered if mentioning this was her way of saying she participates too.

2. I wondered if these guys really do have arrangements with their partners, or if that's a line.

3. I wondered if the MM I knew about was right, that everyone is doing this.

[central]

1. She's single, so she can do what she wants, but obviously should not play with married men unless she KNOWS they have a pass to do so.

2. I've known some men (and women) who DO have such arrangements. It's not common compared to outright cheating, but it's a lot better than cheating.

3. See 2.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think a very, very large percentage of folks who travel a lot for work end up cheating.

 

I think a very, very low percentage of their partners "allow" it.

[RecentChange]

I would say from my experience with business traveling men, many cheat.

 

Some of course do not and stand by their vows.

 

Some claim that they have a pass - but I am fairly skeptical. I think some have a do not ask do not tell sort of arrangement - provide a certain life style etc, and don't cause too many problems.

 

My husband used to work with an all male team that traveled internationally extensively - he had many stories, not many if any stayed faithful. Company culture comes into play as well.

[snowboy91]

Topical considering it is likely both myself and my partner will end up travelling frequently for work. I also spent 6 months away from a partner on a university exchange program some time ago - I didn't cheat as I didn't want to be one of those people who did cheat while away, and the fear put a lot of pressure on the relationship. We did survive it though - but if I had my time again I probably would have ended it before I left.

 

There is a lot of pressure on relationships where one (or both) partners travel frequently - partly due to risk of cheating, but partly just simply due to time apart. I can imagine most people fall into two categories - worrying excessively about the travelling partner cheating, or accepting it as a part of the relationship and not rocking the boat. I can imagine it would be a very small minority that would have a fully discussed arrangement.

 

If it were me at home I'd accept it as something that happens when travelling... but I'd want to know about it so decent boundaries can be set.

[major_merrick]

In general, time apart isn't good. It limits physical contact, which allows temptation to occur. I think that even with people who travel a lot such as truck drivers, effort should be made to have regular contact with your partner if you are gone.

 

My husband sometimes travels for work - either to meetings/conferences or to deal with a job that is far away. He has been fortunate to take Wife #4 with him on many of these trips. Even when he's gone by himself, I trust him. For one thing, he's so work-focused he really doesn't have time to meet someone else. And I know how much he loves me and his other partners...if he's at his hotel he ALWAYS calls me before bed. Sometimes we even video chat online. I know he's charismatic and crazy at times and very attractive to women, but contact reduces my anxiety down to almost zero.

 

Back when I sometimes traveled, I was a cheater. I also had a girlfriend who traveled and I found out she was a cheater too. It definitely happens. You and your partner have to take steps to make sure it doesn't happen. Especially, figure out what to do during down time. Don't spend time meeting and greeting at the bar. Study, read, learn a new skill, or hand out with folks you already know. And make lots of contact with your partner. Reduce temptation!

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, brings up the Chris Rock line about most men being as faithful as their options allow. And men - and women - who travel certainly have options.

 

Company culture comes into play as well.

 

Can't overlook this part. I traveled extensively with two different hospitality companies. With one we just worked and slept, usually so tired we took meals back in our rooms. The other was a rolling circus, lots of happy hours, late night parties and other social occasions. I was single but had lots of married co-workers who seemed to forget they had a spouse back home...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chillii]

lf it is the arrangement then l'd almost guarantee wifey at home, or hubby , is also on the phone to theirs before he or she is even on the plane.

Anyway , l get the feeling she was giving you the hint if your interested .

[SolG]

I work in a profession where we all travel a lot for work - have done my whole working life.

 

In my experience I'd gauge that the incidence of cheating partners is about the sameish as amongst non-travellers; about 30 per cent, give or take. What I think is different is the frequency. Someone inclined to cheat who has a lot of opportunity - and being way tends to provide it - will generally cheat a lot.

 

To me, it can also seem like there's more people cheating when you're travelling as people can be a bit more overt/obvious about it when away. Whereas I think those cheating closer to home are more cautious, so are less evident.

 

I'd be curious to find out what the stats actually are. Research anyone?

[Els]

I don't travel "a lot" for work, but I do travel some. Personally, I don't really see how or why anyone would be more likely to cheat while traveling. Frankly, I find work travel, while enjoyable, to be EXHAUSTING. You are spending 12-16 hour days working and networking with your colleagues (everyone knows that the really useful stuff happens during the dinner after the conference, not the actual conference), while battling jetlag and getting used to a new country. Even if H had been with me, I doubt I would've been able to summon the energy to have sex with him afterwards, let alone try to hook up with some random dude. Even if we completely ignore the obvious ethical implications, it just isn't practical.

[SumGuy]

I think a very, very large percentage of folks who travel a lot for work end up cheating.

 

I think a very, very low percentage of their partners "allow" it.

 

This, except I'm not sure it is a very, very large percentage but certainly larger than those who do not travel, and the cheating may go both ways.

[SumGuy]

I don't travel "a lot" for work, but I do travel some. Personally, I don't really see how or why anyone would be more likely to cheat while traveling. Frankly, I find work travel, while enjoyable, to be EXHAUSTING. You are spending 12-16 hour days working and networking with your colleagues (everyone knows that the really useful stuff happens during the dinner after the conference, not the actual conference), while battling jetlag and getting used to a new country. Even if H had been with me, I doubt I would've been able to summon the energy to have sex with him afterwards, let alone try to hook up with some random dude. Even if we completely ignore the obvious ethical implications, it just isn't practical.

 

I'd agree, unless it is a co-worker.

It does make it much easier for the spouse staying at home to cheat.

[d0nnivain]

My husband always comes back from work conferences with a story about inappropriate behavior. Unfortunately, at his work he's the guy who has to discipline people about sexual harassment. He just watches when the married co-worker is hitting on a stranger but when he sees questionable behavior between co-workers he tries to break it up in the bar . . . just by sort of saying "hi" to let them know management is aware . . .and to prevent it from being taken to a private space.

 

Anyway I think people who are inclined to cheat will do it no matter where they are. Similarly people with integrity have integrity in all circumstances.

[somanymistakes]

Anyway I think people who are inclined to cheat will do it no matter where they are. Similarly people with integrity have integrity in all circumstances.

 

This is definitely true but I also think people who are inclined to cheat may seek out lifestyles that make it easier for them to do so.

 

There's a reason pilots have a reputation.

[alphamale]

I would say from my experience with business traveling men, many cheat.

 

many of them utilize the "services" of escorts or call girls

[Mr. Lucky]

Even if we completely ignore the obvious ethical implications, it just isn't practical.

 

There's a battle-tested feeling from sharing of some of the experiences you describe that creates a "foxhole buddy" vibe. Add in alcohol, remoteness, loneliness and hotel stays, and it's not hard to understand why those not fully committed to their existing relationship can stray. I've seen it play out many times...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecentChange]

I don't travel "a lot" for work, but I do travel some. Personally, I don't really see how or why anyone would be more likely to cheat while traveling. Frankly, I find work travel, while enjoyable, to be EXHAUSTING. You are spending 12-16 hour days working and networking with your colleagues (.

 

Not all business travel is the same. I travel for work a few times a year - mostly conferences where I am spending long days attending sessions, then working on my computer back at my room at night - I see the lack of opportunity there.

 

But I also have trips that consist of a few client meetings - then? Lots of free time for drinking, dining and sight seeing, I can certainly see how it could happen with that sort of schedule.

 

When I think of the business traveling cheater - I think of this one man I know. High powered position with a large company - he does a world tour twice yearly meeting with investors - his time outside of the meetings is often free. He'll book an extra night in certain cities to enjoy himself before setting off to the next country - it's extremely easy for him to cheat and he does regularly.

 

Then you have my husband's old company / career - again world traveling, but this time a group of younger men - engineers and professional motor cycle riders touring to show their new products. Lots of partying, lots of women.

 

Let's say it's a bit more ruckus than the law conferences I attend.

[RecentChange]

Double post

[Artdeco]

I think conferences are the worst, at least in my line of work.

Getting hit on nonstop, and then all the exhibitors’ minglers/social gatherings and get-togethers/parties, with lots of alcohol and music, etc. You get invited to those when you walk the floor, and you can’t just NOT show up. Blah!

 

And I don’t think many of these very “proactive” men are single, or at least unmarried. I’m sure a lot of cheating happens during business trips.

[GorillaTheater]

Let's say it's a bit more ruckus than the law conferences I attend.

 

I think conferences are the worst, at least in my line of work.

Getting hit on nonstop, and then all the exhibitors’ minglers/social gatherings and get-togethers/parties, with lots of alcohol and music, etc. You get invited to those when you walk the floor, and you can’t just NOT show up. Blah!

 

Yeah, apparently law conferences are lot more ... conservative than a lot of conferences are.

 

Although some of us have been known to close down a bar from time to time. I blame the influence of the university environment we work in.

 

Unless folks in my office are really good at keeping things on the down low, which they may be, I'm not aware of any shenanigans ever happening.

[RecentChange]

Yeah, apparently law conferences are lot more ... conservative than a lot of conferences are.

 

Although some of us have been known to close down a bar from time to time. I blame the influence of the university environment we work in.

 

Unless folks in my office are really good at keeping things on the down low, which they may be, I'm not aware of any shenanigans ever happening.

 

Right GT? I see these tech conferences in my area - concerts?! Parties?! Waaaa?

 

I too am not aware of any funny business among my group, nor with the clients I meet with at conferences.

 

Now drinking at the bar till the wee hours? Sure, but it's like tying one on with old friends, and I think our careers mean enough to us, and the fact it's not an accepted part of the culture - everyone keeps their pants zipped.

 

Heck we have been known to go through an embarrassing quantity of red wine in the office on a Friday - but compared to what I have seen with some other industries - we keep it tame.

[Mrin]

Hi there. I'm a recovering road warrior myself. So a few things:

 

1. There is a BIG difference between someone who travels often for business and a road warrior. To me, a frequent business traveler is someone who travels 25% - 50% of the time. They travel a bunch but their "real lives" are back home. A road warrior is someone who travels 50% - 100% of the time year after year. And I'm talking about weekends too. For road warriors, their "real lives" are on the road, and back "home" is really a place where their stuff (and sometimes kids and spouse) lives.

 

2. I bring this up because fundamentally, those are two different types of humans. Frequent business travelers find being on the road exhausting - as another poster has mentioned in this thread. A road warrior actually finds being home to be exhausting. Consequently, it shouldn't come as a surprise that road warrior's can have completely different ethical codes, values and relationships than "normal" people.

 

3. I saw a lot of "road sex" in my years being a road warrior. I saw lots of cheaters of both genders - though they were skewed more heavily towards men. Most of the outright cheaters that I saw were frequent business travelers. They had no "understanding" with their spouse. It was just a "when the cat is away the mice will play" situation. It was mainly fueled with alcohol. Almost exclusively actually. And it was cheating. And pretty gross. I can't tell you how disgusting it is to be at dinner with a team member and have him go on and on about his wife and family only to see that same dude feeding shots into some woman half his age at 1am so he can take her back to his room and bone her.

 

4. I didn't see as much blatant cheating with road warriors. I'm sure there it happened but it was probably much more discrete. I think the reason you don't see as much rampant cheating with road warriors is that is just isn't sustainable. Or workable. Sooner or later you'll get caught.

 

5. So, do road warriors have agreements with their spouses? Absolutely. I knew several that had such agreements. Think of them as Open Relationships rather than some sort of exotic road warrior type thing. These agreements and understandings were always bidirectional. Also, for those with such agreements, their "road hookups" were usually semi-permanent and mostly discrete. I saw it mainly between team members who traveled together or with people who worked at client companies with whom the warrior frequently met. Very rarely did it show up as the boorish behavior I spoke about above with frequent business travelers looking for some random on which to prey.

 

6. So.... coming back to the OP's story. Ya, you were being "felt out" by her. Or, she already has a road hookup and wants you to be cool with it. She may or may not have an agreement with her partner. Since she opened the door you could always ask her about it and learn more.

 

I want you to listen to me very carefully - if she is in fact interested and you are married or otherwise in a relationship, do not act on it without getting an agreement yourself. It just isn't worth it.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin